Feeling Better - Tumblr Posts

A year ago today was the day I started to want to feel better.

I just wanted to say that I might not have been in the right state earlier, I wrote on my feelings, my boyfriend is very kind, beautiful, gentle, we didn't even have a fight, I protected him from my own emotions by writing on Tumblr, I didn't mean to be AGAINST him!! I love him a lot, like I never loved anyone before ❤️❤️❤️ I'm just very sv!cid4l lately, I needed to get my feelings out on Tumblr!!

☁️🌀☁️

- OFFICIAL UPDATE -

Well hello everyone.

How are we doing?!

I feel like it's been so long (probably because it has).

I'm doing much better, I was in the hospital for a while and I've spent the past week getting reacclimated to my life and adjusting to the loss of my job.

But I'm okay, I'm with my family and they support me. So I'm safe and healthy, working on getting my mentality back on track.

I'm glad to say I will be coming back to tumblr but I won't be doing a schedule anymore. Writing for me is something that I shouldn't try to force, I need to allow myself space to breathe if it isn't working. So I will notify you guys with a teaser when a new chapter is coming within a week of it posting okay?

That way you guys know when something is coming but it's not so rigid.

I love you guys and I really appreciate you being there for me during this time.

I especially wanna thank:

@bangtanhome, @jimilter, @ressjeon, @ladyartemesia and all of the lovely member of the Bangtan Sorcerie Network that have been supporting me during this time. You are all amazing and I love you dearly.

Thanks guys for being there for me.

Fellow authors and my readers.

I'm back, and I hope you're as excited at me <3

- Jess <3

Fathoms

Can you trust the empty fathoms? Those dark ravines in your mind? That meaningless void inside, The cracks and the holes that cover you?

Can you even perceive the immeasurable despair that fills you? That seeps inside your bones like the lonely cold, That  gnaws on your corpse like the cat you neglected to feed?

Can you even understand  the pain you have caused in yourself? The suffering you have wrought from your absence? The tragedy that will come when you fail to open your eyes and see the world again?

No. You cannot trust yourself to be kind. You cannot perceive yourself, not truly. You cannot understand the joy I feel around you.

You are immeasurable, Cold, Dark, And alone.

Your heart is a ship lost at sea, A child left on a doorstep, The only painting in a museum, A puddle of blood being washed away in the rain.

You look in the mirror and say, “Loveless” “Forgettable” “Inadequate”

But I look in your eyes and whisper contradictions. “Loved, at least by one.” “Will always be remembered, even in little ways.” “Absolutely perfect in my mind.”

Remember that I will be your lighthouse, Your blanket when you feel cold, Your companion when you feel alone, And your light when you only feel the dark.

Sunshine

Smiling like the sun My teeth hurt from the Sweets craved, desired, wanted

Dough and soup To keep me kind and warm Lovely and nice

I am not made Of sugar and spice But odd bitter flavors

Like the aftertaste of an orange Lemons in a meringue Sugar rotting in your mouth

When do you wake up Afternoon sun on your sheets Deciding you’ve had enough

Enough of misery Enough of shame Enough of fear

I found my breaking point A couple days ago The beckoning of fall spurring me on

Onward and outward, Into that post-summer sun

Journal 7 - 8/17/2021

So although I have been sick for the last few days, I'm starting to come back slowly. I don't need to stay in bed all day anymore luckily and I'm back on my feet. My coughing still needs to be worked on so I'm hoping the Robitussin takes care of that officially. Today's my last day off from work and I hope to get some stuff planned and taken care of today despite my exhaustion still. (I know I should still rest but my mind is awake and I cannot take another day of doing nothing... it actually annoys the heck out of me.)

Anyway, things have been looking up for me lately, I have a new job that I will be starting soon in September~ I'm hoping this will be a much more positive work environment and won't be completely draining all the time. I'll still be doing the same thing but the new environment has been something I've been after. There are some people in my current work environment that have a vendetta against me for no reason and I can't even reason with them because I don't know what they're mad about. It's grown into such an awful, hateful work atmosphere... And you know it's bad when even in my fever dreams, it's about my hateful coworkers... It's literally driving me to madness. It's funny because I used to get along with everyone perfectly fine, I literally don't know what happened.

Lately I've been planning some extra content, reading up on some books, studying up, trying to come up with a "curriculum" (not quite sure what to call it) for all of you. I feel like I've really been falling flat on my face lately and I apologize... Life is difficult for me right now financially and mentally. I have all these ideas and don't quite know what to do with them yet unfortunately but it'll come to me, I promise.

Stay Blessed,

RaveMey

Okay, I changed my mind, he was actually really sweet and told me he would kiss each and every one of my scars individually, which is so sweet.

I honestly always wished for someone to do that, I thunk it would really help me a lot and make me feel good.

Him only saying that was already enough to make me feel a little better :)

Tw: slight mention of sh

I feel so gross.

I'm trying to not relapse and bring myself to feel something and I am just texting with this guy and he wanted like, a picture, and I was like, alright and he was like,

You are covered in cuts

Well, yeah, you didn't have to tell me, I already know, but thanks for bringing it up??

Now I feel disgusting because of my scars and because I sent a pic in the first place, yay!!

Tw: slight mention of sh

I want to tell him how much he is improving my quality if life but I don't want to be annoying...

I fucking started sewing again?? I am making my own clothes and patches and I started studying again.

And it's okay. He even passively stopped me from relapsing soooo many times.

I see my wounds healing and I am okay-ish with it. He tells me I'm pretty. He tells me he likes me. And I kind of belive him.

I want to tell him all of that. I want to tell him that he is really helping me by just existing the way he is.

He makes me feel safe and protected and better.

Someone I love tells me a story,

It reminds me of you,

Suddenly I am calling you good when you say you are bad.

Suddenly I am still in love with you.

And when I come back,

I am happy like it is now,

I see your name and smile,

My scars itch,

But I am getting better.

I am starting to heal.

Gueess whose back better and swell!!!

Old friend of mine went with me to the river walk this morning. It was nice. Refreshing from being miserable this past week. Though I am utterly exhausted. I couldn't fall asleep until 9:15am ..... and woke up for the river walk at 9:55am 🫠🫠🫠🫠

I feel most at home in the air. But I must say, I'm quite comfortable in water. It's so soothing. Whether for recreation or health. It just.... it quiets my mind/worries. I exist in a weird mental state, (good weird) and my body isnt (usually) in pain when I'm in it.

We caught up about life stuff. He talked a lot about his DND stuff (which I thoroughly enjoy listening to) and then mostly stayed quiet. Some chatter here and there. But it was nice just existing for a while with an old friend.

I've known him since.... maybe 13/14? Half my life. Good guy. Retired early from the marines due to injury? His girl he's been going steady with's birthday is the day before his, and his is the day before mine. Just a tidbit I find funny. They moved in together, big things! He's really happy. She has brought an era of peace to his life that honestly he really needed and deserves and I'm so happy he has that.

Good things good things. I feel quite content myself. Whenever we hang out (few and far between because, life) my brain speedruns from when we met fresh into middle school until present day. Just, all the life that has happened between then and now. Kind of a nostalgic and sentimental brain thing that happens with him and a select few people from my earlier years.

Love it. Good day frens.

My Best Model 🌺🍃

Hi! Feeling better? Or still having to take that crappy medicine? Lolz- Anyways if you ever have time could you draw my oc? Ty ;3 (Just tell me if Yu don't :D)

Ah yes I am feeling better ^_^ in just taking a bit of a break yk, like watching deadpool and wolverine for the 12th time 😋, but yeah sure I'll draw ur oc >_<