Well My Confession Today Is Kinda Weird...

Well my confession today is kinda weird...

Im so jealous of seeing other people happy with their parents... u know. I was watching a BTS clip and V was talking to his dad so happy telling him he was on his way to Norway asking him if he was jealous .. i laughed & i swooned, i was genuinely happy for him cos in that moment he looked so happy and it spread through to me as well but then my laughter turned bitter very fast.

I want that too... the relationship with my father. To call him out of the blue and tell him that im doing this or im going there... that this happened to me and m excited... i want someone to share great news with whom i know is genuinely happy for me like my dad or my mum.

But then again my life is not a bed of roses... that is not portion... i do have good news but i have no one to celebrate with... and sadly i cry alone whether its good or bad news cos either way its sad 😭😭😭...

Its a sad life tbh🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🥱 m just hanging in here

So about 3 weeks ago when i got my diagnosis about anaemia and hypothyroidism i was gutted and felt all alone right. I was crying and since i grew up in an adopted family that always says we are one, i decided to reach out in my moment of weakness to one of my sisters. She is a doctor by profession and i thought she can be knowledgeable and helpful in calming me down and be a good listener its not like i need money or anything, i just need someone i love to just be there for me emotionally cos i was bleeding.

So i called her and she declined my call so i was like okay let me wait so she will call me back. You see we are in 3 family group chat so obviously if someone is busy there wouldn't be forwarding jokes and replying to silly jokes in the groups. Until now i have heard no response, nothing. I have ended up comforting myself. Been to 3 doctors who were not helpful and now been planning to go see another one to find out if they will be helpful.

I am bitter to be honest, not against my sister, but just bitter that my parents are not alive. If they were alive, i would have a support network at least. That is all i need. I'm going blindly in this life without a road map and God bless my therapist but all she does is listens and does not really help me to make a decision when im stressed out.

Sometimes i just sound bitter and maybe that is why i keep getting sick 😂 and hence the cycle never ends... will it ever ends

Entitled people turn 70 and have their parents alive and still have everything figured out. When i am suffering with an orphan spirit, overcompensating in other areas lacking in the heart. Only God knows why i am here and where I am going. Very soon I will be able to ask Him a better question

For now, I rest my case & i will hang in here in the coldness of the neverending weird african winter...

Until then 💋💋💋💋

Okay i swear i did not mean to laugh or be mean or anything but, hear me out... anyone who has dealt with nightmares and paranoia will understand my humor. Its so dry it will put the sahara desert to shame but it still will make me laugh and been laughing all day today. I mean who took this video though. That's just hilarious but in a way a private moment for the baby boo.

So early this year i have been having crazy nightmares and yeah its been quite rough. I would often wake up like this dog on a couple of occasions. Sometimes i would be screaming out loud and its a good thing i stay alone otherwise that would be so weird. My first time waking up screaming and my voice was super horse and were tears streaming down my face and well i was so confused.

I kept crying silently but i was confused as hell like wtf. Why was i even so emotional and yeah i knew i was right to seek medical help. So i kept seing my psychiatrist and tbh i was in no mood to talk so i was not talking to any psychologist at that time. So i kept taking medication. The nightmares kept on for what felt like years infact now i look back it was only just a few months. Well now its a thing of the past i sleep like a baby and i hope that dog get treatment for that.

The moment i saw this gif everything came back and i was like OMG did i act out like that too? Did something like that happen to me too? I mean it was my first time to watch it happen to someone else and imagine that it was myself and that's when i lost it. I just kept laughing and feeling sorry for the doggie but well that must have some strange ass dream.

Now the million dollar question is... what was it about? Food? Fights? Bath? Well i guess we will never know.

As always i will keep holding on.

I actually m doing better these days after a few rough few weeks. So I thank God for that.

Until next time.💜🤗💋💋

I hate waking up in the morning on a Monday. Especially when im running out of meds and i have to find money to buy some medicine. It's not like ibdo not have money or anything butbi just hate spending my money on stuff like this.

My problem is PAIN. I mean not physical pain but mental pain. I just want it to stop and my doctor says one day it will stop with therapy and medication and that is why i have to keep on taking my medication. I hate it though. This past weekend I was in pain.

Nothing was fun, i was having nightmares, then i woke up tired and then i spent the whole day overthinking and then the cycle continued. I tried listening to music i mean BTS music always gets me out of this but this weekend i could not get out because of the stupid dreams. I have recently started reading fanfiction too so that helped wscape a lil bit. I hate watching movies and series i cancelled my Netflix membership on Friday. I mean i guess season changes is affecting me maybe.

Yesterday i was thinking about how im so alone and no one really knows me, like the real me. Like how im just a shell of myself. The things i go through i have no one who I can actually share with who gets me. My mum is not here and my dad too and my relationship with my brother is strained because we grew up apart because of the death of our parents so we are really not that close. So who can i really show the real me who can understand my journey and what i have been and talk back to me and say I understand.

People tell me God understands and i know He does, Km sure He watches over me, I have no doubt about that at all. But He never is there to hug me back and say its okay you can cry all you want. All i have is a pillow and an empty bed and room that i face and talk to with hopes that God is not too busy to hear me whine again about how Im sad again today. How nothing makes sense and how i just want to sleep forever.

He must be burdened to have a kid like me. In my last appointment with my psychiatrist i did not like how i felt at all. I hate it. But i felt guilty our appointment and started feeling as if maybe im being needy and being an attention seeker and just spending money to have someone talk to me. I guess that's just messed up. So i was thinking of stopping taking the medication and stopping therapy altogether and just let it go. Not die i mean just stop and i don't know. See what else is available as an option for me.

This became longer than i intended but i guess m too emotional today..

We all have those days i guess

Will keep holding on until next time

True

SAVAGE LOVE

I'm a lover of all things BTS and when they released the remix with Jason Derulo i was so excited not because i liked the original song. I had never heard it actually but because i really loved all the vocals on this tracks blended together. JD, JK, Suga, JHope everyone was just amazing.

I just wanted to talk about the meaning of the song though because like everything BTS they all relay a deeper meaning behind the vocals and sweet melody. Talking about how you can use me, eventhough you don't want me because i can not let you go. I found out you are dating me as a revenge plan for your ex and stuff. You don't give a what when we kissing and stuff.

Please!!!!

If i find out someone was doing that to me i ain't staying for that toxic love. I realised the guy i once dated was heartbroken by his ex girlfriend because he was once poor. So he just started using women after that. I had no idea and here i come an innocent girl trying to be bad for the first time. I had learnt to masturbate for the first time like 2 months before i visited this guy. Still i had not orgasmed. Well i was a virgin and had no idea what an orgasn felt like tbh.

So this guy then had sex with me and decided i was not his idea of a virgin because i did not bleed and did not discuss with me. So he started using me for sex without discussing it with me. All along i thought we would get married. Until he organized an outing with his friends and introduced me as his friend and introduced another girl as his "girlfriend" then he said "nope i cant say that really, maybe friends with benefits, that is the correct term" and they laughed. I was gutted. 🥺😭😭

I clearly heard the message and being faraway from home i just packed my bags and decided i was done and went back on my way. Its so sad though it still took me another 3 or 4 sexual encounters after that to eventually let go of that relationship completely. But i would never be able to let someone use me ever again. Knowing they have issues from their past relationship is a red flag and issa cause for me to run for cover, been burnt, ouch!!!!

I really do not regret having sex with him for I really learnt a lot from that experience. I almost killed myself too. I took 16 pills and tried to sleep and never wake up but God woke me up 😀😀😀 and i guess its something i will never try ever again. However if i were to do it all over again i would do it differently this time. I will never date the same guys i dated and i will take my time and be a totally different person this time around.

I will always want to count myself lucky and blessed that i did not get any infections f4om that loser for he insisted on not using protection and stuff🥺🙄🙄🙄 i was whipped and dumb and stupid now that i look back i see that I can not believe i was ever that kind of person. Grace covered and protected me i guess.

I hope someone gets encouraged by my stupid story filled with stupid decisions.....

As always i will keep holding on...

Until then 💋💋💋🤗🤗🤗