Mentally Unwell - Tumblr Posts

I'M NOT OKAY

I love it when my parents are listing what is wrong with me and why they are socially unacceptable but those are my adhd and autistic traits

My grandfather was up past midnight last night, crying and praying, because we finally told him I’m most likely going to be diagnosed with schizophrenia this coming week, then told him everything I’ve been going through for the last 2 years. He was asking the Lord to heal me, to show him how he can help me, and to give my mother the strength to take care of me and be my advocate.

We were hoping it would simply relate to my migraines or long-COVID. I’ve had more scans and tests done trying to find something that has developed, but everything has came back negative. My mother still thinks it could be the multitude of neurological medicines I’ve went through since the last few months of 2021. Not that we can rule that out or not. My doctor that’s part of a post-COVID network hasn’t seen these side effects or symptoms in anyone else, so they don’t think it’s COVID. Apparently I’m just reaching the age that these issues show up. They did say that it’s possible COVID sped up the timeline of the symptoms, and that’s why it’s gotten so much worse in such a small time, but can’t say for sure.

So yeah.

The thing with having had mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts as a teen is that nothing feels permanent or real and in turn you never emotionally bond with something. Then, as you grow older - which you never thought you would - you are nearly incabable of forming lasting relationships. You cannot be bothered to put in the effort because "it won't last" and eventually you isolate yourself and push people away. Ending up lonely and hating people for leaving but hating yourself even more for pushing them away.

Feeling Unwell

I do not believe I am well. Although, I don't believe I'm quite entirely unwell. Then again, it is said that the insane are unaware of their own insanity and that their frail grip on what they deem as sanity is, in fact, a self imposed lie. My reasoning behind my assumption is that simply, I am not feeling as up-to-standard as I once had. I lay on my bed or couch, nearly unable to move or even get up to feed myself. Not because I deem it unnecessary but simply because I find myself incapable of taking those steps to sit up, lay my feet on the floor, stand, and complete the desired task. I find myself indulging in a strange behavior. I crawl into the space underneath my bed, curl into the darkness, and weep. I do it because I have deemed that space, a place I cannot see my own flaws and the outside world can neither hear or be heard by me, as something akin to safety. Or perhaps it is just a hiding place; similar to how as children, we used to hide under the covers searching for that familiar darkness. I have also found myself weeping in my car, bathrooms, and anywhere I seem to be alone. I've even almost began to weep mid-conversation, and not for any easily discernible reason. It just feels like I have a deep, growing sadness, similar to a sickness. I fear the day I move on from hiding under my bed like a child frightened of the world above, and go wearily into death's unwelcoming embrace.

I do not know what help I should ask for or even if the help I am receiving is nothing but a bandaid designed to shield the wound rather than heal it. Although, I notice now, I am still taking the effort that feels nearly impossible at some moments. I sat up, put my feet on the floor, stood, and went to work. Then, after a disappointing shower, I laid on the couch watching a show with my father, trying not to weep as I did earlier today. After being inspired by the pangs of hunger, and being shortly dismayed by my seemingly newfound and temporary inability to rise, I stood and made a disappointing microwavable dinner. I write this while neglecting that half eaten dinner, but I timidly congratulate myself for even bothering to get up, go to work, take a shower, and make myself a low effort meal. Despite my feeling unwell, I do know that I have at least a few more moments before I give up completely. I do not know the cause of my sadness, I just know it is there once more, and I wish to remove it like the tumour it is making itself out to be.

I'M NOT OKAY

I legit have a playlist with ONLY these two artists-

Let's talk SH

Content Warning. Major Discussions of S*lf H*rm mostly the context of alternatives (descriptions kept to a minimum). Please be mindful of your own triggers, and read at your own pace, look after yourselves, that kind of thing. Please. 💜

Many of my councillors, therapists, and psychologists have told me to 'just do it in red pen' instead of doing it with a blade, this is a great idea. If and only if, you have broken the original desire for pain. We really want to be finding options that distract our brains rather than giving them time to ruminate.

So let's jump right into some of our most effective alternative options.

(Please be aware, we do not condone starting to SH if you can avoid it, there are better options. This list is intended for those of us who already have issues with SH)

If you're struggling, please reach out.

Global Suicide Hotlines: https://faq.whatsapp.com/1417269125743673

https://www.depression.org.nz/

distraction based solutions

Make a playlist. Jump into Spotify, Apple Music, YT music, burn a CD, just Collect Music That Fits Your Feelings in the moment.

Crack open that recorder you haven't touched since your first year of school, bang on the pots and pans... make a racket, scream to the heavens.

I mean in this in 100% seriousness: if you have a video game that you like, play it. No ones care if you're playing Roblox, blowing up TNT in Minecraft (extremely satisfying), stealing cars in GTA, whacking up a storm in Wii Sports Resort Swordfighting, playing Fireboy & Watergirl on CoolMathGames, solving puzzles in the Legend of Zelda, do the wordle, code something on Scratch, or playing some random game you installed yesterday; get your brain busy and get it occupied. Especially if you can beat up on something (mass murdering bokoblins in LoZ AoC, anyone?)

Play with the ✨bored button✨ https://www.boredbutton.com/

Video games not your thing? How about Sodoku? Solitaire? Word find?

Read a book

Call or text a friend. Easier said than done, especially if you feel like you're burdening them, but this can really help. You don't even have to talk to them about what you're going through. Ring up your local autistic or ADHD friend; ask them about their current hyperfixation, by the time they're done, there's a good chance you'll have forgotten everything.

Find a new research topic. Open Wikipedia to a random page (just type "Special:Random" in the general search box or click that link), spend the next several hours learning about it and following all the hyperlinks.

Get your body moving, YouTube workouts can be great for this if you're confined.

some kind of pain w/o pain

Make a character. Write about them. Hurt them. Put them through hell and back again. Write someone else's pain. Even if your character is hurting themselves, it's better than hurting you. Even if it's absolutely terrible writing. We're not looking for the next best-selling novel here (most likely no one else will even see it), we're only looking for someway for you to externalise your hurt.

Find a book or fan fiction. There are plenty of books out there with scenes where someone's in pain. Alternatively, jump onto A03, find a fandom you like, pop 's*lf h*rm' into the tags, most fandoms there's at least one. (Please be mindful of trigger warnings here and whether seeing characters in pain makes it worse).

Write out every single reason you want to hurt yourself on your skin. Leave it until the urge dies down. Wash it off.

Run a blunt object over your hands. I find thumb stones super helpful. Fidget with a fidget toy, keep your hands busy.

If you can sing, sing. Scream in the shower.

Paint, draw, colour. Scribble everywhere. D r a w. Draw an arm, and draw yourself bleeding if it helps.

Write terrible poetry. This is the main thing that's helped me.

pain without injury (not ideal)

rubber band around your wrist, snap it a lot.

suck on an ice cube

eat something super sour (or super spicy!)

run something pointed (not sharp) against your skin

draw on yourself with henna, or make up

speaking of, SFX wounds made of makeup? amazing.

have a very hot, or absolutely freezing shower

If you're up to figuring out why you want to hurt, sometimes this can help too. And ofc, I always suggest journalling out your thoughts.

And here's a website with some more

https://projectlets.org/alternatives-to-selfharm

Please add your own suggestions in the comments! I'd love to hear what helps

Genuinely, the main goal here is to keep your body unhurt in someway. Stay safe out there <3

We needed somewhere to collect viable self harm alternatives because yk, mental illness is as mental illness does.

hardware vs software: mental disorder edition

I was trying to explain the difference between AuDHD and OSDD's source to an acquaintance the other week, found the note I wrote in my google keep, and thought it might be worth sharing.

I hope I have come up with a good way of explaining. I'm open to kind criticism.

Hardware: Neurodevelopmental disorders

Hardware cannot be changed. The brain is wired like that. Hardware includes ASD, ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, intellectual disability, some kinds of visual and hearing imparements.

It's like when you buy a laptop, it comes with a set of keys, screen, RAM etc, you can't really change it (you can if you force it but for now, think that you can't. Be like Apple, you get what you get!). Everyone has hardware, but it'll look different. Think, an autistic keyboard has a different set of keys to a neurotypical keyboard.

Software: things that develop out of trauma or stress

Software can be changed beyond the original purchase of hardware. It can be installed and added. However, unlike software, most disorders can't be uninstalled (but they can be improved with time and therapy).

Disassociative disorders (DID, OSDD, DPDR etc) install to manage trauma. Depression, PTSD and anxiety is software.. or even a bug... or... virus? is it a virus???

Some software is more likely to install on specific hardware types.

I also had a thought that communicating between neurodivergent people and neurotypicals as like trying to communicate apple with android, it doesn't always work perfectly, though often gets the point across, however sometimes it completely misses the mark??

getting into thai bl has been:

-watches the eclipse-

major firstkhao brainrot

-watches kinnporsche-

vegaspete intermission

-watches only friends-

back to firstkhao brainrot

Jealousy

"It's going to be ok"

Said one to herself, is it really going to be ok, or is it just mere sentence that creates her dream expectation.

Jealousy,

Penetrated and stuck inside her heart.

Every skin she teared with her nails

Every tears that made her face pale

Oh how jealousy really turned her.

-------------------------------------------------

No it's not the jealousy everyone had in mind

A jealousy that craves a love from one

No it's not one as her one true love

Yet the womb where she came out from.

-------------------------------------------------

How did this jealousy even come from

She asked herself every day every second

Thus no answer had flew within her mind

Does she really lack the sugar to her tea

-------------------------------------------------- Oh how she prays to the One above

Tough ground she's trying to stay on

Whether she wants to carry on or stop

All because her one dear, jealousy.

Sewing Lessons

Today, the clasp to my skirt broke.

For the first time in years,

I had to relearn how to sew.

Mother didn’t want to teach me

even though her hands were not yet trembling

Something in me guessed that it was

the same excuse she used for cooking.

The last time I weaved a thread through the needle

was 4 years ago in that 4-lesson class.

The teacher by my side gave me a scandalous look

as I followed all the wrong steps,

even with her guidance and advice.

I was never cut out with the virtue of patience;

just shitty poetry, and dumb writings.

Searching YouTube did not help;

nor did my mother become any more willing to teach.

My father was out somewhere in the world again

and my sibling was worse off than me.

Frustrated, I could only think of

the basic knot, needle and thread,

pushing through thick fabric

hoping I’d get it right.

A month ago, I was faced with a challenge.

Today, the clasp to my skirt broke again.

I know my mother can sew,

because I’ve seen her many knots in my dress.

But maybe, that’s just my amateur hands

poked with needle holes and a hope that

one day, it won’t be a month

before the thread snaps and breaks again.

I just wish I wasn’t this useless

because all the girls know how to make it stick.

But every single month I get

the irritating clasp that breaks.

They can boast and brag about their achievements

While I sit in the shadows

because they can do all of the things

that I cannot handle to achieve

at the level they do.

My mother asked me why I love YouTube.

maybe it’s ‘cause unlike what she should do

I learn how to sew and put on foundation there,

even though I’m laughed at and ridiculed.

its the shittiest application those girls’ve seen

but god damn it, at least someone could teach

them all these things;

I still don’t know how to cook more than 3 things

yet somehow I have to worry about skincare

and lipstick and makeup, and

some days I want to curl up and disappear

some days I accept I’ll never look prettier

and some days I will try to be there and better.

But god damn it,

will someone give me sewing lessons,

so I can learn so much better?

so poetic

and for what?

I going to be think about this for a whole week.

shit

The Kiss of Life - A utility worker giving mouth-to-mouth to co-worker after he contacted a low voltage wire, 1967