Eldest Daughter - Tumblr Posts

In my next life i'm checking no siblings off of my list of shit that gives me the Ick

I hate being the eldest daughter, eldest sibling, eldest cousin it's aggravating and frustrating. I have nobody to socialize with in my family around my age, closet person to my age is my younger brother were just two years apart and don't have shit in common. I feel like I can't have fun alone (I'm hindered really, I'm not allowed to go anywhere by myself) so, I just bed rot. Outside the house since, I come from a religious community where all the girls I hung around at some point in time were mediocre to me and we didn't have one thing in common. Being the eldest, is both a blessing and a curse, I get independence but at the same time I don't have it. I just feel so lonely. It fucking sucks and I can't help but, want to cry about it. I just want to be a kid again at this point not a senior on my last year of high school.

You ever just feel misunderstood by everybody around you? It's like I want to cry but, I can bring myself to do so. I feel so numb and it sucks. The emotions, I suppose to have and don't have. My family doesn't like listening to me rant and vent. I'm ready to just grab my bags and go somewhere far away when I get the chance since, Apparently I can't claim victim-hood when it's the other person's fault for not thinking rationally and I'm wrong for holding a grudge against them. I simply want an apology and I still haven't gotten one. I'm just really hurt and feel so misunderstood. My grandmother tells me not to make friends with people outside the religion but, it's like I have to and I'm eventually going to because, they just don't understand me and I find very fucking sad that people in my need shit broken down for them to get where I'm coming from. It sucks and I'm eventually going to disappear and walk off, hopefully they'll think to themselves at least that I'm dead or something. In all actuality I'll be alive though because, I'm trying to keep my positivity. I'M TRYING. And yes, I get everyone has their problems and I'm not saying mine are bigger but, I just want a fucking apology, something that could've been given to me long ago but, I've been denied of it.

I still think about this

And i didn't notice until I was texting my partner that it's never 'me' or 'I' but 'we' whenever i referred to myself.

all eldest children are obligated to leave their hometowns as early as possible lest they succumb to the various generational curses

Can't believe I was made the pan ace, atheistic witch eldest daughter in a strict Indian Christian family, yes they're queerphobic and islamophobic, and obviously thinks witchcraft is blasphemy. I'm so sorry, we'll get through it.

Cant believe i was made the bisexual, Non-binary, communist eldest daughter in a conservative, right winged Indian Hindu family thats extremely homophobic and islamophobic... what crimes am i paying for!??

i don’t want to be a biological parent. whenever someone goes ‘oh, your kids will be so cute’, ‘i can’t wait for you to finally have children of your own’, my blood actually starts to boil with anger and despise. i can’t stand when baby starts to cry in the public and think that they are awfuly anoying. but if some kid, on the internet, in school etc. are a “baby gay”, will say that their parents are awful, not carying and/or that they see me as an elder sibling/parental figure cause of it or just because, i will adopt them. oh, you don’t have good relationship with your parents or you don’t have some parent at all, guess what, you are my child now. i will take care of you. sorry, but i don’t make rules. and i don’t know if it’s the “eldest daughter” complex or queerness in me, but this one trope, the found family, you will have to pry open from my dead hands.

me at found family trope:

My husband and I developed a theory so please play along and tell me where you are in birth order (oldest, middle, youngest, only) and if you think having siblings is overall a positive or negative thing.

This is very True.

eldest daughter remain being the emotional punching bags

Why does my dad think he can be more affectionate now that I'm older when he practically made me this way?

Maybe I wouldn't have so many problems with accepting affection If he had figure his shit out when I needed him.

I can't talk right now, I'm doing eldest daughter shit.

*raising my brother while simultaneously not getting involved too much or else I'm going to get yelled at*

*calling my dad out on his shit*

*being a third parent*

*teaching my brother and cousin English because no one else in my family can and I apparently sound like I'm British even though I'm literally not*

*constantly burned out*

*being my mum's therapist*

*being my friend's therapist*

*being an exact replica of my dad*

*giving more affection to my brother than anyone else because I don't want him to end up like me*

*being unable to express verbal affection*

*found family is one of my favourite tropes*

*wanting to move out for college but being too scared to leave my brother alone*

It is a wonderful day to remember that one time I went on a date with this super cute boy and halfway through, I see one of my brother's friends climb up something and I went all "eldest daughter" on him like full on

"get down. You're going to get hurt and it's not going to be my fault. Seriously, get down immediately. "

And I thought the eldest daughter thing didn't have long lasting consequences on my personality.

Not me sitting at the dinner table listening to my mum berate my brother's professor's for the same things my professors did to me at that age, the only difference being that I came sobbing to her and she didn't say anything.

Random conversation I'm sure I would have or will have at some point.

- hey Gracie, how are you? Anything new happened?

- oh you know, just the usual watching my dad give my brother a fucking EATING DISORDER. Then I had a good cry because I confronted him about it and I don't do well with confrontation. Nothing out of the ordinary.

- *👁️👄👁️* are you still seeing that therapist?

My dad literally won't look at me because he thinks I undermined his authority when he was about to give my brother an eating disorder.

Thanks a lot dad.

To all the unhealed parts of me:

Why can't you forgive yourself ?

What is it that you need to satisfy this hunger?

What is it that you crave so much that you can never find peace?

Being my mother's daughter is like "I love you despite you tell me I'll never be a good mother. I love you despite you telling me you won't mourn me a day if I killed myself. I love you despite you saying I've already ruined my life. I love you even though you never stopped mocking me for my height. I love you even though my arms have wounds your words created. I love you even though you make me cry on my birthdays. I love you even though

the “eldest daughter” shit got too weird and too deep but to be honest there is a specific experience to being the oldest sibling and raised a girl. being used as an in-house nanny and the guinea pig for various disciplinary techniques, being an afterthought and being made to either toughen up fast or wallow in how little people seem to give a shit about you. mom leans on you for support constantly, dad treats you like an adult from 13 yrs old onward, siblings come to you for advice they can’t bring to mom. it’s so fucking tiring being treated like a third, more stable parent when you never got to be a kid

I’m not typically a poetry fan, but her stuff just resonates with me...

By Jane Bowden