Excuses, Excuses

Excuses, Excuses

I do not want to be one of those people who come onto tumblr over and over again with some excuse as to why I’m not around. I know I’ve never shared my imagines/fics on here so there isn’t much reason to come visit my profile anyway - but I’m sort of considering this my ‘proof of life’/rant-box since I don’t have another platform for it. 

To all of the amazing authors I follow, I want to say thank you. I don’t get much tumblr time but when I do I try to squeeze in a quick fic or two. 

Life has been one giant clusterfuck lately, not so much for me but my grandmother with whom I’m roommates with. Blah-blah-long story that doesn’t sound true anyway - Nana took me in when I was 11 and raised me. We’ve always had a special bond, I was named after her even. The last six years feel like they’ve been blow after blow and most recently she’s begun to display cognitive issues. Her parents both died young and her brother drank himself to death so we’re in total uncharted territory when it comes to health conditions. 

In August/Sept I took six weeks off from work to ‘recharge’ - I’d hoped I’d be able to read to my heart’s content and relax but it was really anything but. For a while I was afraid I was slipping into a depressive episode because of it all. I’ve battled anxiety/panic disorders since I was 16 and since then found that I ‘fit the bill’ for a few other psychiatric conditions. I’ve also come to live my life - it’s hard to explain. I see my role in life is to be the guard, to take the beating (verbal not physical) one family member lashes out with to save another. Even during my worse bout of depression I’d get up and go to work because that’s what I’m here for - to make money to afford the house payments to continue to live in the place that has become our home. I liken it to that of a toy soldier or just someone stupid enough to be the punching bag and just put up with it. 

I won’t bore anyone with the details but I had a very mentally/emotionally abusive childhood which seems to have fostered what I’ve become. I need to be in constant control, I need to have a plan in place in case I need it, I need to be there for everyone else… Again this isn't meant to be a woe is me, more just a rant. With all of the stress I’ve been having this last year or so I’ve fallen away from my friends, of which I have three. I met them all online and since I’ve met two of them in person too. I don’t date. I ‘dated’ two coworkers at different times throughout the years only to be left with a gigantic pile of emotional/mental abuse at the end that I just put up with because of multiple reasons; my station in life to take a beating, my fear that I’ll never find anyone else. It’s ironic that I didn't get self esteem / self worth issues until I was in my twenties. Totally skipped that phase in school. I won't bother writing out everything that I find wrong, it would be a futile effort; but if life has shown me anything it’s how to be alone. To stand back, wish and pine but to know that there’s a chance I’ll never have any of that. Physically I'm probably on-par or worse that Steve Rogers pre-serum - of course not that I'm skinny, heck I'm not even able to be considered ‘thick but fit’. I digress. It's not just the physical, it’s the mental illnesses, the eating disorder, a fucking laundry list of physical issues…

I found an interview Dustin Hoffman gave regarding his movie Tootsie that never fails to put me in tears because I can identify so strongly as one of those ‘interesting women’:

It was at that moment I had an epiphany, and I went home and started crying. Talking to my wife, I said I have to make this picture, and she said, "Why?" And I said, "Because I think I am an interesting woman when I look at myself on screen. And I know that if I met myself at a party, I would never talk to that character because she doesn't fulfill physically the demands that we're brought up to think women have to have in order to ask them out." She says, "What are you saying?" And I said, "There's too many interesting women I have…not had the experience to know in this life because I have been brainwashed." https://youtu.be/yuaiR89iofE  

But through it all, Nana has been my closest friend and confidant. So when she makes up someone who isn’t there, or thinks the house we live in isn't ours - it’s made me lose the one person in the universe who could be *that* person. The person you confide in, you rant to, you cry on - the person that holds you up when you need it. And I need to be there for her because she was always there for me. Because I am the Sin Eater. This is what my purpose is in life, to cast all things aside because someone else needs something.

My weekly routine generally consists of early mornings, horrible traffic, a job that can be chaos and draining, more traffic and home. I want to hide out because I’m so exhausted from my day, but I can’t neglect Nana who usually has had no human contact for most of the day. How do I sit and read? Sit and write? More and more often my weekends are spent trapped in bed because I push too hard all week and my body can’t take it. And trust me folks, reading tumblr in bed can be dangerous. I’ve dropped my cellphone on my own face so many times.

So that’s it. That’s my rant. My ‘excuse’ for being in and out, for chatting along and then vanishing. I look back at my life, when I stayed in regular touch with my best friends, when I had inspiration to sit and write or pick up a book and current!me wonders how past!me did it all. You’d think that now, with very little contact with my friends, with an AWOL muse and a desire to sleep over read how in the hell did I use to fit it all in?

I’m hoping to figure it out one day. Not sure when that will be, I’m turning 32 next week and there’s an endless sea before me of just continuing to be this ghost in a shell. But when the stars align and I’m able to sneak in bits and pieces of fic or art it means so much to me. To be drawn into a universe far, far away or imagine that someone like Steve Rogers or Bucky Barnes would ever even notice my existence…but sometimes even that’s hard considering I’m just an ‘interesting woman’.

Shout Out Sunday:

My life has recently taken some turns that seem to have left me wandering around blindfolded in a room full of legos and dog toys (ever stepped on a lego or tripped on a honking duck dog toy at 2am while stumbling to the bathroom?). I am fully determined to find time to appreciate the amazing writers I’ve been lucky enough to find/befriend, offer recommendations to some of my favorite fandom hits and who knows, maybe folks will suggest fics/authors! 

The very first Shout Out Sunday goes to @disnerdmermaid! I spent my Sunday evening reading every Poe fic @disnerdmermaid has posted -- again. What can I say, I’m a sucker for whump/hurt/comfort and I feel like I can always count on a nice re-read of her “Fever” series!

Great freaking Princess Leia, how could I have missed this?! This just made my little porg filled heart explode <3 

10 Minute Writing Challenge

Rules:

Write anything for 10 minutes, non-stop

No editing whatsoever

Tag 10 people

I was tagged by @thirst-wars. Thank you for giving me an excuse to actually write this ball of fluff that’s been in my brain! <3

“Papa! Mama’s home!”

Kes smiled at the sheer joy on his 3 year old’s face. That kid was a mama’s boy, through and through. He motioned to the open door. “Well go get her, Poe!”

Poe toddled off as fast as his little legs would carry him, running towards the A-Wing that had just landed. He was so excited to see her again… she’d been gone for forever this time. But he was also nervous. He’d been doing a lot of thinking while she was gone, and had a very important question to ask her. But he was sure she’d say yes… didn’t she always say she’d do anything for him?

As soon as her feet hit the ground, Poe threw himself into her arms with a giggle. “Mama! I missed you!”

“I missed you too little one,” she laughed, mussing the curls on her son’s head. “So, what did you and Papa do while I was gone?”

But Poe ignored her question. His was burning a hole in his mind, and he had to get it out. “Mama, will you marry me?”

Shara smiled. “Oh sweetie, I’m already married to Papa!”

Poe frowned, confused. “But you always tell me you love me mostest in the whole galaxy… so why can’t you marry me too? Is it cause Papa gave you a ring? I can get a ring for you, Mama.”

Standing with Poe in her arms, she began to walk back towards the house. “Baby, I do. I love you more than anything. But I love you differently than I love Papa.”

Poe began to pout, sticking out his bottom lip as far as it would go. “But Mama…”

Shara shifted Poe off her hip, and held him on her stomach so she could look him in the eye. “Poe, there are so many types of love in the world. How you love Papa and I is one. How I love Papa is another. And so is how you love Koyo fruit, and how you love your favorite toy. I promise, you’ll keep finding more ways to love as you get older. And one day, you’ll find someone you love the way I love Papa. And that person is the one you should marry, ok sweetie?”

Poe sighed. “I guess, Mama. You promise I’ll find someone like you found Papa?”

And with the hope in his eyes, she just couldn’t say no.

The sounds of X-Wings landing pulled Poe out of his memories. He quickly scanned the group, and found the ship he was looking for. As she jumped out of her ship, helmet in one hand and short brown hair blowing in the breeze, his heart skipped a beat. He imagined his mom smiling down on him, knowing that he had finally found her. Mustering up all the confidence he could, he strode towards her, holding a small object in his hand.

He was so excited to see her again… she’d been gone for forever this time. But he was also nervous. He’d been doing a lot of thinking while she was gone, and had a very important question to ask her. But he was sure she’d say yes… didn’t she always say she’d do anything for him?

It was 30 years later, and this time would be different than the first.This time, he knew he finally understood what his mom had told him about love. This time, he knew the answer would change the rest of his life. This time, he had a ring.

I’m pretty sure all the lovely writers I follow have been tagged, but if you haven’t a) I’m sorry I didn’t tag you! and b) I would love to see what you have to share :)

True reenactment of me/my life today

Happy Friday indeed! Ever since Infinity War I’ve had an idea to explain why Clint never appears in the film that I’m super proud of, but I haven’t written anything in years.

With the release of the trailer I’m wishing I could still feel as though I could write 😕

Marvel Studios’ Avengers - Official Trailer

These are amazing!

Magic Set: The Mind - The Witch - The Guardian - The Doctor

Tarot cards - 5/???  // day 21: editober  dedicated to: x x x x x