Tw Sui Vent - Tumblr Posts

i wish i could give up

i dont want to live anymore

im so tired of everything

i cant handle anything without breaking into tears

im sorry malachi

im sorry for being weak

im so fucking sorry.

tw rather graphic sui vent

i want to fucking kill myself

dig blades into my arms

feel the blades deep into my flesh

i want blood streaming down my arms

fire dancing over my skin

rivulets of blood carving rivers into my flesh

i want to feel my consciousness fade out into the dark abyss of nothing

be free from this stupid fucking shitty meat suit

be released from the shackles of existence

life is an infinite monotonous gray canvas

i want to splatter it with crimson and finally break out of this stupid cage

i deserve pain and suffering and eternal punishment

death would be merciful

i want to split open my limbs

carve into my bones

leave giant bleeding gashes in my stupid fucking body

carve out chunks of flesh

watch as i fall apart into pieces

i want to throw myself into a fire

watch as my skin shrivels into darkness

feel the burning agony pierce deep into the core of my very being

i want to stab myself and dig chunks out of my flesh

watch as my organs start hanging out of my body and entrails collect on the ground

i want to gouge my eyes out until all i see is red and then black

i want to feel like my entire world is agony and nothing more

reduce my existence to a single blazing spear of fire

tunnel vision into white hot embers

i want to throw myself off a skyscraper

feel the wind grasp at me

the endless freedom of falling

the explosion of agony

the shattering of my being

split myself into tiny shards

watch as the scales of my fate tip and plummet into the abyss

watch as it shatters into a million fragments of broken futures

i want to feel the thrill of control

the feeling of my spirit flooding my limbs

i want to stop being a puppet pulled by golden strings controlled by the cruel mistresses of destiny

i want to be able to sever the threads of my life

split them with a slash of a blade

i want to slice my limbs into paper thin slices

see the twitching muscle

blood pulsing out a pool of crimson slowly growing

i want to drive nails into my hands and feet

shove a spear into my side

feel blood dripping down my skin

hang as a violent mockery

i want to embed a blade into my skin

lift it up

watch as my skin peels off

i want to just lie down in a bathtub

rest my head against the cold porcelain

lift a blade to my wrist

feel it bite into my flesh

and just

slash

watch as it splits and opens

watch as the blood starts pulsing out

feel my mind start to float away and finally find peace peace peace

i want to tie a cloth around my throat and twist the tourniquet as it tightens and tightens and tightens

as my body feels light and hazy and i feel my pulse throbbing over my whole body as a final desperate attempt to survive but it fails and everything fades into black darkness

thats what true beauty is

the perfect serenity of death and nonexistence

i want to tie a noose and tie it to a hook

put my head in

feel it constraining my throat and just kneel and let myself hang

start floating away as i feel lighter and lighter and i slip into the empty void of nonexistence into true freedom

away from this life away from all pain away from everything in existence

the concept of existence itself is flawed the dichonomy of existence and nonexistence is inherently asymmetrical

to not exist is to never feel pain

i want to make my way up many flights of stairs

go onto the roof and see the sky stretching above me

feel the wind against my skin

lean against the railing

aware of the fragility of my existence

one simple tipping moment as i plummet into an explosion of nothingness

let me die and be freed from this prison of monotony

everything is in patterns and routines

i am trapped on this train hurtling towards jagged shards of reality

let me make my own story

jump off the train into the dark welcoming abyss

let me die

let me die

let me die

i wanna die :(

i actually feel okay! 😊 *random wave of depression* oh wait nvm im a shit person and i should mutilate myself beyond recognition ok

i genuinely hate myself so much- why the fuck am i like this???

i should really carve out this worthless taint upon the world

whats the fucking point anymore?

Day vent, tw

So after I dragged myself out of bed, walked to my bus stop in the freezing cold, I could only withstand suffering for only 2 class periods. The day started out fine, I was fine then at the end of 2nd period it all just hit me all at once. I felt so sick I went to the nurse because I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn't think straight. So I told the nurse I felt sick and left school. I was able to dismiss myself since my mom didn't answer my 3 phone calls.

I didn't know where to go. I couldn't go home because my mom would lecture me and know that I'm getting bad again. So I went to the library. And as I'm walking I hear the voice In the back of my head tell me that I'm so fucking stupid for leaving school like the failure I am. Then I realized why I had to leave. If I didn't leave I swear at that moment they were going to find my wrist slit in the girl bathroom. So I'm glad I left or I would have been dead by now or worse in the hospital for failing that as well. Not everyday is this bad but when It is I just don't have the strength to handle intrusive/suicidal thoughts.

Tw: sui implication, cursing

"You're being selfish"

I'm being selfish. IF I WAS BEING FUCKING SELFISH I WOULD HAVE ALREADY PUT A FUCKING GUN IN MY MOUTH A PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER. You can call me anything you want but please don't call me selfish because it's taking all my fucking will power to even breathe for a second longer.

there is legitimately a 70% chance i off myself on thursday. Gonna say my goodbyes to the 1 person that still matters to me, drum one last time, probably watch some of my favourite movies then tomorrow I'll go to "get the bus" but actually walk abt a mile down the road to a national speed limit motorway and jump in front of a semi.

I wonder if anyone will mourn me?

ꗃ logging on... loading..... ❀ oak is online !! ╰┈➤ tw, rant dont look if you just want posts with art or smth

as someone who has gotten called out for multiple things and been accused of horrible things that trigger me, it's... tough.. you have tons of people dog piling you, people who you dont even know telling you you're worthless. everyone, even your best of friends, isolating you. sometimes you dont even know what you did. you have people telling you that you're useless, driving you to the point of isolation and suicidal ideation, or sometimes.. suicide. i honestly wish callouts didnt exist. because RARELY its about "watch put for this person" its more of a "look how much better i am than this person" or "im jealous of this person so im going to stal- i mean, dig through their past or fake screenshots" it just sucks that people are like this.

People have to understand that, as soon as you are in a callout, you are marked, and are labeled with a discrediting attribute that you're burdened with. This reduces and delegitimazes your voice and your ability to be trusted and interacted with, leading to being ostracized and excluded. That is the point of the callout. After being marked and labeled, those who aren't stigmatized will avoid contact with the "stigma bearer." When marked, anytime the stigma bearer is recognized, they generate a response of aversion and disgust in those who believe the callout, which they rationalize and justify through the notion that those who receive callouts "deserved it"

This way, the stigma is seen by others as transferable by association, and as a threat that is understood as a fair and legitimate reason to keep a safe distance, as to avoid becoming a stigma bearer. When those who aren't associated, and are sufficiently separated from the stigma bearer, support and defend the stigmatized, they become "infected" by association. But, those directly marked will always be affected the most, as they're exposed first and more widely. When labeled as a stigma bearer, the perception of you being unsafe is spread around as a warning, which is done under the guise of maintaining the safety and sanctity of the community

This policing of "bad actors" is weaponized to get rid of those that are undesirable within the community, and callouts are used against those that are marginalized, as they usually lack the social resources to retaliate. Those that divert from the norm are also the most likely to be in risk of suffering real life consequences when separated from their communities and support nets, and callouts are intentionally made to socially murder them. This is why these warnings are shared "just in case," so people can feel morally righteous for defending the community, despite taking no actions to stop actual issues

i am now officially concerned and slightly traumatised for you as much as i am for @3m0n3rd

@3m0n3rd YOU THERE?!! WE NEED TO PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING I SWEAR TO GOD, NOBODY WANTS TO BE TRAUMATISED FROM SOMETHING LIKE THIS

@cupofcappuccy.. PLEASE GET HELP!! there is no need to be like this, you are PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE!!! i adore the fanart you made for 3m0, please do NOT commit suicide, i'm very sad now and you almost had me balling my eyes out

Tw: suicide

Yeah, no, I'm done with everything. I'm too deep into this to get out. I'm still working on a note for this if I actually die. I can't do with life anymore. I can't force myself to pretend not every single thing reminds me of every little imperfection I have. Sorry if this seems like attention seeking. I don't wanna just disappear without any trace. May god forgive my sins and give me peace for I've been craving it since day one.

EDIT:

Yeah, it didn't end well.

I think that the fact I'm trying not to kill myself proves that I don't actually want to, it just seems easier that Dealing with my problems.

⚠️Tw suicide mention⚠️

I don't know what to do anymore

My friend want to kill herself and I can do shit about it

I mean I am trying my best to stop her but it looks like nothing reaches her

She doesn't listen

She doesn't want to listen

And I feel so hopeless, so useless, so worthless....

If she kills herself I will blame myself till the end

I survived.,. Unluckily

You know how it feels to go to uni after an attempt and pretend like nothing had happened?

Pretend that there is no problem with you at all....

And they will never know that I tried, and tried, and tried to take my own life while they were watching stupid movies in the next room

I really enjoy hiding the truth, as my "mum" said, I'm a master at it

"I live"

How funny it sounds after so many attempts of taking my own life

How this shit means literally nothing to me

It's just a sentence

Just words

I laugh when I hear it, say it or see it

Because I know how meaningless it is

i just want 2 dieee, yeahh so pls just lett meee diieeeyahh

vent, tw suicide

there will be a day where ill send out those notes ive written

i was supposed to a few days ago

im not supposed to be here.

but i am.

because i didnt get to attempt. everything went wrong.

i got asked to hang out, i got news we were moving out of this shitty town soon a few days beforehand, i had no physical strength to do anything i was already in too much pain. i had a set day. i had notes. everything. but it all went wrong. and i told him. i stupidly told him i was going to attempt. and he comforted me.

god damnit.

Thought i'd share my experience with suicidal thoughts and self harm so here it goes. A lot of triggers probably so you may wanna step out.

When i was 10 years old, i was really stuck on school stuff. like, they put a lot of pressure on us, and i'm a real procrastinator. i waited till the last moment to do all that stuff, and honestly it's my fault. the thing is, i had to stay up till kinda late, wich i used to NEVER do. plus, on the next day we had to present that stuff to our parents, plus dance for everyone else's parents too, and play a song, and i have social anxiety. This got me so stressed for the longest time, bc it was like a huge thing and it was worth a lot of my grades. to top it all off, that annoying ex friend who kept pressuring us didnt even show up.

The next year, i started hating school for it. It felt useless, and i felt no motivation. The worst part was: that year, i made two friends, but they ended up pretty fake, one in specific. she thouht she was better than me, and made sure i knew it. She made fun of using medicine, was pretty ableist and was a complete narcissist. During that time, i started thinking i was autistic. i related way too much with stuff i read about it, but when i told her i thought that she went "haha aren't we all" and just kept on with her life. She didnt try to underestand me, and i think i felt a need to be validated by her. I started feeling the pressure of school, the dependence i felt towards my friends and my self hate, always being fed by both media i came across and my toxic relationship with my own feelings.

Soon, i started feeling extremely depressed, trying to figure out if i truly was autistic or if there was something wrong with me. To complement all that, i started finding out about my queerness, which was important, but it actually only made me feel more stressed.

I had to go with my parents on their business trip on October, and it felt great to escape for a while. The problem was that, by the time, i already felt incredibly depressed. I wasnt exited about anything, had no motivation, and to be honest the only thing that kept me from killing myself was the thought of how my friends would feel, specially one of my best friends, who nowadays i am proud to call my brother, was also suffering with his own mental health.

On that trip, i had many valuable conversations with my friends, them helping me go through this even with the distance, even if every time i saw a window i begged myself to jump. They helped me figure out my sexuality, which also gave me courage to both come out to my mom and come clean about my depressing thoughts.

After i came back home, i started having to wear an orthopedic vest or whatever, idk how to say that in english. Of course that didnt help much my situation, but at least i started going to therapy. I went back into school and saw my friends, including that one girl i mentioned earlier.

While that happened, i had some serious anger issues. I was pretty rude to her, while she was ableist to me. After I told her and my other friends I'm a lesbian, they all were supportive of me, except for her. It kept on for the whole year, until i finally changed schools together with a friend of mine.

I could see other friends on my new school, but the change was weird. The new school was farther from my house so i had to wake up earlier, but at least i got rid of seeing that girl. The thing is, i kept lying to my therapist, and felt like i couldnt tell anyone my thoughts and feelings. I started having kinda murderous thoughts about me killing my homophobic classmates and then myself. I continued procrastinating my arts project, and i thought i'd get a failing grade. Not long after, i started cutting myself. I liked the pain. Its like I had always felt. By the time, i found out a way of fooling the medicine, kind of stopping it from working. I thought I deserved to feel like this. I started planning on killing myself.

I had the perfect plan of every step i'd take. I'd take a cup of coffee on the middle of the night, wearing my favourite PJ's, steal a bunch of ginger biscuits from the kitchen and go to the little empty house on our yard. I'd grab a knife with me. I was going to send my goodbyes via whatsapp, eat all the biscuits and cut my palm with the knife, to use the blood to write on the walls. After that, i'd slit my throat. But i didnt do any of these. Because of my ex brother-in-law.

I started planning my goodbyes, sending myself the texts i'd send them that night, just so i could copy and paste. Then, i'd send their friends texts for them to comfort my friends. On that, i sent my ex brother-in-law a message asking him to comfort my brother the next day. I thought he wouldnt see it immediatly, but he did. He asked why, and i answered i was going to kill myself. He started lecturing me, and i admit that his speech wasnt what kept me alive, but the fact it lasted 10 minutes and made me forget to drink the coffee to keep me up.

I slept tightly that night, the night i had been planning to be my last.

After that hell of a night, i started using my medicine correctly, which helped a lot on my recovery. Today, a fuck ton of time later, I'm telling you about it, because a few days ago i cut myself again. I dont want anyone to go through that, to think their feelings arent valid because there are people who suffer more, who think life is nothing but the limited time of working of the brain and the heart.

Life means, you get to change. Life means, you get to thrive. Life literally means whatever the fuck you want it to mean. So live. It's your only chance.

SUICIDE INDICATORS (TW)

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. As I am writing this, many beings are thinking about ending their journey, for one reason or the other. Suic*** has been normalized when happening in certain contexts and forgotten about in many others. The truth is that, for a horrible amount of individuals, the reason was society. It is important to understand that we are all here in the same way, but we are not as strong to take it all in and move on. That's why we need to be respectful and caring towards others. One day it could be you, and it may be for a different reason, but you'd want someone to show you their heart.

You are needed. You are wanted. You are loved. If you are looking for a sign, this is it. You are important and I appreciate your existence. Earth wouldn't be the same without you. Please keep going. You can do it. You are awesome. Show your light. Stay.

The Indicators Project seeks to provide validation to those that have been through the situations and conditions described, as well as to bring awareness to many different issues and ways of being that are usually undervisibilized, misunderstood or unspoken due to still being some sort of taboo.

Indicators should never be used as a tool for self-diagnosis nor against yourself or others in any way, shape or form. Having one single indicator does not mean you will experience the situation described, specially if you never have before. Do not take this as a life sentence but rather as an explanation of the possibility of experiencing something. Use it the events in your journey through a wider perspective.

The ultimate purpose of Indicators is to be eventually used as a tool for prevention and self-awareness by all beings. Indicators signal the likelihood for situations, events, conditions and decisions. There are more indicators that need to be found, so researchs remain open forever. If you would like to participate in this or any other research as a volunteer, write an e-mail with the Subject 'Research Volunteer' to [email protected] I'm currently researching many different things so don't be afraid to reach out and introduce yourself. Feel free to tell me your story and as much (or little) details as you wish. Thank you for being you.

TW// self-unaliving

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I think I am going to have to make a plan to kms even though I don't want to die because I am failing all my classes and I would need an actual miracle to pass any of them and if I fail all of them let alone just one of them, then it's all over for me. My life will be over anyways.