Crying In My Room Again - Tumblr Posts

I need to achieve big heights in my career... no I Want to achieve big things in my career. But when surviving takes up all my energy and dealing with people who only seem to enjoy tearing me down, I have no energy left to go after my goals. I am tired of curing myself and getting back up on my own. How hard is it for me to be left alone, unbothered... I am not asking for support, I just need 5 minutes of peace.

Finals season motivation! I got this! And so do all of you

Being sad about bangtan leaving knowing full well they were the literal last thread of hope I held onto in the last year if a kind of sadness I cannot express in words I already know

I get why sitcoms and stories end when the found family members move away due to life... all that joy and happiness just becomes a big hollow hole and longing while holding onto the memories and intimacy of being understood.

Being an overthinking swiftie is so fun cuz you realise something new every time you hear a song!

The vault starts with “love thorns all over this rose” in slut! and ends with “with the wilt of the rose” in is it over now😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I always have had big feelings.

It's a curse and blessing.

When I love, I love with all my existence, so much that the love overflows and topples me over like a high tide on a full moon night. And when I hurt... I feel it everywhere. first, it tugs at my feet like the first big wave of the night and then it takes over me like a tsunami.

The hurt reverberates in me and echoes in everything I do. It burns my touches, my smiles and my breaths. The love emanates from me like radiation, everything glows bright and the lightness in my step makes the pavements look pink on a gloomy night. Being with you feels like a sunset, the pinks and oranges fading into an ultraviolet that brings me an incandescent smile. The calm after a day with blazing heat and raging Manhattan breeze feeding into the slow waves of the Hudson against the pier into a night so vibrant and blue it puts the city lights to shame. I chase the moon. As a child of feelings that eat me up the night protects me from judgmental eyes and wraps me in a blanket of comfort. As I lay there, on several dark nights, on city rooftops, shedding tears of red and gold, the moon stood right above me. The moon had been my best friend before I understood the meaning of the word in a moving human being. You feel like the moon comes down on the earth to be my best friend shining light on a dark stormy night. Like the one I come to during times of turbulence. Again, I am well aware these are feelings that aren't necessarily described as normal psychologically. but I have never been one for being "normal". I am too much for everyone and myself. I smile too much and cry too much. Ask too much and reveal too much. I shy away too much and achieve too much. I love too much and hate too much. I am sad too much and worry too much. I am alone too much and I push people away too much. I think about myself too much and wish I didn't disappoint people too much. I hurt too much and love too much. Yet all I crave is the intimacy of being understood. Everyone sees me, eviscerates me, points fingers at me, criticises me and admires me. Not many know me... Do I know me? Do I know you? What are you if not the pieces you have shown me... and if those pieces are anything to go by, I know we are similar.

You love a lot, with all your being. You love the trees, the sun, the moon, the wind, your friends and your family. To be loved by you would be a blessing from the heavens above. To be the one lighting up your eyes and making you turn red. To be the one who takes care of you and makes a fuss about you for once. I am scarred, everywhere outside and inside. The demons that I acquired in the game of life have poisoned my brain into believing I shouldn't deserve someone who can give so much pure unadulterated love. But I refuse to listen to them... I am scared, I always am. Too much (again). Disappointment has been my companion through the rough journies I have taken up until this point. To get disappointed by you and/or to disappoint you would be a shame. You remind me of me- the version who loves with no inhibitions and sees joy in nature. The image of you smiling at the sunset- a recurring occurrence, will forever be etched in my brain. That exact moment was when I fell in love with myself. Seeing you do something I used to do until I started letting people get to me and realising how beautiful your soul is when I fell for myself.

The pragmatic brain in me tells me that it is probably too soon for me to even believe I am in love with you, while the hopeless heart retorts that I fell in love with myself and that is the more important aspect. Is there a point to this rambling other than to detangle the mess in my brain? Not initially, but now the point seems to be the realisation I have had on exactly how deep my feelings could go. Added with the epiphany that I am not scared about it either. Once again, pragmatism and past pain should know better but I have always been the one to feel with all my being. So it only makes sense I feel this with every fibre cell, even the one still recovering from the last fall.

The lights turn green and the doors part ways. Intertwined palms holding on for dear life. Tear stained cheeks and forlorn glances bringing about the kind of pain only love could beautifully master. People around them move in a blur, the world is another echo in the story of their eternal nature. Announcement goes off, their time together is coming to an end sooner than their hearts anticipated. Hands grip tighter and faces inches apart. When the lips collide the salt from the tears merge to create a promise to hold on. A promise to stay true and close, to be present and to love. A promise to not let the miles between the bodies hinder in the hearts intertwined so strongly. Messy kisses, trembling fingers. Separating for scientific reasons. Deep breaths, hopeful smiles. She clutched the bag right as the doors are about to collide. Waving hands, tears of pain and fear giving way to smiles of hope and love. He stays amidst the crowd, she drifts away like a mist of cloud. Not a second before he’s out of sight and she picks the phone up. Now I can’t see who she texts but the romantic in me would be texting my lover for even a second apart makes my brain short circuit with his thoughts. So I continue, projecting myself onto the stranger, and her smile grows as she’s typing away and my heart heals itself at the hope for a beautiful story where love prevails despite circumstances.

How tf do I move on from the friend I am in love with and spend all my time around in one group 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Taylor's albums have always come around the perfect time for me in life. Even if they are announced months prior, the time around which the albums are released is usually when I need them the most. Her songs come to hug me and save me. When TTPD was announced my first thought was "Maybe this time I won't need it to be a hug that saves me but rather a source of joy during a time of pre-existing happiness"

I would LOVE to find where straight men get the fucking audacity from!!!!!

I might look normal but on the inside I am just a mosaic of skz references 😭😭

anti-hero's success and locals going "oh she finally admitted to being a problem" will never not be funny to me. This woman has been admitting to being the problem for years now... you just needed her to tell you in those exact simple words

in the eye of the tornado it all feels everlasting

swirling winds, endless destruction,red snow

bruised minds and broken hearts

one day, it all ends. everything goes

Another dawn, a dusk bringing home

light pouring into brittle souls and bright eyes

What doesn’t wane in the blistering dark

only shines brighter under golden hues

In an instant we’re bursting in technicolor

those wounds still bleed blue but

the pinks I see heal the stings a smidge

marooned hearts painted a new shade

blinding lights, glistening faces all around

Wherever I wander, I return here

to words that hold my blood, brain and soul

after every guttural cold on barren branches

the colour returns home to the trees

A new bloom, stemming from the pain

my lessons giving birth to newer colours

each a unique crescendo of healing

mirror mirror on the wall

I wonder how the butterflies do it do they become someone new after every torturing metamorphosis that gives them wings that shine anew Or do they rue the glitter and turbulence during flying occurs do rivers show them someone else with the bruised heart theirs posses

I could scream till the world’s end about all the lies that they fed warped my mind to see a monster in place of the girl I should’ve fostered Now there she stands with eyes Just as fierce when they caged her I can hold her and touch but never reach the person behind the mirror

I drench in the rain of compliments from people who didn’t know her the rain pricks on my skin like glass needles maybe I’m the one who’s making it harder She didn’t just happen, I know the horrid storm morphed me to her with same eyes, hair and brittle heart stands a girl who hijacked my part

always knew Taylor was for the high-functioning over-achieving burnout depressed girlies but now she has the *perfect* trio of songs to explain it- mirrorball, I Can Do It With A Broken Heart, and this is me trying (in that order)

i couldn’t have found a normal artist to enjoy it just had to be this freak

I love that Taylor’s words and music brings so many people together because we feel seen only through her. I’ve spent all my life trying to explain “I’m so depressed I act like it’s my birthday every day” and end up feeling like a clown. But in this fandom, we all get each other, we’re seen by one another through this shared piece of connection. That’s the beauty of Taylor’s raw and gut wrenching honesty.

ttpd has got my creative juices flowing and now instead being a full-time stem girlie for finals i am being tortured poet girlie... god i am failing

folklore girlies are ttpd girlies and evermore girlies are ttpd anthology girlies i said what i said

y life went from hearing this is me trying every night back home to then listening to dear reader and now the prophecy... i need help