Life Rant - Tumblr Posts

I’m 26 this month and I’m a uni student in a degree that combines all my passions in one. It took me 8 years to figure out what I loved. Had I took the shitty advice people give you at 17/18, I would’ve become a psychologist, which I’m sure I would’ve been good at but I found out it’s not my passion. I would have a degree in something I’d grow loathing for while longing for passions unknown. I wouldn’t have had the time to reflect on my thoughts and actions that led me down this path.

Kids, if it takes you a decade to figure this shit out, then take a decade. 20 isn’t old, and neither is 30. Keep trying things out, of course, keep furthering your life and being productive, but if you don’t have an answer for who you want to be for the rest of your life in your teens, don’t let other people tell you what you should be.

Try out new things until you find something you love, then grind your skills in it until you’re good enough to make money from it or go to uni for it (if you truly want to! A good portfolio can get you very far without uni in a lot of cases! Research what minimum qualifications you need thoroughly, not just the first result on google). Please, don’t be pressured into doing a degree you aren’t excited to do. Yes, the excitement will likely wane after it gets harder, but if it’s truly for you you’ll stick through it.

Self-reflection should be a skill taught in schools, but unfortunately it isn’t, so you’ll need to develop it yourself. It’ll hurt, but you’ll grow so much.

Please don’t rush life, it’s not a super Mario 64 speed run, the only person you’re in competition with is yourself, and don’t expect to be the same level of productive every day, be gentle and patient with yourself. /end rant

I think that when we tell teenagers that their lives will be over if they don't have the most perfect possible trajectory through the education system, that this is, perhaps, if I may be bold, not good for them,

This makes me think... so the public school system in Australia actually intends to make people hate learning and therefore go get a low paying job and stay in poverty and therefore submissive to the upper class... Also, by this logic our government system is designed to keep the poor in poverty, keep them in shitty jobs or not having one at all, beating them down either way, ruining their self esteem, driving people to literally unalive themselves (see: centrelink robodebt, it was a real thing a couple years ago and had a lot of casualties), drive up the prices of housing and food to the point people are living on the actual streets while the rich get richer and more tax exemptions, systematically breaking down the average person until they're completely submissive, and if you want to have a chance of escaping this cycle and go to uni for something you can make money off, you'll likely be in debt to the government for the rest of your life and you're at their mercy because they could turn around and demand that money back at any moment or even create more debt just like the robodebt hell that Aussies went through a while back. This society is designed to benefit the rich, keep down the poor, keep the poor uneducated and hating the very thing that'll get them out of it (learning), stop them from thinking about just how hard they're getting fucked by the system, while the rich slowly siphon every cent of funding from things that belong to the public such as the NDIS, public hospitals, and public schools into subsidies and benefits for the already rich, the greedy fuckers that keep demanding more for no other reason than that they just *want it*. Also, the public mental health system is designed to break down down mentally ill people until they can't take it anymore and either give up or unalive themselves, breaking them down with medications that don't work and drug them up to their eyeballs to keep them placated and obedient to the system. The psych wards are designed to be violent, awful places, leading people to either spend what little they have on private health insurance (hence the minor subsidies that make it slightly more affordable), but even then they're not much better most of the time and are still designed to break down the mentally ill because they're "unstable" and are probably the most likely to lead a riot against the system and therefore need to be controlled the most. Meanwhile, politics and ideologies are mostly distractions that are meant to keep us fighting with each-other, to stop us from uniting against the system and tearing it down once and for all and making one that actually benefits the general public and not the greedy rich motherfuckers that pay to train themselves and their offspring to more easily fuck the rest of us over. That's one hell of a theory, dude.

this is so on the nose

[ID: post by The Garantine quoting the start of a wikipedia article

Very tired of hearing about what the intentions are. If a system constantly produces a different outcome than the one it is "intended" for then it's perfectly reasonable to assume the actual intention is the outcome it continues to produce.

beginning of quoted article below reads as follows:

The purpose of a system is what it does

The purpose of a system is what it does (POSIWID) is a systems thinking heuristic coined by Stafford Beer, who observed that there is "no point in claiming that the purpose of a system is to do what it constantly fails to do." The term is widely used by systems theorists, and is generally invoked to counter the notion that the purpose of a system can be read from the intentions of those who design, operate, or promote it. When a system's side effects or unintended consequences reveal that its behavior is poorly understood, then the POSIWID perspective can balance political understandings of system behavior with a more straightforwardly descriptive view.

ID ends]

And this is ALSO needed to read at the butt crack of dawn on a Monday morning! Now I have the much needed motivation to just do what I know needs to be done without anymore delay. Enough is Enough already with ALWAYS seeking "love" and "validation" etc etc in others. I've gone majority of my young adult life ALWAYS putting the people i wanted love from....on a flicking pedestal. Bending myself into a damn pretzel trying to get them to see I'm worthy....worthy of their time, love, energy, respect etc etc. Spending countless amounts of money on them ("spare no expense"-as John from jurassic park always said) to see how much of a down ass woman I am, and all they ever did was take without so much as a heartfelt thank you. When I needed things for myself, I put it off just to please the other person's wants and needs. Well this post was precisely what I needed this morning. 👏

Fuck them typos. I said wtf I said.

& that’s on that!

I am... so tired. Both simulatenously love and despise my job rn it's a great time

Using the void that is the tags to vent pls ignore lol

Excuses, Excuses

I do not want to be one of those people who come onto tumblr over and over again with some excuse as to why I’m not around. I know I’ve never shared my imagines/fics on here so there isn’t much reason to come visit my profile anyway - but I’m sort of considering this my ‘proof of life’/rant-box since I don’t have another platform for it. 

To all of the amazing authors I follow, I want to say thank you. I don’t get much tumblr time but when I do I try to squeeze in a quick fic or two. 

Life has been one giant clusterfuck lately, not so much for me but my grandmother with whom I’m roommates with. Blah-blah-long story that doesn’t sound true anyway - Nana took me in when I was 11 and raised me. We’ve always had a special bond, I was named after her even. The last six years feel like they’ve been blow after blow and most recently she’s begun to display cognitive issues. Her parents both died young and her brother drank himself to death so we’re in total uncharted territory when it comes to health conditions. 

In August/Sept I took six weeks off from work to ‘recharge’ - I’d hoped I’d be able to read to my heart’s content and relax but it was really anything but. For a while I was afraid I was slipping into a depressive episode because of it all. I’ve battled anxiety/panic disorders since I was 16 and since then found that I ‘fit the bill’ for a few other psychiatric conditions. I’ve also come to live my life - it’s hard to explain. I see my role in life is to be the guard, to take the beating (verbal not physical) one family member lashes out with to save another. Even during my worse bout of depression I’d get up and go to work because that’s what I’m here for - to make money to afford the house payments to continue to live in the place that has become our home. I liken it to that of a toy soldier or just someone stupid enough to be the punching bag and just put up with it. 

I won’t bore anyone with the details but I had a very mentally/emotionally abusive childhood which seems to have fostered what I’ve become. I need to be in constant control, I need to have a plan in place in case I need it, I need to be there for everyone else… Again this isn't meant to be a woe is me, more just a rant. With all of the stress I’ve been having this last year or so I’ve fallen away from my friends, of which I have three. I met them all online and since I’ve met two of them in person too. I don’t date. I ‘dated’ two coworkers at different times throughout the years only to be left with a gigantic pile of emotional/mental abuse at the end that I just put up with because of multiple reasons; my station in life to take a beating, my fear that I’ll never find anyone else. It’s ironic that I didn't get self esteem / self worth issues until I was in my twenties. Totally skipped that phase in school. I won't bother writing out everything that I find wrong, it would be a futile effort; but if life has shown me anything it’s how to be alone. To stand back, wish and pine but to know that there’s a chance I’ll never have any of that. Physically I'm probably on-par or worse that Steve Rogers pre-serum - of course not that I'm skinny, heck I'm not even able to be considered ‘thick but fit’. I digress. It's not just the physical, it’s the mental illnesses, the eating disorder, a fucking laundry list of physical issues…

I found an interview Dustin Hoffman gave regarding his movie Tootsie that never fails to put me in tears because I can identify so strongly as one of those ‘interesting women’:

It was at that moment I had an epiphany, and I went home and started crying. Talking to my wife, I said I have to make this picture, and she said, "Why?" And I said, "Because I think I am an interesting woman when I look at myself on screen. And I know that if I met myself at a party, I would never talk to that character because she doesn't fulfill physically the demands that we're brought up to think women have to have in order to ask them out." She says, "What are you saying?" And I said, "There's too many interesting women I have…not had the experience to know in this life because I have been brainwashed." https://youtu.be/yuaiR89iofE  

But through it all, Nana has been my closest friend and confidant. So when she makes up someone who isn’t there, or thinks the house we live in isn't ours - it’s made me lose the one person in the universe who could be *that* person. The person you confide in, you rant to, you cry on - the person that holds you up when you need it. And I need to be there for her because she was always there for me. Because I am the Sin Eater. This is what my purpose is in life, to cast all things aside because someone else needs something.

My weekly routine generally consists of early mornings, horrible traffic, a job that can be chaos and draining, more traffic and home. I want to hide out because I’m so exhausted from my day, but I can’t neglect Nana who usually has had no human contact for most of the day. How do I sit and read? Sit and write? More and more often my weekends are spent trapped in bed because I push too hard all week and my body can’t take it. And trust me folks, reading tumblr in bed can be dangerous. I’ve dropped my cellphone on my own face so many times.

So that’s it. That’s my rant. My ‘excuse’ for being in and out, for chatting along and then vanishing. I look back at my life, when I stayed in regular touch with my best friends, when I had inspiration to sit and write or pick up a book and current!me wonders how past!me did it all. You’d think that now, with very little contact with my friends, with an AWOL muse and a desire to sleep over read how in the hell did I use to fit it all in?

I’m hoping to figure it out one day. Not sure when that will be, I’m turning 32 next week and there’s an endless sea before me of just continuing to be this ghost in a shell. But when the stars align and I’m able to sneak in bits and pieces of fic or art it means so much to me. To be drawn into a universe far, far away or imagine that someone like Steve Rogers or Bucky Barnes would ever even notice my existence…but sometimes even that’s hard considering I’m just an ‘interesting woman’.