Higher Self - Tumblr Posts - Page 2

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Lately I’ve been feeling a sense of peace within myself. It’s really nice but I can’t help but wonder when it will go away and I’ll be back to the me as I’ve always known myself: melancholy, aloof, insecure, anxious…

But what if it stays?

Been trying this new thing where I trust my intuition (my greater She) in how I behave, the decisions I make, the things I say. I’m starting to trust in myself to choose the right thing over what’s easy or simply status quo.

I have faith that if one door closes, a window will open. Because it always does.

While I don’t have it all figured out yet, not even close, I’m trying to relish each present moment - the joy of figuring it out.

Happiness is a choice, it’s a mentality.

Not to downplay my own struggles or past regrets/mistakes - but I have a lot to be proud of. I’m not perfect by any means but that is okay too. Because I continue to try, be open minded, stay unassuming, learn and challenge myself. I don’t give up on myself.

Even if I think I am, I’m not. Because I’m still here and I’m still taking on the next day.

Does this mean I’m a good person? Or does this mean I am just human, with all the complexities.

A big thing I noticed is that black or white thinking. I’ve had a hard time forgiving myself for anything really….because it didn’t jive with me “being a good person” or “being worthy”. I couldn’t be one without the other.

But then I’d forgive others in a heartbeat. Second chances? More like 3, 4, to infinity. Because I believe in the power of people changing. I’ve been trying to view myself as how I’d view someone else. I’m much kinder to others than I am to me.

Like I have it all ass backwards haha.

Now I realize that I have to cheer myself on. No one else will do it for me. And if I don’t, I’ll never get anywhere because I’ll always be too scared.

So if anyone is reading this, do what you need to let it all go. The expectations of what “should be”or how you “should be”. Scream in the car, delete that person from your friend list, go on a road trip by yourself, write affirmations on sticky notes and post them everywhere, cry your heart out, listen to your favorite song on repeat, throw yourself into your favorite hobby or start a new one, write all your worries on a piece of paper and burn it, break some shit then break some more shit, journal all your feelings on a random tumblr blog (haha), do something that scares you, make conversation with a stranger….I don’t know - just do something! Anything.

If it doesn’t work, do it again. And again. And again. Until it does.

Don’t worry if you look stupid or silly or uncool doing it. Do it for you. Forgive yourself for it all. You were and still are doing the best you could.

And don’t laugh at me when I say that because I used to make fun of all the people on social media who would say “X and X” solved all my problems and now I’m just this happy little leprechaun finding rainbows and gold everywhere. It’s not that simple but it also is.

Way easier said than done am I right *rolls eyes*

Know that you don’t have to have all the answers and you sure as hell don’t need to be perfect.

You are the one who writes your story so you get to decide who the main character is. Who you are. Who do you want to be?

As I’ve been healing, slowly but surely, people have fallen off. It really sucks to lose people. But the right ones have stayed & our relationships are so much sweeter and truer.

As I’ve accepted what I can do and what I can’t do, it’s been so freeing to feel like I’m not disappointing the world.

One day it will work. And then life will feel like magic.

Because lately, the thought that crosses my mind is: this is what it was meant to feel like all along.

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I’m really proud of myself lately.

have not called in sick to work because of depression - haven’t needed to! It is SO nice to have a job that doesn’t make me die inside a little every day and fill me with dread.

gotten up every morning and taken my dog out

been trying some “biohacking” for my energy levels - Vitamin D, B12, waiting before screen time in the AM, light exposure & cold exposure. Maybe some of it is total bologna but hey, at least I’m problem solving

on that note, feeling motivated to try new things and take care of myself

was sick but I made myself rest & didn’t beat myself up about a “lack of productivity”

haven’t been bingeing on sugar (except last night because it was vday, sue me)

have been drinking water

have NOT been drinking alcohol! yay me, day 11 round 2.

have been going to bed consistently at 10pm

have been able to talk myself out of negative ruminating thoughts

I haven’t been taking my ADHD meds and I have significantly less anxiety. Though I am back to my wee little space cadet ways. But I’ll take the absentmindedness over the constantly worrying or tightness in my chest.

However, still taking my ssri & it really does make a world of difference for me

I have health insurance! And a consistent paycheck!!!

have caught up & made things right with a good friend

am applying to esthetician school!!

can i just say my skin has been GIVING lately. I am feelin’ myself.

it’s not that serious, seriously

also not shopping impulsively - like actually being frugal….me? Ok but yesterday I did find a cute top at aritzia on MEGA sale. Rules are bendy, don’t tell my husand

eating my veggies like the good little rabbit I am

have been getting ready every day

can actually visualize my future/long term goals (well a year out)

actually using my planner again

excited to hit some goals??? WHO AM I

content with who I am & trusting in how I show up

slooowwwly, but surely - releasing expectation of perfection from myself.

slooowwwly, but surely - accepting, forgiving and embracing every part of me

love my human & my dog & my people

2024 is my year or at least I’m determined to make it so because I am tired of being sad and disappointed and depressed and unconfident scared and melancholy and apathetic.

I want a life that brings me joy so this is the year I finally achieve that.

I believe I can! Each day, a little better & brighter :)

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The past two months have felt like a blur, stuck in a vicious cycle of relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery, and so on.

It’s been really fucking tough. I’ve felt like a zombie. Sometimes it feels like this is all life is, a weary merry-go-round until we die.

But after falling down 800 times and still getting back up on that 801st try - I’m in a much better place.

And I’m not beating myself up about it. Shit happens, we fall down. Sometimes we fall down and stay down because we’re so fucking tired of having to get back up.

I watched a looootttt of movies with happy endings as a kid. I did a lot of things alone and I never really noticed how much that influenced my way of thinking and my approach to life. I guess that’s where I started to believe that I had to live two lives. Because who I really am - my family didn’t like. As a woman of color, of immigrant parents, and growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood - I never felt like I found my place. I didn’t belong at home and I definitely didn’t belong in the outside world.

So we take that first drink or the first hit to forget we feel that way inside. And we keep drinking and using to keep forgetting.

And it’s where I started to believe that one day everything will magically work out so I just have to keep holding on to be saved.

I’ve spent so much time ignoring my body that trying to be present in it now, as an adult, makes me feel like a fearful little kid. Anxiety feels scary because I never learned how to manage it.

Ignore all the problems until you’re almost 30 and have a bunch of substance abuse issues and no one to turn to because you can’t trust the people who were supposed to care for you.

I’m just so damn tired of caring. Caring what people think - am I being nice and kind and do they feel heard and god forbid any one ever thinks I have ill intentions….

So yeah, my attitude lately is to block out the noise & do whatever I want to do. Whatever I know is truly good for my soul.

So I started a weaving again and have made some yummy food and am getting in a lot of snuggles with my dog. Also I listen to new music and take in the sunset. I take a long bath and put on my expensive lotion that’s saved for a special occasion because every day is a special occasion now that I am CHOOSING to be alive.

I realized I like having little projects. So I’ve been assigning myself shit to try because I’m interested in it. And that’s enough of a reason for me.

Isn’t the whole point of life to experience? And when you boil it down to that core, what really separates us from each other if we are all in it for the experience?

Am I sounding crazy?? Because I‘be never felt more enlightened and grounded in my sense of things.

Holy shit, it all makes sense now.

Or maybe this is all just one psychotic episode waiting to break loose. Lol. Hopefully not.

I’ve decided I don’t need some big overarching life goal - that I’m totally fine with going with the flow. I don’t need to have all the answers. In fact, forcing myself to think that way has actually cemented this “not good enough” belief.

Because when I think back as a kid and getting lost in the present - I was happy. I used to get lost in entertaining myself for hours. And the world (or my world) told me that was wrong. I wasn’t doing it correctly.

But I’m fine the way I am. You know? Like imagine if we could roll the tape back to before we ever started to hate ourselves or constantly try to “fix” our lives - how did we approach the world before everything was clouded by this inherent sense of “not good enough”.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that people don’t automatically think and know the worst parts of me and judge me by it.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that nobody really is that bothered by me. I’m feeling okay taking up my little space in the world.

I’m ready to care for that little girl who has felt so scared and uncomfortable all these years.

In some ways, I’ve never felt more free.

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What a day this has turned into. I found out a coworker that was let go last week may have blabbed about my drinking problem - likely to shift the spotlight.

I understand but I really don’t. I wouldn’t do that to another person.

I don’t want my substance abuse issues to ruin yet another thing in my life. I’m really trying not to let it.

You know? I am doing my best. Sometimes my best means more one day and less on another. Sometimes my best means doing it half assed instead of avoiding it.

I’m not perfect and I am horribly inconsistent in everything I do but I still try. I acknowledge my vulnerabilities and embrace my strengths.

As an addict, there’s a stigma associated with it. Once people know, I fear that’s all they see.

It’s all I’ve seen for a long, long time.

I have come far and I continue to learn.

I know that 99% of the time, people’s actions & behaviors have more to do with themselves than with me. The way they behave is as a result of their thought patterns and beliefs. It’s hard not to take it personally. Especially as an insecure only child - surprise!! It really had nothing to do with me all along.

I feel invalidated. Someone else is using my vulnerability and pain to hide theirs. How twisted huh.

It’s almost like that voice in my head, the one that says “you are a piece of shit, you’ll never amount to anything worthy and you’ll always struggle” - she got a little louder after being quiet for a while. Ugh.

Tomorrow will be a good day, I know it. Day over day it’s hard to see the evolution but I look back to a year ago and ….. definitely not where I want to be BUT I think I might actually like myself now?

If I say love, I’m afraid I’ll jinx it.

So we are making moves and improving and when people try to take us out, we say NOT TODAY SATAN!!!!

Cheers lol

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The anxiety built up. I kept sitting there in a daze, unable to concentrate & subconsciously holding in my breath (as if to block out pain).

Then I gasp and come to. Idk a weird fugue state.

I’m such a talker and yet when it comes to describing what I feel or why….I often find myself speechless. Riddle me that lol.

So I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. Had to force the tears at first but then it was like a dam breaking loose.

Then my husband held me and soothed me and he really is the best.

Ok see, I just have to remember that I am loved and seen and cherished - so it’s not the end of the world!

It felt so cathartic to cry. To really sob. And poof, it feels a little less scary now. You know, life.

One day at a time. Each day a little better and brighter.

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I feel stuck, between who I used to be and who I want to be.

It’s funny, I thought that I was better than the substance - I didn’t think I would get addicted in complete honesty. I thought I had full control.

I did. At first.. But somewhere along the ride, it was easier to jump in the passenger seat and let things unfold.

I feel very alone in my struggle. In the sense that it’s like I’m slowly waking up to my life as it has become in the last few years of full blown mindless addiction.

Addiction is lonely, but it’ll trick you into thinking you have all the friends in the world.

People don’t wait around for you to fix all your problems and finally start realizing your potential. They’ve got lives to live and shit to do!

The ones that do wait around, hold them so so close.

I’ve got a few irrational and unhelpful ruminating thoughts in my head. I’m actually trying to tell them “no”. It feels stupid, but in my head I literally have to go “This is not productive. I need more evidence for this thought. I will just worry about tangible problems in front of me and not be anxious until I need to be”

You know how lame I feel doing that? I just want to roll my eyes at myself. *rolls eyes*

But it’s also working. LIKE I AM DOING IT PEOPLE, I am rewiring the brain!! You’re seeing it live! Grab some popcorn and enjoy the show because I am about to evolve into someone really fucking great!!!

Feeling like I’m failing at everything or that I’m delusional or that I am going about this (life) all wrong. Worried constantly about what others think about me. Trying to be ~zen~ and trust in what I am doing.

Holding space for these feelings and carrying them with me while still living my life. Embracing that I won’t feel this way forever and that it’s normal to go through periods of doubt & insecurity.

What a concept!!!

Friendly reminder to myself - if you are spending all this time worrying about your life & yourself, imagine that everyone is probably doing the same about their lives and selves. They don’t have time to be thinking about that cringe comment I made!

An affirmation for me lately: I welcome however my life unfolds because I trust in my ability to be resilient, kind, and persevere.

Not everyone is going to like me and that’s okay too!!!! I am not less than!

Here’s a thought.. Maybe they’re the asshole?

Blah blah BLAH BLAH.

Each day is a new day. Some days are better and brighter. Some days, not so much. But each day is just one little piece of it all. And I want to live these days. At least for a little longer.

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Feels like I’m losing my mind every other day.

Questioning my sense of reality more often than I ever have. Am I crazy?

I’m exhausted.