Setback

Setback

I’m driving around tonight in a bit of a state. My brain is doing a running inventory of Horrible Things That Have Happened and the Horrible People Who Have Done It.

There is so much, and all I can think is that I must be making at least some of this up.  There is no way I could have encountered so many monsters.

No one could really have this many horror stories to tell.

from girl of the earth by katy maxwell 

This is far too positive for how I'm feeling today but I like it anyway.

Cishet man makes woman extremely uncomfortable: volume 2318864314652217

I am a woman out after dark, so we all know I was asking for it, but this guy was something else. I was cruising on my phone on a bench in my city’s downtown.

Enter overly confident stranger stage right who invites me for a drink at a bar.  I hesitate for half a second which of course he takes to mean yes. 

Man: Of course you do, come on, we’re going. 

He’s invited me to one of my regular haunts, and it’s not far from where I parked, so I reluctantly agree at his insistence.  I order my usual and have to explain that I don’t drink.  He looks dejected for a moment.

Man: Maybe I should stop drinking too.

Uh huh.  Some chitchat was pleasant enough, then after some silly back and forth about “honesty” (”I have to be honest, I’m an engineer.  Do you hate me?  *eyeroll*) I let him know that I’m queer.  Silly me, thinking that this would shut his ass down.

He “doesn’t get” queer. So I, thinking his question was genuine, attempt to explain that it’s handy for those of us who don’t fit under the first four letters of the alphabet soup.  An umbrella term of sorts.

He asked about my sexuality personally.  This was a bit presumptuous I though.  However I explained that I am pansexual, and what that means.  

Man: So you’re still attracted to men!

Me: ...theoretically.  However my experiences have made me uninterested in men.

Man: Just experiences did that?  You can’t overcome them?

Me:  *a little more firmly* ... I don’t do men.

Man:  So tell me, do you find me attractive?

Me:  *takes a deep breathe*

Man:  No, no, I guess you don’t.  Don’t tell me.  I don’t want to hear it.

Me:  You are an attractive person.  I just don’t like men.

Man:  So what would make me attractive to you? 

Me:  ....  you could start with not being a man?

Man:   Well, maybe I should try to be a woman.  Or nonbinary.  Maybe I am a woman.  Or nonbinary.  I might like it.  I’ve never tried it. 

Me:  .... it’s not like.. trying gin for the first time...

Man:  but I’ve never tried it!

Me:  ... That’s not the way it works.

Man:  Do you want me to cut if off?

Me:  This is getting weird.

Man:  It sure is.  Do you have a knife on you?

Me:  Please... don’t.  I have to go to the washroom.

I told him I needed to be up for work in the morning, thanked him for the drink and ducked out despite his protestations 

Man: “Don’t you want to chill or something?”

No.  I didn’t.  I don’t.  My sexuality is not a whim or a joke or whatever you were trying to make it.  Furthermore, the gall of trying to continue to get me to fuck you after I’ve straight up told you I’m not interested is coercion  and I’m not interested in being with someone who can’t take a hint glaring, obvious note.  

I didn’t say any of the last bit, and I wish I had.  But  I’m proud that I got myself out of there.  It’s progress.  The old me would have suffered through that interaction further with the guilt of him having bought me a $1.75 drink. I may have even let him have me.

Not this time.  Not anymore.

Flashback

He tried to push me out of his car while driving 80 km an hour.

He was cruel and I was crying. I had put my face out the window into the night air to try to stop crying and feel better.

In one smooth motion he undid my seatbelt and grabbed my door handle.

Had I not shifted suddenly at his abrupt undoing of my seatbelt his hand may never have slipped off the door handle preventing it from opening properly.

My crime? Someone might have seen me.

Not My Future

He had very specific goals.  By 30, he wanted to have a career, a woman, a new car, a house, x amount of money in the bank. We achieved these goals together

He never ever set plans in place based on my goals.  Mostly because he didn’t know what they were.  Goals are a really hard thing to have as a survivor, especially when still in the relationship.  

But I still had a few ideas.  I wanted to travel.  I wanted to have a career where I genuinely helped people.  I wanted to be happy. 

The look he gave me told me I was foolish. "And that's why we don't let you make the decisions."