Family Stuff - Tumblr Posts
The other day, I accidentally witnessed an exchange within a family, that keeps replaying in my mind. It was a short moment; the child of about 7 years old, woke up and came to the living room to sleepily lounge on the couch, his mother was in the bathroom. When she came back, she saw him, and said with the greatest content you could imagine "All of mine are awake!" and then she came over to him, hugged him and affectionately placed a kiss on his forehead. There was such warmth and delight in her voice, like she couldn't imagine anything better than having all of her family members awake and well, and her morning greeting was a hug and a kiss.
I felt like I intruded into something private, so I excused myself away, but the feeling I got seeing it was something foreign to me, I couldn't imagine how it felt to be inside of that family. It was like the feeling of love and togetherness was instinctual to them, something they didn't have to think about.
I think about where I would be if I had that, if positive attention and love was given to me freely, without a second thought, just on instinct. If I was given affection like this just for waking up and entering a shared space. It would have made me feel like it's natural, and normal to be loved, like it isn't impossible, or too much to ask for. Like I was meaningful to someone, if that person expressed delight just from seeing me awake.
It also came to my mind, that my parents would immediately proclaim that this kind of thing would just make me 'spoiled', and I know now, that knowing you're worthy of love is not spoiled, it's supposed to be normal, and it was taken away from me. But then I realized, wait, this is what 'spoiled' meant to them. 'Spoiled' doesn't mean obnoxious, selfish, loud and annoying behavior to an abusive parent, to them a child even thinking for a second they're worthy of attention and love is 'spoiled', because they don't want that. They want a child who retreats in shame and feels unworthy and unlovable, so they can exploit those feelings endlessly. If you know you're worthy of love, and attention, and basic respect, then you would ask for those things, or expect them, or protest when you're not getting them, and they don't want to provide that basic attention, they want to provide nothing. Having any needs at all will be called spoiled because it's an inconvenience for them. They used the wrong terms on purpose, because if they admitted they wanted a traumatized child, that would make them look bad. But saying 'I don't want to spoil my child' makes them look like they're parenting responsibly, all while inflicting trauma with absolutely no thought on how it will affect the kid. "We want a broken child, and we don't care what we have to say to get away with it." is what they meant.
I'm glad I was able to get a glimpse into how it looks when it's not abusive, and how basic attention is given without a second thought, because it is natural, it is normal to want to shower your loved ones with affection just because they woke up, just because you haven't seen them for a few hours. To normal people this is instinctual, they don't have to think twice about it, it comes out in their tone of voice, the delighted look in their eyes when they see you. The fact that it feels like a whole different world to me, is the proof that my parents didn't think twice about taking this away from me, and what it would do to me. I can't even imagine where I would be today if I had that.
We had a presentation on fentanyl recently
It made me think about a lot. My grandmother. My mother. Myself
Because of my nervous system dopamine deficiencies I have a higher chance of becoming an addict than most
Even if a drug is barely laced with Fentanyl it can and will probably kill you in an instant
I made a promise to not do drugs of any kind. I plan on keeping that promise
But shit man a 14 year old with ADD dies because he tried to take drugs to relax his symptoms and then dies less than two weeks after getting his hands on said drugs will fuck with me forever
We had a presentation on fentanyl recently
It made me think about a lot. My grandmother. My mother. Myself
Because of my nervous system dopamine deficiencies I have a higher chance of becoming an addict than most
Even if a drug is barely laced with Fentanyl it can and will probably kill you in an instant
I made a promise to not do drugs of any kind. I plan on keeping that promise
But shit man a 14 year old with ADD dies because he tried to take drugs to relax his symptoms and then dies less than two weeks after getting his hands on said drugs will fuck with me forever
We had a presentation on fentanyl recently
It made me think about a lot. My grandmother. My mother. Myself
Because of my nervous system dopamine deficiencies I have a higher chance of becoming an addict than most
Even if a drug is barely laced with Fentanyl it can and will probably kill you in an instant
I made a promise to not do drugs of any kind. I plan on keeping that promise
But shit man a 14 year old with ADD dies because he tried to take drugs to relax his symptoms and then dies less than two weeks after getting his hands on said drugs will fuck with me forever
We had a presentation on fentanyl recently
It made me think about a lot. My grandmother. My mother. Myself
Because of my nervous system dopamine deficiencies I have a higher chance of becoming an addict than most
Even if a drug is barely laced with Fentanyl it can and will probably kill you in an instant
I made a promise to not do drugs of any kind. I plan on keeping that promise
But shit man a 14 year old with ADD dies because he tried to take drugs to relax his symptoms and then dies less than two weeks after getting his hands on said drugs will fuck with me forever
I'm....... very hesitantly optimistic....
My mother and I had a surprisingly open conversation about my eldest being autistic, me being audhd, and basically the entire family being autistic/adhd/both. (Touched base on pots again too)
This coming from the woman who prior to this chat, habitually rejected such things/diagnosis. Who would get manic and mean about her thoughts and frustrations with ND folks, especially family. (Unless it was her own offspring. In which case we weren't ND we were just 'hella weird' and needed correcting/shamed to become 'normal'.)
Even going so far as to suggest the entire family should get together for an important meeting. To hash things out. From childhood to present day.
While this all sounds amazing.... I am so scared to believe that this is genuine. I'm scared to believe she suddenly very recently turned her whole belief/attitude around and is trying to have the entire family make amends.
She hurt me so deeply, especially within the last 5 years. She broke my trust, and our entire relationship. I've been distant but polite these last few years. Unable to work myself up to confronting her about the hurt, and what she has said behind my back to other family members.
I don't know what to expect with this family meeting scheduled for sometime in the coming months..... but I have a gut feeling this big conversation is going to drastically change the dynamic of the entire family and I'm unsure if it'll be for the better or not.
I know damn well feelings are going to get hurt.... because raw emotions are going to burst forth from at least half of us. This chat has been a long time coming. I'm just anxiously awaiting to find out the intention behind her change. The intention behind this suggestion.
I want to believe she has changed for the better. So bad. But last time I thought that, I was stabbed in the back and couldn't trust a 2nd time. I just couldn't. So we will see what all happens. It'll probably be when we all meet for the holidays tbh.
family gathering are awkward as hell
more reasoning unhealthily relate to charlie and tori spring