Sobriety - Tumblr Posts

41 -

Made myself go to a hot yoga class & it was HOT. I think I died and was reborn in that class lol. I used to do hot yoga consistently but have fallen out of it over the last 2 years (read: alcoholism, depression, drug addiction).

I’m all for finding what works for you and hot yoga is my thing. There’s something about dripping in sweat & heart pounding…but focused on the breath. The breath really is everything. I find a surreal peace in my mind. I can tune out my mind and the world and just stay focused on my breath. The here and now. It’s so much easier to focus on my breath when I’m on the brink of death (lol) in a class than it is in real life. Yoga has taught me so much about body awareness and how much of an impact our breathing has on our nervous systems.

I read this quote: the true measure of success is a calm nervous system. SO TRUE. As a self proclaimed ADHD poster child who “lives life on overdrive” (again, my therapist) — all I ever want is to feel calm.

Honestly, most of the time you could describe me as a wind up toy that just goes and goes and goes and goes, the song gets distorted and it starts to move all wonky, and then it crashes.

Anyway the class was what I needed. A sign. I needed to return to myself a little bit.

Started my day off with a super nutritious breakfast. I always feel like if my breakfast is solid then it sets the tone for the rest of the day. Like if I’m eating candy for breakfast, then I know my ass is going to be a lazy blob or a hot mess for the day lol

I also made myself get ready today, go on a long walk with my dog (she was the goodest girl) AND even sat down to look for jobs instead of putting it off like I have for months….go me!

Procrastination? We don’t know her!!!

My therapist suggested I write a response to a situation that has been weighing on my mental space for months. I did it & it felt very cathartic. Like the last piece of the puzzle so I can let. that. shit. go. Someone give my therapist a raise!! Jk don’t because I’m broke and can barely afford her.

(side bar: very very very thankful and privileged to not have to work during these early months of sobriety)

Going to bed with a serene feeling in my heart & my body. All I can ask for.

42 -

Crashed and burned. Stuck in a relapse but I don’t care. About anything really. No god, no magical She guiding me. Just me. Not giving a fuck.

I haven’t drank….yet. But drugs, yes. It’s so nice to turn off my brain. I actually like the fishbowl, disassociated feeling. I can live in the world and be apart of it, but still keep it at a distance.

I care so much about everything that it hurts.

“What would you attempt to do if you could not fail?” Live. Try.

I’m having a really hard time remembering the point to life or finding any reason to pull myself out of this.

You see, nothing matters in the end. Everything that we let define us, that we let dictate our lives - these are all just ideas someone else came up with. None of it matters in the end. We all die alone.

So like, why bother? I don’t want to achieve anything big or momentous, I don’t want power or status or money or anything. I just want to find a good reason to stay alive, to find joy and not let the weight of everything ruin it.

When I get like this, it’s hard to remember ever being happy. It’s hard to feel like I can have it all. Like I can believe and actually manage my feelings without any sort of substance.

It’s hard to explain.

I just felt like I was going to EXPLODE. And I guess I am exploding. Into a thousand little pieces.

43 -

I think I’ll try to come out of this relapse now.

44 -

I started smoking weed because I couldn’t handle my alcohol (read: it made me into an asshole, among ruining my life & other things). And I didn’t have access to other things.

I stopped hanging out with friends because I was embarrassed of my using. Because I like to go go go until I’m basically comatose. Because for me, using & drinking - it’s not about the fun anymore. It’s about getting my mind to shut up, it’s about feeling calm in my chest. As my therapist says “you live life on overdrive, huh?” haha. Blame the ADHD and traumatic childhood.

It’s really depressing to read that and realize I’m talking about myself.

I guess I’ve always been like that. Whether it’s opiates, amphetamines, cocaine, ecstasy, alcohol, weed, anything really… whatever and how much ever it takes to get me out of my head.

It’s always when I go too hard, when I dance the fine line between life and death, that I realize I want to live. So I live. But I don’t know why.

Anyway, some life updates:

I have not drank. Nope. Not a single sip. Can’t BELIEVE IT!!! 128 days. The real test is next week when I’m in Mexico for two weeks for my wedding.

We’re cutting off the weed. I’m trying to. It’s so so so hard. For what it’s worth, I have enjoyed my mindful evening walks with a joint in my hand.

I’ve been trying to remind myself why life is worth living. The sweetness and consistency in every day.

I got a job!! It’s part time & low stress.

Most of my depression circles around “what’s the point?” and “everything people want is just societal conditioning and I dislike people” …really light stuff.

It’s not that I dislike people if I’m being honest, it’s that I’m a really sensitive person, I don’t care that much about people’s actions, and I often take people literally. Sarcasm? We don’t know her very well LOL. Also I need a lot of alone time, like A LOT. People don’t always get that.

I’ve left shame, guilt, over apologizing, feeling insecure & caring what people think back in 2023.

So I fucked up and became a lil pothead again. It could have been worse. I think that it had to happen this way.

People make mistakes!!! No one is perfect!!! Let’s forgive others and ourselves!!! We’re doing the best we can!! It’s our first time being human!!!

SHE is trying to show me something.

Fall down seven times, stand up eight. More to come.

45 -

Warning: I got a lot to say (as usual).

I got married!! Again. Hehe, finally had our weekend we booked two years ago. It was absolutely stunning. But it was a lot. Can we normalize not wanting a big wedding or even a wedding at all? Can we normalize wedding anxiety? Can we normalize dreading big events?

Can everyone just understand that I had a difficult childhood so big intense emotions are terrifying for me and I usually use alcohol/drugs to tamp it down so I can still experience them, albeit distantly. Not excusing, just explaining.

Also - hello this shit is expensive! And we had a frugal wedding.

In the sense that, as a bride, I feel like I should be all sparkles in my eyes and over the moon and dancing on a rainbow - but really, it was my nightmare. My ADHD was in overdrive & the whole weekend felt like a blackout. Reading personal intimate vows in front of people? No thank you lol. Having all eyes on me? I’ll pass. Feeling immense pressure to have ONE perfect day? I’d rather crack.

But I did it anyway. I’m glad I did. And I did all the super emotionally intense parts, sober as a priest. Yay!

Some positives: I’m so lucky to have people who will travel just to celebrate with me. My mom made a speech…it was poetic & very sweet. She described me as “radiant, effervescent, and vivacious”. Like?????? :) I love a good vocabulary.

Umm my stepdad made a speech and he was a freaking VIBE. We haven’t always gotten along but he loves my mom fiercely & is so supportive of her. So I can’t really fault the guy, even if sometimes I’m just like *points to head* “wtf is going on up there?”. I also got some quality time with my extended family, whom I rarely see. They flew over two oceans and two continents just to be with me for this day! Like how amazing is that. :)

The whole night looked like something out of a fairytale with a bohemian theme and fairy lights. Turqoiuse waters & perfect white sand. It was dreamy and picturesque and beautiful.

On top of that, I have friends in all places - I’m not really a one group friend. So it’s a little unnerving to have everyone come together (Will they get along? Will there be drama? Will it be awkward? Will I be so focused on everyone else’s experience that I forget to enjoy my own? LOL but really)

But it was so so much better than I could have ever imagined. We all had a blast!

Speaking OF sobriety, yeah we broke that shit. I had my first alcoholic drink in almost 5 months. Now, those of the I bleed AA variety would freak out because yes, I relapsed. And omg haven’t I read the big book that says I can never ever ever have a drink again? What will Bill think? /s

But hear me out: I discussed my choice to drink with my therapist prior to actually doing it. I had a support system and a harm reduction plan in place. And, I’ve been doing a LOT of work in the last few months to identify, forgive, heal myself & limiting beliefs/negative thought patterns. Ya know, the ones that I used alcohol and drugs to cope with. I’m not anywhere close to where I’d like to be but I’m a hell of a lot farther away from who I used to be.

As my therapist put it: “It seems like this is a symbolic decision for you. Kind of like a “fuck you I am in charge of my life & I can make my own decisions and I don’t care what anyone else thinks”. She’s not wrong.

BUT BUT BUT here’s the best part! Yes I drank, however all it did was remind me of how shitty alcohol actually feels. I don’t miss the hangovers one bit. I enjoy feeling semi-stable in my emotional sense. I like feeling clear headed. Also drinking a lot makes you bloated and more susceptible to gaining extra weight. We want to be snatched always!!!!

I am going back to my life with no intention or desire to drink. No desperate wanting to escape. How freaking wild. Now what works for me may not work for anyone else - but again, sobriety & recovery are so unique to everyone. Everyone’s story starts from the same feelings, but recovery is not a one size fits all.

With all of that being said - I feel super good these days. Not in like a manic & overstimulated way, but a sort of quiet peace that comes with feeling like I am really loving myself for all that I have been, all that I am, and all that I will be.

I want to live my life & the idea of all the things I can do is exciting now. I no longer feel (constantly) like I’m drudging through the monotony of life. I know bad days will come. So will good days. Slowly but surely, I am creating new habits that take me further from my past and closer to the light of my future.

I came to the realization that who fucking cares? The world and the people in my life (though with the best of intentions) will tell me who they think I should be. Will tell me how to fit the mold. But I don’t care about fitting the mold anymore. I don’t want to apologize for having needs and existing. I have people who love all the little bits of me and have always loved them, despite my inner critic telling me I have to earn it.

I decide who I am.

I mean, there’s tons of awful fucking people in the world, who are still loved by someone. Like even Hitler had his main squeeze til the final breath. If that’s any consolation lol.

And just from a nerdy math perspective… statistically speaking, there are 8B+ people in the world. If 10 don’t like me or don’t get me, theres 10 more that do!

I trust my inner She to guide me to where I want to be and to attract the people that I need. These days I have faith.

Each day a little better and brighter.

47 -

Lately I’ve been feeling a sense of peace within myself. It’s really nice but I can’t help but wonder when it will go away and I’ll be back to the me as I’ve always known myself: melancholy, aloof, insecure, anxious…

But what if it stays?

Been trying this new thing where I trust my intuition (my greater She) in how I behave, the decisions I make, the things I say. I’m starting to trust in myself to choose the right thing over what’s easy or simply status quo.

I have faith that if one door closes, a window will open. Because it always does.

While I don’t have it all figured out yet, not even close, I’m trying to relish each present moment - the joy of figuring it out.

Happiness is a choice, it’s a mentality.

Not to downplay my own struggles or past regrets/mistakes - but I have a lot to be proud of. I’m not perfect by any means but that is okay too. Because I continue to try, be open minded, stay unassuming, learn and challenge myself. I don’t give up on myself.

Even if I think I am, I’m not. Because I’m still here and I’m still taking on the next day.

Does this mean I’m a good person? Or does this mean I am just human, with all the complexities.

A big thing I noticed is that black or white thinking. I’ve had a hard time forgiving myself for anything really….because it didn’t jive with me “being a good person” or “being worthy”. I couldn’t be one without the other.

But then I’d forgive others in a heartbeat. Second chances? More like 3, 4, to infinity. Because I believe in the power of people changing. I’ve been trying to view myself as how I’d view someone else. I’m much kinder to others than I am to me.

Like I have it all ass backwards haha.

Now I realize that I have to cheer myself on. No one else will do it for me. And if I don’t, I’ll never get anywhere because I’ll always be too scared.

So if anyone is reading this, do what you need to let it all go. The expectations of what “should be”or how you “should be”. Scream in the car, delete that person from your friend list, go on a road trip by yourself, write affirmations on sticky notes and post them everywhere, cry your heart out, listen to your favorite song on repeat, throw yourself into your favorite hobby or start a new one, write all your worries on a piece of paper and burn it, break some shit then break some more shit, journal all your feelings on a random tumblr blog (haha), do something that scares you, make conversation with a stranger….I don’t know - just do something! Anything.

If it doesn’t work, do it again. And again. And again. Until it does.

Don’t worry if you look stupid or silly or uncool doing it. Do it for you. Forgive yourself for it all. You were and still are doing the best you could.

And don’t laugh at me when I say that because I used to make fun of all the people on social media who would say “X and X” solved all my problems and now I’m just this happy little leprechaun finding rainbows and gold everywhere. It’s not that simple but it also is.

Way easier said than done am I right *rolls eyes*

Know that you don’t have to have all the answers and you sure as hell don’t need to be perfect.

You are the one who writes your story so you get to decide who the main character is. Who you are. Who do you want to be?

As I’ve been healing, slowly but surely, people have fallen off. It really sucks to lose people. But the right ones have stayed & our relationships are so much sweeter and truer.

As I’ve accepted what I can do and what I can’t do, it’s been so freeing to feel like I’m not disappointing the world.

One day it will work. And then life will feel like magic.

Because lately, the thought that crosses my mind is: this is what it was meant to feel like all along.

48 -

I’m really proud of myself lately.

have not called in sick to work because of depression - haven’t needed to! It is SO nice to have a job that doesn’t make me die inside a little every day and fill me with dread.

gotten up every morning and taken my dog out

been trying some “biohacking” for my energy levels - Vitamin D, B12, waiting before screen time in the AM, light exposure & cold exposure. Maybe some of it is total bologna but hey, at least I’m problem solving

on that note, feeling motivated to try new things and take care of myself

was sick but I made myself rest & didn’t beat myself up about a “lack of productivity”

haven’t been bingeing on sugar (except last night because it was vday, sue me)

have been drinking water

have NOT been drinking alcohol! yay me, day 11 round 2.

have been going to bed consistently at 10pm

have been able to talk myself out of negative ruminating thoughts

I haven’t been taking my ADHD meds and I have significantly less anxiety. Though I am back to my wee little space cadet ways. But I’ll take the absentmindedness over the constantly worrying or tightness in my chest.

However, still taking my ssri & it really does make a world of difference for me

I have health insurance! And a consistent paycheck!!!

have caught up & made things right with a good friend

am applying to esthetician school!!

can i just say my skin has been GIVING lately. I am feelin’ myself.

it’s not that serious, seriously

also not shopping impulsively - like actually being frugal….me? Ok but yesterday I did find a cute top at aritzia on MEGA sale. Rules are bendy, don’t tell my husand

eating my veggies like the good little rabbit I am

have been getting ready every day

can actually visualize my future/long term goals (well a year out)

actually using my planner again

excited to hit some goals??? WHO AM I

content with who I am & trusting in how I show up

slooowwwly, but surely - releasing expectation of perfection from myself.

slooowwwly, but surely - accepting, forgiving and embracing every part of me

love my human & my dog & my people

2024 is my year or at least I’m determined to make it so because I am tired of being sad and disappointed and depressed and unconfident scared and melancholy and apathetic.

I want a life that brings me joy so this is the year I finally achieve that.

I believe I can! Each day, a little better & brighter :)

50 -

And so we begin again. Day 1.

I don’t have much to say except I’m trying. When I don’t want to, when I don’t have faith - I’m still trying. Sometimes it takes me a little bit before I get back to that mindset.

But I give myself grace because each time I pick myself back up after falling down, I get a little farther before I stumble again. And maybe one day, I won’t stumble at all.

Back to the basics this week.

51 -

It has been day 1 for me again for going on….a week. I’m stuck. Every night I think to myself: okay tomorrow, going to wake up and reset. And maybe the first 5 minutes I do feel that way but then I’m not sure what happens? Head gets cloudy and I go back to the same old alcoholic routine,

I’m still trying.

Also refusing to feel sorry for myself, I will not wallow. I know this had to happen - relapses happen! I’m imperfect. What’s important is that I get back on the horse.

Ok so I will do that….maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have a day off and am feeling like I need to go a meeting even if it’s the only thing I do.

All I have to say.

52 -

The past two months have felt like a blur, stuck in a vicious cycle of relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery, and so on.

It’s been really fucking tough. I’ve felt like a zombie. Sometimes it feels like this is all life is, a weary merry-go-round until we die.

But after falling down 800 times and still getting back up on that 801st try - I’m in a much better place.

And I’m not beating myself up about it. Shit happens, we fall down. Sometimes we fall down and stay down because we’re so fucking tired of having to get back up.

I watched a looootttt of movies with happy endings as a kid. I did a lot of things alone and I never really noticed how much that influenced my way of thinking and my approach to life. I guess that’s where I started to believe that I had to live two lives. Because who I really am - my family didn’t like. As a woman of color, of immigrant parents, and growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood - I never felt like I found my place. I didn’t belong at home and I definitely didn’t belong in the outside world.

So we take that first drink or the first hit to forget we feel that way inside. And we keep drinking and using to keep forgetting.

And it’s where I started to believe that one day everything will magically work out so I just have to keep holding on to be saved.

I’ve spent so much time ignoring my body that trying to be present in it now, as an adult, makes me feel like a fearful little kid. Anxiety feels scary because I never learned how to manage it.

Ignore all the problems until you’re almost 30 and have a bunch of substance abuse issues and no one to turn to because you can’t trust the people who were supposed to care for you.

I’m just so damn tired of caring. Caring what people think - am I being nice and kind and do they feel heard and god forbid any one ever thinks I have ill intentions….

So yeah, my attitude lately is to block out the noise & do whatever I want to do. Whatever I know is truly good for my soul.

So I started a weaving again and have made some yummy food and am getting in a lot of snuggles with my dog. Also I listen to new music and take in the sunset. I take a long bath and put on my expensive lotion that’s saved for a special occasion because every day is a special occasion now that I am CHOOSING to be alive.

I realized I like having little projects. So I’ve been assigning myself shit to try because I’m interested in it. And that’s enough of a reason for me.

Isn’t the whole point of life to experience? And when you boil it down to that core, what really separates us from each other if we are all in it for the experience?

Am I sounding crazy?? Because I‘be never felt more enlightened and grounded in my sense of things.

Holy shit, it all makes sense now.

Or maybe this is all just one psychotic episode waiting to break loose. Lol. Hopefully not.

I’ve decided I don’t need some big overarching life goal - that I’m totally fine with going with the flow. I don’t need to have all the answers. In fact, forcing myself to think that way has actually cemented this “not good enough” belief.

Because when I think back as a kid and getting lost in the present - I was happy. I used to get lost in entertaining myself for hours. And the world (or my world) told me that was wrong. I wasn’t doing it correctly.

But I’m fine the way I am. You know? Like imagine if we could roll the tape back to before we ever started to hate ourselves or constantly try to “fix” our lives - how did we approach the world before everything was clouded by this inherent sense of “not good enough”.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that people don’t automatically think and know the worst parts of me and judge me by it.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that nobody really is that bothered by me. I’m feeling okay taking up my little space in the world.

I’m ready to care for that little girl who has felt so scared and uncomfortable all these years.

In some ways, I’ve never felt more free.

53 -

Sometimes I feel so different from everyone else I meet. I don’t want to pretend anymore. So I don’t.

I crave solitude almost 95% of the time these days. I mean no texting (not that I do that much any way), no calls, no social media, no doom scrolling - just lost in the day to day. And I like it this way.

I enjoy people and I really love my friends. But I don’t expect anything from them. If they show up, they show up & if they don’t, they don’t. I don’t read much more into it than that. I used to spend HOURS obsessing over social interactions, what people thought of me, if people liked me - etc.

And now I just, don’t really think about people at all.

I’ve been really into walks around my neighborhood, consumed with school & all my other time is essentially devoted to: organizing my life, self-care, painting (a new hobby), hot yoga, etc.

I do have a constant thought plaguing me: “am I becoming a selfish asshole?”

I think it’s more, I am no longer holding myself responsible for other people. Managing emotions and expectations. That’s their responsibility.

I can barely manage myself sometimes so like, the fact that I have tried to manage others for a good portion of my life just exhausts me to think about.

If I am ever offensive or rude or anything perceived poorly, I trust that people know they can come to me and we can talk through it.

I think that for most of my life, I defined my self worth and value through people liking me, having lots of friends/plans, making my life appear great. I thought if people liked me then I mattered.

I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel pretty strong in who I am and what I stand for. And I know I’ll be okay. Even if I still struggle from time to time.

So like, things are pretty groovy rn. Onward and upward

54 -

In a weird place lately, but a good one. It just feels uncomfortable - kind of like getting a new pair of shoes and waiting for them to fully break in. Or wearing a t-shirt that doesn’t quite fit.

I’m doing really well lately. Ok, honestly I feel like “doing well” has a lot of room for interpretation. But as far as my mind and heart go - I’m doing just fine.

Because I don’t hate myself anymore. And this is everything.

So I’m not exactly where I want to be yet. So what? I am enjoying where I am at.

So people (in my life or not even in my life) don’t exactly approve or understand my life choices. All good - it’s my life, not theirs

I took 5+ grams of shrooms and found myself. Okay that sounds absolutely bonkers when I re-read that but it’s true.

I’ve had some alcohol since that time and I feel completely different drinking. Like I didn’t want to create chaos or hurt the people I love - HELLO WIN! Also, I don’t actually like the way alcohol makes me feel anymore but I acknowledge and recognize when I drink, I am indulging the old me.

Beyond that, I’ve just felt so settled. Whatever happens, I trust in my ability to find a way through. I am the woman in the arena, I am a survivor and I am resilient.

Some of the thought patterns that used to plague me, don’t as much anymore. It’s strange.

I turned 30 and decided now or never.

I think it also goes without saying - but living a life that you enjoy, that brings you peace and security…..wow it changes the game. I try so hard to have sympathy/empathy for those who feel stuck or unhappy.

But if you’re not going to do anything about it, I can’t fucking help you. Because even when shit has been as bad as it has, maybe I wallow sure - BUT I FIND A WAY THROUGH.

What’s crazy to me is this overwhelming sense of gratitude I feel. I feel present in my body.

Okay so still struggling with weed (because like who isn’t, when alcohol is so 1990) but lately I’ll put the damn bong down and eat a meal or take a nap/rest.

A year ago…..I would have died with the bong in my hand.

I haven’t felt as called to write. My thoughts have felt really jumbled and I’ve been really content to just “be” without needing to overanalyze it all.

Ok I always say that I need to get over this concept of “one day everything is going to magically be better”.

But………….everything has become magically better.

I scrolled back to my original posts first out of the hospital and I don’t recognize that woman. I want to hug her and tell her I’m proud of her. That so many people don’t have the courage to look their truth in the face and accept it, but she did. And she continues to.

I want her to know that I believe in her with all my heart. She can do this. She will do this. She will break the cycle and she will achieve the recurring dream of sitting on her deck in the backyard she owns, recounting how she made it through.

She will. And I will. I am!

55 -

Life trucks on.

I really struggled in June. Fell into a depressive episode that lasted almost the whole month. I missed half the days of school and I smoked weed to deal with how miserable I felt.

Normally I’d beat myself up about this. Another fucking setback.

Instead I’m choosing to remember that change does not happen overnight. It’s the little steps, sometimes tiny ones even, that add up over time.

I got on new meds for ADHD and depression and they seem to be helping significantly. I quit weed and now we are a sober potato all day long. I’m still in the early stages so I’m definitely feeling out of it, distracted, irritable, antsy, BORED!

But I keep reminding myself of the bigger picture.

It’s so god damn hard.

A cornerstone of my depression is lack of interest, in anything. I don’t know where it went but it’s been gone for some time. I want it back.

I want to wake up feeling optimistic, energized and ready to take on the world.

I’ve realized a lot of life is built on faith - in others, in myself, in good things coming. Faith is hard to develop when you’ve spent your whole life thinking the opposite. But I’m working on it.

As usual, I am a beautiful work in progress. Each day, a little better & brighter. And I have come so far already :)

56 -

Sometimes I look around and I wonder if everyone questions their sense of reality as much as I do.

I feel like something is about to crack.

57 -

Well. It’s me. And it’s time to come clean. Or get clean.

I write this at 3am (still drunk) sitting in a hotel because I was too drunk to drive so I fell asleep in my car for 6 hours. At the mall.

So I guess let’s sit here and face some hard truths.

I thought I was better than everyone else. I thought if I fixed everything underneath, then alcohol wouldn’t be a problem. I thought then, I could control it. I thought I could find the easy way through and be this person that’s like “wow I really struggled and rags to riches and all that”. I thought if I could have one or two instances where I drank and was fine - POOF! It’s proof I’m cured!!

Haha god I am so annoying sometimes.

OMG SURPRISE! Alcoholism isn’t a quick fix. You can’t take a bunch of magic mushrooms and fix it. You can’t get on the proper meds for your mental issues and fix it. You can’t upheave literally your entire life to run from the problem and fix it. You can’t tell yourself “this is where I am and I give myself grace” and fix it. You can’t “only drink a little” and “pace yourself” and fix it.

My husband (who I love more than breathing) can tell me that my drinking is hurting him and I can’t (won’t) fix it.

EVEN if my life gets good and I no longer want to “escape” it per se.

I can’t fix it.

Blame my hyper independence but I realize now that I thought I could fix any problem. Ever. I can find an easy solution to keep coasting. Like I legit pride myself on working the system.

But this also stems from my desire to break free of normalcy and the confines of society and being a sheeple and needing to be a “certain” way to achieve “success”. In case it isn’t obvious, I could go on and on about this.

Side bar: if you’re reading this and feeling shitty about where you’re at in life, like you’re not successful enough - let me leave you with this: who decided that success looked like? Who defined it for you? I guarantee it wasn’t you. What if you were to decide the definition of success and being a good person? What would that look like?

So yeah. I am fully going off the deep end. Luckily this go around I haven’t ended up in the hospital or injured myself or someone else - but something needs to give.

I don’t understand why I can’t give up the alcohol? IT’S LITERALLY EVERYWHERE. Ads, TV shows, grocery store displays, billboards.

It’s only once you have a drinking problem that you really notice how ingrained alcohol is in our culture. Or maybe you’re a smart one who realized it ahead of time - god fuck you, I am jealous of you.

I don’t know how to stop. I’m in tears thinking this is going to kill me. I don’t want to stop because I don’t have another or better option.

Ok like I know what’s smart, I know what’s best. Just stop drinking right? Obviously you know what it’s doing to your life and the people around you. You’re smart - stop.

I don’t want to. I want to be a normal person who can drink and get lit from time to time and not have it be a big deal. Not have it turn into a 6 month bender. I need to let this expectation go but I don’t know how because I feel like if I admit it… people look at you differently, they hold you to a different standard, they watch you.

I swear this happens but tell me if I’m actually just paranoid.

ITS NOT THAT GOD DAMB EASY OKAY IM SO SORRY FOR BEING THE HURRICANE RIGHT NOW

So yeah. In my underwear. Drunk. An hour from home. At a hotel. Not sure what to do. Not sure how to explain this one. I found a nearby meeting at 7am, let’s see if I even wake up lol.

Honestly? I give up. I don’t know best. I don’t know anything!!! Now what do I do?

Each day - we keep going. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

58 -

So I’m still drunk. I can’t let it go. I haven’t been home since 8am yesterday.

But this is me, writing this in a parking lot of a church - waiting for a meeting.

So this is what my best looks like right now. And it’s gonna have to fucking do.

59 -

I went to the meeting. It was good. I was drunk for it but hey I showed up.

I got home safely, finally. We (not me, we) threw out all the hidden alcohol and had a hard conversation.

I called my mom and I told her what happened and I let her “mom” me.

I decided to take a leave of absence from school.

I made it through today. And I can go to sleep. I will not drink tomorrow.

I realize I was not putting my recovery first. I got a little cocky and a little arrogant.

I thought “I’m smarter than other addicts”

Ok like go with me on this thought because I know that no one except an addict will get this but let’s pretend we all do:

It’s one thing to be 18 and get high before work at Old Navy and hahaha it’s your funny little secret. No one knows and work was more fun today. Or to steal alcohol from Walmart and be all wild and silly and “omg I’m like sooOoo drunk”

It’s quite another thing when getting high means cold water extraction opiates. (So you can take more without killing your liver on the Tylenol portion. You know, the normal crack head shit. Duh?)

And what they don’t tell you when you decide to be a rebellious, misunderstood teenager - that that turns into knowing what liquor stores are open at 7am. Being too fucked up to drive so you have to order alcohol delivery. Finding a random pill on the sidewalk & trusting google then taking it. Stealing pills from friends, family - literally anyone. Knowing exactly how to drink in front of others and they have no idea - spiking “normal drinks” / dark water bottles. Driving drunk, like….all the time. Being so fucked up for so long that sobriety almost feels like its own sort of drug lol. Lying, making excuses, ignoring, not eating, not sleeping, developing acne, being unable to walk up stairs without being winded, bad hygiene, isolating, sleeping with whomever just to feel worthy, doing so much blow that the blinds moving gives you a panic attack, actually just like doing blow and licking the god damn bag for that last piece, getting kicked out of places, getting a dui (oh and still driving drunk on a suspended license), knowing the graveyard gas station guy on a first name basis, being on house arrest, having the person you love most tell you that you’re hurting them unintentionally, being unreliable, chaotic etc etc etc

So a year ago I started this online journal because I thought I was gonna do it. I was going to get sober and stay sober. Finally.

Well it didn’t quite play out that way. I only have myself to blame.

Here we fucking go again. Each day a little ….something but idk what that is to be honest.

60 -

I need to end today with something hopeful so here it is:

I think everything I need (to find happiness and fulfillment) may actually be within me….

Because I’m definitely in a low and I scrolled back to look over what I had written before, not sure what I was hoping for but then I found it….hope itself.

If I have been happy and sober before, I can do it again.

If I can believe in myself and the goodness of this life, I can believe again. That part of me doesn’t just disappear.

Honestly? I’m actually a pretty cool person outside of the drinking. I like to be people’s safe space.

Ok pause, sometimes I am actually extremely fun when drinking. Or is this the alcoholism talking *wink*

I just need to surrender and trust that. Trust my greater She. I told her to STFU for a few months - ouch I’m not perfect. Sorry girl, no hard feelings.

I will put my trust back in her.

One day at a time.

Okay. I can do this. Again. I have to.

61 -

I’m just so tired. The urge to escape was strong this morning. It was overwhelming.

Yesterday was so emotionally draining. I feel like a failure right now but deep down I know I’m not.

I wouldn’t have been able to say that before. And that’s how I know things are changing :)

I don’t believe in signs but my ex (everyone has that one ex that just….you know, THE EX of all the exes) contacted me out of nowhere and I can’t stop staring at the message.

He contacts me periodically, a thirsty slide into the DMs. lol

(also me: HAHAHA told ya mf i was amazing ur loss big boi)

I’m obviously not going to touch that, but it gets me thinking about how things always seem to come around at the same time.

Is there a deeper meaning to anything?

Is this a sign - maybe the universe is saying “hey it’s your chance, here’s temptation to fuck it all up and it’s up to you girly!”

I’m only human so I’ll admit it, there will always be a tiny grain of hope. Doesn’t matter how committed or in love I am now.

Because who hasn’t been fucked over or taken for granted, and hoped that one day they’d come back and realize? Like finally getting revenge in a way.

The heart isn’t mutually exclusive.

I feel so vulnerable and all of the thought patterns I’ve worked so hard to overcome, are just lurking in the shadows.

It’s funny how our addict minds are just waiting for the second we start to feel better - regardless of how bad it was last time, it will still try to convince me it’ll be different next time.

It’s fucked up honestly. My own brain? Working against me.

But you know what? This time I don’t want to prove anything to anyone. I don’t want to be perfect - I am just too tired to care anymore.

I deleted all of my social media and decided my new life dream is to be a ghost.

Sometimes….it really is just about doing the work. I cried so much in the last 24 hours but it has been cathartic. I forgot that crying is actually a completely normal expression and release of energy.

I’m definitely afraid of my feelings. This is all I know so far.

Hey, one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.

Each day, a little more. I won’t drink today.

62 -

Baby steps. No drink & no desire to drink.

Actually I’ve been craving a salad and yoga haha.

I’m trying to take it easy and slow. No grandiose expectations or promises

The only things I need to do right now are slow down, breathe deep & not drink.

Each day, a little better and brighter.