Tw Sui Vent - Tumblr Posts - Page 2

TW sh, sui

Kinda feel like I should be admitted to grippy sock jail cause of my unalive thoughts and urges but I can't because the US healthcare system sucks and its too fucking expensive!!!

So ig i just gotta sh and secretly hope someone sees despite the fact that I will hide them or else ill get in trouble with my parents but I want help.

not my usually post hut ii need to vent TRIGGER WARNING for talk of su1c1de, yelling, and sexual content. (and a little npd talk)

I'm actually going to fucking kill myself, ii saw a video on tiktok of a girl talking about how she was worried that her furry roommate was gonna fuck her cat because she found out they draw softcover furry porn. ii left a comment saying "ii promise you furries do not want to fuck your cat, being concerned about softcover furry porn means you're just vanilla"

enter 120 notifications of replies from people calling me chronically online and that fucking animals isn't okay. II FUCKING KNOW!!! II DONT CONDEMN BESTIALITY!!! Jesus fucking christ am ii insane??? am ii the only crazy person on this fucking planet???? not all furries are zoophiles. end of discussion.

God everyone is so fucking stupid and dense and I'm going to uninstall tiktok forever. ii swear to God sometimes I'm the only correct person ever. everything you say is wrong and I'm right and I'm always the better person. fuck you fuck tiktok fuck zoophiles fuck basic tiktok girlies who want me to kill myself

Will always reblog stuff like this when it comes up, there's a lotta apps like it! All different you can always search for one that works for you and it's ok if none of them do, just means that one out of hundreds of alternatives doesn't work

i recommend this app to help you distract yourself when you feel an urge to hurt yourself!

It’s so cute and calming :D

Kinda evil and messed up rambling, tags have TWs

I finally got the courage to cut again, nothing as deep as before, I really scared the shit out of myself last time so new rule, no cutting during disassociation or depersonalization episodes, way to fuckin reckless

That sounds goofy as fuck "no cutting while in a bad episode, gotta do that shit in a good mental state" honestly at this point it's a sleep aid am I even actually mentally ill? I'm probably just an attention seeking whore you know? honestly I should just stop. gauze is expensive and I shouldn't be wasting money just for attention. If I want attention so bad I'm sure there are plenty of men who will have their way with me I'm not even worth any money I'm too gross. I'm a disgusting awful thing, not even a person that title is too good for me.

And to think I'm actually "needed"? I should just kill myself shouldn't I? Get it done and over if I left all my money too him at least ide be worth something

But if that's the case why not live? Spend every waking moment working, being something useful to him, get as much money as possible all for him that's why I can't kill myself, he deserves a good life and the second I can't help with that he might as well kill me.

Kinda evil and messed up rambling, tags have TWs

I finally got the courage to cut again, nothing as deep as before, I really scared the shit out of myself last time so new rule, no cutting during disassociation or depersonalization episodes, way to fuckin reckless

That sounds goofy as fuck "no cutting while in a bad episode, gotta do that shit in a good mental state" honestly at this point it's a sleep aid am I even actually mentally ill? I'm probably just an attention seeking whore you know? honestly I should just stop. gauze is expensive and I shouldn't be wasting money just for attention. If I want attention so bad I'm sure there are plenty of men who will have their way with me I'm not even worth any money I'm too gross. I'm a disgusting awful thing, not even a person that title is too good for me.

And to think I'm actually "needed"? I should just kill myself shouldn't I? Get it done and over if I left all my money too him at least ide be worth something

But if that's the case why not live? Spend every waking moment working, being something useful to him, get as much money as possible all for him that's why I can't kill myself, he deserves a good life and the second I can't help with that he might as well kill me.

Kinda evil and messed up rambling, tags have TWs

I finally got the courage to cut again, nothing as deep as before, I really scared the shit out of myself last time so new rule, no cutting during disassociation or depersonalization episodes, way to fuckin reckless

That sounds goofy as fuck "no cutting while in a bad episode, gotta do that shit in a good mental state" honestly at this point it's a sleep aid am I even actually mentally ill? I'm probably just an attention seeking whore you know? honestly I should just stop. gauze is expensive and I shouldn't be wasting money just for attention. If I want attention so bad I'm sure there are plenty of men who will have their way with me I'm not even worth any money I'm too gross. I'm a disgusting awful thing, not even a person that title is too good for me.

And to think I'm actually "needed"? I should just kill myself shouldn't I? Get it done and over if I left all my money too him at least ide be worth something

But if that's the case why not live? Spend every waking moment working, being something useful to him, get as much money as possible all for him that's why I can't kill myself, he deserves a good life and the second I can't help with that he might as well kill me.

You know…one moment, one painful moment you go “I’ll end it all.” And then the other, “I’ll end this pain.” And then “I’ll go to my friend and talk to her about this”. Then “She says she couldn’t live knowing that happened me”. “What if I just get through today, and then I’ll…think about this.” And that day turns into months and years, and suddenly…you wanna live. Please, please don’t end it all. You and everyone else is worth more than that. I hope you a good life. May Allah protect and bless everyone🥰

Tw: suicidal idealation, sh, sui

Nobody noticed when I stopped including myself in the photos. When I stopped trying to stand out in the group. They didn't notice that I started to fade into the background more and more. It was like I wasn't even there.

Every time I've cried it's been alone. Not once has someone helped me through a panic attack. There is no one here who will help me. I am alone. Why won't anybody help me? I've done everything that I can to save them.

I can't seem to let them go though. Especially the one who hurts me the most. Because even though he makes me feel like I don't matter and am just annoying, he's the only one who really makes me happy. So when he is nice to me my heart is so happy even though I know it won't last and that he'll be back to acting too good for me soon.

But he just doesn't get it. When I message you something random, that's my desperate cry for a distraction. I need help, but he pops in and out of the conversation and then I know that I mean nothing to the person who is my world. And then I cry. I cry until I can't breath because I need him but he doesn't even want me.

Nobody wants me.

I'm so tired. I can't keep going like this. I need someone to love. Someone to give me something to live for. But I don't have that.

So I live only because I have failed to die. I don't take the pills because I can't move my body. I just stare at the wall and feel the tears fall. I give myself drawings made of scars because I don't deserve to have something pretty without pain.

Maybe someday soon I'll finally get the courage.

I'm really annoyed rn and I don't want to actually fix my problems so vent post :P writing this to a certain person who doesn't actually gaf about me

You got mad at me for not taking care of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious that you chose to care now. What is it convenient now?

Why couldn't you care every time that I messaged you to distract myself from the pile of pills in my hands and the blade pressed against my skin. No when I needed you most what you did give was too little too late.

But now you care. Now you're mad at me for being dismissive of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious. Why would I care if I can't eat or drink without chest pains? I'm fucking suicidal! If my body takes itself out good for me! Then I don't have to do it myself.

You're worried sick about me but you don't notice or care that I didn't eat anything at lunch and I was shaking after. When you know that Ive had multiple eating disorders. Bullshit.

Goddammit if you were actually worried you'd listen to me when I talked instead of just scoffing at me when I tell you that no, I haven't scheduled a doctor's appointment. Cause doctors have failed me so many times that I don't trust them anymore and I told you this but you didn't listen. Because doctors are there to help you say. Maybe they help you but I've been let down time and time again. So yeah I hate doctors. I'm allowed to have an opinion even if it's different from yours.

Y'know I think it's really fuckin shitty of you the way you treat me. Even if someone I hated told me the things I told you I'd still look out for them, but you don't do that and we're supposed to be friends.

You're soooo fuckin sad when I tell you that I almost committed suicide once, but you don't notice the sad smile I give when people talk about suicide. When someone told a story about the dream they had about suicide notes I say there knowing I had mine written. They're fucking ready to go when I am. It's soo obvious that something is seriously wrong. I am showing all the signs.

You just don't care to help me

At least not in the way I need

You just wanna preach your bullshit so you can be the winner and the one who was fucking right. You don't care about what I actually need. No one fucking does. I'm so sick of lectures when I just really need a hug but I have no one I can hug without raising suspicion. And if I raise suspicion there goes my plans and way out.

Fuck this I'm so sick of it.

I would never do this to you.

I think it's so much worse this time because for the first time, I had someone. I had someone who I wanted to tell everything and do everything with anf it was reciprocated... For a bit.

But now, that's gone, but it feels like a new and beautiful path to happiness was unlocked and I got to see it and experience how wonderful it was, but now its gone. And even though it hurt so bad most of the time that good times were euphoric.

Nothing can compare to it now. So everything feels hollow and empty.

And I can't get it back because there is not a single soul on this god forsaken earth that would ever want me. Even the one who claimed to like all my odd habits left me and hasn't looked back once or regretted it.

I was just that easy to leave apparently.

But now I wish for a type of love that I will never have because who could ever love me? I sit here aching and so so empty.

I think it might've been better to never love at all. To not have any of these memories of a happiness I'll never have again.

I think it would hurt a lot less that way.

Because I know I gave it everything. It consumed my whole heart and soul and I had so much love to give because finally someone chose me! But now that love has nowhere to go because I got left out of nowhere like there was never a reason to stay.

So now I sit with all that love that I never got to give and it eats me alive. It feels like poison. The empty ache never leaves and when I finally make one step of progress I get sent right back again. And then suddenly there's more poison. Because my hope still hasn't gone away. It stupid and oh so painful but I still hope with my whole heart that I'd be enough to come back for, but I keep getting hurt time and time again.

And I can't stop myself. I go back willingly the second you show interest in me. Because my pride is already gone. My mind is already a mess, you can't possibly ruin it more than you already have.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, but everytime that I do gain something, I lose it right away. And I face pain all over again because I never thought that the world could be that cruel. I didn't think I would lose my only lifeline once again, but I should've learned by now.

No one was ever going to save me. They're just going to watch me flail and struggle as I try to find even the most insignificant reason to live. And then they cruely yank it away from me.

I can't keep going like this.

It would be easier just to drown.

"What's keeping you alive?" - Nothing, I am just pussy to actually do it lol

learned that lesson the hard way.

just a reminder that it is not normal to think of ways to kys whenever an inconvenience occurs

𝓑𝓪𝓫𝔂 𝓗𝓸𝓽𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓮

- by 𝘗𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘺

- - -

9 to 5 - 5 to 9

Repeat.

Work, eat, sleep

Repeat,

Work from 9 to 5

Stare at the ceiling from 5 to 9

Repeat.

Work more, push food down your throat and feel guilty as you sleep.

Well as you wait for your brain to finally shut down,

- would it fucking finally shut down ?

Fake it till you make it they say

So you make it as you fake it.

But is it really fake if it comes so naturally ?

Does it make your smile true if you do it without thinking ?

Are you happy ?

You surely don’t feel like it but people say you seem fine.

Are you though ?

You don’t know anymore.

What do you feel ?

What is happiness anyway ? Isn’t it feeling idly calm, not being bothered by anything…

You feel like that, unbothered, plain… Empty.

All the things plaguing your mind are just too much so it’s better to lock them away, they would ruin your happiness, this idleness.

You widely prefer feeling nothing than be overwhelmed.

Surely you aren’t overwhelmed if everything seem worthless.

If it’s worthless than it is not important and not worth any attention.

- like you

Change, you needed change.

That’s why you hair is different.

Longer, shorter, greener, blonder, bluer…

You needed to feel different,

To see another thing stand out in the mirror,

To see another person in the mirror.

Because you are sick of this plain face staring right back at you, trying to expose all of this ugly truth.

Change, you wanted change.

Because when things change, then time passes

and if time passes the past passes away

You want that.

Yes, you need that.

For the past to leave, for those events to be no more in your mind.

You forget.

But that look in the mirror — those bored eyes in the glass staring right back — they reveal your soul.

It reminds you.

Yes you remember where you are, who you are, what you feel.

The reflection in the mirror, is it your true self ?

Because you definitely don’t like what it shows.

How old even are you ?

You feel like your life has the rhythm of a broken record,

Your body the energy of a corpse,

Your mind the torment of a martyr,

But you just started living.

Why are you doing this ?

Why would you do that to yourself ?

Fucking breath, stop crying and smile a bit,

Come on it’s not that hard,

Stop fucking dwelling on things.

But that’s all you can think about at night when your ceiling seems to be your only friend.

When your bed has been calling your name from the moment you woke up but now seems to want you anywhere else.

When you find yourself once again in this position, an unrequited love for sleep.

You need him but it would not hear your calls.

So its arch nemesis takes its place .

Running.

Again and again.

Without stopping.

Fusing with thoughts, ideas, images, sounds, memories, emotions…

Everything distorted, keeping your attention and your eyes wide open.

Silence.

You need silence.

- will your brain fucking shut up !?

Stop.

It has to stop.

Your erratic breathing being a useless source of concentration.

Something.

You need something to make it stop.

*sigh*

You listen.

You concentrate on it.

A strangers’ voice, laugh, humming, singing, breathing, heart beating…

It’s as if the warmth missing beside you is filled by the noise coming in your ears.

Shushing the havoc in your mind.

A sweet and warm melody lulling you into a slumber.

But your eyes are forced open by the ringing of the alarm.

How could you ? Flee reality ?

Stop fucking hoping.

- You hate hoping

Why should you get up ?

You really don’t want to.

Why does the simple thought of stepping foot out of the cover makes your eyes water ?

People wouldn’t mind anyway.

You wouldn’t mind either way.

You are still tired, you should go back to sleep then, right ?

Nothing is holding you back.

Except for the impossibly high expectations you set for yourself, the idea that every lasting moment might be decisive for your future, that you might miss something, the idea that every eye is on you and people constantly eavesdrop on your life criticizing every single one of your movement and choice…

You have to get up then.

You force yourself to.

It feels like it often, like you have to force yourself to live.

So you are tired.

You are tired as you get dressed,

You are tired as you brush your teeth,

You are tired as you wash your face

- that fucking ugly face looking at you in the mirror

You are tired as you skip breakfast,

You are tired as you tie your shoes, as you put on your coat,

You are tired as you step out of the door.

Just an empty bag on your shoulder as you drown your mind in the sound coming out of your headphones.

You weave through a faceless crowd, walking without watching because everything is a routine by now.

You are tired as you walk.

Your eyes staring into nothingness, a blank stare plastered on your face.

You must fix this before arriving, before seeing people you know, before disappointing people by letting them in on the ugly truth.

It’s only when you see that your shoelace has come undone that you realise where you are.

Your gaze is now fixated on the landscape.

Cars passing by, joggers running on the side, teenagers walking to school.

People seem so little from up here.

You feel so little here, in this world.

The air is cold, biting at your skin and making your eyes water as you can’t seem to will them closed.

Your mind is blank, your heart feels calm.

It is as if the numbness at the tips of your fingers took hold of your entire body and soul.

You stare at the sky, your mind reeling with dreams of flying — yes — of feeling free.

Maybe you should call.

It would be a good idea to call.

But if you do, wouldn’t it mean you’ve passed a point of no return ?

You don’t want to realise that, no you prefer denial, you prefer nothingness, emptiness, numbness.

But your fingers have typed the numbers and it is dialing.

The ringing filling your ears.

You have always wondered how it felt to fly.

How the wind flowing through your clothes, against your skin would make you feel free.

Yet you’ve always been the type to bury yourself in a hole hoping to see one day the blue of the sky.

And as the line seems to get cold.

- you feel numb, you’ve been burning with haste

- And you realise it now what a terrible waste

You dream that you would be an angel, with beautiful wings, able to touch the clouds.

But in the end, you know you were never meant to soar high in the sky.

As Icarus you brunt your wings down and everything came crashing down…

Finally, your mind stops reeling as another phone is ringing.

- - -

Inspired by @jackstauber ’s song “Baby Hotline”

+ ringing sounds from the song as well

Credit to @adhimuff_ and @avogado6_jp for the piece of arts I used to illustrate my words.

+ montage on CapCut.

Be aware that this piece tackles dark subjects surrounding mental health.

If you find yourself in a position as such, you should seek help (even though it is easier said than done I know) but talk to a parent or close person. Aside from that you can always reach out to a su*c*de hotline. It is very important to get help, hope is not lost. ❤️

Moreover I am conscious my prononciation isn’t perfect in this audio so I apologize for that, I’ll do better in the future 🫶🏻

- Beaucoup d’amour, Poppy ❤️

🔺Original work, please do not steal or copy. Thanks. 🔺

Wednesday: Did you cut yourself again?

(Xavier in a thick sweater and long pants)

Xavier laughing: No! why?😅

Wednesday: you are literally crying.

Wednesday(pulling him on her laps):WHERE.

*Xavier curling up in a ball and sob*

Xavier: on arms and ankles 😭