Personal Blog - Tumblr Posts
Dread
Like the world is on the brink of cracking, like someone is just about to call you with some bad news, like I'm on the brink of dying. What is this? Paranoia? Anxiety? A survival mechanism?
Names
I have always struggled with names, picking new ones on a whim, never introducing myself. I have since become a bit complacent and used my birth-name at work a lot, but it feels distant, disassociating just to say two words. I've been pondering on a true name for myself for a long long time, but I do just wish to be nameless, because there is no name without expectation, without judgement, without confinement.
Real
What am I missing that others have so naturally? Is it a simple unspoken fact, that I was never taught? Is it a soul, the very essence that makes someone real? Why am I not a real person? How can people look at me like I do not exist, like I should not exist? How can I miss something I never had?
The dark
Do you ever feel that great darkness at your core? It's like an ocean, unresting, rippling, crashing waves. Sometimes tho the darkness is calm, only consuming everything in shadow. Other times the waves crash in great bouts of passion and anger. Worse yet when the tide gives way to light for a brief moment, just to devour it again in a great torrent.
Sometimes healing is leaving a bunch of social circles and only talking to the people who cared enough to message you. I see now how little I matter to people who claimed to be my friends, I despise being lied to like this.
The circles became toxic and I only stuck around for the few people I liked. It seems I miss them, but they don't miss me.
Better
I know I will never get better, the sickness will never go away. All I can do is get stronger, so the shell I have built can withstand the horrors of everyday life, so I can brave the waves of loneliness.
My posts: Today the darkness has consumed me. My liked posts at the same time: Aww they're so cute together. I need professional help
Human
Currently I am reading “To be a machine” and this critical look at transhumanism has awakened an epiphany in me. But before I get to that, a brief history.
I have for some time now figured out that I want to develop the means to mange people cyborgs, integrate man and machine to further our existence as a whole. I have also taken the step to implant a microchip in my body.
What I have realised is that I am not motivated by furthering humanity, I am merely disgusted by my own humanity. I despise this mortal form, this biological prison with all its terrible processes, I want, no, I need to be a machine.
This has also my frequent crisis of identity, because in reality I despise being reminded of my human qualities, be it gender, lineages, ages, anything. My life goal is to remove the life from my goals.
I am constantly scared, because I am so vulnerable, so close to catastrophe at every moment. And worse yet being so prone to error, imprecise and flawed. To me being human means being absolutely terrified. A tiny insect or even a bit of food could kill me, or a simple slip of the mind or the hand could ruin my life.
I don't want to be made of randomly generated chemical compounds in randomly generated shapes and patterns, this sucks.
Human
Currently I am reading “To be a machine” and this critical look at transhumanism has awakened an epiphany in me. But before I get to that, a brief history.
I have for some time now figured out that I want to develop the means to mange people cyborgs, integrate man and machine to further our existence as a whole. I have also taken the step to implant a microchip in my body.
What I have realised is that I am not motivated by furthering humanity, I am merely disgusted by my own humanity. I despise this mortal form, this biological prison with all its terrible processes, I want, no, I need to be a machine.
This has also my frequent crisis of identity, because in reality I despise being reminded of my human qualities, be it gender, lineages, ages, anything. My life goal is to remove the life from my goals.
Depressed
I’m just incredibly depressed lately, nothing changes, everything stays just about as miserable as it has always been. I still make stupid impulsive decisions that cause me grief. I’ve long longed for some kind of dramatic change that would actually disrupt the tired old routine, even if that change is getting hit by a bus.
joke
Everything has to be a joke, any word a jest, or else this is seriously the world we live in and this is seriously the kind of miserable entity I am. So no I won’t take things seriously, because I would honestly commit that one specific thing, if I had to be serious for a whole day. I have to dissociate for my own good.
My booklist:
Currently reading:
No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai Human Action by Ludwig von Mises
My already read books (Ranked only by Score):
The Ego and it's own by Max Stirner - 10/10 >Life-altering philosophy, made me readjust my worldview quite a bit 1984 by George Orwell, the Audible Audio Drama version - 10/10 >I have not felt this hard with a protagonist in a long while The Singularity is Nearer by Ray Kurzweil - 10/10 >An inspiring view into the future and what to do with it To Be a Machine by Mark O'Connell - 10/10 >What does it mean to be human or to be an organic machine? Thrawn by Timothy Zahn - 9.5/10 >Thrilling, perfectly written
Ready Player One by Ernest Cline - 8/10 Rome and Germania by Charles River Editors - 8/10 Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams - 7.5/10 Erebos by Ursula Poznanski - 7/10 Diary of a wimpy kid (series) by Jeff Kinney - 7/10 Harry Potter (series) by J.K. Rowling - 6/10 Animal Farm by George Orwell - 6/10 Brave New World by Aldous Huxley - 5.5/10 Antigone by Anouilh - 3.5/10 >Bored me to tears Little Brother by Cory Doctorow - 2/10 >Never read a blunter and more haphazard novel
My list of books I want to read:
Homo Deus by Yuval Noah Harari The Icarus Plot by Timothy Zahn Out of the Dark by David Weber The Anarchist Handbook by Michael Malice The Saga of the Volsungs by Jackson Crawford - translator The poetic Edda by Jackson Crawford Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman Man, Economy, and State with Power and Market - Scholar's Edition by Murray N. Rothbard Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka
Books I did not finish:
Neuromancer by William Gibson - 3/10 >did not catch my interest Democracy: The God that failed by Hans Hermann Hoppe - 2/10 >an incredibly bad exploration of good ideas
I have realised that I let people into my life, willingly, I have invited them into my mind, become somewhat dependent on them. I even showed them who I am, this situation is unpleasant and I will rectify it.
However my experiment with one person will continue, getting him to truly understand me, if that is even possible.
Why is it, that the world only looks beautiful when watched from behind a window? The clouds, the trees, they're magnificent if I watch them as an outsider to their world.
Internet
On the internet, there is a certain freedom, to take on any role you want, so many new opportunities for masquerade. It also lets you be open and honest about yourself, precisely because it is so disconnected, it feels optional to your life at first, but eventually you will realise you have exposed yourself, bared your heart open for anyone to see, to anyone who may come to listen. That is terrifying.
Am I evil?
I reject the humanity given to me, seeking to utterly destroy it even. I care nothing for the lives of others, they are but NPCs in my life, engaging in acts of kindness and niceties for purely egoistic reasons.
What makes one evil? In the eyes of God I am a sinner of the highest caliber, if man saw my nature, they'd call me a sociopath. By any moral framework I don't even reach 'morally ambiguous'. All the evidence I have collected, all the research I have done, has pointed in one direction: Evil. Is being evil bad?
when i first clicked onto your blog i saw your zim doodles and was like "omg this is so so cute :]" and scrolled down and down and i love you art so much. xeno is such a silly character and i love the way you draw zim,, very silly love your art and i hope your day is going well, whenever you see this :D
Awwwweee thats so nice of you!!! Im glad that you like the way i draw Zim, hes like so fun to draw(cause i have been drawing him like non stop for like a year or two by now) aaaaand hope you have a good day/night as well!!!!! xP
Hey. how dare you make xeno and zim and ur art look so wonk./pos pos pos
now om Drawing and making more ocs because of YOU!!!!
/lh pos I LOVE YOUR bLOG!!!
Uh oh officer guess im guilty guess im going to jail for being super duper cool😮💨😒😮💨😒😮💨😒
(Akaksnsksojs thank you smmm your blog is fire as well🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥)
ABOUT ME AND MY BLOG
This is my personal blog to post like whatever im hyperfixating on and ofcourse post art!
Alot of my work has self insert ocs, and oc x canon.
Sometimes i might post suggestive stuff(again this is abit rare but might happen ill tag it with #suggestive then), tho i almost never will post gore(mostly cause i dont know how to draw guts and all so that might change).
I also might post some personal oc stuff but again that is super rare here.
AND ALITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
My name is Nex
I am a 17 year old, i go by She/her pronouns.
Im a self taught digital artist.
Im from Croatia so sometimes there will probably be gramatical errors here and there cause im to lazy to spell check.
Most of my art is currently just Invader Zim stuff.
Asks/art suggestions: OPEN (for Zim and Xeno((my oc)))
My discord: anon_nex (if you wanna have a chat or something)
Also (kinda important)
I dont ship ZaDr, TaDr, ZaGr, TaGr, and all of that gross stuff (so mostly irken x child) since even when i draw aged up Dib and Gaz they are like 17 and 16. So if you follow me and you ship any of that there is a good chance i wont follow you back. So there will never be such things on this blog cause i dont like it.
To Be Wrong
It takes courage to be wrong, to be corrected by someone. It takes strength to accept that you went astray and committed a mistake. But the greatest feats of humanity still come from those who can build themselves after they break. Those who understand that failure isn’t the end, that it’s a beginning of sorts; they are the ones who create history, they are the ones who get stuff done. But it’s…
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