Don't Give Up.

don't give up.

ottoke??? my sleeping heart was awakened by the drama i was watching awhile ago... i didn't even realized i haven't felt the feeling of being in love again for almost 3 years until i saw the scene where the girl said she doesn't like the boy anymore and then she said it'll take awhile but she will try to forget her feelings for this boy... i was like this girl before. i was very impulsive. i act and talk before i think and would always end up crying or hurting. i did a lot of 'stupid' decisions when it comes to the boys i liked before. i cried bucket of tears because of my unrequited one-sided-love i had before. somehow i dont regret it. maybe coz the feeling that he was just around me before made me smile like an idiot the whole day. i felt like it was the best thing ever until he rejected me (directly or not). i know those boys never liked me back. It was just me having an illusion that he'll soon fall for me as long as i show him how much i care for him and how much i wanted to tell the whole school that i like him. i guess those weren't enough coz he never appreciated my efforts. i was humiliated numerous times by my schoolmates. i was laughed at because i always tried to show in front of everyone how much i like this boy. it hurt me a lot but i guess i deserve it too for being immature and selfish. however, there was this scene in the drama where the boy said to the girl that she should not give up on her feelings for him. that made me think about what would have happened if one of the boys i liked before said this to me too? well is it even possible? truth is all i know it was never an option to them. i was just a nobody and they are so unlucky coz i was the girl who fall for them and not the popular ones. thus, it breaks my heart too until now that i put them into shame once in their school life. i still feel sorry for them. and though i am selfish, i still hope they will forgive me someday... and if i am lucky enough, i wish they'll tell me the reason why they didn't like me back then... so... there was this line from the drama that the boy said, 'about you liking me... don't give up'... it then rang a bell to me. what if... what if i told the boy i like that i am finally letting go of him, will he say the same thing too? coz until now i am doing my best to forget and move on with my lide since most of those boys are havig the time of their life right now... wothout me in the picture. the drama made me wish i can travel back in time and do all those mushy things again but in a more mature way. i wonder if the boy will finally notice me and return my unrequited love... oh why is it so hard to explain this feeling? why do i only experiencr heartaches? when am i going to fall in love with the right guy? i can't wait to find my true love. i won't lose hope and give up without trying my best. i will treasure this person who will show me the meaning of true love as soon as i found him. i promise.

confused and tired.

am i that shallow to think that i am starting to fall for this guy just cause he is giving me his time? *sigh* i wish i don't know anything abt him and people will not judge me or him once i admit that i 'might actually like' him. i wish my friends wouldn't mind it. but idk what is really happening. damn he makes me happy when he talks to me especially when i am bored. but at the same time, he makes me feel left out once our communication stop. i don't understand why, but it seems so wrong. i can lay out all the reasons i can think of why this is wrong but i also want to know why this is really happening. it is so confusing. it is causing me a headache. this is making me a bad person coz i know somebody will get hurt at the end, its either one of my friends, him or me... and i don't want this to happen. never in my life i want this to happen. tho i would rather be hurt than somebody else getting hurt just because of me. i only wish he'll stop being too friendly to me. i don't want a misunderstanding and an expectation. all i want is for the two of us to find our happiness and nothing more... and if avoiding him is the only way i can stop this confusion then i'll do it. i am tired of having misunderstandings all the time. it is so petty and stupid. so please people be straightforward when you talk to me. i don't have all the time to fully get what you really want from me. i want you to be direct and honest. let's stop these lies. talk to me like a real man. i am getting tired of all of this. i just want to be happy...

Yes, i admit i am SELFISH.

I always think of what is best for me. I only care about issues i am involved with. I want everyone's attention on me! I want my family and friends to always notice me. I am SELFISH. Is that enough? Do you want to know why i am like this? Why i am so SELFISH? Well then why don't you start showing that you really actually love and cares for me... Why don't you try telling me i am important to you... Why don't you say you're proud of me... Why don't you stop expecting me to be the perfect?? Should i stop being SELFISH? Let me ask you something... When will you start recognizing my little sacrifices? When will you be honest to me? When will you tell me i am enough for you and you don't expect me to be the best? When am I going to gain self confidence? Or how am i going to believe in myself when i don't even feel my importance because of you... Am i asking for too much? Am i not allowed to be like this? Should i blame it all to myself? I don't think so. Why? Cause you made me be like this. Yes, i hafta blame it you too. I need you to know what i really feel. You will never know the real me unless you start understanding my feelings... I just want you to acknowledge me, to love me, to tell me you are proud of me... And to be honest with you, until now i still don't feel it. You still don't understand me. You still don't know the real me... Now, tell me again why i should stop being SELFISH...

does it have to be this hard?

i mean i know this is nothing compared to other people's problems but damn i am so near to quiting coz i am not sure anymore if i still want this... i always thought of myself being the great one but come to think of it, i am not. i always tend to ran away from the challenges i have to face in life. i am a coward. i always choose the easy path. scared to try some risks. scared to fail. whatta scaredy cat! and now, here i ama again. trying my best to escape. whining and whining all day. i bet these people around me are sick of it already. i bet they wanna shove some papers in my face just so i won't be able to talk and whine. sorry guys... it's just that i don't wanna be a failure. i wanna be seen by other people as a strong woman. i wanna earn some respect from them. i guess it'll end up again just like the usual. me running away from it. unless, you're willing to be by my side and lemme feel that you sincerely actually care about me and that you'll help me overcome this ruckus. ah why am i like this? always a dependent girl... can't make her own decisions. can't protect her own happiness, needs and wants... JIA YOU KC!!! JIA YOU!!!

Paulit-ulit lang??

Gosh anu ba ang gusto mong iparating sa akin talaga?? You were there again. I was being the stupid me again. I was crying... begging for your love as usual. I was hurting. I was hugging you, asking the same question over and over again... "Why cant it be me? Why?"... I know its impossible for you to even notice me but why do you keep on coming back in my 'place'?! Why do you keep confusing me with my feelings?! We both know that it will end up just like before. And in that moment... I saw myself crying again coz just like before... you said you cant love me. You told me i cant be the one for you. I am tired. I dont want to see this happening again. I dont want to let a single tear fall just because you hurt me again. This should end now... But i dont know how... I am not ready yet. But i feel like it should happen... I'll make sure it will happen. Sooner or later i'll end up accepting it anyways... It'll hurt but i'll get used to it. I know for sure you dont even care. And its not an issue to you at all... All im asking is to know the truth from you personally. When will that time come?? Idk when exactly. But i'll try to be prepared. When am i going to have the courage to 'talk' to you again?? I hafta end this.

Snape's one true love.

Yeah you can tell that i just watched the final part of the Harry Potter series. And this for me is one ofthe best movies i saw. This part of the series is what i liked the most. It was on the part where Snape’s flashback of his ‘love story’ that caught my attention the most. I wonder if that kind of love does exist?… Where can i find a selfless man like Snape in this lifetime? Do they even exist? Gawd i cant help it but feel sorry for him... but i am also very grateful to him for being such a kind man. He showed what love is. He protected the son of the only woman he loved. That for me is true love. for a man like him, who sacrificed and became selfless even though he doesnt have to. I salute Professor Snape with all my heart. How i wish there are other people like him in this world. I bet our world will have a better future if people like him exists.