Vent Tw - Tumblr Posts - Page 2

Idk man, I feel like I need to vent, but I don't wanna burden anyone (I know it sounds cliché, but I'm serious. As much as I really want to be there for everyone whenever they need help, I know I wouldn't really like someone piling their troubles and struggles on top of my own). I have only shared my struggles with a few select people, only two of which have taken it well. I can't just vent to acquaintances or friends I'm kinda close to, it has to be someone I share a strong connection with. If they know me well, they might not leave me cuz the connection is too strong to throw away the friendship altogether. But like, even the people I HAVE vented to, I've shared just about everything. I need to vent about the same things over and over until the problem gets better, but that'll get annoying for them. I've already tried talking to ai about it, but they always give the same answers and it doesn't make me feel better knowing these aren't real people and the programs are programmed to say what I wanna hear. I know I could rant to my blog, but I don't want it to be a bummer compared to what I normally try to post. I may do so tho, so be prepared for somma dat lol.

And I swear, I'M GONNA GET TO REQUESTS SOON!! lol

It just might take a little bit cuz I'm getting into a bit of art block rn

Ik I joke around to my friends and family about not being able to sleep on my side, but it really fucking sucks.

Cuz like, sleeping on your side feels so much more natural and comfortable than sleeping sitting up. I've been unable to sleep on my side without waking up extremely nauseous for well over a year now, and it hasn't gotten any better.

I've tried this medication, I've tried that medication, I've tried this diet, I've tried that diet, I've tried sleeping in different parts of the house, I've tried sleeping on my back, I've tried sleeping on my stomach, and nothing works.

And I've been told countless times by people that "You should really sleep in your own bed.", and "It's not good for you to be always sleeping on the couch.", and "(In a rude, know it all tone) But why would you sleep in your bed? You seem perfectly fine sleeping on the couch.", as if they don't understand its not a fucking choice for me.

Sure, I can sleep in my bed, but I'll wake up at 2am feeling like I'm one ill-timed blink away from vomiting. And with my emetophobia, that's not gonna cut it.

I just wanna rip my stomach out of my body and ask it what the fuck it thinks it's doing.

either i’m having a mental problem or it’s a kin thing idk but my brain is tryna convince me i’m an insect.

lil bug boy /neg

i’m not having fun

going through a week long episode in 10 minutes

i’m not having fun free me

if i find the kid that bullied me in elementary at a friend’s football game i swear on my life it’s on sight. i’ll make her feel how i felt.

i’ve been afraid to show my face in public spaces on this trip because i know for sure she’s still out there. it feels like even after all these years she’s still hunting me. she won’t remember my face but i will know hers when i see it.

gender is weird and doesn’t make sense. i like being a boy, i like using he/him pronouns, i like being who i feel i am.

but somethings still wrong. there will be multiple times, and those times are becoming more frequent, where i’ll go onto chatbot sites or write fanfiction for myself, and then proceed to use she/her pronouns. even more than that, i use a different name from my deadname. the name i use in these situations changes every so often, but they’re all feminine names.

in every one of those cases, where i’m catering to my own desires, i present myself as a girl

and i’ve identified as a trans guy for about a year now. i’m relatively solid in this identity. there will be bumps where i try out a new set of alternate pronouns, like it/its and whatever neopronoun and xenopronoun set fancies my interest.

despite all this, when i’m alone, and i’m only indulging myself, i’ll go straight back to my birth gender.

it’s not normal, i think. at least not to me. sure, i’ve always been a bit indecisive, but i thought i would’ve solved this gender problem by now. and as far as i know, no non-binary genders out there fit my experience.

it can be painful to me. i always frame it, at least with ai, as “getting the anatomy right”, and with fanfiction, it’s just seeing how i like it.

but i don’t know. either i’m a gay guy or im a (maybe) bi woman. and i don’t know who i am.

i don’t understand what my gender is, and i don’t want to switch back to being perceived as a girl in my real life. if it was up to me, i’d just be a girl online and stay my trans guy self in real life.

take it even further, if i was transported to a fictional world of my choosing, completely customizing myself to a comfortable identity and body, i’d likely be female again.

we can’t just ignore the pain and agony i get from regular spouts of dysphoria in my day to day existence. i thought i’d want to be a boy if i had the chance to choose my body in another world.

but somehow, i have the feeling i’d even be happier if i was a girl in a fictional world.

i don’t know what’s wrong here. i don’t want to try she/her again for fear of a sudden rush of dysphoria, but i so badly want to know if being a guy is even for me.

i have a vent blog that i could be posting on but i don’t really care. i feel like i’m dying rn. i don’t know what happened. i had a coffee this morning and then next thing i know i’m shaking and frantically scribbling biblical angel designs in my science notes. i had a horrible relapse and tried to make myself bleed for the hell of it. i didn’t end up doing that but still. i don’t have any intent of cutting off my life subscription btw. but when my dad hit the middle thing in the car (dashboard?) i went into a full blown panic because once when i was a kid he broke my lampshade for accidentally hitting it and i didn’t even move i was just yelling in distress his voice was making me upset more

no point of this post. just a frantic life update. i’m gonna take a bath, wash my face, and drink some water

So... Does anyone else's mum threaten them with a baseball bat because they "never asked for a retard of a child" whilst your dad watches along with your siblings as they just smile at you, or do have a normal family?

wow, love that my school finally enforced that I get counselling after my parents have forbidden it for so many years because they know they'll be in deep shit if I call them out. So my mum sits there today violently grabbing at my face and screaming what she'll do if I "go off telling lies". She's just scared for herself.

Just saying...

Please do not interact unless you have experienced any form of trauma or abuse and/or experience mental illness, especially with maladaptive daydreaming.

I do not want people re-blogging or commenting on posts (mainly) about MaDD saying stuff like "omg, this is so me because I like to pretend ___ every once in a while". Or "oh, I'm just so imaginative like this".

Like, shut up. Shut up. It's not fun living like this. It hurts. Especially after going on for aeons thinking the daydreams were helping, but I get to a point of realising that it's not, and it's not okay. I'm not okay.

Aight, so, like, I know this is different than what I normally post, but I made this thing.

⚠️!!!TW!!!⚠️: BLOOD, GORE, EYE GORE, BURN MARKS, VENT, GENERALLY EMO AS FU-

(Without words)