Feeling Unwell
Feeling Unwell
I do not believe I am well. Although, I don't believe I'm quite entirely unwell. Then again, it is said that the insane are unaware of their own insanity and that their frail grip on what they deem as sanity is, in fact, a self imposed lie. My reasoning behind my assumption is that simply, I am not feeling as up-to-standard as I once had. I lay on my bed or couch, nearly unable to move or even get up to feed myself. Not because I deem it unnecessary but simply because I find myself incapable of taking those steps to sit up, lay my feet on the floor, stand, and complete the desired task. I find myself indulging in a strange behavior. I crawl into the space underneath my bed, curl into the darkness, and weep. I do it because I have deemed that space, a place I cannot see my own flaws and the outside world can neither hear or be heard by me, as something akin to safety. Or perhaps it is just a hiding place; similar to how as children, we used to hide under the covers searching for that familiar darkness. I have also found myself weeping in my car, bathrooms, and anywhere I seem to be alone. I've even almost began to weep mid-conversation, and not for any easily discernible reason. It just feels like I have a deep, growing sadness, similar to a sickness. I fear the day I move on from hiding under my bed like a child frightened of the world above, and go wearily into death's unwelcoming embrace.
I do not know what help I should ask for or even if the help I am receiving is nothing but a bandaid designed to shield the wound rather than heal it. Although, I notice now, I am still taking the effort that feels nearly impossible at some moments. I sat up, put my feet on the floor, stood, and went to work. Then, after a disappointing shower, I laid on the couch watching a show with my father, trying not to weep as I did earlier today. After being inspired by the pangs of hunger, and being shortly dismayed by my seemingly newfound and temporary inability to rise, I stood and made a disappointing microwavable dinner. I write this while neglecting that half eaten dinner, but I timidly congratulate myself for even bothering to get up, go to work, take a shower, and make myself a low effort meal. Despite my feeling unwell, I do know that I have at least a few more moments before I give up completely. I do not know the cause of my sadness, I just know it is there once more, and I wish to remove it like the tumour it is making itself out to be.
More Posts from Apottovan
Isn’t it Amazing?
Isn’t it amazing, That after four whole years, I still light up when I see you?
Isn’t it amazing, That even when the day is at the worst it can be, You still make it the best one yet?
Isn’t it amazing, After almost half a decade, We’ve never had anything to fight about?
After four whole years, Five if you count before that forgotten date, That one I think we said was in May,
I still cross that bridge, Walk down those stairs, And light up like the stars you compared me to.
When we sit, And you eat the same lunch and I swallow the same nothing, I still surround myself in every word you say.
My face still hurts from smiling so hard, My brain is still smothered by every thought of you, My skin aches for another feeling of you.
When we walk our separate ways for the day, I still reach out my hand for you, And regret ever letting you go.
I still want to hold you forever, I still want to laugh over dumb little things, I still want to see you, day after day.
Isn’t that amazing? (This poem is talking about a different person than the two posted before it just so you know.)
Yo, weird change of pace
All my witch buds out there, make yourself some freakin' lemon and salt water. It is good for nearly every protection and warding thing out there.
3 parts lemon juice
1 part salt
1 part water
Get one of them egg brush things, put in doorways, put it on windowsills, put in on mirrors, fridges, ovens, microwaves, literally anything (not plants though, not too much a fan of the salt). Soak things in it (wooden things are great for it!), bless your jewelry with it (make sure they can handle the acidity first though), clean your freaking floors with it! It's all purpose, baby!
Can you even deal? 'Cause I cant!
As soon as I get ahold of you, I'll cry and I'll beg you to never let go of me again.
Here I go, falling into you again.