Maybe In Another Universe, I Can Ask For Help When I Need It.

maybe in another universe, I can ask for help when I need it.

CW: VENT

i just want to give up already. I don't even know who i am anymore.

"ill never leave you" liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar

People really think I'm joking when I say my emotions get so intense that I believe the only way out is to kill myself.

CW: PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR MENTIONS, SUICIDE, ANXIETY, A FUCKTON OF SELF BLAME, VENT

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You really want to know how i truly feel? fine.

I don't want to keep talking about my behavioral issues from 2021 and the accusations that came with that behavior. I know you guys are getting sick of it, trust me, I am too.

but if every single little thing in my life is just gonna keep reminding me of it

EVERY SINGLE DAY I BREATHE...

So be it.

I'm not even trying to be funny about it, anytime i think, no matter if my thoughts are just casual or intrusive, the memories are still there. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

And given how many bullshit apology videos are out there to basically blame the victims of a specific situation, I'm starting to question if making my own apology video is even a good idea anymore. I don't want to blame my victims or the witnesses for something that happened 4-5 years ago. It's not and never was their fault, at all. Even if i did make that apology video, all it'd do is just make more people angry at me, so what's even the point anymore?

And god forbid I relapse my problematic behavior and not realize it untill it's too late, because then i get told it's my fault that I'm suffering and probably at my lowest point in my life since 2020, and that I should just kill myself at this point.

And probably the worst part about it: It doesn't even matter if I get professional help to fix my behavior, it doesn't matter how much I hold myself accountable and try to repair the damage I've done. Nobody will view me as a human being thanks to what happened. Everyone will always view me as nothing more than the "tiktok bitch filthy fangirl that causes trouble for everyone" and basically avoid me like the plague.

To the people that cancelled me and/or made me this way in the first place: Congratulations, I hope you're fucking happy, because i'm 17 years old, meaning that i'm about to be an adult soon, and I don't want to get a job because I'm worried my digital footprint is ruined permanently, I can't sleep at night because all I can think about is how bad my future is gonna be, I don't want to go out or hang out with friends anymore because I'm scared to death they're gonna find out and leave me, and then convince other people to straight up avoid me and treat me like shit, and I think about killing myself almost on autopilot because I feel like i'm beyond repair and that I can't be saved.

The only reason why i haven't just up and quit by now yet is because of fucking Tony Crynight of all people. AND THAT EMOTIONLESS PUPPET INCEL DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING REMEMBER ME ANYMORE BECAUSE HE'S SO BUSY WORKING ON ANIMATIONS THAT ANY MEMORY OF ME HAS FADED INTO OBSCURITY.

...

Okay, maybe the incel comment was a little bit fucking over the top, but at the end of the day I'm just surprised people even talk to me anymore despite what happened in 2021. why do people even care about me anymore? for that matter, why are people even around me, even if they do know? Don't they know i'll just hurt them again? God, people are stupid.

Oh! and I know there's gonna be tons of people asking me "well, what DID happen back in 2021?" Trust me, it's for the best that you don't get the context. There's some of you out there that already know anyway.

Even I get sick and disturbed looking back at what happened..

I don't even know why i'm even making this post, considering i'm just getting more people involved into something they shouldn't, but fuck it at this point. My reputation's already fucked anyway.

I can't do this anymore.. Why am I even trying..?

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bpd is not knowing if you’re a good person or if you’re a bad person and you’re just gaslighting yourself to believe you’re a good person.