Recovery Isnt Linear - Tumblr Posts

I've been co-authored without my consent.

Two of the symptoms of ptsd and cptsd that have been the hardest to swallow are the lack of focus and the inability to "get into" or enjoy anything.

I was once an avid reader; I'd polish off a book a day if I could. Now it's a struggle to get through a chapter or two.

He has changed the very fabric of who I am.

I won’t say that I am ashamed that my heart strings still get pulled when I think of the things he suffered.  So much of what I’ve read makes me think that as a survivor I’m supposed to be as cold toward him as he was to me.

I can’t do that.  I loved this man, and the things that haunted him, haunted me.  And I can mourn for the life he may have had if things had been different.

The difference is, rereading these posts, my heart swells for him, but there is no longer the urge to run over and sweep him into a hug he’d probably reject. I won’t accept the shit he’s endured justifying what he did to me.  

That is progress.

Learned Behaviour

His dad was abusive. Violent. And his father before him.

Once he asked his dad for money for a field trip and his dad threw him into a wall so hard he went through the drywall and ended up in his sister’s closet.

He wasn’t born with these skills.

His mother told him when he was in highschool that regardless of what happened, she would always back her husband over him.

He wasn’t born cold.

I know exactly where he comes from.

I just woke up in my bed. In our bed. The paint,the furniture, the sounds. All our home. i could feel his leg against mine.

I wish i could say repulsion is what I feel. It's longing.

Another Checkpoint

Five years out of that house today.

Took two more to rid him from my life.  As of tomorrow it has been 156 weeks no contact.

Life is completely different, and I am so utterly grateful.