Cluster B Safe - Tumblr Posts

when someone asks me what i like

i hate my brain because im supposed to be studying but i literally cannot stop thinking about how (basically me, my ex and our friend we all went to a thing together) and my ex split to go study somewhere else different from us two and after they split off us two (me and my friend) the vibes immediately went up lol

that is to say, i am superior to my ex in every way and i bet theyre miserable while us two are actually being productive (well as productive as i can be while these thoughts fucking took over my mind. i hope posting this makes them shut the fuck up a little bit) and i hope theyre fucking sad while us two are joking around

being hpd/npd/in recovery is fucking wild because theres this guy that is so obsessive and i have like three reactions to him:

holy fuck hes fucking obsessed YES PLEASE hello??? i can do whatever the fuck i want??? and he is so akjsjjkaskdjksakjajsdlasjkdsa. the attention he gives me is so everything and i dont have to do anything for it. like ill wake up and have three digit notifications from him. LIKE. HELLO. and i can literally not even read any of it and send him a one sentence response. and he is so fucking EASY hes like a fucking dog. like he'll do whatever i say and he gives me so much attention especially sexually and romantically and god. its so FUNNY. its so addicting and like. he doesnt even fucking realise how much hes obsessed. (and he doesnt realise this isnt what friends do.... haha)

i hope he fucking kills himself. like. he is the worst man ever and he is so ANNOYING and he has such a shit reputation and can we just fucking drop him already like fucking. i hope he dies. i hope he suffers a long and painful death. but not too long. god and can he like stop. ive already told him multiple times to his face that i hate him and i hope he dies and that i dont care about him. hes such a nuisance and ive told him. like. stop. stop stop stop. kill yourself. like please hes such a BITCH- calling him a dog would be an insult to dogs.

hello why the fuck are we still??? talking to him??? god we are fucking arguing with ourselves everyday and also like its not worth it. and also he's fucking stalking us??? like yes i understand we get a kick out of it but also we are terrified??? LIKE. AND HES AWFUL. AND ANNOYING. can we fucking stop talking to him already??? we've expressed to him multiple times we hate his ass and he doesnt listen. he doesnt fucking listen???? gang- like-

anyways worth it

gang i love having low empathy honestly. just makes life slightly more convenient. like yeah maybe i want emotions but like. empathy kind of seems like a bother no?

if there was no one around me, who would i be?

would i even want to draw doodles in the sand?

not to brag but i have a friend who gives me attention when i explicitly express i need it and understands that im cluster b and actively cares for me with it

sometimes i wonder what i could have done differently.

but i was only five, eight, twelve years old. he was only twelve, fifteen, twenty years old.

my brother deserved better. i couldn't have helped him.

i was the golden, favourite child. more beloved than him. so sometimes i wonder what i could have done differently. instead of being paralysed, pathetically crying or drowning out the screaming as i hid. as the police sirens came to our house. having to ignore the blood and slamming noises.

as the golden child. the delicate, younger one. more perfect. more in line. sometimes i wonder if i could have stopped our parents. that maybe he would see my innocent beady eyes filled with sadness.

but i couldn't have.

because as i idealise that life i forget all the times my own life has been on the line. spit on my face. cigarette smoke blowing off his jacket. and where my father would yell at me and my mother would scold him. yet on another occasion the only comfort i could receive was being enshrouded by nicotine while her screams punctured my heart.

being the favourite did not mean being gold. it just meant coming out barely better than last place. it meant i had valued holding my tongue back. under the table jabs rather than overt critiques. that i forgot how to cry. that i cried when it was neither our parents fault and they felt like good parents for comforting me. that that was the only time i could receive attention and love.

my performance was the only thing deserving of love. that i was better than everyone else. but still beloved by everyone. that everyone was looking at me. that everyone was looking at me? i did not feel good about that one. they drilled it into me that i should be happy about it.

i have not had a conversation with my brother until this year. not a proper one.

i still wonder what i could have done differently.

i hold nothing but pure rage in me

I'm diagnosed aspd/ non npd, autistic, ptsd, c-ptsd with extreme dissociation, dissociative amnesia and dissociative fugue, anxiety disorder, ocd ( chaotic) , mdd, depression inducuced agoraphobia.

I was dx a plethora of other things along the way, but everything else has been taken off the table the last year/ year and a half.

I'm open about everything except my aspd. Few people know about that because of the stigmatization and so many people just clumping it with npd? They are different disorders.

Like most cluster b disorders, they are trauma and environmentally induced. YOU CAN GET TREATMENT FOR THE SYMPTOMS.

- What it's like for me? I'm very emotionally flat. Or I definitely was a lot more before treatment. I didn't understand empathy, compassionate. I had to Google that one. It's very rare that I feel bad or remorseful for anything I do. I don't see the point. I made the choice to do it. It's very hard for me to connect to the emotions of other people. I mostly just do not care, though I've learned that is inappropriate. It's rare that I find interest in friendships, companionship, a partner. I do get bored easily. Becoming I don't understand emotions, I find life to be quite meaningless. Hence the MDD. I do have horrible intrusive thoughts, but again, I'm in treatment. I'm currently going through hormonally treatment to treat the dangerous symptoms that accompany aspd. With all cluster b, it's a reason but it is not an excuse. You have to put in major major work to undo what caused it to begin with.

If you have other questions feel free.

A genuine question for people with ASPD or/and NPD

People with ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) or/and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), I am genuinely curious about what you believe is the core part of aspd and npd, and how you see the world. How does it feel to have these disorders? How do people treat you? How do you treat people? How can one understand how it must be like for you?

These disorders are VERY stigmatised. Even actual medical journals and sites perpetuate this stigmatisation, and there's this whole thing of "narcissistic abuse" or that all people with antisocial personality disorder are serial killers. I simply refuse to believe this, it's not nuanced enough, and I genuinely seek to understand. And maybe other people may find this thread of posts and also understand.

So people with npd/aspd, add on, explain anything you wish people knew about your disorder.

Coming from a fellow person with a highly stigmatised disorder (schizophrenia) who wishes to understand.

The more I learn about cluster B disorders, the more I realise that people are only supportive of mental illnesses that they can woobify/fetishise. Anything that doesn’t fit neatly into one of those boxes (Which applies to most cluster B disorders, especially ASPD, and NPD) gets demonised. Ableism is A-ok when it’s against someone who lacks the traits that neurotypicals find desirable.

At this point I’m convinced that empathy is a lie created by neurotypicals to further demonise the mentally ill. No one can ever claim to feel exactly what someone else is feeling, and if they do, they’re a liar who’s making someone else’s feelings all about them

I often second guess myself on whether I even have npd because, you see, I am simply too mentally healthy™ to have such a disorder. I am just too well adjusted™ and not mentally ill™ and weak™ like those LOSERS, I am superior™ in every sense and I couldn't afford to have a weakness

But then this leads me into thinking that all the things I do are because I'm just an evil asshole or something and that I can't hide behind a disorder, that I'm genuinely just an evil person who's just shitty and hurts others for absolutely no reason and it all eventually leads back into me wanting to kms because I can't stand the idea of being a bad person and people not liking me because then it means that I failed as a human being and that I'm not as great™ as I thought I was

I want to give pwNPD and BPD, HPD, ASPD all the love. virtual hugs. you guys deserve it. every day you're bombarded with ppl who would rather abuse you and use you as a scapegoat for the entire world's problems than actually solve any problems. the shit people say about you on the daily is horrifying. may you find the strength to keep going in spite of it.

question for my narcs, who have you told about your diagnosis? and has your family been shitty about it?

I'm asking because I'm trying to get diagnosed but I'm worried my family being shitty about it. like "you're manipulating me right now aren't you!!" is something I'm worried about hearing.

I want to express my feelings violently

I want to express my feelings violently

I want to express my feelings violently

I want to express my feelings violently

I want to express my feelings violently

I want to express my feelings violently

I wANT TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS VIOLENTLY BUT I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK THAT I SUPPRESS ANY AND ALL STRESS I FEEL THEN TAKE IT OUT ON MYSELF LATER

Autism, the worst one (/silly) mlm, c-did, c-ptsd, gad, and insomnia

audience test

How many disorders do you match with me

NPD

ASPD

STPD

ADHD

AUTISM

SENSORY PROCESSING DISORDER

MAN LOVING MEN (the worst one)

C-DID

C-PTSD

DYSLEXIA

LIKES PICKLES

BIPOLAR / MANIC DEPRESSION

GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER

SELECTIVE MUTISM (fluctuates)

HYPER MOBILITY DISORDER

RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME

INSOMNIA

HCD (huge cock disorder. contagious so I have to be quarantined)

(all medically recognized. don't come @ me because I'm a fucked up guy) ((huge cock disorder is self diagnosed but you have to believe me))

this was actually a very vulnerable post to make but I want ableists to block me and we should not be ashamed to be disordered

Friendly reminder that people with stigmatized personality disorders like Borderline, Narcissistic, and Antisocial are people, too, and they struggle with their disorders more than anyone else. That's why it's called a "disorder;" it impacts their life in a negative way because of, more often than not, childhood trauma. People typically develop personality disorders because of things they went through in childhood that fundamentally changed the way their brains work, and it takes so much therapy and constant hard work to unlearn the behaviors adopted in childhood. (Not to mention that traumatized people are more likely to be re-traumatized later in life.) Vilifying people with these disorders is extremely harmful to them, others they care about, and those who care about them.

We are people, just like you. Please, be kind.

(imo npd creature by @imnotherelmao)

this!!!

If you advocate for mental health awareness, but joke about things like intrusive thoughts and schizophrenia, think it’s disgusting and lazy when people who are depressed can’t do things like showering or cleaning their room, use terms like “narcissistic abuse”, and believe that having ASPD, BPD, or NPD makes someone a bad person, you are not a mental health advocate. You don’t actually care about helping people or de-stigmatizing mental illness, you just want to make yourself feel like you do. You can’t pick and choose what disorders and symptoms are acceptable, and which ones make someone a bad person. Either you support everyone, or you support no one.

and if you’re neurodivergent/mentally ill and you do any of those things, you are part of the problem. there’s no such thing as “good/moral” disorders, or “bad/immoral” disorders. We all need to have each other’s backs.

The whole, "K*lling urself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" bullshit is spouted by the ignorant lucky ones who have only had temporary problems. Some people's problems are permanent so maybe try offering actual help and support to them rather than regurgitating an overused phrase that means nothing to people with real struggles.

bpd is not knowing if you’re a good person or if you’re a bad person and you’re just gaslighting yourself to believe you’re a good person.