Avoidant Attachment - Tumblr Posts

What Rafal's Physical and Immaterial Coolness Could Represent

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As a forewarning, this post is more... observational and has less of a singular, hard-hitting point to it. (Also, see Conan Gray's "Fight or Flight" song for reference, as, most of this post occurred to me in relation to that very song, if you interpret parts of it as representing Rafal's internal monologue on the subject of Rhian's substitutes during Rise.)

Also, this is a long post, so it's going under a cut.

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Why is Rafal's immediate response to personal hurt avoidance of all things? Isn't that kind of a heightened, overly instinctive, clearly "uncool" reaction to have?

And yet, strangely, we still classify it as in character for him. His leaving was, arguably, the most iconic and true-to-self thing he did across both prequels. So, I want to ask: why is that?

That he just up and left seems apathetic and could be construed as part of his cold, cool nature, of course, but still—when we look at what his reaction truly is: he chose flight.

(Flight as opposed to the alternative fight, freeze, or fawn responses.)

FLIGHT! Like, can you believe it? This man, who's so headstrong and willing to stare down anything, chose flight. Let that revelation sink in. (Maybe this is more obvious than I think, but I can't believe I hadn't thought of this weird discrepancy before. Flight!)

Anyway, to explain Rafal's reaction to (potentially) having been emotionally hurt by his argument and corresponding bet with Rhian at the start, I'm going to reference a theory from an old post, as it has suddenly become relevant once again.

In short, the idea is about how Rhian's expressions of authority are personal while Rafal's are nearly always impersonal. Rhian is a master of social dynamics, considering how deftly he lies in Fall to gain favor from others and influence their views of him. And, this makes sense because he once cared so much about how he was perceived, as we take into account his original self-consciousness and his high-minded, conscionable tendencies from Rise. He is the one who wields interpersonal power as Rafal, correspondingly, wields impersonal (often more tangible and brutish) power.

If anyone would like more elaboration, here's an excerpt from that old post:

The strange thing is, in Fall, Rafal admits to having conceded a lot of the time to Rhian in the past, in the face of smaller, pettier arguments, a trend which also represents his yielding to Rhian's (supposedly nonexistent) authority in the early days. That tendency seems self-contradictory of Rafal, but perhaps, even Rafal's authority is situational. He's capable of exercising it over everything and world, but not over his own brother. He can't rein Rhian, the inevitable force, the "fatal" (to invoke both death and "fate") tides of change, the Prime Mover, in. Meanwhile, Rhian is the inverse of that. Rhian cannot exercise authority over everything and the world, but he can do so over his own brother. Besides, Rafal, often by sorcery or by outright manhandling, manipulates and exerts his physicality over others and his environment while Rhian rarely does. And yet, Rafal (from what I remember) never so much as lays a hand on Rhian during Rise (in Fall, everything changes and escalates). I don't yet know why this is, but I think this observation is true most of the time. At least, I haven't thought of any exceptions yet. The working hypothesis I have is that Rhian (being the brother who chose to stay in the comfort and limited confines of the home, according to the Bettelheim text's ideas) only initially felt comfortable to do anything there. To act, and exercise his authority in an intimate, narrow, personal way. By contrast, Rafal (the more worldly, well-traveled, and inconstant brother) wants to gain independence from their stifling "home" life, under the Storian, and, as a result, upon his return, could've felt like a stranger in his own home and with Rhian (who's also changed in his brother's absence regardless). Thus, while Rafal can certainly exercise his authority impersonally, he doesn't feel at ease exercising authority over the familiar because it could be too close for comfort, too unsettling, unsettlingly different and the same, like he can't shed the disbelonging that drove him out of the fairy-tale construct of the "home" as a safe, childhood refuge in the first place—when Rhian first questioned his very core purpose and Evil's existence.

Thus, again, Rafal's ability to wield power is, without exception (I think), always impersonal.

The closest he comes to Rhian's brand of power, which involves acting on a smaller scale or more on an individual, one-to-one level and being intimate, are his interactions with Hook and Midas. And, despite those seductive instances, Rhian is still the master of all the smaller scale exploits, like with Hephaestus and the Pirate Captain rescuing him from the Doom Room where he'd been "abandoned," whenever these acts are in fact intentional.

Yes, Rafal possibly unwittingly, by being more open with his victims, has broader appeal, but that side of him isn't all pure strategy, done with intentionality. Part of it is just how he is. Rhian, unlike his brother, strikes at something inside people that doesn't just rely on scare tactics and classic, one-dimensional intimidation. In Fall, he gains a creepiness factor and the ability to lie convincingly, importantly, without blushing.

Also, I want to commentate a little on Rafal's novel instance of blushing during Fall, which was quite unlike his usual self.

First, here's some context about physical coolness, the socially-perceived "cool factor," and how blushing can only ever be sincere and is valuable because it is involuntary from Quiet by Susan Cain:

I suspect Fall aimed to establish Rafal as more "trustworthy," and as more subject to having humility thrust upon him, than he had been in Rise, when he had previously been insurmountable.

Yet then, after that "invulnerable," unaffected precedent he set about himself, he started blushing, signaling that he suddenly began to care, and that the opposite was true of Rhian as Rhian changed throughout Fall and became more immune to his old, constant feelings of shame that originally must've formed his moral compass.

Also, Rafal gets more points towards being an actual sociopath! He just partially lost his former, low-reactive temperament when he turned "Good."

One other thought of note:

Has anyone ever headcanoned Rafal as having an avoidant attachment style? To complement that, Rhian would probably have an anxious attachment style.

Essentially, the traits of these attachment styles are Rafal and Rhian personified.

Rafal:

Rhian:

Me: stop looking at me like that

You: like what??

Me, visibly sweating: longingly—

Somebody gripping their fist trying to convince you of their disappointment-- this person wants to remind you of their boundaries, so they will intimidate you into anticipating their limits.

They won’t surrender when you let them down. Even as you sincerely disappoint them, they will need you to know that: you can’t give them what they want.

This is someone with anger issues. Someone who is not shy to push for what they want, but all the same does not know how to express themselves. They don’t know how to fulfill their true needs, and stay frustrated with everyone else.

They will not learn how to pull in for an honest moment. So what good will you bring, walking on eggshells?

I have the very real fear of becoming dependent on my boyfriend for emotional support and if it doesn’t work out later I’ll not know how to deal with myself anymore…🤡

This is coming back to haunt me right now

Ana huang why would u do this to me 🥲

I feel violated with the truth in these sentences 🙃🙃🙃🙂🙃🙃🙃🙂

I'm summer finn.

attachment is: the mental tension you feel when you do not get exactly what you crave; it is refusing to accept change or let go of control

~Yung Pueblo, Clarity & Connection ♡

He’s a headache 🔫 (my attachment disorder girl music video)

let the state of being undefined play out

Em C Last night coulda ended on a better note Thanks anyway cos i still had fun I look at you, i didn't wanna see u go Broke something good again, what have i done?

F Em Do you have the energy To listen to me? But i gotta let it be I gotta simply be

Em C Bare hands tryna catch smoke It's no use, let the daylight burn When the night comes and the lights burn low You'll see the lessons are finally learned

F Em Babe i have the energy is what you say to me We're gonna let it be We're gonna simply be

Em C Tonight we finally on the flow state of understanding and broke the patterns Confusion fades away to show Curiosity, liberty, a point of no return

louise glück, the white series // claude monet, houses in the snow // fyodor dostoyevsky, the gentle spirit // jane o. wayne, with solitude //reddit user artsykate, winter nocturne with lonely road // joseph brodsky, to m.b. // fyodor dostoevsky, poor folk // caspar david friedrich, winter landscape // audre lorde, the cancer journals // mahmoud darwish, memory for forgetfulness

girl from the county an hour over

im the problem here i'll admit

omfg well now i need to sit down with why i have such mixed feelings about this film bc i like it so much but. yeah.

Watched Possession (1981) for the first time a few weeks ago and found it incredibly fucking terrifying but also sincerely relatable because I too have a fearful-avoidant attachment style and go from being passionately in love to remembering that love can never truly be articulately broken apart and universally explained therefore causing me to feel as if perhaps I’ve never actually felt love for anyone or anything and in looking back at my parents failed relationship and my mothers desperate attempt to find it once more with other men I, undoubtley, have no proper understanding of the work, passion, and wellness, that encompasses a thriving monogamous relationship, which inadvertently makes me ill equipped to ever truly know if I’ve found “the one” and instead realize that if I feel nothing for no one, I never have to worry about the intricacies of love ever again!!!!!!!!!

(And the cycle repeats over and over again)

10/10 film though! Would never want to willingly watch it again!!!