48 -

48 -

I’m really proud of myself lately.

have not called in sick to work because of depression - haven’t needed to! It is SO nice to have a job that doesn’t make me die inside a little every day and fill me with dread.

gotten up every morning and taken my dog out

been trying some “biohacking” for my energy levels - Vitamin D, B12, waiting before screen time in the AM, light exposure & cold exposure. Maybe some of it is total bologna but hey, at least I’m problem solving

on that note, feeling motivated to try new things and take care of myself

was sick but I made myself rest & didn’t beat myself up about a “lack of productivity”

haven’t been bingeing on sugar (except last night because it was vday, sue me)

have been drinking water

have NOT been drinking alcohol! yay me, day 11 round 2.

have been going to bed consistently at 10pm

have been able to talk myself out of negative ruminating thoughts

I haven’t been taking my ADHD meds and I have significantly less anxiety. Though I am back to my wee little space cadet ways. But I’ll take the absentmindedness over the constantly worrying or tightness in my chest.

However, still taking my ssri & it really does make a world of difference for me

I have health insurance! And a consistent paycheck!!!

have caught up & made things right with a good friend

am applying to esthetician school!!

can i just say my skin has been GIVING lately. I am feelin’ myself.

it’s not that serious, seriously

also not shopping impulsively - like actually being frugal….me? Ok but yesterday I did find a cute top at aritzia on MEGA sale. Rules are bendy, don’t tell my husand

eating my veggies like the good little rabbit I am

have been getting ready every day

can actually visualize my future/long term goals (well a year out)

actually using my planner again

excited to hit some goals??? WHO AM I

content with who I am & trusting in how I show up

slooowwwly, but surely - releasing expectation of perfection from myself.

slooowwwly, but surely - accepting, forgiving and embracing every part of me

love my human & my dog & my people

2024 is my year or at least I’m determined to make it so because I am tired of being sad and disappointed and depressed and unconfident scared and melancholy and apathetic.

I want a life that brings me joy so this is the year I finally achieve that.

I believe I can! Each day, a little better & brighter :)

a safe love

49 -

#triggerwarning apathy & suicidal thoughts

I feel like shit. As soon as you label yourself an “addict” or “alcoholic”, then you can’t fail. Everyone’s looking at you and wants to make sure you’re okay. I’ll never be their version of okay.

I’m not okay. I hate living. Just when I think I’ve found my motivation & the desire to keep on, it fades as quickly as my next breath.

I haven’t offed myself because there are just a few things/people I still care about deeply.

But like? Shit is so hard! I have to remember deadlines and making enough time and keeping in touch with people and meetings and also don’t remember to not waste time and push myself and having a calm head and eating and sleeping and I just can’t right now.

And how the fuck am I going to ever have a baby when I can barely (BARELY) take care of myself for more than 3 days. I don’t know why anyone thinks I’ll be a great mom, I’m too trapped in my selfishness and misery.

I relapsed. And I’m sad and anxious. And numb.

The worst is that I don’t even give a flying fuck, I give up. I want to stay drunk and struggling. It’s so hard.

I don’t know how to be happy.

Whatever.

What’s trash is that my family did this to me and then I did it more to myself and I have to pick up the pieces and heal. It’s no one else’s responsibility but mine. And yet I didn’t ask for this.

I almost no showed to work today and just decided fuck it all. But I didn’t.

I hate everything.

You have options. I promise you, you have options. Even if you blow up your whole life, change your name and train hop half way across the country- you still have options. So long as you are alive you have choices and chances. If you can’t see them, ask someone else. Ask a stranger or someone who loves you. Anyone not in your situation will have different a perspective. Stay safe and stay alive.

51 -

It has been day 1 for me again for going on….a week. I’m stuck. Every night I think to myself: okay tomorrow, going to wake up and reset. And maybe the first 5 minutes I do feel that way but then I’m not sure what happens? Head gets cloudy and I go back to the same old alcoholic routine,

I’m still trying.

Also refusing to feel sorry for myself, I will not wallow. I know this had to happen - relapses happen! I’m imperfect. What’s important is that I get back on the horse.

Ok so I will do that….maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have a day off and am feeling like I need to go a meeting even if it’s the only thing I do.

All I have to say.