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Found this in my journal

Journal 5 - 7/20/2021

Personal Updates and More

I am going to be really honest and say that I didn't think I would ever get over 100 followers! Thank you all so much for following! It really means a lot to me especially with what I have been going through for the past few months. You are all super fun and I love being able to feel welcome in such a compassionate community of witches and solitary practitioners alike. The energies that I feel when I'm here make me so inspired and motivated to keep learning more in all areas of magick, self care practices, and meditation. I admit I still have a long journey ahead of me but it's all going to make sense in the end.

A few updates: I didn't know that I would get so many requests for my free 3-card tarot readings! It's so wonderful! I'm a little backed up and have to put aside some time after work to complete them one at a time. I use a large amount of energy focusing on these readings and like to keep things detailed and worth while. I know that this process is very time consuming, but I love trying my best to read and interpret the cards to the best of my ability and I feel like the questioner deserves a legitimate response.

I also may be starting a new job soon! Somewhere where I won't be so stressed out and can finally be happy doing what I love doing. The hours won't be so hard on me either.

Moving has been quite a pain in such a short amount of time and I think the main thing I'm having trouble with getting past is finding where everything can go and try not to get bit by any spiders that may now be lurking around my boxes... I tried reaching for some face toner after washing my face and there was a giant, hairy spider hiding in the corner of my bathroom drawer... Not something I wanted to go to bed to...

Anyway, that's really all for now! Once again, if any of you are waiting on a tarot reading please be patient! The spirits and the cards will reveal what they want to reveal and sometimes it takes me quite a while to interpret them decently. Again, if you want a tarot reading please be very specific about your situation and share with me some personal attributes like your star signs and elementals. It's hard for me to get a read specifically for you if you just ask a question. This is the internet and unfortunately I have no way of really speaking face to face to get to know any of you. Thank you so much for your guys' time!

Thank you all you beautiful creatures on here!

RaveMey

Journal 7 - 8/17/2021

So although I have been sick for the last few days, I'm starting to come back slowly. I don't need to stay in bed all day anymore luckily and I'm back on my feet. My coughing still needs to be worked on so I'm hoping the Robitussin takes care of that officially. Today's my last day off from work and I hope to get some stuff planned and taken care of today despite my exhaustion still. (I know I should still rest but my mind is awake and I cannot take another day of doing nothing... it actually annoys the heck out of me.)

Anyway, things have been looking up for me lately, I have a new job that I will be starting soon in September~ I'm hoping this will be a much more positive work environment and won't be completely draining all the time. I'll still be doing the same thing but the new environment has been something I've been after. There are some people in my current work environment that have a vendetta against me for no reason and I can't even reason with them because I don't know what they're mad about. It's grown into such an awful, hateful work atmosphere... And you know it's bad when even in my fever dreams, it's about my hateful coworkers... It's literally driving me to madness. It's funny because I used to get along with everyone perfectly fine, I literally don't know what happened.

Lately I've been planning some extra content, reading up on some books, studying up, trying to come up with a "curriculum" (not quite sure what to call it) for all of you. I feel like I've really been falling flat on my face lately and I apologize... Life is difficult for me right now financially and mentally. I have all these ideas and don't quite know what to do with them yet unfortunately but it'll come to me, I promise.

Stay Blessed,

RaveMey

Journal 8 - 9/3/2021

Hey everyone! I hope you all are doing well! I have been feeling so much better lately, covid was nothing more than a mild flu for me so nothing a whole lot of Nyquil and rest couldn't do. It feels so amazing to have my taste and smell back, you don't realize how much you miss something as simple as taste until it's gone! Anyway, I'm really hoping in the next couple of months things will start getting more on track. It's been a rough almost 4 months now financially, physically, and mentally and sometimes I feel like giving up on everything. But, because I am increasingly strong-willed, I never do.

Been thinking lately that I'll start doing more spell projects, get more interesting witchy books, and post a little more on that aspect. It's just been rough with so many people around. (I don't necessarily get a lot of alone time unfortunately... and when I do I have to be in public at the park or in the mountains). So luckily with my new work schedule things will be changing up here and there, people I live with probably won't enjoy it but things suck to suck I guess. An update on Tarot Readings: I am booked and I thank you all for considering me for your tarot readings! It's just going to take quite a while for me to get through them all~ I thank you all for your patience and I'm glad that some of you find my readings to be super helpful! It means so much to me! All readings are still on a first come-first serve basis~

I also wanted to make this announcement here as well: I now have a Patreon! I put in a lot of time and energy for Tarot Readings, spell and ritual work, and other great things for all witches alike to enjoy. It would be so awesome if you guys came on by to support me there for just a dollar a month! I hope to raise enough money to get more things on the ball for you guys and to hopefully start a YouTube channel or even a podcast!

Journal 9 - 9/29/2021

It's another journal entry time!~ (You guys probably don't like them but I have an important announcement to make.)

Tarot Readings lately have been feeling very repetitive and some I feel like are straight up spam. I've made new requirements for Card Reading submissions here-> https://ravemey.tumblr.com/post/655481934013710336/free-1-card-tarot-readings

Please read through the entire post before submitting a question for Card Readings. Anything that does not meet my requirements will be deleted. I made these rules because there are just too many simple, anonymous questions and it's making it harder for me to get to the legitimate questions and situations some are wishing to be answered. Sorry for any inconvenience.

In other news, I have been slowly catching up on bills and have been in "work only and no play" mode and will most likely be like this throughout most of the month of October unfortunately. I'll try my best to post a little more and see where it takes me. I thank you all for the support and I'm so happy that my blog here has become so big (whether it means anything or not).

I also wanted to make a group chat here for devotional followers of witchcraft, but seeing that Tumblr took away group chats altogether I may have to find some way else to create a chat for everyone.(I’m considering Discord… but unfortunately, since I live under a rock, I don’t know how it works and get too confused on the platform)…

I hope you all have a wonderful end of September and I hope to celebrate Samhain with you all!

Journal Entry | October 2nd.

Being possessed by spirits has become such a part of me that I don’t always realize when I’m pushing too far. Whether it’s the warmth of a benevolent presence or the cold, gnawing dread of something darker, the experience is never quite the same. Each spirit has its own story, its own weight. And when they possess me, I don’t just see their memories—I feel them. Their anger, sorrow, joy, fear. All of it, as if it’s my own.

Sometimes, I’m at the center of their turmoil, reliving their deaths or their greatest regrets. Other times, it’s just glimpses—flashes of moments they can’t let go of, unfinished business they’re desperate to resolve. It’s exhausting. I’m pulled between their emotions and mine, lost in a haze of lives that don’t belong to me. And yet, I can’t turn them away. I’ve tried, but something inside me—this stubbornness, this responsibility—makes it impossible to stop.

Some days, it’s one or two spirits that find their way into me. Other days, it’s a steady stream, each one more desperate than the last. There are weeks where I’m possessed almost constantly, barely able to separate myself from the dead. Those are the hardest. I can feel my body breaking down, my spiritual energy draining until there’s almost nothing left. I always push myself too far. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t seem to stop.

The result is always the same: a fever that burns through me like fire, leaving me bedridden for days, sometimes a full week. It’s like being in a coma, trapped in my own body as it tries to recover from the strain. Three to five days of nothingness. I’m not even sure if I dream during those fevers, or if I’m just gone, floating somewhere between life and death.

I’ve tried to preserve my spiritual energy, to limit how many possessions I allow in a day, or at least to give myself rest between them. But no matter how hard I try, I always end up breaking my own rules. I can usually make it through a month if I’m careful, staying active just enough to keep the fever at bay. But it’s a fragile balance. One wrong move, one spirit too many, and it all comes crashing down.

I tell myself I’ll stop, that I’ll be more cautious. But I don’t. There’s always another spirit, another story. Another piece of someone’s life that needs to be told.

And I keep going, knowing full well that it’s only a matter of time before I’m back in bed, fighting off the fever again.

### Haeseol's Journal Entry

Date: September 27th

It’s been a week since I met Dad. I still can’t believe I can actually say that—Dad. Captain America. The legendary hero. It feels surreal. The whole encounter was a whirlwind of emotions, and honestly, I’m still trying to process it all. I never thought I’d be face-to-face with someone like him, let alone someone who’s supposed to be my father.

He’s everything I imagined and more. He’s strong, kind, and carries this aura of determination that makes you feel safe just being near him. But there’s also a part of me that feels a bit... lost. I keep asking him questions about Mom, wanting to know what she’s like, but he always gives me this vague praise about her heart and willpower. It’s like there’s a wall he puts up whenever I try to dig deeper.

I mean, I get it—finding out you have a child you didn’t know about is a shocker for anyone, but I can’t help but feel a bit abandoned. It’s confusing. What if she doesn’t want to see me? What if she’s scared? I wouldn’t blame her. I know my origins are anything but normal. I’ve got vampire blood running through my veins, and that’s not something just anyone would be okay with. I wonder if that scares her.

I’ve been trying to distract myself with schoolwork and my responsibilities as a shaman, but it’s hard not to dwell on it. There’s this ache inside me—a longing to know her, to understand where I come from and who I am. I wish I could talk to Mom and tell her that I’m not some monster. I’m just a girl trying to figure out how to balance being a shaman, a daughter, and everything else life throws at me.

Dad keeps reassuring me that everything will be okay and that I have the strength to face whatever comes next. I know he believes in me, but I wish I could hear more about her from him. The things he says about her make me think she must be incredible, yet it only deepens my curiosity. Does she think about me? Does she even know what I’ve been through?

I don’t want to pressure him into sharing more than he’s comfortable with, but it’s hard not to feel frustrated. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere, you know?

Right now, all I can do is wait. Wait to see if she wants to meet me, wait to learn more about her, and wait to figure out what this all means for me. Maybe I’ll get lucky. Maybe one day, she’ll be ready to see me, to understand who I’ve become and what I’m capable of.

But for now, I have homework to catch up on, a promise ring to twist around my finger, and a world full of uncertainties ahead. I’ll keep writing and trying to sort through my thoughts. Maybe that’s all I can do for now.

— Haeseol.

Journal Entry | October 7th

There are spirits I can tolerate—the lost souls, the ones who just want to be heard, to find peace. But then, there are others. Darker, more sinister presences that cling to people like shadows, or seep into the land itself, poisoning entire towns with their malice. These spirits... they're not just angry; they're violent, twisted things that live off the fear and misfortune of the living.

I can see them, and they can see me. That’s the problem. Some of them, when they catch sight of me, grow curious, wondering who I am, why I can see them. They follow me, like wolves circling, deciding whether I’m prey. The more aware ones—those that were human once but twisted into something far worse—talk to me. I’ve heard their threats, their promises of harm. They speak of things they’ve done, how they’ve cursed whole families or destroyed lives. Sometimes they don’t even try to hide it.

Some are puzzled by me, though. “So young,” they say, their voices rasping and dripping with disdain or amusement. They cackle when they realize I’m Ming-Ji’s granddaughter, the next one in line to continue the family’s work. A shaman, just like her, they say, voices filled with an eerie glee. They ask how long I’ll last, how much I can take before I break. Before they get to me, or worse—before I let them get to me. The way they watch me, it's like they’re waiting for the day I falter.

There’s one in particular I’ll never forget. I still feel shivers running down my spine when I think of it. It was... not human, not even close. Its body was elongated, scrawny, like all the flesh had been peeled away, leaving only bone and sinew. Its skin—what little there was of it—was stretched tight, paper-thin. And yet, for something so emaciated, it moved with such precision, like a predator toying with its prey, enjoying the chase before the kill.

Its voice... gods, I’ll never forget it. Nasally, hoarse, like it had been screaming for centuries and lost the ability to speak properly. It whispered in my ear once, when I wasn’t paying attention, too focused on another possession. "I see you, shaman. I know your name. I know your blood. And I'll be waiting."

I can still hear that voice sometimes, echoing in my mind when I least expect it. It never attacked me, not directly, but the way it watched me, the way it toyed with me like I was a piece in some game... I know it’s only biding its time. I’ve dealt with many spirits, but none like this one. None that felt so ancient, so utterly devoid of anything human.

I wonder if my grandmother ever encountered it. I never had the chance to ask her. Maybe she left it for me, like an inheritance I never wanted. All I know is that it’s still out there, lurking, waiting. And I’ll have to face it again.

- Haeseol.

Journal Entries | A Familiar Sorrow

September 28th

There was another dream tonight, though this one was different. I wasn’t myself. I was someone else—Yueliang. It felt familiar, like slipping into a memory that wasn’t mine. As a shaman, I’ve had experiences with spirits and their lingering emotions, but this... this felt more vivid. More personal. I wasn’t just witnessing it—I was her, feeling her thoughts, her emotions, as if they were my own. I could feel the weight of the brush in her hand, the silk of her robe against my skin. The connection was seamless, like I belonged there.

And then, there was him. Zhongyuan. He startled her—me—but the moment turned from surprise to something deeper. His presence was overwhelming, as if he commanded the very air in the room. I’ve never seen him before, but his face, his eyes—those blood-red eyes—felt hauntingly familiar. Like I’ve known him in another life, or perhaps in the echoes of spirits I’ve connected with in the past. He wasn’t just a figure in a dream. There was something more.

What unsettles me most is how familiar he felt, as if I’ve been waiting to meet him. But why? I’ve never dreamed of him before, never seen him in any visions or spirit work. And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that we are somehow connected, as if our paths have crossed before in ways I can’t explain.

I’ve been possessed by spirits, seen their memories and walked their paths, but this… this was different. This felt like it was meant to happen, like I was supposed to witness this. I don’t know what it means, but I can’t ignore the pull I felt toward him. Toward that life.

Who are you, Zhongyuan? Why do I feel like I’ve always known you?

Journal Entry | October 1st

I had another one of those dreams. But this time, it wasn’t just a dream. I was her again—Yueliang. I felt everything as if it was happening to me. The wind in the village, the warmth of her grandmother’s hand, the crushing weight of fate that hung over every moment of her life. It was almost too real.

Yueliang’s grandmother reminded me so much of Halmeoni (Korean for Grandmother). Blind, but seeing everything. Feeling everything. I never thought about how similar they are until now. Maybe it’s that sense of knowing, that wisdom in their blindness. Yueliang’s Halmeoni saw her future and tried to change it. Does Halmeoni see something about mine? Is that why she’s always been so protective, always pressing me to be more than I am? More than I want to be?

But what hit me the hardest was the choice Yueliang made. She knew the danger. She knew she was walking into the lion’s den when she went to Zhongyuan. But she still did it—because she thought love could change everything. And for a while, it did. But then, just like that, it all fell apart. No matter how strong she was, no matter how much love she had, fate came back with a vengeance. Is that how it always is? Can we really never escape what we’re meant for?

When Yueliang lost control of her body, when she was forced to hurt the one person she wanted to protect... I think that’s what scares me the most. The idea of being used, manipulated by forces I don’t understand. What if something like that happens to me? What if there’s some part of my life or destiny that I can’t control?

And yet… despite it all, Yueliang still believed in love. Even after everything. She prayed for peace. For another chance. For him. I wonder if I could be that strong, or if I’d just crumble under the weight of it all.

I’m not sure what these dreams mean or why I’m having them, but they’re starting to feel less like dreams and more like memories. I’m afraid of what might come next. But a part of me—just a small part—wants to know.

Maybe there’s something I need to learn from Yueliang’s story. Something about love. Or fate. Or maybe about how to fight against what feels inevitable.

I don’t know. But I’ll keep listening.

—Haeseol

Haeseol’s Journal Entry – Present Day

I can’t stop thinking about her. Yueliang, the Radiant Moon.

It was her song I sang at that wedding so many years ago. I didn’t know it then, but now it feels obvious—like something has been pulling me toward her all this time. Her life, her story… it feels so close to mine, as if we’re connected somehow. And maybe we are.

The similarities are hard to ignore.

Yueliang was revered, just like I am. A symbol of something greater—radiance, light, hope. Her people adored her, saw her as their guiding moon, just as my community sees me as a blessing, a figurehead to offer protection and peace. They look to me as if I hold all the answers, as if I can shield them from whatever comes next. But what if I’m just as lost as they are?

And then there’s the opposition. For Yueliang, it was the followers of Zhongyuan, the dark sun of the yin, constantly in conflict with the devotees of her light. For me, it feels the same—though I’m not battling any dark suns or cosmic forces. I’m battling expectations, control, the endless power plays around me that are beyond my grasp. There are people who want me to be something—someone—I’m not. And I’m trapped in the middle, just as Yueliang was.

Is this why I feel so close to her now? Is this why her sadness feels like my own?

She loved deeply, suffered deeply, all because of the role she was forced to play. A goddess, a beacon for others, but who was there for her? Who understood the pain of always having to shine for others, even when your own heart feels dark and empty?

I wonder… is that my fate too? Am I destined to be just like her—forever revered, forever isolated? Or am I more than just a reflection of Yueliang’s story?

I don’t know why I’m drawn to her. I don’t even know how I could be connected to someone so ancient, so divine. But something inside me is stirring, something that feels like recognition. Like my soul remembers something my mind doesn’t.

Could it be that I’m tied to her, this moon goddess? This radiant moon of the yang?

The idea feels impossible, yet undeniable. I’ve always been different. Always felt like there was something more to me, something I couldn’t explain. Could Yueliang be the answer? Could she be the key to understanding what I am?

It’s strange. The more I think about her, the more I see myself in her—revered, yes, but also bound by something larger than myself. There’s no escaping it. No matter how much I try to live my own life, I’m always pulled back into the roles I’m supposed to play. The roles that others have crafted for me. Just like Yueliang.

But if she’s the moon, does that mean I’m destined to be her reflection? Or is there something else, something more?

I have so many questions, and no answers.

All I know is that I feel her sadness. Her longing. Her desire to be free of the chains that bind her to her people, her duties, her fate. And I feel that same longing inside me too.

I want to be free. But can I ever truly be free, if this is the life I was born into?

For now, all I have are questions.

Haeseol + Taejun | | Analysis / Journal Entries

TRIGGER WARNING: blood consumption, violence, death, etc.

Journal Entry | October 2nd, 2024

I don’t know how to begin this. I don’t even know if I believe it—yet somehow, it all makes sense.

The dreams… they’re not just dreams, are they? Yueliang, Hae-Ri Jin, Bayan—these weren’t just stories my mind conjured up. They were real. They were me.

I’m struggling to wrap my head around it, but it’s like pieces of a puzzle I didn’t even know I was solving are falling into place. Every life, every tragedy, every sacrifice—it was me. And Tae-Jun… he was always there too.

It started with Yueliang and Zhongyuan. That was the first dream. The way Zhongyuan felt so familiar, the way his face and voice lingered with me even after I woke up. I didn’t understand it then. But now? Now I see why. I see it all.

Yueliang, Hae-Ri Jin, Bayan—they’re all me. I am them. And Zhongyuan, Tae-Mu-Ryeong, Dhan… they were all him. Tae-Jun. The arrogance, the power, the way he’s always in my life whether I want him there or not—he’s always been a part of me. Just like I’ve always been a part of him.

But how can this be? How can we be trapped in this endless cycle? Always meeting, always bound by blood and pain. And always, always losing each other.

Yueliang and Zhongyuan, enemies turned lovers, cursed by fate to destroy each other. Hae-Ri, the Siyo Goddess, torn apart to soothe the madness of gods’ sons, sacrificing her body, her blood, her eyes—just like I… just like I gave mine to Tae-Jun. And Bayan, my sweet Bayan, who embraced her fate with a smile, who believed in love so deeply that she chose to save Dhan, even when it meant her own death.

And now, there’s me. Haeseol.

I’m supposed to be this revered shaman, this living deity to the people around me. My grandmother trained me, raised me, just like Yueliang’s grandmother, just like Bayan’s mother, both of them blind—just like my grandmother. They all sacrificed their sight to change fate, to protect us, to give us a chance at something better. But at what cost?

I’m isolated, just like they were. Revered but alone. Loved, but trapped by the weight of it all. Just like Yueliang, like Hae-Ri, like Bayan.

And Tae-Jun? He’s always been there. Every life, every cycle, it was him. In every dream, every story, we were always bound. By blood, by fate, by something we couldn’t escape. And now… now I’ve done it again. I’ve saved him. I gave him my blood, and now he’s bound to me, just like Dhan was bound to Bayan.

But why? Why do we keep coming back to this? Why does it always end in tragedy? Every time, we love each other—whether we admit it or not—and every time, it ends the same. Blood, sacrifice, death.

I don’t want this. I don’t want to be trapped in this cycle forever. But how do I break it? Can I even break it?

I don’t know if I’m ready to face this, to admit that I’ve loved Tae-Jun for longer than I can remember, for lifetimes. But I think I’m starting to understand why. Even with all his arrogance, all the ways he’s pushed me, antagonized me, he’s always been there. Just like Dhan. Just like Zhongyuan. And despite everything, I care for him. I always have.

But what does that mean for us now? Are we doomed to repeat the same mistakes? Or can we finally find a way to break free from the pain, the violence, the sacrifice?

I don’t have the answers yet. I’m still reeling from the realization that Yueliang, Hae-Ri, Bayan… they were all me. That Tae-Jun is the reincarnation of every man I’ve loved and lost.

But one thing is clear. This isn’t just about me anymore. It’s about both of us. About breaking free from this cycle of fate that’s bound us for so long.

I just don’t know if we can.

But maybe, this time, we have a chance. If I can face the truth. If he can.

Maybe, just maybe, we can finally stop the endless bloodshed.

Maybe…

- Haeseol.

Haeseol’s journal entry reveals her internal struggle as she confronts the weight of her past lives and the cyclical nature of her relationship with Tae-Jun. The key themes of this entry revolve around recognition, destiny, and the desire for freedom from fate. Here’s a breakdown of the key elements:

The Unveiling of Past Lives:

Haeseol is realizing that the recurring dreams she's had are not mere figments of her imagination but echoes of her past lives. She has begun to see the connections between herself and her previous incarnations—Yueliang, Hae-Ri Jin, and Bayan—each of whom experienced love and tragedy with Tae-Jun's past selves. This reveals a rich lore where their souls are continually reborn and entangled in a painful cycle of love, blood, and sacrifice.

Isolation and Duty:

Haeseol’s role as a shaman, revered and adored by her community, parallels the sacrifices her past incarnations made. The blind, self-sacrificing figures in her lineage emphasize the cost of this venerated position, as their power comes with isolation. She recognizes how she, too, is trapped in a similar life—feared, respected, and burdened by expectations, but fundamentally alone. This emotional isolation runs parallel to the physical sacrifices that bind her to Tae-Jun across lifetimes.

Tension with Tae-Jun:

Haeseol’s present relationship with Tae-Jun is one marked by friction. His arrogance and aggression mirror the domineering figures from her past lives, yet she acknowledges that even though he antagonizes her, she is drawn to him. The complex dynamic of their frenemies-to-lovers relationship is layered with centuries of reincarnated connection. Haeseol now has the added burden of knowing that her strong reactions to Tae-Jun aren’t just about their present relationship but about the weight of their shared history.

Love, Blood, and Sacrifice:

The idea of love and violence being intrinsically linked is a central theme. Haeseol recalls how each past incarnation faced tragedy—be it Yueliang and Zhongyuan’s mutual destruction or Bayan’s ultimate sacrifice to save Dhan. Haeseol’s recognition that she’s always given parts of herself (literally and figuratively) to Tae-Jun’s past selves reflects the deeper existential question: is love destined to be painful for them? She has already given her blood to save Tae-Jun in this life, cementing their bond once more, and this terrifies her because it mirrors the destructive cycles of the past.

Desire to Break the Cycle:

Haeseol's growing awareness leads her to question whether they can finally break free of this endless cycle of suffering. The idea that their love is intertwined with tragedy and loss weighs heavily on her. Her uncertainty about whether they can escape this fate adds a layer of tension, as she considers whether this life will end like all the others. There is hope, though—it is faint but present. Haeseol hints at the possibility that this time could be different if both she and Tae-Jun confront their pasts and choose a different path.

Emotional Conflict:

A significant aspect of this entry is Haeseol's emotional turmoil. She is caught between her disdain for Tae-Jun’s behavior in their present life and her growing understanding that she has loved him for many lifetimes. This conflict is central to her character arc, as she must reconcile her resentment of his arrogance with her deeper connection to him across time. The complexity of their relationship adds richness to the narrative, as Haeseol must navigate feelings of betrayal, love, and responsibility all at once.

Tae-Jun’s Unawareness:

A critical dynamic at play is that Tae-Jun is still oblivious to this shared history. While Haeseol has begun piecing together the truth, Tae-Jun remains in the dark, unaware of their past lives and the deeper bond between them. This creates a potential narrative tension, as Haeseol grapples with her feelings while Tae-Jun continues behaving as the arrogant bully he has always been. Haeseol’s knowledge places her in a position of power, but also of vulnerability, as she must decide how to move forward knowing what she does.

In summary, Haeseol’s journal entry is a window into her conflicted emotions as she comes to terms with the profound realization that she and Tae-Jun are trapped in an eternal cycle of love and sacrifice. Her struggle is both internal, as she processes her reincarnated past, and external, as she must confront Tae-Jun, who remains unaware of their shared history. The central conflict moving forward will likely involve whether Haeseol and Tae-Jun can break free of the tragic patterns that have defined their relationship across time.

Journal Entry | October 5th

I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent so much time trying to understand what I’m feeling, and now, it’s all tangled up inside me—too big to fit into words. But if I don’t write it down, I think I might burst.

It’s Tae-Jun.

It’s always been him, hasn’t it? Every time I close my eyes, I see him. Not just the Tae-Jun I know now—the one who infuriates me with his arrogance, who’s always challenging me, always so sure of himself. But him in every lifetime, every face I’ve loved, every hand I’ve held before it slipped away. Zhongyuan, Dhan, Tae-Mu-Ryeong… He’s always been there. He’s always been him.

And somehow, I’ve always been drawn to him. Pulled to him like gravity. I used to think it was just fate—this invisible thread binding us together no matter what we did. But now, I’m starting to wonder if it’s more than that. If maybe, despite everything, I’ve always cared for him. If maybe, in every life, I’ve always loved him.

The thought scares me. It terrifies me. Because every time, we’ve lost each other. Every time, it ends in blood and heartbreak, and I don’t know if I can survive that again. I don’t know if I can watch him slip through my fingers once more. But then I think about the way he looked at me the other night—so vulnerable, so real—and all that fear falls away. I just want to protect him. I want to give him something more than the pain and sacrifice we’ve known for so long.

I want to give us something more.

When I gave him my blood, it felt different this time. I wasn’t just saving him because I had to, because some ancient thread of fate demanded it. I did it because I wanted to. Because seeing him hurt, seeing him broken—it did something to me. Something I didn’t expect. I realized in that moment that I care for him, more than I’m ready to admit, even to myself.

But how can I admit that? How can I allow myself to feel something for him when I know how this always ends? When I know that every time, we’re torn apart, left bleeding and broken?

I don’t want to be Yueliang, or Hae-Ri, or Bayan anymore. I don’t want to be the woman who loves and sacrifices and loses. I want to be more than just another tragic love story. I want to break this cycle—not just for me, but for him too. I want to give us a chance at something better. A chance at a future where we don’t have to bleed for love, where we don’t have to lose everything just to hold onto each other.

I want to see him smile—not out of arrogance or victory, but a real smile, one that comes from happiness, from peace. I want to be the reason for that smile.

I can feel it in my bones—this is our chance. This time, things can be different. I don’t know how yet, but I’m determined. I’m not going to let fate win this time. I won’t let us be pulled apart again. I’ll protect him, and I’ll protect us. Because for the first time, it’s not just about me. It’s about both of us.

And I think, deep down, I’ve always wanted this. I’ve always wanted him. Even when I didn’t understand why. Even when he was just a dream, a memory from another life, some part of me always longed for him. Even when he was arrogant and frustrating, I couldn’t push him away. I couldn’t stop myself from caring.

And now, I think I’m ready to face that. I think I’m ready to admit that what I feel for him isn’t just a result of fate pulling our strings. It’s real. It’s mine. And no matter what happens, no matter what’s to come, I’m going to fight for it. For us.

I’m not saying it’ll be easy. I’m not saying that everything will magically fall into place just because I’ve realized how much I care for him. But for the first time, I feel like we have a real chance. A chance to break the cycle, to stop the endless pain and tragedy. A chance to rewrite our story into something beautiful, something full of love instead of loss.

I don’t know if he feels the same way. I don’t know if he’s ready to face the truth of who we were, of who we’ve always been to each other. But I think that, in time, he will. I think that when he looks at me, some part of him already knows. He’s just as scared as I am, but he’ll come to see it too. I know he will.

Because this time, it’s different. This time, I’m not going to let fate control us. I’m going to fight for us. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll finally get the ending we deserve. One where we don’t lose each other. One where we don’t bleed for love. One where we can just… be.

Together.

—Haeseol.

This journal entry from Haeseol reflects an emotional turning point in her internal journey as she comes to terms with her complex feelings for Tae-Jun. There’s a deep sense of self-awareness in her words as she grapples with her past lives, the cyclical nature of her love with Tae-Jun, and her own determination to change the course of their fate. The entry captures her emerging realization that her connection with Tae-Jun, despite being shaped by fate, is driven by her genuine feelings, not just destiny’s demands.

### Key Themes and Emotional Conflict

Revelation of Love and Fear: Haeseol is beginning to admit that she has always cared for Tae-Jun, but she is still afraid to fully embrace these feelings. Her repeated use of the phrase “I don’t know if I can survive that again” emphasizes her fear of inevitable loss, which has defined every lifetime they’ve shared. Her budding love is bittersweet, tinged with the knowledge of how things have always ended before: in tragedy.

Compassion and Desire to Protect: Her compassion for Tae-Jun is a driving force in this entry. Haeseol doesn’t just want to break the cycle for herself—she wants to save him, too. Her desire to protect him is evident when she recalls giving him her blood. For the first time, it’s not simply about duty or fate, but a conscious choice to help someone she deeply cares about. She wants to spare him the suffering they’ve both endured in past lives, reflecting a protective instinct born out of love.

Defiance Against Fate: Haeseol’s determination to defy fate stands out as a pivotal moment in her character development. She doesn’t want to be the tragic heroine anymore—she’s tired of the role of the sacrificial lover who always loses. This resolve to break the cycle shows her growing strength and independence. The line “I’m not going to let fate win this time” highlights her defiance, marking a shift from passive acceptance of her destiny to an active desire to change it.

Budding Feelings and Hope: Despite her fears and the heaviness of their shared history, Haeseol is filled with hope. Her feelings for Tae-Jun are blossoming, and there’s a tender sweetness in how she reflects on wanting to see him truly happy, to be the reason for his smile. This hope gives her the strength to believe that they can rewrite their story. The hope in this entry provides a counterbalance to the sadness of their past, suggesting that love could offer a path to redemption and freedom from their cycle of pain.

Acknowledgment of Tae-Jun’s Role: Haeseol’s reflection on Tae-Jun shows that she understands how deeply he has always been a part of her life, in every incarnation. She realizes that her feelings aren’t just a byproduct of fate, but a real, personal connection she has always had with him. This marks a crucial turning point in her perception of their relationship. She no longer views herself as a mere pawn of destiny, but someone who has chosen to care for him again and again, in every lifetime.

### Character Development

This entry represents a major shift in Haeseol’s internal state. Previously, her perception of Tae-Jun was shaped by frustration, confusion, and fear. Now, she is beginning to embrace her love for him, even though it scares her. This demonstrates significant growth, as she is no longer running from her feelings or hiding behind the idea that fate is controlling her. She’s taking ownership of her emotions and her life, which shows strength and maturity.

Her determination to protect Tae-Jun, to fight against the cycle, and to give them both a better ending also demonstrates her evolution into a more active and empowered character. She is no longer content to be swept along by the tides of fate—she wants to steer her own destiny.

### Haeseol’s Conflicted Nature

While Haeseol’s love for Tae-Jun is growing stronger, she is still conflicted. The fear of losing him again looms large in her mind, and this inner conflict is palpable throughout the entry. Her desire to protect him and her burgeoning love are tempered by the scars of past lives, making her vulnerable and cautious. However, the journal entry ends on a hopeful note, indicating that Haeseol is willing to confront her fear and take a risk for the sake of their shared future.

### Thematic Exploration

Thematically, this journal entry explores the timeless struggle between fate and free will. Haeseol, trapped in a cycle dictated by destiny, is choosing to fight against the forces that have controlled her for so long. This is an exploration of agency and love—she wants to define her relationship with Tae-Jun on her own terms, not based on the tragedies of their past lives.

At its core, this entry is about love’s potential to transcend time and fate. Haeseol’s realization that her feelings for Tae-Jun have persisted across lifetimes suggests that love is not merely a product of fate, but something deeply personal and powerful. It’s a love that survives despite the pain and loss, and it’s a love that Haeseol is willing to fight for.

### Conclusion

This journal entry captures the complexity of Haeseol’s emotions as she grapples with her love for Tae-Jun and the tragic cycle they’ve been caught in. It’s an important moment of reflection and growth for her, as she acknowledges both her fear and her hope for something better. Her determination to protect Tae-Jun and break the cycle of suffering suggests a newfound strength and agency, positioning her as someone who is no longer a victim of fate, but a woman prepared to change her story.

In many ways, this entry reflects a turning point—not just in Haeseol’s feelings for Tae-Jun, but in her entire worldview. She is no longer resigned to tragedy; instead, she is choosing hope and love, and is willing to fight for a future where they can finally find peace and happiness together.

Character Study: Where Love Fades, Duty Remains | Two Journal Entries

"Duty means doing the things your heart may well regret."

A character study of Haeseol, explored through the lens of the four types of love—storge (familial love), philia (friendship), eros (romantic love), and agape (unconditional love)—presents a layered, intricate portrait of her life across multiple incarnations. The quote "Duty means doing the things your heart may well regret" serves as a central theme, as Haeseol’s life is defined by the tension between her personal desires and the weight of duty, shaped by a relentless cycle of sacrifice and reincarnation.

### 1. Storge - Familial Love

Haeseol’s relationship with familial love is deeply entangled with the concept of duty. Across her incarnations—whether as Yueliang, Hae-Ri Jin, Bayan, or herself—the bonds of family are both a source of strength and a burden.

In each life, Haeseol’s connection with her family is marked by loss and expectation. Yueliang’s grandmother, Hae-Ri’s divine lineage, and Bayan’s protective mother all represent the idea of sacrifice for the greater good. These familial figures, like her own grandmother, have shaped Haeseol’s understanding of duty. They trained her, passed on their wisdom, and, in doing so, instilled the importance of fulfilling one’s role within the family and the world. Yet, this love is often bittersweet, as it comes at the expense of personal freedom and happiness.

For Haeseol, storge is not merely about warmth and comfort, but about the inheritance of duty. The sacrifices made by her ancestors in past lives have set a precedent for her own sacrifices. Her heart may well regret these choices—her desire for a normal life, for love untainted by obligation—but she cannot escape the weight of familial duty that has been passed down to her. Even when the love is deep and genuine, it is often overshadowed by the price she must pay to honor her lineage.

### 2. Philia - Friendship

Haeseol’s experience with friendship, or philia, is perhaps the most fragile aspect of her emotional life. Across her reincarnations, genuine friendships have been few, and they often crumble under the pressure of her responsibilities. As Yueliang, her friendships were strained by the political and martial conflicts that surrounded her; as Hae-Ri, she was isolated by her divine nature; and as Bayan, she was driven by her desire to save others, leaving little room for lasting bonds.

In her current life, Haeseol’s relationships are similarly strained by the burdens she carries. Her role as a shaman, a living deity to her people, distances her from those who might otherwise have been her equals. Friendship demands trust and vulnerability, but Haeseol cannot afford to be vulnerable in the ways that friendship requires. Her duty forces her to remain strong, isolated, and always in control.

However, there is a longing within Haeseol for philia, for a companionship that transcends duty and destiny. She yearns for someone who can see her beyond the role she has been given and value her for who she truly is. But time and again, the weight of her responsibilities has forced her to abandon such desires, leaving her heart to regret the friendships that could have been.

### 3. Eros - Romantic Love

Romantic love, eros, has been both Haeseol’s greatest joy and deepest wound across her many lives. The cycle of reincarnation has bound her to lovers in each life, and while her love has been powerful and transformative, it has also been marked by tragedy and loss.

In every incarnation—Yueliang, Hae-Ri, Bayan—her romantic love has been inextricably tied to her duty. Each time, her heart has chosen love, but that love has led to sacrifice. For Yueliang, love meant betraying her duty to her people; for Hae-Ri, love meant giving her body and soul to stop the divine madness; for Bayan, love meant saving another at the cost of her own life. And now, as Haeseol, romantic love is once again a potential source of both bliss and sorrow.

This pattern of eros always demands something of Haeseol—her heart’s deepest desires in conflict with the path she knows she must follow. The romantic love she experiences is always tainted by a sense of inevitability, as though duty will inevitably pull her away from her beloved, no matter how strong her feelings. Even when her heart wishes to surrender to the passion and joy of love, she knows it comes with a price, a duty that will leave her with regret.

### 4. Agape - Unconditional Love

Agape—unconditional love—is perhaps the most profound and most elusive form of love in Haeseol’s life. This type of love transcends personal relationships and speaks to the larger, more universal love that Haeseol has developed over the course of her many lifetimes. It is a love for humanity, for the world, and for the people she is destined to protect and serve.

Haeseol’s role as a shaman, as a protector of her people, embodies agape. In each life, she has sacrificed herself, not just for the individuals she loved, but for the greater good. This is the kind of love that is not driven by desire or personal attachment, but by a deep sense of responsibility.

In all her incarnations, Haeseol has shown a capacity for this kind of love, even though it often brings her great sorrow. She has always acted out of a desire to preserve life, to protect those who cannot protect themselves, and to fulfill her duty as a spiritual guide. But again, this love comes with a cost. Her heart may regret the personal sacrifices she must make in the name of agape, but she cannot turn away from it. It is a love that transcends her own pain and desires, one that requires her to place the needs of others above her own.

### Haeseol and Duty

The quote "Duty means doing the things your heart may well regret" encapsulates Haeseol’s entire emotional journey. Whether it is familial love, friendship, romantic love, or unconditional love, her relationships are all shaped by the tension between her personal desires and the duty that governs her life. In every life, Haeseol has been forced to make difficult choices—choices that her heart often regrets, but that her sense of duty compels her to make.

For Haeseol, love and duty are inseparable. Even though her heart may long for freedom, for peace, and for love unbound by responsibility, she understands that duty will always come first. This sense of duty is not just a burden—it is a defining feature of her character. Her willingness to make sacrifices, to endure loss and heartache for the sake of others, speaks to her strength and resilience.

However, the regret that accompanies these sacrifices cannot be ignored. Haeseol’s heart, shaped by the memories of her past lives and the tragedies she has endured, carries the weight of her decisions. She knows that love, in all its forms, will always demand something from her, and that her duty will always pull her in directions she does not want to go. Yet, despite this, Haeseol remains determined to continue on her path, even if her heart regrets it.

This internal conflict—between love and duty, between desire and obligation—is what makes Haeseol such a compelling character. She is someone who loves deeply and unconditionally, yet she is also someone who is bound by duty, unable to fully escape the sacrifices that love demands.

Journal Entry: Haeseol

The wind was cold today, sharper than usual as it cut through the mountains. Even the spirits seemed restless, their whispers tangled in the branches. I could feel their unease, their confusion, as if they, too, were lost in the world between life and death. The heaviness of their pain, their memories, clings to me long after they’re gone, lingering in my bones like an old bruise.

Sometimes I don’t know where their pain ends and mine begins.

They come to me. These spirits, these wandering souls, desperate and broken. Lost. I let them in—maybe because I’m too soft-hearted, maybe because I don’t know how to shut them out anymore. I see their lives, feel their regrets, their longing to return to something familiar. And, for a moment, I am them. I become their grief, their rage, their helplessness, trapped in the echoes of a life they can’t reclaim.

But when they leave, when they find peace or whatever closure I can offer, I’m left with the weight of their stories. And the emptiness that follows is almost unbearable. How many times have I come too close? How many nights have I stared into the eyes of a spirit more powerful than I could manage, hoping I’d make it through? Too many.

Each time, I wonder if this will be the one that pulls me under, that drowns me in their sorrow.

There are moments when I envy them—the spirits. They have already endured their endings, while I am caught in the middle of mine, over and over again.

They call me a goddess. "Shaman," "Seer," "Healer," "Guide"—each title is another layer I wear like armor. The people come to me, so full of trust, so certain that I hold the answers they need. They believe I can speak to the dead, that I can bless them, protect them, lead them out of their darkness. I don’t know how to tell them that I barely know how to lead myself. But I cannot fail them. I mustn’t. It’s not just my duty—it’s the only purpose I have left, the thread that ties me to this world.

The elders, the officials, even the high-born families—they all look to me with such reverence, their gazes heavy with expectation. Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating under the weight of their faith. They don’t see me as a girl, as Haeseol. I am an idol to them, a living link to the divine, something otherworldly. The isolation that comes with that... it’s something no one ever warns you about. How could they, when they’ve never lived it?

When I sit before them, giving blessings or offering guidance, I see the way they look at me—like I am more than human. And in those moments, I wish they could see the truth. That I’m not a goddess, not some ethereal being blessed with wisdom beyond my years. I’m just a girl, exhausted from trying to be everything they need. But they can’t see the girl under the mantle. They can only see what they’ve made me out to be.

How ironic it is, that the spirits of the dead are easier to speak to than the living.

There are nights when I wish I could forget it all. Forget the responsibilities, forget the titles, forget the unrelenting pressure. I want to run—just once—to a place where no one knows my name, where no one calls me a goddess, where no one asks for a blessing or closure. Where I can be Haeseol, and nothing more. But that’s not a life meant for me. It never has been.

I’m young, too young for this kind of burden, and yet here I am, wearing it like a cloak that can never be removed. I suppose I’ve become used to the loneliness by now. It's a different kind of loneliness, one that creeps in when you’re surrounded by people who need you, but no one who sees you. Truly sees you.

I think about my past lives sometimes. The pieces of me scattered across time, all of them shaped by duty, by love, by loss. They, too, carried their burdens, didn’t they? Did they ever feel this tired? Did they ever wish for a different ending? Or did they accept their fate without question, without regret?

I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I should.

But even with all the pain, all the exhaustion, I still feel something stir within me when I help someone find peace. When I see the relief wash over their faces, when they thank me for the closure I’ve given them, I know why I continue to do this. It’s what keeps me going, even when it feels like too much. The lives I touch, the ones I save—they make it worth it. Somehow.

I just hope that, one day, I’ll find peace for myself, too. Until then, I’ll keep carrying the weight of my duty, even if my heart regrets it.

The weight of love, in all its forms, presses down on me as heavily as the spirits I carry. There is no separating them, no dividing my heart from the duty that binds me to this world and the next. It would be a lie to say I haven’t dreamt of release—of abandoning the threads that tie me to the past, to lives I no longer live but can never forget. How easy it would be to let go, to stop feeling the pain of others as if it were my own.

But I can’t. I won’t.

I’ve inherited this mantle of service through so many lives, through the blood and tears of those who came before me. They were mothers and daughters, warriors and healers, each one passing down their knowledge, their burdens. I am the sum of their choices, shaped by a lineage that stretches back farther than I can comprehend.

And though I love them for the wisdom they imparted, for the strength they bequeathed me, I sometimes wonder what it would feel like to be just...me.

The people look to me as if I were a goddess. I am their answer, their blessing, their guide through the dark. They come to me with their grief, their confusion, their need to know that their loved ones rest peacefully on the other side. And I open myself to them, letting the spirits flood in—so many voices, so many memories. I become them for a time. I see their lives, feel their joys and pains, and the weight of it leaves me hollowed out, empty, until there’s nothing left but echoes.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve stood on the edge, close to slipping into that other world and never returning. The spirits linger so close, too close, and sometimes I think they want to take me with them. They whisper to me in the night, their sorrow wrapping itself around my heart like tendrils of smoke. And it hurts—feeling their regret, their anger, their loneliness. But what hurts more is that I understand them. I carry my own regrets, my own love that has been sacrificed to this duty. Perhaps that is why I can never turn them away. They are me. We are one.

I wonder, sometimes, if it would be different—if I could love freely, without this constant pull toward sacrifice. Friendship, romantic love…all of it feels so fragile when measured against the weight of the world I hold. I’ve tried to let people in, to find comfort in the company of others. But there’s always that distance. Always the knowledge that they cannot truly see me.

They see what I represent—this sacred figure who bears the burdens of life and death. How could they see past that? How could anyone love me without feeling the heaviness of it all?

I’ve known love in many forms, across many lives. Each time it has been beautiful, fleeting, and always marked by loss. My heart aches for what was, for the love I had to let go of to fulfill my duty. Each time I’ve chosen to walk away, even when every part of me screamed to stay.

I regret it. I regret the choices I’ve made to protect others at the cost of my own happiness. But what is love if not sacrifice? What is duty if not love?

There is a love that is larger than me, larger than all of us. It pulls at me constantly, asking me to give more than I have, to lay down my desires and dreams for the sake of those who cannot protect themselves. It is a love that transcends the personal, the intimate. It is a love for humanity itself. And yet, even this love feels like a chain, one that binds me to a path I can never leave.

In the quiet moments, when the spirits are still and the world fades to silence, I allow myself to feel the weight of it all. I let the loneliness wash over me, the ache of a heart that has given more than it could ever hold. And I wonder…how much more can I bear before I break?

But I cannot break. I cannot falter. Because this is my duty. It always has been.

And duty means doing the things your heart may well regret.

---- 1/10/2024 entry

* It's finally october, yay! I love fall, it's so cozy and its perfect for staying inside, sleeping, reading or baking. It's also the month where i will start my diet and working out again, since tomorrow ill have a mini treadmill!

* Today was fine, ig. I had two tests at school and got A's from both. After school I slept the whole day. The only thing that makes me kinda mad is that I have two freaking pimples on my forehead, ughhh I hate getting my period.

* Did yall heard about the Diddy situation? I digged so much into it, spent 3 hours straight watching YouTube videos about it that I don't think I'll sleep tonight. Im just so sorry for his victims - he's disgusting and he's gonna rot in hell. I also believe he killed Tupac..

* That's it for today! Ik, pretty boring, but a journal is a journal, so I had to write an entry loll !! Bye angels xx 🩷🪽

---- 2/10/2024 entry

* Today I downloaded GTA the trilogy!! I'm starting with GTA III and it looks good.

* My sister is changing schools, she's 18 so she can do whatever she wants but my mom is so heartbroken, it's so sad to see her this way.

* I felt an urge to relapse into starving, but I KILLED that urge, murdered, gone !!

* On Monday I'll have swimming classes so i decided to go on a 1200 kcal diet until Monday, I'll do HIIT daily and walk a lot + 16:8. Ik thats kinda unhealthy but i wanna look good quick and i swear ill return to eating normal after monday LOLLL

* I was on a walk with my mom for like an hour and a half, I absolutely love walking with her, and I love her, she's the best <3

* That's it lol, nothing really happenned :') byeee🩷🪽

journaling

(feat. pics I took of part of my most recent journal entry with my pilot g.2 pen, my half-smoked pack of marlboro golds, the wrapper from a chocolate bar I recently ate, and my complaints about vergil's use of dactylic hexameter)

Hope you win that sh*t. 💯

The other day a friend ran out to check on me after a long night out. I stormed out angrily to take a walk and to my surprise she followed me out there.

She could tell I wasn’t about to open up about anything so she lead with vulnerability and told me about some of her struggles she has had over the years. Then of course she brought the conversation back to me and my feelings. I was clammed up.

This is not my wife (whom I was upset with at the time) so I felt guilty, wrong for even thinking that I could emotionally open up to her. Even though at that moment, i truly did feel all alone in the world. Yall know that feeling right?!? I mean this is. Tumblr after all lmao 😂

I deflected and asked her more about her own situation and effectively “got out” of talking about my feelings.

Afterwards though, i really thought about it. There were a lot of folx around but she was the one to come out and check on me. I needed someone to even if I didn’t say it. Normally im the extrovert of my friend groups. The solid one. The one you go to for guidance, wisdom, and also to have fun and laugh. I love to smile and make others smile as well.

I texted my friend and told her it meant a lot that she checked ✅ on me, but more importantly i think i walked away with a better understanding of the types of people and depth of understanding i would like to have around me more.

Those of us who have to largest smiles know the most pain. Never forget that.

These are my thoughts 💭 on what im thinking 🤔.

Peace ✌🏾,

- Teach_or_Trav

When You're Feeling Down

I recently made a journal entry about what to do when I'm feeling down or not really myself and I figured that I would share it with you in case it helps. So read this if you're not feeling your best.

Fuck the 3D.

FUCK. THE. 3D.

Fuck whatever the circumstances are right in front of your eye. It has absolutely NO POWER. I know that if you're reading this then you probably are having moments where you're asking "What am I doing wrong?" "Why isn't it here?" "Do I need to do something else?" "What if?" "What if?" "What if?"

Stop. Reel yourself in and follow along.

Close your eyes. Even for just a second, and just put one image in your head. You. You with what you desire. Whether it be food, or longer hair, or a better physique, or you in your desired reality, or all of the above! Just daydream, imagine for a second just you in your desired scenario and tell yourself, "This is the true me. This is my reality, I am actually living THIS life right now."

Now when you're done, imagining, crying, screaming, asking those "What ifs?" and you've given yourself this scene, please tell yourself that that is ALL that matters. The 3D is a reflection of your inner thoughts, your imagination, your 4D. The more time you spend worrying about the 4D and cultivating the you in your mind, the quicker the 3D will follow behind. Do not pay the 3D any more attention than what it deserves.

If it's not showing your desires, fuck it. If you think it's taking a long time for your desires to appear in the 3D, you're paying it too much of your attention. You have your desires right the fuck now. INSIDE your mind. Look only in your imagination for confirmation. You already have you desires, focus only on that claim and blind yourself to the unwanted.

You are only the version you create in your head.

I've been stuck for a long time and today I decided to change my mindset and look at the glass as being half full instead of half empty. I have spent so much time pouring into everyone else around me to please them. To be liked. I wasn't pouring into myself. I created this blog because I want to build my self-confidence and work through my insecurities. I want to look back and see how far I've come. So welcome to my safe space and my healing journey 💜

Tw: VENT!

my clothes are getting baggier, but when I see myself naked I feel like I’m not skinny enough. I feel like my life is in shambles and the only thing I can control is my weight, i feel ugly at my weight, loosing it is the only thing that makes me happy, my scars are becoming very noticeable and I feel embarrassed for that. School is starting soon and I already loathe the thought of being seen, I feel pathetic every time I go outside, even if it’s just to take out the trash for 2 seconds. Having a crush makes me 20x more crazy than I already am. One thing I would never tell my friends and family is that I’m a snake. I lie,sin,blame others and am a complete failure. I also hate them all for what they do to me, I forgive them for the things they do but I never forget. I’m becoming addicted to sh and I’m scared people will find out because people perceive me differently for who I really am.

today the strangest thing happened. id been making kandi all day, a long awaited task turned furthermore into a burden as the days dragged on and continued to the sooner end of the summer season. when id found myself soaked in the silk of a conundrum. i needed hot glue because i lacked any type of punctuation mark for the ending to a bracelet i was making. however i had no such exclamation mark. so i had made one of an upside down i, however i needed to glue it to my other letter for this to work. yet no luck, the glue was missing. obviously bewildered by this, i searched and asked around finally leading back to the layer by which my brother bodes his domain. it quickly escalated and got out of hand, as his response to my questioning was that to assume my inquiry implied that of theivery. it did not but he knows not with his young age to listen. so alas i was thrown out to look elsewhere. my parents had gone so i took to it with the free space from the car having vacated the area where the storage bins lay. and i got to work opening and looking into them. i knew of two hot glue vestiges in my home. two documented ones at least, as they both routinely go missing and reappear at random, i knew better than to not take the time to look inside the office storage bins in particular. and as i dug through my first box in particular, i found photos of myself from deep in my very first term growing period to my most recent. i, being the first born was always the most heavily documented on, of my sibling collective. which is fine so to speak as i have proper proof for my experiences and that of my life previously to my most recent years. however i had come upon a pooled amount of dvds at the bottom, after i had divvied out some pictures of myself for the taking to add to my childhood shoebox. many familial events and activities, holidays, school photos, my parents wedding, stuff like that. however there was a dvd entitled “((my name)) photos” i was confused about the title so i set it in the pile with the other things i was certain id never find and left shortly after to make my departure. however when id put the disc into my tv after id arrived in my room. itd made many strange noises. then inexplicably brought me to a picture of a snowy mountain, in what looked to be a tundra climate. i stared at the photo for awhile just pondering the whole thing, before i realised it was a sort of slideshow. i pressed the remote for the next slide and took note that all of the slides were more or less the same thing. the disc being full of pictures of the dreary antarctic. where images of snowy mountains and clusters of strange looking penguin hold themselves a collective. though it continued endlessly, of eerie near perfect looking snowy mountains, surrounded by water and such. the photographer perhaps on a boat. i found it went on forever, me skipping through them for a solid half hour maybe, before i was called to do some chores. id been gone for a long time too, about midnight, as is the curse of leaving my room and stalling my way back to the connecting hallways, always somehow leading back to my door. i got right back to skipping through the slideshow. and the photos did not change, and there was no option to go backward. i took a short video of what i was seeing, to try to picture it better in explanation. but its really short as my phone stopped itself from recording not even 20 seconds in because of low storage-__-

im not very sure what to make of this, what association i am supposed to draw from a cd with my name on it, implying photos of me through its titling. and what the frequent photos of the antarctic imply to me as a person. this is quite the query, is it not? im afraid to take it out of my dvd player as i do not want to lose my place in the sequence of images i have found myself lost in. many of these photos beyond uncanny in a way i cannot pinpoint. perhaps it is the entailment of isolation making me feel this way. as i find myself anxious thinking of the endless artic tundra and pointlessness provided to me in such an environment, leading me to an endless feild of water, all surrounding to my periphery. a true nightmare to be lost to the ice and water beholdent in these photos. how i long to be away from it and yet i am viewing it from beyond that of a distance. i wonder what this is reflective of if not my own fear, is it true that our fears are what make us ourselves? i wonder where i heard that from. maybe in the future, i am these photos. maybe im the one taking them. or maybe these photos are just meant to represent me as an individual being. like finn from adventure time representing a sword when not trapped to that of a flesh corporeal form. regardless, perhaps these images were placed here for me to find when id come the age of understanding. i will ponder this more frequently as it has happened now a time ago, since id started writing this. yesterday to be exact. and i am still unsure if i even want to keep looking through the slideshow, as im not sure if it will ever end and time has not been very generous to me as of late. we will see. for now it is a mystery i will continue to write about.

continuation to this post