Self Expression - Tumblr Posts

contours of confidence

for once in my life, i am grateful for my sister's incessant theft of my belongings. earlier this month, my sister was playing with my contour wand, which is a makeup tool that i use to add shadows that create the illusion of a slimmer face. then, she lost it.

throughout my life, i have struggled with having a round face, which is common among people of my ethnicity. seeing my side profile was frustrating, as i do have a double chin sometimes.

i think losing my contour has helped me appreciate the way i look. i often feel that i have to mold myself into something attractive so that i can get attention and be loved. but i'm appreciating my face lately. i'm ok with having a double chin. i think i care more about liking myself unconditionally now.

as i've been able to connect my wish to be smaller-faced with society's beauty standards, i've been able to let it go. when i'm old, i don't want to remember myself as resenting my body shape or ethnic features. i want to tell my children to be proud of who they are without seeming hypocritical. i like my round face, my wide nose, "small" eyes. i like my features because they connect me to my ethnic group. the art of my people looks the way i do. who am i to brush that aside?

i am an artist who tries to create work that celebrates many features. somehow i forgot that applies to me. it's easy to tell yourself that you're too enlightened for beauty standards. i thought i was. but focusing less on molding myself into the notion of beauty has helped me use makeup to have fun. silver glitter, red wine lipstick, drawn on roses--they make me happier than a "snatched" face ever did. some days i still look in the mirror and dislike what i see. i would be lying if i didn't contemplate plastic surgery or buying more contour products.

but i think i hold off for the sake of Future Minh. i want them to be proud of me. i don't want them to recall this period of life as one where i wanted to change everything about myself. if tumblr still exists which i'm ancient, i hope i can point to this as a reason

I’m painting my nails to Queen and thinking about queer history (warning: hate crimes, violence, homophobia, transphobia)

I’m painting my nails to Queen

And thinking about queer history,

Bloodied,

Beautiful,

Weather-worn.

The artists that allow

My type in men to sparkle,

Gorgeous,

Pretty,

Free.

Don’t talk,

Save me.

Fights over love renewing

With people’s being

Free perceived

Threatening.

I want to break free.

I will never forgive the people who went after teenagers for going by Arson. It's a genuinely cool name fuck you, just admit you're allergic to teens having fun with self expression (or teens having fun at all) and stop trying to make it a morality issue

Polyvore is Dead

 Eleven years ago, on February 1, 2007, a fashion website captivated people into making an account and from that amazing idea, people became loyal and valued members. A website where creativity reigned supreme and fashion is the opiate of choice. That website was called ‘‘Polyvore.” Over time, the fan base for that grew and grew until they decided to modernize by coming up with an app for smartphones as society increased with their usage and convenience. I am proud to say that I am a loyal Polyvore fan, even before I signed up for the website. 

Seeing those beautiful outfits that were created for movies, books, TV Shows, characters, fanfiction stories for OCs, and collections for everything and anything came in plenty: collections on spy gear, princess gowns, Disney Princesses, superheroes, etc. I still remember visiting their website, looking at ‘The Clique’ series outfits and loving every single one that was made.

As I grew up, that passion intensified until I made an account of my very own and I was happy. Now, that joy has turned to despair and disappointment as we say goodbye to this wonderful website that has become not only a part of our daily lives but as an escape from reality from which a world of ‘Pure Imagination’ comes to life. 

Millions of fans have downloaded, shared, created, and enjoyed the fashion app Polyvore, who gave users - men, women, and children alike - a chance to express their individuality and imaginative creativity. An app that I, and countless others used daily for fanfictions, pure enjoyment, and a way to bring a little sense of joy to our hectic, stressful lives. 

This morning, I went straight into the app for some morning inspiration for one of my many OFC fanfic fashion sets, when I found it to be completely closed off. Naturally, I thought they were having some system problems, so I thought nothing of it. Thinking to myself - and those who use the app and/or website - by this afternoon or the evening, Polyvore would be fixed. 

Needless to say, I was thoroughly disappointed with that naïve idea, when all it said was ‘No Network Connection.’ I didn’t know what was going on and, naturally, I panicked. Alright...some of you might think of me as over dramatic and a wuss for that, but I was scared. Everything that I’ve done in the name of self-expression, art, fashion, individuality, creativity, and imagination, was not available for anyone to see, much less me. Even friends and followers who I’ve made and commented on their ‘art’ has been completely shut out from us. 

When I saw the blog post and read that another website company bought Polyvore, I was heartbroken. Having taken a look at the new website, “SSENSE,” it’s without a doubt: a disappointment...with a capital ‘D’. There’s not a shred of individuality, no sense of creativity; just a fashion site to buy things from like Barney’s, Saks, or even Macy’s. The once independent, one-of-a-kind, interesting fashion website has become just like every other fashion website out there: dull and uninteresting. This is a website that people would rather not sign up for, much less buy from it. If I wanted to buy something, I’ll go on the infinite number of websites for different companies and buy from there. 

Honestly, this is what they’ve done to Polyvore. To them, it was a great move, but to the loyal and dedicated fans who signed up for these accounts, made friends, expressed their artistic vision of what they see it as for themselves - and receiving positive criticism for it, nevertheless - it was the single most horrific deal ever made. And I hope someone brings it back because I want to express myself through fashion and Polyvore has always been a way for me to be an artist through that medium. 

In the immortal words of fashion icon, Blair Waldorf: “Fashion is the most powerful art there is. It’s movement, design, and architecture all in one. It shows the world who we are and who we’d like to be.”

And, I, for one, would feel very lonely without it. Share, reblog, retweet, and comment on your feelings about this.

For those who would like to bring it back and fight to keep Polyvore up and running, sign the petition by clicking on this link and make your voice heard: 

https://www.change.org/p/former-polyvore-users-creative-minds-bring-back-polyvore?recruiter=508840244&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink&utm_campaign=psf_combo_share_message.nafta_milestone_share_ask_victory.control

SSENSE IS GOING DOWN!!!

I was on the @BBPolyvore Facebook page and stumbled upon this: a photo of a customer complaint from a loyal SSENSE User about how the fashion site handled its acquisition of Polyvore. And from what I’ve read (and hopefully what you’ll read soon) this person is disappointed, disgusted, and disillusioned to this company’s business ethics...and I’m super happy!!!

This is the kind of change we need to expose as well as keep fighting SSENSE from their business ‘plan.’ Right now, we need to stand together - now more than ever - and keep protesting their products, website, and business for what they’ve done to us.

I don’t know when our beloved Polyvore will return or how, but I still have hope that the Polyfam is going to beat this...and I still believe that we will win this fight.

Our petition has reached 11K signatures and is on track for 15K at change.org. Repost this, tweet it, retweet it, show it on Facebook and Instagram, and let the world know: we are never backing down and we will never give up!!

Here’s the petition: https://www.change.org/p/former-polyvore-users-creative-minds-bring-back-polyvore

To conform or not, there's your answer

.

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Lurking in the nowhere of solitude

Opening the Gateway to Expression: A Meditation for the Throat Chakra

Shaina Tranquilino

August 5, 2023

In the world of energy healing and chakra balancing, each chakra plays a vital role in our overall well-being. Today, we'll explore the fifth chakra, known as the throat chakra or Vishuddha in Sanskrit. Positioned at the centre of our neck, this energetic vortex governs communication, expression, and authenticity. If you find yourself struggling with self-expression, speaking your truth, or even feeling creatively stifled, it may be time to focus on nurturing and harmonizing your throat chakra through meditation.

The Importance of a Balanced Throat Chakra:

A balanced throat chakra allows us to confidently express ourselves with clarity and integrity. It facilitates effective communication both in verbal and non-verbal forms, fostering healthy relationships and enhancing our ability to listen actively. When imbalanced, however, it can manifest as difficulty expressing emotions, fear of public speaking, chronic sore throats or voice issues, creative blocks, or an excessive need for validation from others.

Meditation Technique for Balancing the Throat Chakra:

1. Find a quiet and comfortable space:

Choose a serene environment where you won't be disturbed during your practice. Create an ambiance that resonates with you - light some candles or incense if desired.

2. Assume a comfortable seated position:

Sit cross-legged on a cushion or chair with your spine straight but relaxed. Rest your hands on your knees or lap facing upward to receive energy.

3. Begin deep breathing:

Close your eyes gently and take several deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. With each inhale imagine white light filling your body while exhaling any tension or negativity.

4. Visualize vibrant blue light:

Focus your attention on your throat area where the throat chakra resides. Envision a spinning wheel of vibrant sky-blue light located precisely at the centre of your throat. Picture this light growing brighter, clearing any blockages or stagnant energy.

5. Repeat affirmations:

Silently or out loud, repeat affirmations that resonate with you and align with the throat chakra's qualities. Examples include: "I express myself confidently and authentically," "My voice is powerful and worthy of being heard," or "I communicate my thoughts clearly and listen deeply."

6. Engage in toning exercises:

Using your voice, start making sustained sounds such as "Aah" or "Ooh." Feel the vibrations resonating within your throat and imagine them harmonizing and healing your throat chakra. Experiment with different pitches if it feels right for you.

7. Reflect on personal expression:

Take a moment to reflect on how you've been expressing yourself lately. Are there areas where you hold back? Are there situations where you feel uncomfortable speaking up? Allow these insights to flow without judgment; awareness is the first step towards growth.

8. Journaling:

After completing the meditation, grab a journal and write down any thoughts, emotions, or realizations that arose during the practice. This process helps solidify your intentions and encourages self-reflection.

By regularly practicing this meditation for the throat chakra, we can cultivate an authentic voice that allows us to communicate our needs, desires, and truths in a healthy manner while fostering deep connections with others. Remember that balancing each chakra requires time and patience, so make this meditation part of your regular routine to experience profound shifts in self-expression and connection. Embrace the power of your voice, unleash its potential, and let it reverberate positively through every aspect of your life!

Taking What You Need: A Guide to Finding Comfort, Hope, and Inspiration

Shaina Tranquilino February 24, 2024

At times, we find ourselves yearning for something more—whether it's comfort in moments of distress, hope in times of despair, or inspiration to propel us forward. The key lies in recognizing our needs and actively seeking what is necessary for our well-being. In this blog post, we'll explore the concept of taking what you need, be it comfort, hope, inspiration, forgiveness, motivation, peace, or any other essential element that contributes to a fulfilling life.

Recognizing Your Needs: Before embarking on the journey of taking what you need, it's crucial to identify and acknowledge your emotions and desires. Are you feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious? Do you lack motivation or hope for the future? Understanding your needs is the first step towards addressing them.

Seeking Comfort: Comfort acts as a soothing balm during challenging times. Whether it's through the support of loved ones, engaging in self-care activities, or finding solace in a comforting routine, taking the time to nurture your emotional well-being is vital. Embrace the power of seeking comfort and allow yourself the space to heal.

Cultivating Hope: Hope is a powerful force that propels us forward, even when the path seems uncertain. To cultivate hope, focus on positive thinking, set achievable goals, and surround yourself with sources of inspiration. Remember that hope is not passive; it's an active choice to believe in the possibility of a brighter future.

Drawing Inspiration: Inspiration can be found in various forms—art, literature, nature, or the accomplishments of others. Explore what resonates with you and ignites a spark within. Whether it's reading motivational quotes, listening to uplifting music, or spending time in nature, draw inspiration from sources that align with your values and aspirations.

Embracing Forgiveness: Forgiveness is a powerful tool for personal growth and healing. Often, the first person we need to forgive is ourselves. Release the burden of past mistakes, learn from them, and allow forgiveness to pave the way for a more compassionate and fulfilling life.

Finding Motivation: Motivation can be elusive, especially during challenging times. Break down your goals into smaller, more manageable tasks, celebrate small victories, and surround yourself with positive influences. Sometimes, taking the first step is all it takes to reignite the flame of motivation.

Cultivating Inner Peace: Inner peace is a state of tranquility that arises from acceptance and mindfulness. Practice meditation, engage in activities that bring you joy, and create a peaceful environment for yourself. By cultivating inner peace, you enhance your resilience in the face of life's challenges.

Taking what you need is a personal and empowering journey. Whether it's comfort, hope, inspiration, forgiveness, motivation, or peace, prioritize your well-being and actively seek the elements that contribute to a fulfilling life. By recognizing your needs and embracing the resources available to you, you pave the way for personal growth, resilience, and a more meaningful existence. Remember, you have the power to shape your own narrative and create a life that aligns with your deepest desires and aspirations.

Carmen's archetype illustration 2

before canva and procreate, raw ai creations. Credit to nightcafe.art platform and its awsome community that allow me to improve my self expression in limitless directions - https://creator.nightcafe.studio/u/Queueka?ru=Queueka

I have heard few voices in the community against ai generated art, this is my personal perspective on the topic. But I also invite you to a dialogue - everyone who hates/loves/neutral to ai art in general and particularly on tumblr... Please explain your point of view, I want to understand you better😉

Carmen part 3 -

Benefits of ai for an artist in hardest days of disability - I can keep fulfilling my imagination even in days of very low ability to move. Of course when I paint I express something more authentic, but with time I compose prompts that give results that are very close to my imagination - which deeply satisfy and comfort me.

one thing you won't know until you experience it for yourself when you create art out of love is how it feels when people receive it with love. when you post a doodle and someone keeps it as their lockscreen, or when you write a story and someone tells you they were thinking about it all day, or when you post a poem and someone shares it with a touching caption. doesn't matter if it was objectively good or not. matters that someone spent time with it, that someone really, really liked it, and you made it. this kind of interaction, i think, it can really sustain you for weeks. it can sustain you through a lot of terrible things. its confirmation that you exist, and that (however briefly) your existence was appreciated by someone else through your art.

I just learnt through my therapist yesterday that the love and affection that I’ve been unconsciously and desperately longing for since I was a kid, cannot be rectified nor be fulfilled now. That truly broke my heart and felt like I got abandoned all over again.

I don’t know what to think of life anymore, this just changed my perspective completely.

♾️

Their expression 😂😂😂

"Methodology stifles creativity."

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➺ Introduction :

This book isn’t really a book.

It’s more of a diary, a journal. In this I will simply put not only my opinion but my thoughts, precisely my train of thoughts.

Why you may ask. Simply because thinking is something I do a lot, maybe too much. I am what you may call an over-thinker. Even though most of the time I perceive it as some sort of curse for making me dwell on things too much, I sometimes find myself being impressed by how much one can think, by how one’s mind can go far and fast. So during one of my never ending insomnias I thought, why not write down those thoughts, those things you think or ask yourself about. It might actually help me write better and take away a bit of the burden that are those overwhelming thoughts, and maybe someone, like you dear reader, might relate to the things I write. Therefore I decided to give it a shot and simply put my mind into words, or at least I’ll try.

I don’t wish to speak too long in this introduction for fear of boring away some potential readers, not that I really care if actual people are going to read this or not, but I do have two more things to add.

First, I feel like I have to precise that I have not been an English speaker since birth. It’s a uselessly complicated way to say that I am still in the process of learning this language but I love it and I feel much more at ease writing in this universal language than my mother tongue. So my bad if I make some mistakes I try to proof read as much as I can usually but because I think in this journal I’ll just write as it comes I might make more mistakes that I might not see.

And finally, I simply wanted to address the meaning of the title. I always struggle to find titles for my books and novels, so most of the time I settle for something a bit abstract but still linked to the matter at hand.

Consequently, I decided to title this (whatever this is) ‘𝐏𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐞𝐬’ because in French those flowers are named ‘Pensées’ which also means ‘thoughts’.

I originally thought of a word play with ‘forget me not’ and ‘forget me notes’ because I personally write a lot of what's on my mind in the notes app on my phone... Am I the only one to do that?... Anyway…

To conclude, as I said somewhere above, I don’t really care if nobody actually ends up reading this, I might even keep it to myself, but if you are really there my dear reader and it is not myself reading this page over and over again in order to find a reason to do something about this manuscript, I hope you will enjoy this, whatever this is, and if you don’t I hope at least I will enjoy it.

✿❀✿

🔺Original work, please do not steal or copy. Thanks.🔺

You will find here a list of all my projects/stories that I posted. -> edited each time I add chapters ;) 🔺All of my work is original, please do not steal or copy. If anything might seem plagiarized it is an unwanted coincidence, please notify me. Thanks :)🔺

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🍄 - 𝓜𝓮𝓮𝓽 𝓶𝓮, 𝓟𝓸𝓹𝓹𝔂

My lovely persona <3

Meet the artist.

🪻- 𝑷𝒂𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒆𝒔

Introduction

Pansy n°1 = F*cking writer’s block.

Pansy n°2 = I love English.

Pansy n°3 = "I'm tired".

Pansy n°4 = A little catch up.

Pansy n°5 = Reality ? No thanks...

Pansy n°6 = Oneiric inspiration.

Pansy n°7 = My mind's safe space.

Pansy n°8 = Who are my / our Husbandos ?

Pansy n°9 = I'm "over"-everything.

☎️ - 𝓑𝓪𝓫𝔂 𝓗𝓸𝓽𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓮

❀ Pansy n°1 = F*cking writer’s block.

I really enjoy writing.

Like a lot.

I think it’s because I have a lot on my mind and I thrive to get it out of my head. Like I don’t want to lose the ideas I have so I try to write as much as I can somewhere, everywhere. I literally have a note on my phone titled ‘Story ideas’ , and up to this date (the time I’m writing this) I collected twelve ideas without counting this book, or whatever this is. I have some ideas that are way more developed than others and some that are just fun things I thought about, but I feel like I could do so much with each of them. And I want, I really want to use all those amazing ideas and make them into the novels they deserve to be, but sadly… It always ends the same.

You see, dear reader, there is some sort of pattern that seems to come back in my life as a wannabe writer. Most of the time it starts with me having a dream or a daydream about whatever came to my mind this day. Then I realize that I really like what I’m imagining, that it’s actually really interesting and maybe it could grow into something more. So I continue to think about it for days, weeks, months, sometimes years and I end up with a full on story of ten novels and even a sequel (I may exaggerate a bit, but only a bit). And here I am, attached to this universe I created, to these characters I watched growing up and all the important events of their adventures I want everyone to know about, and I’ll be heartbroken to just leave it at that. To just leave it as a simple fantasy, a dream, a figment of my subconscious. I cannot possibly let it be forgotten, because I’ll inevitably forget it if I do not act and do something to keep it somewhere, anywhere. So comes the time to write, to finally put into words this story, this scenario that was entirely made up by myself and my creative mind.

Yet, when I finally have the motivation to write something, anything, this so-called motivation never comes alone. It always comes with it. You might be confused as to who or what I’m talking about dear reader. Well, I am talking about this horrible realization that writing is difficult as f*ck.

In fact, I always end up being lost in all the details of my stories. I always end up realizing that I thought of things, but not everything, and that I have now to choose the right words, the right grammar, the right phrasing to accurately depict the world, the characters and the adventures I have created. And this dear reader is so very hard.

Then I also have to think about all that’s in between the big events of the story to tone down the dose of action in the script, to show the character development, to exploit the characters' relationships and make the readers like them as well as relate to them. At this point, writing seems like a chore, a big task that is too hard for me to actually be able to finish.

Admitting that I actually started something and didn’t give up just messily writing down notes on a random notebook, I never seem to end up writing things that I like. Writing becomes stress inducing because I constantly think about what I have to write down after this exact moment for it to make sense and how I have to make some details pop out but not too obvious for the reader to notice them but not understand their importance. All in all my thoughts, ideas and anxiety create this jumbled mess in my head and I am incapable of writing.

To this date I have three started and unfinished projects. One that I started when I was like 12 or 13 and actually finished (well at least the first book or season because it was written as a screenplay) after having started at least four or five different versions of it. But as time flew by I ended up hating what I wrote so I decided to start it all over again this time as a novel. Yet I didn’t get far because I started questioning the originality and interest of this story that was in fact kind of childish. It was very important to me because it was the first ever thing I wrote down and I loved it dearly, but I inevitably left it aside.

Then much later I started thinking of this thriller based on a nightmare I had. So with one of my sisters we wrote everything down about the plot, the characters, the universe, etc… I even started writing but I never went past the first chapter. I was just unable to. I wanted to, really, because it has a lot of potential and I wanted it done but I dreaded writing about it because I couldn’t come up with correct phrasing and ideas of filler chapters. I was also so far ahead in my mind, already thinking of what could happen in the second book of this saga. I’m always thinking too far, too fast. So I have a second draft lying around on my computer.

Finally, recently I decided that I wanted to truly finish a book, that I was going to do it, and in order to do just that I thought of a simple love story which could fit in a tiny and single book. Like that no thinking ahead and finishing with ideas for an infinite number of books. So I took notes of ideas as they came, created the characters and found their visuals, all of that in a very short amount of time and I loved doing it. I was thrilled! It felt good to be able to do things so fast and smoothly. Then I started writing, it went well, I was inspired and I liked how I wrote, but came chapter 7 and I stopped completely because I was once again starting to complicate the task at hand. I was either distracted or not inspired or just lazy. So I stopped and a third unfinished draft joined my computer.

Whenever I want I could go back to either of those drafts and continue them, because deep down I know I am capable of doing it, of writing but I can’t seem to do so. I am just stuck with overflowing ideas but the incapability of fully writing things down. It s*cks… And it makes me feel incapable.

So I just have one thing to say: f*ck writer’s block.

✿❀✿

🔺Original work, please do not steal or copy. Thanks.🔺

- notify me if there are typos ;)

✿❀✿

There was a long break between the time I wrote the first entry and this one. So I decided that after this opinion piece about writing in a foreign language I will probably in the near future publish a longer and more personal entry that I wrote in order to “catch up” on my mental health :)

✿❀✿

❀ Pansy n°2 = I love English.

It is true, I do love the English language.

In fact, today I am in my first year of college and I follow a course in English Literature and Civilisations. So basically I am studying this language in depth. It feels great as, when I started this journal, it was the only thing I was wishing for but it is a lot harder than I thought…

Anyway, it is definitely not what I want to write about.

What I want to speak of, to let my mind wander to, is how I find it easier to express myself, my thoughts, my mindset, my feelings in English rather than in my mother tongue. I find it so strange yet fascinating and a bit logical. Actually, I have been told (or I have read somewhere but can’t remember where) it is a fact that bilingual people describe their emotions and communicate in their learned language with more ease. I find it quite logical as we have learned precise words and ways to express peculiar and specific events, feelings,... We have a whole new and fresh vocabulary imprinted in our minds so it feels like we have more words to clearly express something. Moreover, it creates more distance between us and the problems or feelings we’re facing.

I personally relate to this a lot.

I think it might be enhanced by the fact that I read more in English as well. So in a way, my literary vocabulary is more extended in English. I consume a lot of English entertainment. Songs, books, movies, series, fanfictions…

My mind even works in English. I think, speak and dream in English. Weirdly, it just comes naturally.

When I write or read in my mother tongue things just feel cringe and wrong, like there’s always a better way to say those things. Sometimes I think of sayings and expressions in English which are perfect for what I am trying to say but, it has to be in my mother tongue and it either doesn’t have an equivalent or even if it has, I feel like it loses a bit of its meaning. It is truly complicated, especially when I talk with people and only English vocabulary comes to my mind. Moreover, as an aspiring writer and translator, I cannot and do not want to lose connection with my mother tongue. I have to practice it and feel more comfortable with it. And when I successfully write in my native language, I cannot express how proud I feel. It just is awesome to see that I am capable of writing beautiful and meaningful things in this language that I feel so uneasy with.

Yet, I feel that sometimes it is an enormous struggle to communicate with others when I can’t speak with them with some english words and expressions. Like I said, more than often I have english words which come to my mind and it is hard to find how to say it in my native language. The worst is, when I struggle and people tell me to just say as I think, they end up mocking me and saying things like “Oh excuse me ! Madame only speaks English !” It makes me feel awful as people clearly think I am trying to expose my good english. Like I am pompous, conceited, arrogant… And it is very much what I don’t want people to think of me. Even though I am, in fact, proud of the quality of my English - written and spoken - I don’t want people to see me as someone who thinks too highly of herself.

ANYWAY. I enjoy writing in english. I enjoy speaking in english. And I will not stop practicing this language.

✿❀✿

🔺Original work, please do not steal or copy. Thanks.🔺

- notify me if there are typos ;)

✿❀✿

This chapter tackles subjects that can be sensitive to some readers, please do not interact if you are uncomfortable.

⚠️ Warning : depiction of depressive behavior (depressive thoughts, suicidal thoughts,…).

Read at your own risk.

- Beaucoup d’amour, Poppy.

✿❀✿

❀ Pansy n°3 = “I’m tired.”

This quick, short, simple sentence is quite interesting. I like it as much as I hate it. It can be seen as meaningless whereas it is possibly quite meaningful.

“I’m tired.”

It is the most mundane way to express a physical state of fatigue. It is not too tiring to say it because of its shortness, and it is easily understandable. Everyone knows and understands what being tired is, right ? It is a state that everyone suffers from almost daily. Everyone knows this feeling in the morning, when it is difficult to get up because you’re still tired, you haven’t slept enough and your body is begging you to stay cuddled up in your warm bed sheets. The horrible pain that comes with having to pry your eyes open when they can’t help but stay closed. How helpless one can feel, as it is like fighting against your own body to finally get up, to finally wake up.

I also think that everyone knows the feeling of fatigue weighing down your eyes, as if you can physically feel your eyebags because your exhaustion is so present that it has started to weigh you down.

Personally, I know what I’m talking about, ‘cause I have quite the messed up sleep schedule (thanks to insomnia, never ending anxiety, and maybe a bit because of my excessive screen time… :/ ).

Living while being tired is very difficult. How can one be expected to work normally when their body isn’t at its maximum capacity. It’s normal to ask yourself this type of question, but sadly, because today’s society goes so fast, and everyone has to work their asses off to survive, you have no choice but to overview your own physical condition to go on. This type of difficult living is, today, what we can call “common-knowledge”. It bothers everyone but nothing can quite be done…

Yet, it can be even more difficult than being physically tired. In fact, it becomes worse when being physically exhausted is your everyday state. When it is like this constantly, you cannot help but also be emotionally tired. And that’s when the meaning of this simple sentence changes.

“I’m tired”, becomes a simplified way to express an emotional, moral and psychological state of fatigue. I would go even as far as saying, a state of depression.

In this specific case, I don’t think everyone knows how this feels. It is so particular, peculiar, distinct. This precise state can be depicted as a constant feeling of being numb. Emotions are tiring so you can end up not feeling them anymore, you literally seal them away to not waste the last small bits of your energy on them. On the other hand, you can end up feeling them as if they were multiplied, which tires you out even more. Both of those cases are terrible for your mental health. In this peculiar state of psychological exhaustion, thinking can become tiring, any little event or responsibility can be seen as a humongous activity which will inevitably steal away all your energy. My point of view and explanation of this physical, psychological and emotional state can be biased by the fact that I am quite subject to anxiety. So, I may give away a more “exaggerated” version of it (I am also hypersensitive, so everything feels multiplied).

I, personally, feel exhausted by these constant overwhelming thoughts, responsibilities, changements and the inevitable passing of time which gives me less time to process and get through all those things which overwhelm me.

As I grew up, this simple sentence totally changed its significance for me. It is as if it lost all of its raw meaning. I feel a bit guilty of this… Let me explain.

When I was younger, everyone knew me for being a heavy sleeper. I mean, it happened more often than not that I slept in until 2pm. I just needed a lot of sleep, and also felt inevitably safe in my bed that on so many mornings I was just too lazy to get up and get breakfast. But as time went by, it was revealed that I indeed slept late, but that was because I fell asleep late (mostly because of hyperfixations, screens, sometimes books, fanfictions or, of course, overthinking). So even if I slept a lot, in the eyes of my family, I kept on complaining that I was tired, obviously. But what was not so obvious, was the fact that I slowly started to use this excuse of “I’m tired” to express a lot of other things.

In fact, I started answering to every worried plea towards me by, “Don’t worry, I’m just tired.” Even though that was not the only reason… When I was feeling down, I said “I’m tired.” When I was down right sad, I said “I’m tired.” When I was annoyed, I said “I’m tired.” Et caetera…

I just thought that it was easier that way. I did not have to bother and try to explain what happened in my mind to people I was sure did not care and couldn’t help me. Plus, I just didn’t know what truly made me feel so down, so tired. It was also easier for me to reduce all of those conflictive feelings to just tiredness. And it was not entirely false. I, indeed, feel exhausted.

I am tired of being tired. Tired of working, of talking, of moving, of socializing, of thinking, of pushing through, of going forward, of making efforts, and more often than not… tired of living.

Everything just feels like a humongous burden. Every little thing weighs me down like it’s a matter of life and death. I can’t help but overthink everything, anything. I always analyze things too much, I always think too far ahead, I’m a pessimist… And I’m just tired of it all.

Everything feels helpless when you can’t help but just be tired.

It makes living an exhausting, never ending effort. The worst is that most of the time this fatigue passes off as laziness. People just criticize you because you’re “lazy”, when in fact you’re just internally exhausted. And I hate it. So many people just don’t understand this state of mind. Because it is one. As I said before, it becomes a real state of physical, psychological, emotional and moral exhaustion. And it is overlooked more often than not.

It is a real state of distress.

I have no solution to this because I am very clearly suffering from it. But I simply want people to know that they're not alone. I am sure we are thousands out there feeling helpless. I know so because mental health has become a much more talked about subject these past years, especially on social media. Still, I don’t think it is enough.

The mental distress of teenagers is particularly overlooked. I personally think it is because the adult/parent generation of today is made of people whose feelings and mental health have been overlooked during their entire growing process. How many times have we heard from our parents or grandparents “At your age I had to deal with things on my own” or stuff like that. And we know that in the past, mental health was clearly not cared for or seen as important and impacting on people’s lives. So how can they teach us that mental state and emotions matter when they haven’t been educated like that. I think it can be qualified as “generational trauma”.

Anyway, I might have gone too far into thinking again. I feel like I am stating so many obvious things but I like getting it out of my system. I really enjoy writing those pensées… It helps me be a little less confused about my feelings and honestly…

It makes me feel a little less tired.

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🔺Original work please do not steal or copy, Thanks.🔺