Happy Friday Indeed! Ever Since Infinity War Ive Had An Idea To Explain Why Clint Never Appears In The

Happy Friday indeed! Ever since Infinity War I’ve had an idea to explain why Clint never appears in the film that I’m super proud of, but I haven’t written anything in years.

With the release of the trailer I’m wishing I could still feel as though I could write 😕

Marvel Studios’ Avengers - Official Trailer

This is not only amazing but a reminder.

welcome to the age of female superheroes

If fanfic writers ever needed a charter, this is it.

what are we meant to do after infinity war?

I very much feel as though I’m channeling my inner Luis at the moment because holy geez, give @tintinwrites a request and somehow magic happens! Seriously though, not only do I get to read a Poe fic (YAY!), that takes place in a very SVU-verse (double YAY!) but somehow some of my most inner thoughts/worries are somehow channeled through the heroine of the fic! It’s like you read my mind @tintinwrites!! 

the wasted years | Modern Poe Dameron x Reader

Request: “Modern AU Poe and a couple of coworkers go to a small theater and see PotO (your choice if it’s the play or movie). At the end of the night everyone says their goodbyes and Poe + heroine start walking in the same direction to get to their respective homes. Poe notices the heroine is quieter than normal and finds her emotional over the Phantom’s outcome  (she identifies with him? perhaps self esteem about her looks or just having zero luck in finding love, <insert reason here>). Bonus points if somehow their attraction to one another comes out and they get together!” from @imaginecrushes

A/N: I like it when people let me tap into my love of PotO! Also, why do I keep imagining them being part of SVU that MAKES NO SENSE

Rating: T

Warning: Low self-esteem?

Word count: 1,000, apparently!

Prompt: This is from the above request, but it also falls right into place with ‘Value Me: a drabble about one character telling another how they feel about them’ (requested by an anon from this list of prompts)

Summary: You relate way too much to the Phantom and Poe tells you why you shouldn’t.

The tickets were given to you by someone who was grateful for what your team had done for them; they worked on the show or something and wanted to show their appreciation beyond the mandatory payment.

Leia had no need for them, so she gave them to her ‘four hardest-working team members’ and even went so far as to give you all the night off. Poe fought her, telling her that there were people who needed your help, but she pointed out that there were no cases and that the four of you deserved a night off. If anything came in, she would give it to people who didn’t get as much work, especially Rey, the impressive new girl.

Poe was sulking because he loved his work so much, Finn was excited since he had never seen a musical before, and you and Rose conversed the whole way about how great it was going to be.

And it was great. It was beautiful, and moving, and spectacular, and full of talent.

It also broke your heart. The way the Phantom was mocked and hated all his life, just to give up the one thing that showed him kindness, was portrayed so beautifully. You might have cried, and Poe gently bumped his shoulder into yours, smiling at you.

But it wasn’t just the words, and the music, and the plot, and the wonderful acting that got to you.

You saw a little, tiny, minuscule, small bit of yourself in the Phantom.

Not that you were some insane genius who lived in a cellar and murdered people to get their way, but still.

You understood that loneliness. That ache that came with never being properly loved.

Your family was dysfunctional, of course. Then there were the more romantic relationships in your life; they were few and far between. One in high school, a couple in college, one more before you became busy with your work, and only a few since then.

Most of them were short-lived, and the long term ones weren’t all that great either. They all ended with a broken heart and a lot of tears.

And the one constant in all of them? You.

The one reason for breaking up given to you by each significant other? Something to do with you.

Except for that one relationship in high school. That one had to do with hormones and teenagers’ lack of forgiveness.

Other than that, all you. The lack of a successful relationships left behind a lonely person who laid in their empty bed most nights, wondering how to be more wanted.

“That was awesome,” Finn exclaimed as you left the theater. “Those high notes!”

“Yeah, it was.” Poe had brightened up considerably after realizing that he had the night off for something enjoyable.

“It’s late. Walk me home, Finn?”

“Sure. See you guys tomorrow.”

Finn and Rose walked off, the latter saying something about how the musical showed the effects of a cruel society.

“I’ll walk you home since we, uh, live in the same building.” Poe walked on ahead while you nodded slightly and paused before following, wrapped up in your thoughts.

You did live in the same building, though on different floors.

“Nice night. The show was pretty good, huh? What’d you think? Aside from the part where you cried.” His tone was teasing and his smile dropped when he looked at you. “Hey. What’s wrong?”

You snapped out of your thoughts, looking at him. “What? Nothing. Just thinking.”

“About what? The look on your face…”

“Nothing, just…the Phantom and how…I know he was a bad guy, but I don’t know, he was just so lonely and just…I don’t know.”

“Hey.” He stepped in front of you. “You okay?”

Of course he had to ask that, the one question that could break anyone’s dam when their emotions were trying to get past it. “Oh, fuck, stop. Stop.” You pinched the bridge of your nose, fighting back tears as you quickly moved to sit on a bench. “It’s so stupid.” You gave a small sob.

He sat down next to you, watching you with a frown. “What is it?”

“I get him. Nobody loves him and he’s so alone—oh, God, I identify with a murderer who lives in a basement.” You hurriedly wiped away the tears that were starting to fall.

“How the hell can you identify with him?”

“I’m alone, Poe.” You looked at him. “You know, I’ve had so many relationships, and they all ended with, 'Maybe if you didn’t…’ or, 'Maybe if you had…’. I’m always too much or too little, and I don’t know how to fix it. I try to be a better…person…” Your voice hitched slightly with a sob. “And I still end up in an empty apartment, in an empty bed, with my empty self. I’m all alone because there’s something wrong with me.”

He stayed silent for a long moment. “The only thing wrong with you is that you keep dating assholes.” He held a finger up when you opened your mouth to speak. “You aren’t too much or too little anything. I mean, yeah, you have flaws, but everyone does. Even me.” You laughed softly, he gave you a smirk. “But there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re the funniest, smartest, toughest, most gorgeous person I’ve ever met.”

“You’re just trying to make me happy.”

“No, I’m telling you something I should’ve told you a long time ago, but I was too preoccupied with work. You know how much I’d love coming home to you in my empty bed?”

“Really?” You looked at him hopefully because sweet, sexy Poe was kind of telling you he liked you.

“Really.”

You licked your lips, moving a little closer. “I think you’re the funniest, kindest, bravest, most handsome person I’ve ever met. I never thought you’d ever…”

“Well, I do.” He glanced at your lips.

You closed the distance and kissed him gently.

Shamelessly, your bed wasn’t exactly empty that night.

Excuses, Excuses

I do not want to be one of those people who come onto tumblr over and over again with some excuse as to why I’m not around. I know I’ve never shared my imagines/fics on here so there isn’t much reason to come visit my profile anyway - but I’m sort of considering this my ‘proof of life’/rant-box since I don’t have another platform for it. 

To all of the amazing authors I follow, I want to say thank you. I don’t get much tumblr time but when I do I try to squeeze in a quick fic or two. 

Life has been one giant clusterfuck lately, not so much for me but my grandmother with whom I’m roommates with. Blah-blah-long story that doesn’t sound true anyway - Nana took me in when I was 11 and raised me. We’ve always had a special bond, I was named after her even. The last six years feel like they’ve been blow after blow and most recently she’s begun to display cognitive issues. Her parents both died young and her brother drank himself to death so we’re in total uncharted territory when it comes to health conditions. 

In August/Sept I took six weeks off from work to ‘recharge’ - I’d hoped I’d be able to read to my heart’s content and relax but it was really anything but. For a while I was afraid I was slipping into a depressive episode because of it all. I’ve battled anxiety/panic disorders since I was 16 and since then found that I ‘fit the bill’ for a few other psychiatric conditions. I’ve also come to live my life - it’s hard to explain. I see my role in life is to be the guard, to take the beating (verbal not physical) one family member lashes out with to save another. Even during my worse bout of depression I’d get up and go to work because that’s what I’m here for - to make money to afford the house payments to continue to live in the place that has become our home. I liken it to that of a toy soldier or just someone stupid enough to be the punching bag and just put up with it. 

I won’t bore anyone with the details but I had a very mentally/emotionally abusive childhood which seems to have fostered what I’ve become. I need to be in constant control, I need to have a plan in place in case I need it, I need to be there for everyone else… Again this isn't meant to be a woe is me, more just a rant. With all of the stress I’ve been having this last year or so I’ve fallen away from my friends, of which I have three. I met them all online and since I’ve met two of them in person too. I don’t date. I ‘dated’ two coworkers at different times throughout the years only to be left with a gigantic pile of emotional/mental abuse at the end that I just put up with because of multiple reasons; my station in life to take a beating, my fear that I’ll never find anyone else. It’s ironic that I didn't get self esteem / self worth issues until I was in my twenties. Totally skipped that phase in school. I won't bother writing out everything that I find wrong, it would be a futile effort; but if life has shown me anything it’s how to be alone. To stand back, wish and pine but to know that there’s a chance I’ll never have any of that. Physically I'm probably on-par or worse that Steve Rogers pre-serum - of course not that I'm skinny, heck I'm not even able to be considered ‘thick but fit’. I digress. It's not just the physical, it’s the mental illnesses, the eating disorder, a fucking laundry list of physical issues…

I found an interview Dustin Hoffman gave regarding his movie Tootsie that never fails to put me in tears because I can identify so strongly as one of those ‘interesting women’:

It was at that moment I had an epiphany, and I went home and started crying. Talking to my wife, I said I have to make this picture, and she said, "Why?" And I said, "Because I think I am an interesting woman when I look at myself on screen. And I know that if I met myself at a party, I would never talk to that character because she doesn't fulfill physically the demands that we're brought up to think women have to have in order to ask them out." She says, "What are you saying?" And I said, "There's too many interesting women I have…not had the experience to know in this life because I have been brainwashed." https://youtu.be/yuaiR89iofE  

But through it all, Nana has been my closest friend and confidant. So when she makes up someone who isn’t there, or thinks the house we live in isn't ours - it’s made me lose the one person in the universe who could be *that* person. The person you confide in, you rant to, you cry on - the person that holds you up when you need it. And I need to be there for her because she was always there for me. Because I am the Sin Eater. This is what my purpose is in life, to cast all things aside because someone else needs something.

My weekly routine generally consists of early mornings, horrible traffic, a job that can be chaos and draining, more traffic and home. I want to hide out because I’m so exhausted from my day, but I can’t neglect Nana who usually has had no human contact for most of the day. How do I sit and read? Sit and write? More and more often my weekends are spent trapped in bed because I push too hard all week and my body can’t take it. And trust me folks, reading tumblr in bed can be dangerous. I’ve dropped my cellphone on my own face so many times.

So that’s it. That’s my rant. My ‘excuse’ for being in and out, for chatting along and then vanishing. I look back at my life, when I stayed in regular touch with my best friends, when I had inspiration to sit and write or pick up a book and current!me wonders how past!me did it all. You’d think that now, with very little contact with my friends, with an AWOL muse and a desire to sleep over read how in the hell did I use to fit it all in?

I’m hoping to figure it out one day. Not sure when that will be, I’m turning 32 next week and there’s an endless sea before me of just continuing to be this ghost in a shell. But when the stars align and I’m able to sneak in bits and pieces of fic or art it means so much to me. To be drawn into a universe far, far away or imagine that someone like Steve Rogers or Bucky Barnes would ever even notice my existence…but sometimes even that’s hard considering I’m just an ‘interesting woman’.

All The Hugs

I wanted to take a second to thank some of the lovely folks I’ve met in the past few months as I’ve delved into various fandoms. I say “some of the lovely folks” because it would be impossible to name each and every person who has in some way helped brighten my days. 

The last few months have been particularly hard, I’m burned out and most days I feel like I struggle to stay afloat. My anxiety is frequently in full swing, I have concerns about my health in general and to top it all off, my grandmother, who raised me from the age of 10 (and who I was completely attached to before that), has been suffering from some memory problems. They could be biological, they could be side effects from her medications or her health conditions - we’re not sure. We live together and so I’ve found myself either trying to focus at work or I’m home dealing with strange questions all the while feeling like an asshat for not being a better person. 

tumblr and AO3 have both become little sanctuaries for me. Sometimes I don’t get to follow along in series I adore, or read the newest fic by one of my favorite authors. I try and find time to binge read and catch up but it isn’t always easy. All that said, I just wanted to thank each and every person - tagged or not - for helping to create a place I can escape in for at least a little while. For sharing your amazing talents with the world. For being sweet and funny and so smart. 

@cobalt-one @shenanigans-and-imagines @disnerdmermaid @propertyofpoeandbucky @revengeworld @ofheroesandvillains @bae-b-8-imagines @rebel-scum-stuff @bucky-plums-barnes @captainrogerss @thirst-wars @bad--bad--man @tlittlet @i-said-goddameron @padfootagain @floral-and-fine @myspacepilotpoe