Actually Histrionic - Tumblr Posts

the attention whore disorder and the emotional impermanence disorder had a terrible, awful lovechild and it was me

@lehhoh7822 sent me this video and now i have to post about it because i love talking about about hypersexuality and shame but im too lazy (aka feel too incompetent) to type my thoughts out so i share it with yall

being hpd/npd/in recovery is fucking wild because theres this guy that is so obsessive and i have like three reactions to him:

holy fuck hes fucking obsessed YES PLEASE hello??? i can do whatever the fuck i want??? and he is so akjsjjkaskdjksakjajsdlasjkdsa. the attention he gives me is so everything and i dont have to do anything for it. like ill wake up and have three digit notifications from him. LIKE. HELLO. and i can literally not even read any of it and send him a one sentence response. and he is so fucking EASY hes like a fucking dog. like he'll do whatever i say and he gives me so much attention especially sexually and romantically and god. its so FUNNY. its so addicting and like. he doesnt even fucking realise how much hes obsessed. (and he doesnt realise this isnt what friends do.... haha)

i hope he fucking kills himself. like. he is the worst man ever and he is so ANNOYING and he has such a shit reputation and can we just fucking drop him already like fucking. i hope he dies. i hope he suffers a long and painful death. but not too long. god and can he like stop. ive already told him multiple times to his face that i hate him and i hope he dies and that i dont care about him. hes such a nuisance and ive told him. like. stop. stop stop stop. kill yourself. like please hes such a BITCH- calling him a dog would be an insult to dogs.

hello why the fuck are we still??? talking to him??? god we are fucking arguing with ourselves everyday and also like its not worth it. and also he's fucking stalking us??? like yes i understand we get a kick out of it but also we are terrified??? LIKE. AND HES AWFUL. AND ANNOYING. can we fucking stop talking to him already??? we've expressed to him multiple times we hate his ass and he doesnt listen. he doesnt fucking listen???? gang- like-

anyways worth it

if there was no one around me, who would i be?

would i even want to draw doodles in the sand?

not to brag but i have a friend who gives me attention when i explicitly express i need it and understands that im cluster b and actively cares for me with it

sometimes i wonder what i could have done differently.

but i was only five, eight, twelve years old. he was only twelve, fifteen, twenty years old.

my brother deserved better. i couldn't have helped him.

i was the golden, favourite child. more beloved than him. so sometimes i wonder what i could have done differently. instead of being paralysed, pathetically crying or drowning out the screaming as i hid. as the police sirens came to our house. having to ignore the blood and slamming noises.

as the golden child. the delicate, younger one. more perfect. more in line. sometimes i wonder if i could have stopped our parents. that maybe he would see my innocent beady eyes filled with sadness.

but i couldn't have.

because as i idealise that life i forget all the times my own life has been on the line. spit on my face. cigarette smoke blowing off his jacket. and where my father would yell at me and my mother would scold him. yet on another occasion the only comfort i could receive was being enshrouded by nicotine while her screams punctured my heart.

being the favourite did not mean being gold. it just meant coming out barely better than last place. it meant i had valued holding my tongue back. under the table jabs rather than overt critiques. that i forgot how to cry. that i cried when it was neither our parents fault and they felt like good parents for comforting me. that that was the only time i could receive attention and love.

my performance was the only thing deserving of love. that i was better than everyone else. but still beloved by everyone. that everyone was looking at me. that everyone was looking at me? i did not feel good about that one. they drilled it into me that i should be happy about it.

i have not had a conversation with my brother until this year. not a proper one.

i still wonder what i could have done differently.