Tw Sa Implied - Tumblr Posts

On antisemitism, christian supremacy, sexism and some very personal events of my life as a traumatized teen mexican jew back in junior high (14yo).

Lyrics are from “Movie (Never Made)” by Silver Mt. Zion. Couldn’t get any more Jewish than that.

tw trauma vent

You sick bastard, I was SIXTEEN.

I was still a kid! Yeah, I was already pretty messed up, that doesn't give you ANY right to put your GODDAMN HANDS on me! You had NO FUCKING RIGHT to hold me down and do what you did. You KNEW what that would do, you knew for a fucking FACT that what you did would break me. What you said to me the first time still sticks with me to this day. Your words haunt my nightmares.

"Stop struggling, Tommy."

Those three little words are not all you said to me, but those were the ones that stuck in my head the most. Those words and your voice still follow me, along with the memory of you pinning my wrists to the ground while I begged you to stop. My mind goes fuzzy after that, but I know what you did.

Somehow, the aftermath was almost worse. Knowing what you'd done to me. Knowing I'd have to look my father in the eyes, knowing I'd have to talk to my brothers, knowing I'd hug my best friend, all while having to act like you didn't completely RUIN me. I could barely even look at anyone. I didn't want them to see how absolutely fucked up I was. Every single night I'd pray to god and beg for forgiveness for what you did to me. I felt that because YOU had made me dirty, that meant I was ruined forever and needed to pray for myself to rid my body of your imprint. I was dirty, stained, tainted. I myself was the sin you committed.

FUCK.

No matter what I was wearing,

And no matter where I could go,

Clothes do not mean yes

And no will always mean no.

Short as my skirt may have been,

And though I may have looked my best,

You did not ask for consent,

And I did not say yes.

I can still recall your hands

Where they should not have strayed,

And I will always remember

While for you it was just another day.

How many have fallen victim to you

And others who act the same?

Why are you still free to roam

And we get told to change our ways?

“I’m not afraid of God, I am afraid of men.” -Marina

i completely forgot about this route

tw: imagery of canonical child pr0st1tut!on, also warning for game spoilers ig

.

.

I stil cant beleive her own best friend wouldn’t let her stay with her this part of the game hurt me so much

i couldn’t go to bed last night so i ended up drawing pim

and then i kinda shifted to matthew self projecting vent art ???

tw: vent, drugs, SA, s3lf harm, and just sad shiz

don’t read if that makes you uncomfortable

Yeah so recently aka today I’ve been thinking abt my dad and how he did drugs it’s just been so hard to forget about it, and I have been worried for my mom sense she’s having money issues and we don’t want to move back in with my grandma, I’ve just been pretty depressed as of lately but some people on here who I won’t tag or anything just incase they don’t want to read a vent, they have really helped, my irl friends too.

I’ve been also thinking about how my mom’s old boyfriend basically SA me on fucking Father’s Day and I have just been thinking what if I never told my mom what would happen to me then? Would my mom still be happy? Is it my fault? Idk I’ve just been thinking so much is my fault and I haven’t really talked about it with anyone.

it was a big reason I used to self harm but I don’t now so please don’t worry about that stuff.

with school coming up soon it isn’t much easier, my moms been using so much money on getting me new things that I said I didn’t need and I know she’s trying to be nice but I don’t want money wasted on me, especially sense moneys been hard.

you guys can ignore this if you read it but for people who are my moots thank you so much, you all are so kind and I’m so grateful to have met people like you.

Save Me | Jeon Jungkook | Teaser

Warnings: Hints at previous sexual trauma but not actually addressed a/n: This is part of a longer piece I'm working on but I wanted to share a little bit of it. I've been sitting on it for months so I'm not exactly sure when it'll be out but I hope you enjoy

"That's not loud pretty" he taunts roaming his hand around my body again, making sure to keep eye contact with me. "Yes" I sigh but my breath hitches and I look down quickly, seeing his hand trailing under my shirt. "Hey look at me" he says with a soft tone. "You're with me okay? You're safe" he says and I nod my head looking back at him. He leans back in and hovers over me but holds back enough to barely brush his lips against mine. 

"Say my name" he whispers against my lips and I let out a breath with his name attached to it that I didn't realize I had been holding in. "Louder" this time giving me a kiss that's barely there, not giving into what I want until all of my thoughts are full of him. I say his name again a bit louder and I feel his smile against my lips before leaning in and kissing me again.

Kissing me into a drunken daze I pull on his shirt asking him to take it off and he sits back and does so. Looking down at me and playing with the hem of my shirt he nonverbally asks me if I want to as well. I nod my head and sit up, letting him take it off for me. His eyes trail down my torso and he leans back in for a kiss with one hand on my bare waist and one on my jaw. "You're beautiful" he whispers and kisses me softly while he guides me back down. 

He takes his time committing every line and every curve of my body to memory before he starts to trail his kisses down my neck. I tense up again with memories of that night and again he takes note and ghosts his lip against my collar bone. "You with me?" he whispers with one of this thumbs rubbing circles on my waist in an effort to soothe me. "Yes" I say oping to use my words this time. "You want me to keep going?" he asks, brushing his lips against my skin making just enough contact to cause a chill to run across my skin. "Please"

Coming soon...ish  

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We don't need to speak of it. (For a cut tree should have a silent fall)

Oh to be mutilated and drag others on your fall! Oh fear, lover! Oh fear!

Girl help! I'm reading into parts of the narrative that probably don't even exist.

The way I when feral when Lethica slaps him, LIKE YES! GET HIS ASS! I LOVE CONSEQUENCES, GIVE ME SOME GOOD OLD DIVORCE ARC-

tw: suicide and SA

it genuinely pisses me the fuck off that when I was 15, I got SA'ed, and because I'm male, no one, other than my friends, gave a shit.

i didn't say this, because I knew they'd try to send me to CPEP, which is a fucking hellhole, but I knew that the only way I'd actually get taken seriously was if I had said "I want to kill myself."

because those shitheads only cared about their goddamned jobs, and if I had committed suicide, they would've been held somewhat liable for my death.

this is the motherfucking reason male victims dont say shit.

because this fucking asshole looked me in the eyes and said,

"maybe you gave her mixed messages."

me when i realize im not the perfect victim and the person that did it to me is more likable than i am

I fucking hate how the good feeling never last. Like, yeah, I looked cool and masc in the mirror for a bit. Okay. Great. Too bad I don’t have anyone to show off for. Too bad that no matter what I did I wasn’t able to be good enough for him.

Sure, I could try to get back into trying to meet people. I could meet someone. Fall in love again. Enjoy a few stolen moments with someone who makes me feel whole. Think that they’ll understand, that they’ll get it, that they won’t leave when they see who and what I really am. Tell them the truth. Open up. Get met with disgust, judgement, and never hear from them again. Sure, it would be a nice few months of lying to myself.

But I’m tired of getting told that I’m not good enough. Of opening up about my trauma and then being told that I shouldn’t say these things. I say I’m over him. That’s a lie. I’m still bitter. I’m still hurting. But not just because of what he said. Or how he wouldn’t look me in the eye. Mostly, because of her. Because if it wasn’t for her, I would’ve turned out… well, not “okay,” but at least able to be good enough for someone else.

I’m not that scared little kid hiding and waiting for the nightmare to end. No. That child died a long time ago. Killed by the hands of reality. Because in the real world, to open up is to show vulnerability, and to show vulnerability is to be weak. And this world preys on the weak.

I’m “tough” because I have to be. I “don’t care” because I can’t afford to. I’m “not scared” because you’re not allowed to know what scares me.

I learned a lot of lessons from people I opened up to. But the main thing I remember is the simplest lesson there is: never let them see you cry. Never let ANYONE see you when you’re a a low point. It doesn’t end well.

As the fictional President Snow said in The Hunger Games, “never let them see you bleed.”

a floral skirt / a temple in nagano / japan / 5am / school trip / with your friends / pray in the morning / at a buddhist temple / 14 years old / follow the stairs / under the temple / forget your wallet / wait til the end / dark hallway / hands on the person in front of you / follow the line / my body is yours for one hundred yen / that i left in my bag in the monastery / back of the line / silver beard behind me / stockings too mature for the ages / make it a religious experience / pray to the hands poking the spaces between ribs / feel the blessings / the underside of your breasts / on your hips / my body is yours / feel it get lighter / a holy experience / their mouths wide open / it was just you / it was just you / there are no saints here / it was just you / alone in nagano / stay in nagano / die in nagano

perhaps if your still doing poetry requests i could make an ask for something silly about green apples? maybe even polaroids ^_^

I feel like no one talks about Noé's past/trauma enough

Like, yeah Louis died but also he was a fucking slave. Louis was killed in his arms but before his teacher he gad been in two homes (his family and his "grandparents") and everyone in both of them died.

Also I just don't think it's good or normal for a grown man to sit a child in his lap and call them his kitten

And everything throughout the show too! The way that they talk about vampires drinking eachothers blood and the sheer amount of times someone forcefully drinks noé's (or forces noé to drink theirs in Mikhail's case)??

Idk

I just think it's overlooked too much

CW: Vent, Depictions Of Mutilation, Suicidal Ideation, Brief Mention Of SH, Brief Mentions Of SA, S1vt Shaming, Mentions Of A Past Unhealthy Relationship, Bad Grammmar

(Please Be Mindful Of Your Mental State Before You Hit Read More! Please!)

I Feeel So Sick Like I’m About To Fucking Pop I Can’y. Keeep Doing This.

I Was Friends With A Fucking Psychopath That Ruined My Fucking Life That Wanted Yo Rake Me Down With Them. They Were So Obsesssed With How I Was, But Kept Tricking Me Into Thinking That They’ve Moved On And Are Proud Of Me.

I Hate Them. I Hate Them I Hate Thaem.

Now If I Dare Try And Show Any Emotion Of Anger Or Burnout, I Immmediately Want To Hurt Myself Because That’s Not Who I’m Suppposed To Be!!! What I Want To Be!!!!! You Wouldn’t Want To Go Back To Being An Abusive Prick, Would You!?!!!?!!!!!

But Was I Ever An Abusive Prick In The First Place?

Almost Ever Freidn. I Never Had A Areal Friend Until Almost Two Years Ago.

I Was Just Used. For Something That I Was Tooo Young To Be Having Taken.

I Was Nothing But A BROTHEL TO THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS.

AND THEY WANTED ME TO BE A BROTHEL FOR THEM. FUCK THAT.

I Can’t Do This. I’m Trying Not To Cry At Work And Everything’s Settting Me Offf And I Feeel So FUCKING Miserable I Just Want To FUCKING Dive Offf A FUCKING CLIFFF.

I Want To TEAR MY BODY OPEN. I DON’T WANT TO BE IN MY SKIN. IT’S TOOO PAINFUL. FEEEL TRAPPPED.

I’m So Sorrry. But God I Can’t. I Don’t Know _Where_ I Can Properly Vent This Shit To. I Apologize.

Dont read or see if not well. tw implied csa.

the way i cried

i feel emotions...oof i

i feel ....seen

which ooff iam not slleping tonight am i?

just gonna stare at ceiling about this lol

one of my twitter mutuals wrote a really excellent fic about certain aspects of Hunter’s trauma and Camila being a really good mom and I just had to draw out some parts of it… these aren’t in any linear conversational order and rather me putting art to a few significant lines but by god this fic had everything I wanted. I understand him so bad. (Explodes)

I've been battling my whole life with trying to find a place for myself that didn't hurt. I would dress up real pretty to go to church and smile while adults touched me when I did not want them to and gave me hugs and kisses on the cheek and told me how proud they were of me. Stale smelling older men who stood just a bit too close and held on a bit too long to a little girl. I was just a doll to all of them, and if it wasn't for them knowing my mama, they never would have cared about me.

My job as a little Christian girl was to look nice, act nice, listen to my parents no matter what, serve God, and most importantly: shut the fuck up. If I wasn't being talked to or cooed at, I was to sit there quietly, looking pretty and waiting until I was useful again as a prop.

I grew up constantly afraid and always more excited to find a new cozy hiding spot in my home than to see my dad back from work. 4pm, every day, I knew where to be, and it was nowhere near the front door, just in case he had a bad day and came in with itchy fists.

I always had my nose in a book from the time I was able to read at age 4 to when I finally learned to live in my actual reality. I wanted nothing but to escape. All the adults around me found it cute that I was so studious and smart and encouraged my escapism, for which I am grateful.

I clawed my way, alone, out of addiction to things that would have eventually killed me and away from the thought that that was taking too long and I should get it over with. I quietly went through an identity crisis every other day before deciding it wasn't worth trying to find a label that fit for sure. I stood my ground when my parents found pictures of me kissing my girlfriend at a school dance that I had forgotten to hide away on my phone. I protected my older brother from my parents' ridicule as he was dying in a hospital bed after trying to kill himself with me, a child, in the same room. I will never be able to forget that as long as I live, the sound my father made when he came into the room and the sight of so much blood.

I've been through hell my whole life, things that could have been prevented if only several horrible people and horrible institutions had been told what they were doing was wrong. If they had been forced to fix the way they thought and forced to put away their fists, most of the horrible things I had to go through would never have had to happen in the first place.

And I will not stand by after I have finally found a place I belong, with people who understand me, while we are being told we don't belong anywhere but with ourselves and told we don't exist in the first place. Even worse when so much of this hate is coming from communities that little me looked up to with stars in their eyes; feminists who fight against the very things that had made my life hell! The LGBTQ+ community itself, where I'd been told that everyone who didn't belong at least belonged there!

Why the fuck is this an issue worth sending teenagers and well-meaning regular joes death threats over and deciding that the authority over other people's identities should come down to popular vote? Who the fuck cares if I don't look at a person most people find hot and want to have sex with them? Who the fuck cares that it takes me a very very very long time to fall in love with someone, if I ever do, and that I don't care much at all for dating or romance for myself?

Why is this such a big issue that deserves negative attention? Am I hurting anyone? Am I risking someone's life I don't know about? Because to my knowledge, all I've been doing is reblogging funny memes on my phone, hanging out with my friends, going to class when necessary, drinking too much tea, and just generally living a normal, boring life!

If you think trying to scare me and mine off the internet and earth for good after all the shit I've been through will be worth your time, you are wrong. We did nothing wrong. We aren't hurting anyone, and last I checked, it seems a stupid waste of time to go boo-hooing around the internet about people who don't have the same relationship with love and sex as you do. I can guarantee that there are plenty of people who aren't aromantic or asexual and also have an irregular relationship with one or both of those things.

Get the fuck over yourself and go do something that makes you happy instead of being a cyberbully and a bigot.

And let me sip my tea in fuckin peace.

I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH THIS!!

But why tf is my ex, who has coerced me (more than once) reblogging this? Does he really think he's the victim here? Especially since he has received no negative impact for his actions. I received negative impact, I am still receiving negative impact. I am aware I told many people about it, probably too many, but he does not see how his actions are damaging. He hurt me and he will continue to hurt others.

Hey, so just with some of the discourse floating around this site, I just wanted to remind people of one thing:

It does not matter if you’ve been dating for a week or have been married for twenty years, being in a relationship does not and never will mean that you owe your partner(s) any form of intimacy. You do not owe them sex, you do not owe them xyz type of sex, you do not even owe them cuddling. Being in a relationship does not change the fact that you have bodily autonomy.

I'm no expert but I think shipping the guy thats heavily implied to be a rapist with the only character physically incapable of telling him 'no' is perhaps not a good idea! I think the point is that Jimmy is obsessed with control and only shows remorse for Curly because he uses him as a piece of meat to project his guilt onto! Just a thought