Traumatized - Tumblr Posts - Page 3
Spring awakening
It's beginning to warm up a little, and that does have a tendency to help pull me out of a rut. I had the windows open a bit and was enjoying the fresh, cool air.
Until, of course, I heard the sound of his motorcycle in the neighbourhood. At least I think it was his. I got accustomed to recognizing the different hums each machine made, and I could pick his out easily enough last summer.
The sound used to thrill me; now it brings me nothing but dread and reminds me how easily he could appear out of nowhere this season. So much for a pick-me-up.
The windows are closed again.
Tried a self defense course tonight. Realized i am not ready to have people touch me.
Particularly not cishet white men. And particularly not around the throat.
I don't really have any combative training experience, but it it strikes me as irresponsible to be grabbing your students by the throat in the first 15 minutes of your first class.
You're teaching self defense. To women. Does it not seem likely you'll have some trauma survivors?
Tried a self defense course tonight. Realized i am not ready to have people touch me.
Particularly not cishet white men. And particularly not around the throat.
I am not terribly social at work, but i used to be on friendly terms with one of my coworkers before they switched employers. Two years ago their spouse had an accident; the spouse and a friend blew up a shed they were inside of.
I don't know the story well mostly because the two didn't remember much of what happened. They were using propane for something and one of them absentmindedly lit a joint. Both were lucky to be alive.
My response when I found out was probably normalish:
" I'm so sorry! That must have been so scary! Are they ok? Are you okay? Are your kids okay? Is there anything you need? How can I help?"
His response? "What a fucking moron. You can't be friends with someone who chooses to continue to be with that idiot."
So he wanted my friend to leave their partner while they were laying in a hospital bed after having been thrown 30+ feet by an explosion. Burnt, broken and taumatized. All because one of them made an error and as if the horrifying consequences of that mistake weren't sufficient 'punishment,'
And my friend who spent the subsequent weeks healing and helping their lover get back on their feet was an "idiot" and a "fool". And was " no friend of [mine]."
If that doesn't summarize his capacity for compassion I don't know what would.
Unwanted Visitor
Tw - csa;
I melted down today.
My uncle who decided to stick his tongue down my throat when I was 13, and asked me if I wanted to fuck my uncle is coming to visit. And staying with my parents. I currently live with my parents.
My folks were not aware of the shit he did. My mother asked me how I felt about him coming and i said that I didn't know. Then in a moment of .... Fucking ... Something i told her he'd been ' inappropriate ' with me. And i would not be staying with him while he was there.
She responded by insisting i talk about what happened - I didn't. And when I said I was a little girl she said " well, you weren't that little... "
I.... Cant. I have barely enough cranial to deal with one crisis. I cannot handle another situation now.
I also haven't worked through this one at all with a therapist. It was buried real deep. REAL DEEP. Under a great deal of shame - because i think i told him that i did, i may have flirted back and feel somewhere that this was something I had asked for.
Fucked up relationships with men? Gosh, wonder where that came from...
Flashback
He tried to push me out of his car while driving 80 km an hour.
He was cruel and I was crying. I had put my face out the window into the night air to try to stop crying and feel better.
In one smooth motion he undid my seatbelt and grabbed my door handle.
Had I not shifted suddenly at his abrupt undoing of my seatbelt his hand may never have slipped off the door handle preventing it from opening properly.
My crime? Someone might have seen me.
What's worse is that as I am writing this out my brain is saying " Well he probably only did that to scare you because you were upsetting him. He wouldn't have actually pushed you out..."
Flashback
He tried to push me out of his car while driving 80 km an hour.
He was cruel and I was crying. I had put my face out the window into the night air to try to stop crying and feel better.
In one smooth motion he undid my seatbelt and grabbed my door handle.
Had I not shifted suddenly at his abrupt undoing of my seatbelt his hand may never have slipped off the door handle preventing it from opening properly.
My crime? Someone might have seen me.
Setback
I’m driving around tonight in a bit of a state. My brain is doing a running inventory of Horrible Things That Have Happened and the Horrible People Who Have Done It.
There is so much, and all I can think is that I must be making at least some of this up. There is no way I could have encountered so many monsters.
No one could really have this many horror stories to tell.
Bad week.
You can usually gauge my current mental health state based on the frequency of my posts.
More posts = more cranial chaos.
This is really humiliating.
And slightly disgusting.
I have a hang up with seeing people on the toilet and vice versa. I know it’s not common for someone to really like that, but often couples or close friends sort of ‘get over it’ and do it if the situation demands.
I can’t. It makes my skin crawl. Multiply it by 1000 if they are pooping.
He took every possible opportunity to force me to come in to the bathroom while he was taking a dump. Be it he was out of tp or he just wanted to tell me something.
He walked in on me a handful of times. I felt vulnerable and powerless most of the time, but never so much as those moments.
He knew this. He knew I hated it so much. He knew it would drive me to drink and that it actually made me cry once. Even now I’m having to break to pace the floor. But he thought it was funny. He also liked that I’d have to smell his shit.
I am so angry.
I am speechless.
So I blog about being physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially and sexually abused by my ex, as well as a series of other traumas I’ve survived at the hands of violent, predatory, aggressive, and misogynist men. There’s really no mistaking it; I tag the shit out of this thing.
And THIS is the sponsored ad on my dash? Really @staff ? WTF?!
Speaking of cutting it off...
The man I was referring to in my second to last post was insufferable in general. However the last part was particularly triggering with the “cutting it off” thing
One time, he went into the bathroom with two knives after threatening to cut his penis off.
You see, in the correspondence he read between me and the men I cheated with, I "got back” at him by saying rude things about him. I was angry, hurt, feeling helpless, and I got some juvenile satisfaction out of trashing his “manhood”. I said he was small and that he didn’t satisfy me. In reality, he was quite average and he didn’t satisfy me, but that had nothing to do with his hardware.
I felt I was the cause of all this distress (and he, of course, reinforced this later). He’d also threatened to kill himself. What I didn’t seem to qualify is that he’d also threatened to maim and kill me that day.
Even knowing he could turn those knives on me, and that I would be in close quarters with someone who was in the mindset of cutting off a part of his body, I ran into that room screaming. I think I slipped and fell on the way in, but I managed to get in before he could block me out.
I talked him into handing the knives over to me, but only after being berated for screaming (didn’t I know the neighbours might hear?), and threatened to be gutted a few times - verbally and with violent, threatening gestures.
Remembering this has made my whole body shudder and quake. I wonder at my luck, sometimes; how on earth did I survive this man?
.
I've been co-authored without my consent.
Two of the symptoms of ptsd and cptsd that have been the hardest to swallow are the lack of focus and the inability to "get into" or enjoy anything.
I was once an avid reader; I'd polish off a book a day if I could. Now it's a struggle to get through a chapter or two.
He has changed the very fabric of who I am.
Friends. I am sorry.
A little over a week ago I was going through a strong " missing him" phase. At those times I try to reread some of my old posts to snap out of it.
This one is a gem.
IT WAS THAT BAD
When we were working on the basement last summer, he got some concrete work done. So there was some time where the floor in the basement was all broken up. He told me if I kept upsetting him he’d bury my body there and cover me up with concrete.
No one would ever know.
Moving Parts.
Our next home after the place in the county was the house we purchased. It should have been an exciting time, but I dreaded everything about it. I pushed away all of the clear bad thoughts, but every part of me knew this was a horrible idea.
So I dragged my feet packing. This led to one of the worst moments of violence.
One of our last nights before moving out he lost it. He was angry he was doing most of the packing. It was true; I tried to argue that a lot of what I had to pack we still needed (kitchen stuff, etc) and that I was furious when he started packing my things. I attempted to stand my ground.
My brain fogged this up pretty good. I remember being dumbfounded by his rage and that this was actually happening to me.
He kicked my legs up from underneath me. He threw me up against the wall. He choked me. He lifted me up off the ground by my neck and spitscreamed in my face. He threw me over boxes of our things causing damage we had to lie about later. He tackled me to the ground, smashed my head off of it and then kicked me multiple times as he got up. He punched me in the stomach.
He chased me into the kitchen and warned me to stay away from him because he couldn’t control himself.
I don’t remember at all how this situation resolved, and I have no idea what lies I told myself to get into bed with him that night.
When my phone rings, i get tense. If it's a number I don't recognize, I panic.
Another one of those things people think I should just be 'over.'
Oooo. It's going to be a bad one tonight.
Amazing
Tw - sexual assault
I had a fling with a boy who lived two doors over when i was in highschool. We met up for sex once and a while. I usually snuck in his bedroom window.
Once when we were 16, he tried to fist me despite me being adament and vocal that this was not something I wanted or was enjoying. He failed and I squirmed away.
He just moved back in with his parents too. Meaning we, once again, live two doors away from one another.
Amazing.