Jokes - Tumblr Posts
My friends be like: yeah we are going places!
Yeah to the asylum with each other as we are cool (crazy) .
Remember when Matpat found where the Simpsons lived (Springfield) , I also found Springfield it was in a mall in Croatia (I'm on vacation btw)
I was at school today and a boy stole somebody else’s cookie and told the other kid “nuh-uh-uh. You need to say the special word!” As the other kid was trying to get his chocolate cookie back. The boy refused and then said “ C’mon, just say please daddy, and I’ll give you your cookie.” The Kid muttered “please daddy.” And was told to say it louder. Meanwhile, I was just trying to eat my baked beans with the rest of my psychotic friends. I’m scarred for life.
I remember having this thing I would do called COCWC, which stands for Cosplaying Original Characters Without Costumes. My dad told me to think of something that rolled off the tongue better.
And me, being 9 years old and being oblivious to it all, said that I should now call it-
“Cock-Wak” (it was just adding all the letters together to make a random word)
We just stuck with COCWC.
I wholly believe that I could have a sitcom. Why? My life is both crappy and hilarious at the same time, also known as ✨️peak comedy✨️.
Characters include 1, Me: Asexual Teen Blogger Beginning Cosplayer Homeschooler, 2, My Weirdass Besties: A. Pansexual Gymnast with Mommy Issues, B. Heterosexual Dragon Enthusiast Introvert, and C. Genderfluid Chinese K-pop Stan who loves the band Ghost, 3, My Parents: Business Director Mom who is divorcing my Dad, ADHD DnD DM who is allergic to cats and yet pets every cat he sees, and 4, my Grandma: Old Christian lady who used to be a Seamstress who laughs at my mom and my sex jokes.
And featuring Siblings: Anger Issues Gamer who is currently obsessed with FNAF, and Feral Cat How To Train Your Dragon Obsessive Sociopath who has a hyperfixation on Squishmallows.
I need a title.
I must be high or smth because I just looked down at my black camo cropped tank top and saw a piece of blue lint on it and thought it was a tiny mouse.
I also have a Velveeta Cheese mustache. Screw you, shells n' cheese.
MY BROTHER JUST SCREAMED "MEDS!" AND RAN HEADFIRST INTO MY ELBOW. HE THEN PROCEEDED TO FALL OFF THE SIDE OF THE BED AND SING THE FNAF THEME.
we then had to convince my mom to let me shitpost abt it on Tumblr.
yet another post abt my mom
My mother used to attend Trinity University in Chicago, Illinois. In her last semester living there, she and her roomate, Michelle, decided to break all (most of) the rules.
One of these rules was "Do not steal."
So, she and her friend decided to be ridiculous. They brought my mom's Honda Accord to the campus, grabbed a bench, put it in the car, and drove away.
To this day, we still have that bench. It sat on my front porch until last night, when my mom and I were coming back to that house to get my supplies for fending off Satan's Waterfall. She was reminiscing, and decided to 'steal' the bench from my dad.
She put it in the backseat. I didn't even notice it. So this morning/afternoon/idk, she tells me this story, and shows me the bench, sitting on my grandparents' front patio.
I'm not sure how to feel, honestly. I'm conflicted between finding it hilarious and being impressed.
Things we need to bring back that have faded from popularity for no reason:
The term 'Hark'
Cane swords
The name 'Zebulon'
4-pace duels to the death
Chainsaws being used for giving birth
Doctors having to ask before making a woman infertile (still legal in the US, look it up)
Gladiatorial combat as a public event
Pokemon Go
Bedbugs are great because for the eight or so years of your life, you are told these things exist by your parents, then as an older kid, you think they don't exist because you think that statement "Don't Let the bed bugs bite" was just something people said, but THEN, you come to learn that they ARE real and you gaslit yourself into thinking they weren't based on the premise you were smart enough to decipher a metaphor. And then as soon as you finally learn they're real, you have an encounter with them because irony is a bitch.
Bro, why does life have to be so hard? Like dawg I just wanna listen to my King Crimson and smoke a pipe, wachu mean I gotta 'eat healthy' and 'shower daily'?!? Is my body really that much of a wimp? Homey just use the insane amount of American fat stored in your gut for nutrients.
The existence of real estate implies the existence of a much more affordable, much less painstaking to buy fake estate.
