42 -

42 -

Crashed and burned. Stuck in a relapse but I don’t care. About anything really. No god, no magical She guiding me. Just me. Not giving a fuck.

I haven’t drank….yet. But drugs, yes. It’s so nice to turn off my brain. I actually like the fishbowl, disassociated feeling. I can live in the world and be apart of it, but still keep it at a distance.

I care so much about everything that it hurts.

“What would you attempt to do if you could not fail?” Live. Try.

I’m having a really hard time remembering the point to life or finding any reason to pull myself out of this.

You see, nothing matters in the end. Everything that we let define us, that we let dictate our lives - these are all just ideas someone else came up with. None of it matters in the end. We all die alone.

So like, why bother? I don’t want to achieve anything big or momentous, I don’t want power or status or money or anything. I just want to find a good reason to stay alive, to find joy and not let the weight of everything ruin it.

When I get like this, it’s hard to remember ever being happy. It’s hard to feel like I can have it all. Like I can believe and actually manage my feelings without any sort of substance.

It’s hard to explain.

I just felt like I was going to EXPLODE. And I guess I am exploding. Into a thousand little pieces.

me, in a downward spiral:

*self sabotage and high-risk behaviors*

41 -

Made myself go to a hot yoga class & it was HOT. I think I died and was reborn in that class lol. I used to do hot yoga consistently but have fallen out of it over the last 2 years (read: alcoholism, depression, drug addiction).

I’m all for finding what works for you and hot yoga is my thing. There’s something about dripping in sweat & heart pounding…but focused on the breath. The breath really is everything. I find a surreal peace in my mind. I can tune out my mind and the world and just stay focused on my breath. The here and now. It’s so much easier to focus on my breath when I’m on the brink of death (lol) in a class than it is in real life. Yoga has taught me so much about body awareness and how much of an impact our breathing has on our nervous systems.

I read this quote: the true measure of success is a calm nervous system. SO TRUE. As a self proclaimed ADHD poster child who “lives life on overdrive” (again, my therapist) — all I ever want is to feel calm.

Honestly, most of the time you could describe me as a wind up toy that just goes and goes and goes and goes, the song gets distorted and it starts to move all wonky, and then it crashes.

Anyway the class was what I needed. A sign. I needed to return to myself a little bit.

Started my day off with a super nutritious breakfast. I always feel like if my breakfast is solid then it sets the tone for the rest of the day. Like if I’m eating candy for breakfast, then I know my ass is going to be a lazy blob or a hot mess for the day lol

I also made myself get ready today, go on a long walk with my dog (she was the goodest girl) AND even sat down to look for jobs instead of putting it off like I have for months….go me!

Procrastination? We don’t know her!!!

My therapist suggested I write a response to a situation that has been weighing on my mental space for months. I did it & it felt very cathartic. Like the last piece of the puzzle so I can let. that. shit. go. Someone give my therapist a raise!! Jk don’t because I’m broke and can barely afford her.

(side bar: very very very thankful and privileged to not have to work during these early months of sobriety)

Going to bed with a serene feeling in my heart & my body. All I can ask for.

43 -

I think I’ll try to come out of this relapse now.

Also self care SUCKS most of the time. Like it’s not fun at all. It’s doing the stuff you don’t want to, like cleaning your room, submitting that form, going to the gym that first time, having that conversation you avoided or making that call. It’s doing stuff that lets you unwind and stop worrying, and most of the time, that involves confronting and overcoming something you really would rather avoid.

relationships and jobs are temporary. your shitty unpopular tumblr blog is forever