Confused And Tired.

confused and tired.

am i that shallow to think that i am starting to fall for this guy just cause he is giving me his time? *sigh* i wish i don't know anything abt him and people will not judge me or him once i admit that i 'might actually like' him. i wish my friends wouldn't mind it. but idk what is really happening. damn he makes me happy when he talks to me especially when i am bored. but at the same time, he makes me feel left out once our communication stop. i don't understand why, but it seems so wrong. i can lay out all the reasons i can think of why this is wrong but i also want to know why this is really happening. it is so confusing. it is causing me a headache. this is making me a bad person coz i know somebody will get hurt at the end, its either one of my friends, him or me... and i don't want this to happen. never in my life i want this to happen. tho i would rather be hurt than somebody else getting hurt just because of me. i only wish he'll stop being too friendly to me. i don't want a misunderstanding and an expectation. all i want is for the two of us to find our happiness and nothing more... and if avoiding him is the only way i can stop this confusion then i'll do it. i am tired of having misunderstandings all the time. it is so petty and stupid. so please people be straightforward when you talk to me. i don't have all the time to fully get what you really want from me. i want you to be direct and honest. let's stop these lies. talk to me like a real man. i am getting tired of all of this. i just want to be happy...

heartache.

Kapag nga naman tinopak ka di mo na mapipigilan ang sarili mo. Lahat ng di na dapat e gagawin at gagawin mo pa din... Hay hanggang kelan ka ba madadala ha?! So yeah just like the 'good' old days... as usual pinairal ko na naman katangahan ko and things happened that shouldn't have happened if i was thinking right. Again, i took the initiative to let him know that i still care about him. Well not like i still like him, i was just being concerned... well prolly being too nosy i guess... But still i only want the best for him. Unfortunately, dinedma niya lang ako. It kinda hurts cause i know i am the type of person na once you became a part of my life, you'll forever have a place in my heart and yeah i hate it when these people ignore me for no reason. I expect you to be like that too at least kahit sa akin man lang... as your friend. I mean i am concerned abt you why don't you be thankful at least. But nope, they'll be talking to other shits as if i didn't say something... Wow i wish i can take back my words and stop regretting this but nope i can't. Ang tanga tanga ko kasi eh! Di na ako natuto! Di na din ako nasanay... Yan tuloy nasasaktan na naman ako ng di oras. Teka is he still worth it? I mean yung feeling na ito, na nasasaktan ako... Is it worth it? Oh gosh di ko na alam ang pinagkaiba ng tama sa mali, katangahan over happiness, lying sa accepting the truth... kelan kaya ako matututo? Kelan ba dadating yung day na i'll give up everything after ko marealized na it's not worth it and i don't deserve it?? Kelan ba ako magiging happy kasi?... Lagi na lang akong nasasaktan. Lagi na lang akong nalulungkot. Lagi na lang akong pinagkakaisahan. Lagi na lang akong iniichapwera... It's hurting me and i will always be hurting. Stupid heartache. 3

my ASL teacher asked us to write names, letters, shapes & numbers on a piece of paper. She then told us to sign them and let our partner read it. Hahaha i was laughing when my partner's face looked so confused after i signed Onew's name... She was like is there a person named "Onew"??

Snape's one true love.

Yeah you can tell that i just watched the final part of the Harry Potter series. And this for me is one ofthe best movies i saw. This part of the series is what i liked the most. It was on the part where Snape’s flashback of his ‘love story’ that caught my attention the most. I wonder if that kind of love does exist?… Where can i find a selfless man like Snape in this lifetime? Do they even exist? Gawd i cant help it but feel sorry for him... but i am also very grateful to him for being such a kind man. He showed what love is. He protected the son of the only woman he loved. That for me is true love. for a man like him, who sacrificed and became selfless even though he doesnt have to. I salute Professor Snape with all my heart. How i wish there are other people like him in this world. I bet our world will have a better future if people like him exists.

Goodbye Blue, goodbye.

July 21, 2011. The day our dear God took him away from his loved ones. He died due to drowning in the river around 6pm… The kind boy with a gorgeous smile is now not with us… He is gone… forever. I had a big shock after reading a schoolmate’s facebook status abt his death. I was heartbroken after i saw it. I can’t believe it. I did not want to belive it at all. I went to check it on his FB and there i saw numerous wall posts saying ‘r.i.p. and/or we will miss you’… I wasn’t able to react well. I let out some tears drop because i cant understand what i was feeling at that moment. I was sad. I was tired. I was shocked. I was in denial. I was not in the mood to be strong. It was the saddest news i saw today. It was so unexpected and unwanted. The man i refer to as ‘my Blue Lan’ is now gone. I’ll never get to see him around the school’s campus again. No more pretty smiles and chinky eyes. No more ‘spying’ and ‘stalking’ for me. I’m gonna miss him tho we’ve never actually had conversations. Its just that i was and will be forever grateful to him for making me happy during the times i was having my major crush on him. From 2007, in my drama class til my previous college days, i will forever remember Mosha… Rest In Peace, my Blue… Be happy with our God and the angels in Heaven.

don't give up.

ottoke??? my sleeping heart was awakened by the drama i was watching awhile ago... i didn't even realized i haven't felt the feeling of being in love again for almost 3 years until i saw the scene where the girl said she doesn't like the boy anymore and then she said it'll take awhile but she will try to forget her feelings for this boy... i was like this girl before. i was very impulsive. i act and talk before i think and would always end up crying or hurting. i did a lot of 'stupid' decisions when it comes to the boys i liked before. i cried bucket of tears because of my unrequited one-sided-love i had before. somehow i dont regret it. maybe coz the feeling that he was just around me before made me smile like an idiot the whole day. i felt like it was the best thing ever until he rejected me (directly or not). i know those boys never liked me back. It was just me having an illusion that he'll soon fall for me as long as i show him how much i care for him and how much i wanted to tell the whole school that i like him. i guess those weren't enough coz he never appreciated my efforts. i was humiliated numerous times by my schoolmates. i was laughed at because i always tried to show in front of everyone how much i like this boy. it hurt me a lot but i guess i deserve it too for being immature and selfish. however, there was this scene in the drama where the boy said to the girl that she should not give up on her feelings for him. that made me think about what would have happened if one of the boys i liked before said this to me too? well is it even possible? truth is all i know it was never an option to them. i was just a nobody and they are so unlucky coz i was the girl who fall for them and not the popular ones. thus, it breaks my heart too until now that i put them into shame once in their school life. i still feel sorry for them. and though i am selfish, i still hope they will forgive me someday... and if i am lucky enough, i wish they'll tell me the reason why they didn't like me back then... so... there was this line from the drama that the boy said, 'about you liking me... don't give up'... it then rang a bell to me. what if... what if i told the boy i like that i am finally letting go of him, will he say the same thing too? coz until now i am doing my best to forget and move on with my lide since most of those boys are havig the time of their life right now... wothout me in the picture. the drama made me wish i can travel back in time and do all those mushy things again but in a more mature way. i wonder if the boy will finally notice me and return my unrequited love... oh why is it so hard to explain this feeling? why do i only experiencr heartaches? when am i going to fall in love with the right guy? i can't wait to find my true love. i won't lose hope and give up without trying my best. i will treasure this person who will show me the meaning of true love as soon as i found him. i promise.