Problematic In Recovery - Tumblr Posts
Hi!!!
Welcome to my vent account!
This is where I will be posting all of my vent content (Mainly stuff regarding BPD and my thoughts on online drama), it's kind of like making a public diary lmao
I also reblog other people's vents that I relate to, so if you see me reblog your vent post, that's why :3 (if you need me to take it down, please let me know, and I will)
My main account: @nozomi-kaizoku
My posts on this account will contain or mention the following:
Suicide and suicidal ideation
Self harm
Any relevant drama that goes viral (ex: the YandereDev situation)
Negative perceptions of my relationships and myself
Sex, sexual topics and self sexualization
Ableism (including internalized ableism and stigma against my disorder)
Psych wards
Invalidation
Hopelessness for the future
The hardships that come with BPD (such as mood swings and dissociation)
Anxiety
Mentions of some problematic behavior I did back in 2021 (do not ask me about it btw, I'm not comfortable with going into detail and I might not remember everything)
Wanting to be in a relationship with older men (mainly with men in their 30's)
Attention-seeking behavior
Incel/Femcel stuff (I DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH GENUINELY BAD PEOPLE)
Other things that might be potential triggering
If you are not comfortable with any of the above in any way, please DNI and do not come onto my page (see boundaries for other DNI criteria). I do not want my content to cause harm in any way.
Thank you.
Name: Nozomi Kaizoku, but I'm cool with Nozomi, Zomie/Zomi (doesn't matter the spelling), or just Luca(s) or Pheonix
I'm 17 (My birthday is 01/14)
Pronouns: He/they/it
Disabilities and mental conditions: autism (professionally diagnosed), ADHD (professionally diagnosed), PTSD (Professionally diagnosed), ARFID (avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder, professionally diagnosed), Iron deficiency (caused by ARFID), BPD (professionally diagnosed) MDD (Major depressive disorder, professionally diagnosed), GAD (generalized Anxiety disorder, professionally diagnosed), PDD (persistent Depressive disorder, professionally diagnosed). (all except autism, ADHD, PTSD and ARFID are provisional)
Sexuality and Gender Identity: Pansexual, Aromantic, and Non-Binary (Masculine and androgynous terms for me are cool with me)
Always Welcome!! (unless you end up on the DNI list somehow)
Neurodivergent people of all kinds (especially autistic and ADHD folk)
Anyone of any mental illness
FNAF fans, canon and AU (especially Tony crynight fans)
Any race, gender, sexuality, religion, disability, etc. (this is a safe space)
Any fandom (outside of what is on the DNI)
Weird/cringe people of all kinds (furries, therians, alt fashion, etc.)
Problematic in recovery people (basically any content creators who are problematic and in the process of stopping their problematic behavior) (this s a pro-recovery page)
Just cool people in general!
Anyone 14 and over
Unless I made you an exception, DO NOT INTERACT (DNI) (you will be blocked)
Anyone in the Gacha fandom (as cool as the content is, the community is way too toxic for me to handle)
Anyone in the Hazbin Hotel fandom (same reasoning as the Gacha Fandom + Vivziepop is way too problematic for me to handle)
anyone under 14 (I'd rather not expose anyone that's really young to any sort of content that's gonna mess them up for life. Trust me, I saw some shit I wasn't supposed to at a young age and it messed me up big time.)
Anyone who openly shares their political ideology (No hate against any of you, but I've seen way too many people get into fights over one's political viewpoint, and I'd rather not have that negativity on here. I'm considered a "leftist/democrat/liberal" incase anyone is curious, but I'm not gonna talk about it much on here)
Springtrap x Ballora shippers (most of y'all are toxic as fuck and I don't like it)
DNI (no exceptions) (you will be blocked)
Anyone who fits into these categories: Ableism (especially against neurodivergent people and anyone with "evil" mental illnesses, such as NPD or BPD), Racism, Sexism/misogyny, Homophobia/ transphobia, Antisemitism, Pro-genocide of any kind, Nazis and Neo-Nazis, pro-"life", or any sort of discrimination that I haven't listed here.
People who justify literal bullying as "criticism" (seriously, it never helps, there's a difference between actual criticism that can help someone and bullying)
Tony Crynight Anti's (this is a Tony Crynight fanpage, and as such, any hate against him will be deleted and blocked)
Personality disorder Abuse believers (eg: Narcissist abuse believers)
People who make mental illness look like a quirky trend (Eg: saying "bpd = beautiful princess disorder", "I'm so OCD" etc.) (mental illness isn't fun at all, coming from experience) (ONLY APPLIES TO NEUROTYPICALS, SOME PEOPLE WITH THE DISORDER USE THESE JOKES AS A COPING MECHANISM)
Fashion Jirais (due to harassment and spreading harmful misconceptions about mental health and the Jirai community)
Anti-recovery (especially when it comes down to mental illness)
Cancel culture participants (most of yall are anti-recovery and pro-bullying.)
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Feel free to reblog my posts if you find it relatable, but please be respectful about any criticism you have, otherwise you will be blocked.
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That's all folks! /ref
CW: MENTAL HEALTH STUFF, SUICIDE, PSYCH WARDS, VENT, THE PUMPKIN THE GENTLEMAN AND MELANIE MARTINEZ SITUATION
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Being mentally ill as a minor and rarely getting the proper help for it is genuinely traumatizing.
I just started school the week after I got sent to the psych ward, and it's been so stressful to have to deal with trying to re-integrate myself into society, and I feel like I'm back where I started a couple of weeks ago. And I feel horrible about it.
I'm back to being on the internet non-stop, which means I'm having to constantly see shit related to the pumpkin the gentleman and Melanie Martinez situations and constantly arguing with people over it, and I've had to switch to taking different ADHD medications, because apparently my insurance doesn't cover my last medications, and it's $40 a refill, and since I was left unmedicated for the past two weeks, I've been struggling to pay attention in school, and it's really setting me off. And it doesn't help that I got forced to go off my anxiety medications because it was causing my mood swings to get worse..
I hate being mentally ill. I hate having people actively avoid me over my mental illness, I hate constantly thinking about killing myself, I hate having all of my thoughts be jumbled around all of the time, I hate how I hurt people and can't do anything to stop it, I hate myself so much, I hate it all.
Therapy was supposed to be a fresh start in my life, but I guess it doesn't matter how many "starts" I get. It all ends the same.
There's always something that messes it up and suddenly I'm back to doomscrolling on tiktok for hours at a time and mass-blocking all of my friends when something happens between us. It's draining and awful to go through almost every day.
And the fact that my bpd symptoms have gotten to the point where I'm hurting people over it makes it worse, because then it makes people hate me even more, and I've lost a lot of friends over it (I miss those friends btw)
I just wish I could go back to the psych ward, I was so much happier there and I didn't have to worry about all of this 24/7/365.
CW: VENT, PSYCH WARD MENTIONS
And just like that, I'm one thing online going wrong away from considering quitting and sending myself to a psych ward so I could live there for the rest of my life and hopefully never be let out so that I can finally stop suffering.
Seriously, it's so fucking hard to avoid getting into any controversy nowadays and i can't take it anymore wtffff
God forbid a neurodivergent and mentally ill person has a happy ending i guess...
CW: PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR MENTIONS, SUICIDE, ANXIETY, A FUCKTON OF SELF BLAME, VENT
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You really want to know how i truly feel? fine.
I don't want to keep talking about my behavioral issues from 2021 and the accusations that came with that behavior. I know you guys are getting sick of it, trust me, I am too.
but if every single little thing in my life is just gonna keep reminding me of it
EVERY SINGLE DAY I BREATHE...
So be it.
I'm not even trying to be funny about it, anytime i think, no matter if my thoughts are just casual or intrusive, the memories are still there. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.
And given how many bullshit apology videos are out there to basically blame the victims of a specific situation, I'm starting to question if making my own apology video is even a good idea anymore. I don't want to blame my victims or the witnesses for something that happened 4-5 years ago. It's not and never was their fault, at all. Even if i did make that apology video, all it'd do is just make more people angry at me, so what's even the point anymore?
And god forbid I relapse my problematic behavior and not realize it untill it's too late, because then i get told it's my fault that I'm suffering and probably at my lowest point in my life since 2020, and that I should just kill myself at this point.
And probably the worst part about it: It doesn't even matter if I get professional help to fix my behavior, it doesn't matter how much I hold myself accountable and try to repair the damage I've done. Nobody will view me as a human being thanks to what happened. Everyone will always view me as nothing more than the "tiktok bitch filthy fangirl that causes trouble for everyone" and basically avoid me like the plague.
To the people that cancelled me and/or made me this way in the first place: Congratulations, I hope you're fucking happy, because i'm 17 years old, meaning that i'm about to be an adult soon, and I don't want to get a job because I'm worried my digital footprint is ruined permanently, I can't sleep at night because all I can think about is how bad my future is gonna be, I don't want to go out or hang out with friends anymore because I'm scared to death they're gonna find out and leave me, and then convince other people to straight up avoid me and treat me like shit, and I think about killing myself almost on autopilot because I feel like i'm beyond repair and that I can't be saved.
The only reason why i haven't just up and quit by now yet is because of fucking Tony Crynight of all people. AND THAT EMOTIONLESS PUPPET INCEL DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING REMEMBER ME ANYMORE BECAUSE HE'S SO BUSY WORKING ON ANIMATIONS THAT ANY MEMORY OF ME HAS FADED INTO OBSCURITY.
...
Okay, maybe the incel comment was a little bit fucking over the top, but at the end of the day I'm just surprised people even talk to me anymore despite what happened in 2021. why do people even care about me anymore? for that matter, why are people even around me, even if they do know? Don't they know i'll just hurt them again? God, people are stupid.
Oh! and I know there's gonna be tons of people asking me "well, what DID happen back in 2021?" Trust me, it's for the best that you don't get the context. There's some of you out there that already know anyway.
Even I get sick and disturbed looking back at what happened..
I don't even know why i'm even making this post, considering i'm just getting more people involved into something they shouldn't, but fuck it at this point. My reputation's already fucked anyway.
I can't do this anymore.. Why am I even trying..?
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CW: VENT
i just want to give up already. I don't even know who i am anymore.
bpd culture is "why are you taking so long to respond??? did i say something wrong?? do you think im stupid/weird??" :(
.
I want to feel important please 🫧
Things I'm good at :
• ??????????
• ???????
•????
• ???????
• feeling like a burden and bed rotting
Normalize lying to your therapist so you won't get admitted to the grippy socks jail.
And just like that, I have wasted another weekend, in my house, scrolling through social media and arguing with dumbasses on tiktok, and not hanging out with my friends or going out.
I fucking hate my life.
bpd traits culture is I love them so much so why do I keep having the strong urge to block them
- 🪨
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Im trying to prove a point to my mum
Repost if school has caused:
Anxiety Depression Suicidal thoughts Social anxiety Eating disorders Self harm Stress
"I wish I had BPD :3" NO YOU FUCKING DON'T...
Just today I lost one of my closest friends because I decided me THREATENING TO KILL MYSELF AND REFUSING TO LISTEN TO ANYONE WHO TRIED TO STOP ME FROM KILLING MYSELF was a good way to handle a mental health crisis I was having. And when I tried to apologize because by the time i wanted to reconnect, i realized I fucked up and needed to apologize, they didn't want to fucking hear it, and now most of the people who saw what happened don't want to talk to me anymore over it.
This shit has happened NUMEROUS times in the past, and shit like this is the sole reason why BPD is even medically recognized as one of the hardest disorders to live with (look it up if you don't believe me).
BUT APPARENTLY PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING UNEDUCATED ABOUT BPD THAT THE MINUTE SOMEONE SHOWS A NOT-SO-PRETTY SYMPTOM OF BPD ALL OF A SUDDEN THE PERSON IN QUESTION IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD, IT'S FUCKING AWFUL....
I'm shaking rn as I'm making this post, and I'm still getting myself admitted to the ward because I'm still in a fucking crisis, but I just hate how awfully romanticized bpd is, and I wish there was a cure for it because I hate living like this.
I hate losing the only people that actually give a shit about me, I hate lashing out at and leaving people that clearly don't deserve it, I hate mis-perceiving the tiniest flaws in relationships as threats, I FUCKING HATE IT ALL.
And get this: The whole Pumpkin The Gentleman situation and the Melanie Martinez situation are making this shit worse for me because now I have to deal with people's opposing views being misperceived as a threat and therefore ruining relationships I actually care about.
Basically It's a never-ending cycle of me losing people I care about and dealing with the after effects of that, plus my already existing mental health issues that are fucking me over, and I just want to go into a coma rn and forget about all of this.
none of this is funny, having BPD isn't funny, abandonment issues aren't funny, losing friends isn't funny, fuck y'all, goodnight.
undiagnosed BPD/problematic in recovery culture is knowing you did some really fucked up shit in your life and wanting to address and apologize for all of it, but at the same time never being able to comfortably speak about what you did with anyone because you're worried that the people you care about most are going to leave you and abandon you because of what you did, and while that's happening you're also struggling to remember half of the details because looking back at what you did is so triggering even to yourself and when you try to tell people that they automatically assume you're lying, so in the end you're just left with being forced to stay silent about it and never giving your victims justice despite wanting to.
so yeah, I've decided not to make that apology video in the end because the risks outweigh the benefits and i'd get sent death threats for what happened either way.
I'm sorry.
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Not exactly a "BPD culture is" ask, but more so an open discussion
Does anyone else with BPD sometimes feel like they don't have a grip on their reality? With all of the splitting, having no perception of myself outside of how others see me, and being able to completely flip my opinions on things in an instant, a lot of times I feel like I have no idea what's real or not. What's actually happening or what's just in my mind.
Do any other BPD havers feel like this too?
We can relate to this! 🙋
- iris 🌸
my brain is weird because I could be literally doing anything and all of a sudden i could be dissociating so hard and having an existential crisis questioning my relationships with people and my self image and reality, all while doing that task and trying to act as normal as possible so that people don't end up just mistreating you again.