Vent Tw - Tumblr Posts

We had a presentation on fentanyl recently

It made me think about a lot. My grandmother. My mother. Myself

Because of my nervous system dopamine deficiencies I have a higher chance of becoming an addict than most

Even if a drug is barely laced with Fentanyl it can and will probably kill you in an instant

I made a promise to not do drugs of any kind. I plan on keeping that promise

But shit man a 14 year old with ADD dies because he tried to take drugs to relax his symptoms and then dies less than two weeks after getting his hands on said drugs will fuck with me forever

I wrote some poetry about autism when I was younger but now looking back on it I don't think I really liked acknowledging the fact that I was disabled by my autism. If anything I was desperate to prove how undisabled I am and now that I'm older and having more frequent meltdowns I'm starting to think I have some sort of complex around accepting the fact that I am in fact developmentally disabled

I wrote some poetry about autism when I was younger but now looking back on it I don't think I really liked acknowledging the fact that I was disabled by my autism. If anything I was desperate to prove how undisabled I am and now that I'm older and having more frequent meltdowns I'm starting to think I have some sort of complex around accepting the fact that I am in fact developmentally disabled

Something I’ve found myself missing lately is the unabashed confidence I used to have daydreaming when I was a teen. My regular life was so filled with self-consciousness and self-hate, yet when I day dreamed I was unabashedly myself, unabashed I what I wanted and what I fantasised. I was whatever, whoever, with whoever I wanted. (Safe sane and consensual of course)

As I’ve grown older I’ve noticed my self confidence, or lack of it, has sunken even into my daydreams. Suddenly wants and day dreamed romances have become unrealistic even in my own mind. I cannot even day dream without my own torments anymore and I find myself tired of even imagining. Writing stories has become a chore even as my once safe space has become impossibly infected by my own sense of self.

I’m just so fucking sick of it.

TW: some dark themes i want to write nagito komaeda (pls im not trying to be cringy cause oOOH anTAgoNiST, i wen tthrough that with kokichi already)

but i have zero idea what about

ive never done free time events besides in dr3 (cause thats the one dr game i own) because i think u do them all in the dating minigame??? i say that cause i did do like one and so the love meter bar was up +1 and stuff

but i watched a vid which is a retrospective over dr2

and how he views life as 'the more bad there is, the greater his luck gets'

ex: kidnapped in middle school, but the place said kidnapper puts him at has a winning lottery ticket of like 500 mil

ive been reading a bunch of stuff where [character fully believes theyre in the right] when they arent, but genuinely dont know whats wrong with it

i mean considering his parents died at a young age (which was the 'good' part of his luck...) id imagine hes a little desensitized to that

just tf do i write about

ive written dr3. kokichi in particular, being angsty stuff that was just me venting

i treated it a little lightly though. like 'oh, all my friends kinda want to kermit sewer slide and have bad home situations and vent and hurt and so on' its not that bad

add on the fact that theres 'trends' about depressed ppl in a fandom most of them including me are in, not to mention some bashing on said ppl that just gives the msg 'oh. youre just faking it. youre an attention seeker. stop it.'

which in fear of being lashed out at, you say nothing (also the stereotypical s/h of cutting on the wrist?? dude i felt like such a faker when i couldnt bring myself to do such a thing)

but that shouldnt mean my experiences are invalidated? certainly didnt stop me from actually trying to commit

basically.. i think maybe i can.. vent in a sense. having the reality break by other ppl who misunderstand you

in this confusion you 'mask' yourself, unsure of how to act besides the suffocating guilt

the thing is though is that i dont usually return to fandoms ive written before cause that means i usually abandon it for something else

i mean ive tried writing undertale stuff again but i didnt get that far cause motivation

aggh..

i feel like a lot of the fandom has misunderstood nagito in a way.

goddammit who else have i misunderstood bc i skipped free time ev

also no one told me nagito has dementia whatthefuck--

LMAO ZEN (doesnt it happen for everyones routes though? i havent done like another story yet tho)

anyway before i get into talking about jumin (as the route im on rn) i wanted to wonder

yknow how certain things happen but only on someones route?

like zen has the echo girl thing, idk what yoosung has i forgor but i think jaehee had that one project??? that got her interested in like coffee stuff? jumin has the arranged marriage?? and seven has like. well. the hacker stuff.

but it never gets mentioned on someone elses route ? i dont think? i feel like itd be more cooler if it was all happening at once as like little references (but either something they can handle or cant handle outside of the route. just like maybe a vague mention of trouble to interest the player in that route, while still making sense from like a timeline standpoint???)

like. people doing things but its not because youre the one pushing it towards that. i like that more. and im curious how chaotic itd be

anyway

JUMIN. (disclaimer: I dont like him)

WARNING i start venting in this post. theres only one mention of a triggering thing (which is warned before the actual vent part but i dont want to put here to bring the mood down more cause in all honesty im over it. im just kind of projecting.)

i think ive said before how i can understand the liking of possessive partners

but. okay maybe its just that i dont like jumin as much as the others but. this is kinda way too much. or maybe its that i value my own independence a whole lot or maybe its because i really dont like the thing with his cat (and i LIKE cats. so giving me a character who likes cats and making me not like them??? ahgeiudhf)

like 'dont leave or ill go insane and make your face known everywhere so i can find you again' like the fuck no w h y CAN I LEAVE

I want to leave i dont care if i get the bad ending get me out of here 😭 (actually i think the bad ending mightve been if we encouraged being compared to like his cat and like. was willing to stay forever.)

e w NO like CHILL

maybe. im. being too extreme. and im just too on edge. but like. can you not. i am not your property?? i am not an object??

now LISTEN i understand marking. like like yknow biting and so and so as like a claim over your partner. and now that? thats hot and i like that. but thats ONLY for the bedroom there comes a point where too much of a thing is a bad thing

ALSO we've known each other how many days has it been. eight?? WE've known each other EIGHT days dont be horny bonk

g o o d . this is good.

STOP. dont talk like you know whats best for a person. like its some thing that'll happen, not a what if.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. now if he was being more weird id say go home but hes. OKAY. ish. now. like hes trying. and anyway getting him to not do it takes time. and also this is a game of romance fantasies where creepy shit gets played off as kinky or something. (not a jab towards mysme its just the kind of thing its trying to do which can result in uncomfortable parts if you take off your rose-tinted glasses of wOAH ROmANCE. its expected since ppl think certain things are hot when in reality its kind of very not that great)

…CAN I GO HOME???? like BRUH im not gonna accept you just cause you do so and so

why does this feel like a 'nice guy'. maybe this is my bad because this is making me really want to leave buth gdiuhfuih

trigger warning. i vent. mention of kermit sewer slide but nothing actual.

ive been pushing the 'stay here to help jumin feel more calm' but. i do also need to prioritize my own well being and my well being is not happy here rn 😭 (on a serious note though while its important to be there for your partner, its NOT a good thing to give everything to make sure your partners okay, because y'all are equals and as you help them stand they need to help you stand too or you'll collapse under all that and it really wont be a good time. im telling you its very draining. and why i promote the idea of get your shit together before you get with someone because there comes a point where you can be too dependent on your partner which isnt good for you or for them [and they can feel hesitant to express their feelings because they dont want to hurt you, or hesitant to do anything too stressful because theyre like that support pillar for them, and they dont want to do anything that causes otherwise because they dont want their partner to get hurt. it can also mean they go along with what the other wants even if they dont really want to because they dont want to hurt them. am i projecting? ithink im projecting. cause like. ive been there. and honestly i think it kind of fucked me up cause there was like a power imbalance in that one was significantly more fragile and vulnerable then the other, which made me feel like i should be going along with it because i didnt want them to be hurt when they didnt have anyone else they could rely on but me. [i tried to get them to make more friends cause relying on a single person is very unhealthy but no dice] but that also meant that they didnt respect my boundaries or respect me when i say no and instead just gave off excuses to make me change my mind or made me feel like i had to do what they wanted or theyd deliberately hurt themself. so.. it was a lot. anyway it really fucked me up cause i felt like i was in the wrong for not going along with it. blah blah blah. we split. i genuinely have no idea if it was true or not but they'd started saying things to make me feel bad and just not a fun time at all. they were probably in a really dark time in their life but im gonna be honest. i dont know in what scenario its okay to go 'im gonna kermit sewer slide if you dont [blah blah blah]'. so yknow. and this is not really the same but it still feels the same in walking all over boundaries and lines and is especially why i do not like this character a bit. yay trauma.])

i might actually get a bad ending because i. really dont like this.

https://youtu.be/TM-LcROZaFs

Hey don't read if you don't want to hear me bitching about my unrequited love

Dear Alex,

Good morning to you sir. You're on my mind once again. I dont really want you to be because it puts you in a bad position. There's you, and then there's y o u.

I constantly think about how much I want to hug you. How much I want to kiss you. How much I want to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright.

But I will never be anything more than a melting snowflake to you. Something beautiful and extraordinary to look at until it inevitably dries up on your skin. The snowflake that is now forever apart of you, even though you have long forgotten about it.

gammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagammagamma

I'm tired and things hurt and I might be sick and I feel dumb and stupid and I wanna cry for no reason whatsoever 😔🤘💔

my best friend is hanging out with her crush and I feel lonely

man i can’t wait for school. can’t wait to be overworked and write essays about things i don’t care about. i can’t wait to see all the fucking idiots again. can’t wait to not get any sleep. 🙄

WHY DO I HEAR WHISPERS

FUCK MY LFUW UGHHHHHHHHHHH

vent in the tags

I just realized that when i move to live on my own i'm gonna have to use all my energy to do shit like clean and do laundry... can't wait to regress back into my depression funk immediately upon moving away bc i'll be unable to do the things i like anymore <3

the bone crushing realization that im pretty sure my mom is doing everything she can to cut me off because i remind her of my father

Vent post

I REBLOG ONE POST, ONE POST ABOUT OCD, ONE POST. AND SUDDENLY, MY ENTIRE "FOR YOU" PAGE IS NOTHING BUT WORRYINGLY RELATABLE THINGS. LIKE, TUMBLR. TUMBLR "FOR YOU" PAGE. I DONT HAVE IT. STOP SHOWING ME WORRYINGLY RELATABLE THINGS I CANT GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN.

Vent

I think I might just be SLIGHTLY OH SO SLIGHTLY in love with my best friend...

You see, this wouldn't be so bad if I HADNT HAVE REJECTED HIM 4 MONTHS AGO

And idk if this is just hormone fuckery or if its fucking genuine

And I'm fucking clingy and terrified of losing him. Like I cry if I even think about it.

And??? I thought I was aromantic but?? I guess fucking not??? And he also thinks I'm aromantic so yeah

And I just. Don't know.

I just don't fucking know anymore.

I'm just.. really fucking confused and I don't know.

He makes me so happy and I'm terrified of us becoming distant

Oh and also he knows my tumblr username (but he doesn't use tumblr) so uh. There's that slight risk.

And I don't want to tell him because I don't want to hurt him if it doesn't work out. If I ever hurt him I wouldn't forgive myself.

Bad thoughts....very bad ones

UGH y'know what I'm gonna admit it:

I wish I could make silly little dragon noises. Like, idk something about being able to make inhuman sounding noises particularly makes me happy. Part of it is because they would be great vocal stims, too! There's just... one problem with that.

My voice never does what I want it to!!! ever!! I've had lots of reminders lately that I don't sound right in my brain. Not just the gender aspects, but like- I should be able to make noises! I should be able to have a much wider vocal range than I do. Not in pitch, but in like.... idk, flavor? I should be able to make a bunch of different sounds and I'm not. I'm hoping that doing voice training for gender reasons will help with that, since I'll actually learn to have some control over my voice. I'm just feeling particularly salty about it today, and wanted to throw it into the void since I know some other alterhumans will probably be able to relate.

i swear a person cant even mention they have delusions or psychosis without someone instantly saying something that could send that person into a spiral

like how fucking hard is it to say "oh im sorry" and Move The Fuck On.

yall just love being fucking ableist and love to trigger people unless its someone with PTSD, cPTSD or trauma huh?

its fucking gross and annoying.

dont clown on this or ill eat your kneecaps. <3