Kinda Depressing - Tumblr Posts
Lost Love 🩶 (my online dating apps movie and billie eilish music video)
Bleeding Heart
You and me forever
.
•
.
I never been to the beach
I envy the sea
I wish i was as free as the birds
Even them, they must obey the wind
Sweet sand, cover me fully
Warm sun-kissed skin
Bronze me and leave me lovely
Kiss me quickly
Like a wave, i move on swiftly
At my own pace
Til i give in
Depressed Barbie 🖤 (my 1990s rockstar girlfriend lookbook and billie eilish music video)
there's a girl screaming voraciously at the back of my mind. spitting, crying, bleeding with rage
"I hate you"
"I fucking hate you"
"I wanna kill you"
and i don't know how to calm her down...
Haha, pain
Insults dont hurt
No one has insulted me in a long time… other than myself
Hmmmmm maybe I need help hmmmmmmm
Story time! ( it’s about using escapism as a coping mechanism ) ( also just kinda ending up venting )
From around the ages of 6 and up I started using escapism without knowing.
One of my most common escapes was pretending/hoping that I was part of a big royal family who would come get me and take me away from my current parents.
I liked to believe and live thinking there could be an out, someone would come looking for me one day, and I would go to an amazing life with a kind caring family. They would always love me no matter what.
Or now that I’m older I, and as much as it might seem weird, is that I pretend to sometimes be the parents I always wanted. In my backpack/lunchbox I leave the little “I love you!! ❤️ “ Notes in there for me to find. Or I make myself a chore list and then I add little note saying how proud they are of me.
My parents would never do these things. They also wouldn’t be accepting of me in any way, but I love to pretend and do things and imagine it’s them doing/saying it.
Now my parents aren’t like abusive or too neglectful, but they definitely aren’t at home a lot and don’t have time for me most of the time other then “how was your day” “hello” or “your grades are getting lower” “ just try harder”
My grandmother is kind of raising me at this point ( the amount of times I’ve called her mom is concerning ) and she acts like a way better mother figure than my mother most days.
I do however love my father very much. He does have a temper but normally not at me. We share most the same issues so we get along well!
Anyway sorry for info/ dumping have my life store on a random app full of random people who ( understandably) don’t care that much !!! Have a nice day lol
My adopted mum once said that my young brother being depressed is a choice...its something he looked for and got for himself, whats there to be depressed about if you grow up well and have a nice job...
well how about being an orphan who was physically and mentally abused and had a girlfriend who committed suicide sound like yo you???? How about having a chronic disease what does that mean? Growing up well what a load of bull crap
A rant.
I can’t stop feeling like a fucked up burden. Not only on my family or friends, but on the whole fucking world. I can’t shake this nagging feeling that said world would be better off without me. That it would flourish and more people would be joyful without me in it. Without me making my surroundings so miserable, without me fighting every thought that crosses my brain just to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay.
I don’t feel safe anymore.
Not in my room, not in my house, not with my family, not alone, not in this society, not in this world.
I’ve been in a fight or flight or freeze mode for almost a year now and I can’t remember how I snapped out of my last episode of it.
I want to let go. To punch something. To hurt something. To hurt myself.
Life is getting to be too much.
My existence is getting to be too much.
Too much to bear, too little to fight for, not enough to hold on to.
I’m numb.
I haven’t shed a comforting tear in days, weeks, months and I’m terrified of the outburst I’m inevitable to go through but I can’t even force the tears out. Not even for an acting scene.
Part of my brain wishes to remain frozen in place whilst the other one craves the rush of jumping off a roof but I know one would provide temporary relief in a closeted prison which called disassociation when the other one would, theoretically, provide end to one suffering and start of another, more potent kind of suffering.
I can barely remember yesterday and only flashes of this week are all that’s left in my memory. Flashes from minutes, hours and days.
Just like I can’t remember much of last year and only flashes of my whole life are the only proof that I was actually “alive” and wasn’t merely put on this earth right now. That I had a childhood that I lived through things and saw things and took part of things which I have no recollection of.
I feel alienated. I feel wrong, out of place, as if I don’t belong here. I feel as though I should be somewhere else. In another reality because the one I’m living is so shitty not even a fly would wanna sniff it, let alone eat from it.
I could be more. I should be more is the mantra echoing itself from a distant, lightly dimed room in my brain. But the room is windowless and door-less and the only light source is a flickering candle for the oxygen is running out and even it can’t live on in such a tight space.
It wants out, needs out but the voice needs it so it chooses to kill itself, to suffer in silence, holding on to dear life just to illuminate the room still, until it no longer can. Until time comes for the both them for time always catches up.
But I guess being taken out as a pair is better than being singled out.
Right?
I hope so.
Or I might just finally manage to shed a tear for a missed life, thinking the candle deserved better.
Pooled have the tears but shed themselves they never did.
Perhaps they worry. Perhaps they refuse to drop in fear of extinguishing the still fighting-for-a-breath candle and so they hold back. Hoping an opportunity might still present itself for the gasping beauty and a wall would come crashing down, giving the candle a new breath to draw from so that the light might shine again and the voice wouldn’t despair. So it knows to get up, pick up the candle and go somewhere better. Away from the debris, away from the darkness, away from the loneliness of the closed off space so the tears might finally shed themselves with not fear but with pride.
I am alone. In my thoughts, in my room, in my house, in my society, in my life.
I am lonely. And I can’t remember how to enjoy it.
I reminisce on lost time, on lost opportunity, on lost friendships, on lost relationships, on lost energy and on lost thoughts. I reminisce on what could have been and on what I doubt has to come. I reminisce on clarity, on purpose, on worthiness and carelessness. I reminisce on freedom and acceptance and I reminisce a lost me.
So long my friend.
i’ve had this page since middle school yet i never posted anything. i need a change in life. and i feel like complaining and venting my raw thoughts on tumblr is the best type of therapy <3
currently typing this at 5:36 in the morning in spite of not sleeping. my eyes burn from the mascara leaking into my eye with the addition of being exhausted. listening to lana while pretending that i’m serving cünt while rotting away.
anyway, i feel like people lack the appeal tumblr gives. love the nostalgia it gives me, it’s like the myspace era i never seemed to grasp to the fullest. if only tumblr allowed users to cüntify their page to the fullest like myspace did.
No matter how strong my longing gets, it won't stop as long as I'm me. I can't pretend I don't exist when you're touching me.
Will things ever get better again? Idk,but I wish I had a friend to do things with. My anxiety halts my excitement for all the things I want to do. Even just going for a long walk. *Sigh. I guess if I'm honest with myself,I am lonely. I have my Son, but he's 18. He's creating his own life. I can't put my wants on to him. And my mum , she's 67 and housebound. She's a riot, and I love chilling with her,but she's not going to be going for a hike any time soon. I just don't meet people doing the stuff that I do. And because of the anxiety/paranoia I always have my earphones in with my music up loud, or my head in my phone looking through Reddit, Imgur,or here. I really hope things change soon for the better. And I have to get a cat to make my new flat a home. Now breath. 🖤🤍🐈⬛🐈
“It’s not my fault you sleep all fucking day, I didn’t know you were asleep. A text would have been nice, you know. You slept for 12 hours straight. In what world do you need that much sleep?”
You’re right, let me just [sleep texts you I won’t be awake until 3 pm]
I sleep because if I’m not awake I’m dreaming of a kinder place without having to hurt anyone.
“Why is it that every time you have something decent going for you, you find a way to derail it?”
I’ve been screwed so much in my life that u less I end up self sabotaging myself it doesn’t feel like I ever deserved it. I know it isn’t right, I know it’s my own fault.
IM NOT A VIOLENT DOG; I DON’T KNOW WHY I BITE