No Contact - Tumblr Posts
Fucking here we go again.
I Got A New Phone
I'm playing around with the ring tones, attributing specific ones to my regular people.
The tone I used for texts from him was in the list of possibilities. When I heard it my stomach dropped and I broke out into a sweat.
Does this shit ever stop?
Reminder: It’s been 74 weeks of no contact.
I am still here carving out a future of my own.
And I can breathe freely now.
Every day I remind myself that I should mourn for the past I lost to him and not the future I think I’ve lost without him.
It's been 105 weeks since I last contacted him.
His last text to me was nearly two years ago. Every unrecognized number that calls still makes me sweat, but I have found peace living out from underneath his thumb.
Look at you, living everyday without the person you thought you needed.
Another Checkpoint
Five years out of that house today.
Took two more to rid him from my life. As of tomorrow it has been 156 weeks no contact.
Life is completely different, and I am so utterly grateful.
I have gone 194 weeks without contacting him.
Unfortunately, I still think about him often, but everytime I do I try to remember to take a deep breath and focus on exhaling fully.
It releases my chest muscles; a thing that I could never do with him.
The memories I have of him and the abuse blur and refocus seemingly at random, so it can be difficult to consciously remember a specific thing at a given time.
But that feeling of my ribs being seemingly sewn shut endures and serves as the reference point for my progress.
It's been 194 weeks and I can breathe now.
Someone should address the people who say hateful things and make cartoonishly bad arguments. But I'm not that someone.
There are professionals and people much smarter than me to take out that trash.
I lived with an abuser for a decade; I recognize manipulation and when someone isn't arguing in good faith.
They use the same tactics. So I'll deal with them the way I dealt with the abuser.
Sometimes I wonder why my dad thinks I left.
Maybe he thinks it was because I didn't want to do chores when I was tired of his wife getting mad at me for forgetting, even when I'd do it the moment I was reminded. My undiagnosed depression ruined my memory and they refused to accept that.
Maybe he thinks it's because we'd go out for dinner every week when the real problem was that he'd force me to go out when I was already exhausted from school and get upset at me when I tried to text my friends.
Maybe he thinks it's because I'm selfish, or I'm young and stupid, and one day I'll come crawling back. He would be wrong, but I've been curious for a while now.
When it comes to going no-contact, "the missing missing reasons" are actually pretty damn funny as an idea. Like your family completely erases the actual reasons you cut them out from their consciousness and are left grasping at straws, baffled by why you ever made that choice, because the straws are absurd.
My family never understood the concept of respecting boundaries, asking "can you please not do that specific thing at this specific time, any other time will do but can I have this specific thing here" is just empty static to them. I hate yardwork and need silence in the morning to wake up properly, so every summer weekend when mom had planned a whole day of yardwork, she'd start prattling about everything that needs to be done today before I'd woken up.
Not being allowed to wake up properly feels the same like when you fall on a trampoline and everyone else keeps jumping so you can't get up. All I need is like 10-15 minutes of no talking and then I'm up and capable of processing words, but if I'm not allowed to have that, I'll be fucked for the whole day. I'd ask her "can we please talk about this after I've had my coffee, we can go through all of this after I'm finished having breakfast."
And she'd go "oh yeah sure of course" and then continue to talk about all the yardwork that needs to be done, starting from where she left off like she heard nothing. The part where I tried to set a boundary in order to have space to decompress and recover in order to tolerate her better is completely missing, she might aknowledge that she was asked to stop talking for 15 minutes and elected to ignore it. And if I ever set hard boundaries, that would come as a complete unexpected shock because I had ~never communicated~ my needs or boundaries before. And then they're immediately dismissed and ignored as unreasonable attempts at domestic tyranny.
I can picture her telling a sob story to a stranger about how her unreasonable son has not spoken to her in over a year, for no other reason than because she wouldn't stop talking about yardwork. And having a politely nodding stranger quietly wonder "damn, how fucking annoying is this woman?"
Sooooo just went no contact with my dad. Something I've realized is that he doesn't consider other people's feelings. Idk if he just doesn't care or if he never learned empathy, but it's not my place as his child to fix that. And I should not have to suffer his ineptitude to salvage our already strained relationship. The final straw was him insulting me when I tried to voice my feelings towards him. It sucks that I don't have a dad that cares about me. I'm thankful he wasn't worse than what he was, but my childhood is stained by my fear of him. I'll never get that back, and I'm not gonna let him continue to manipulate me so he can have whatever kind of relationship he wanted with me.
I want to slowly undress you until you’re laid out in front of me completely naked, waiting for me, wanting me and my touch… I want to touch you, softly and gently at first. Slowly running my nails and finger tips up your body as I set you on fire for more.
Can you feel me? From here to there… teasing you as my fingers play over your ankles, up your legs, smiling to myself because your eyes are closed as your legs part; an invitation and a plea at the same time. I know you’re wet for me already. I know you want my mouth on you and me inside of you.
You have to wait though. Patience is rewarded. My nails rake up your thighs, grip your hips and pulled you towards me; down the bed. I love how your body reacts to my touch, your back arching and your trembling as I move my hands over your stomach and up to your chest.
My palms graze over your chest, teasing you still, always, before finding the most sensitive spots on your neck and the outline of your ears, then up into your hair with my nails. You whimper, one hand over your mouth, the other gripping your pillow or the sheet or me - without thought, just needing to anchor yourself.
My hand wraps around your neck and I growl softly when you lift your head - giving me more - trusting me, resisting the urge to choke you harder, I let go and lay kisses over neck instead, biting your shoulder, lightly marking you.
My mouth follows the trail that my hands just blazed, but in reverse… taking extra time on my favorite spots - the dip of your neck, across your chest - flickering my tongue, sucking softly, then harder; I love to feel your hands in my hair, pulling me harder against you or holding me in place when I find the perfect spot(s).
The hallow by your hip, your inner thigh - I can’t resist biting you there and you’re already doing your best to be quiet… but cannot and I love your lack of control. I pause, just for a second, letting you regroup because I also know what comes next. Soft kisses down your stomach, gently moving your legs farther apart, spreading you open for me - you’re a fucking work of art and you’re mine to play with at the moment; it boggles my damn mind. I don’t get lost in that thought as I taste you and fight to not whimper myself.
You taste so fucking divine, I can’t decide if I want to focus on worshiping your clit or fuck you with my tongue (two things are true dammit!). My arms wrapped around your thighs, locking you against me, as my tongue flickers against your clit and my fingers tease you, so wet and ready for me. I don’t want to waste even a drop so move lower, my tongue moving in and out of you.
I’m not stopping, not even when you think you can’t came again - trust me, you can and will; moving between sucking and flickering my tongue around and against your clit and fucking you with my tongue & back again as I slide one, then another finger inside you. Slowly at first, letting you feel me; knowing I won’t hurt you unless you ask me to, that I only want to give you pleasure with a slight edge of pain. Moving my fingers faster and deeper, curling softly and gently to hit the spots the drive you crazy. My tongue swirling around and flickering against your clit.
I just want you to cum, over and over again for me. Give me what I want, cum all over my face as I fuck until you can’t think, can’t walk, can’t even form sentences.
we can’t leave each other alone…