Small Vent - Tumblr Posts
Had birthday plans for my 21st tomorrow but literally all of my friends bailed last minute :/
Shit hurts, man
I'm so bored I need to write but instead I'm watching movie clips on TikTok hahaha fuck
Also uh. What the fuck is going on with Wukong's VA and Red Son's VA why is everybody mad at them pls don't tell me it was for touching kids I'm gonna projectile vomit so hard
Small vent:
I know I can go above a 70 and maybe even an 80, but when I'm busting my ass every year while you're telling me, I'm not trying hard enough. That doesn't make me want to try harder. Telling me that trying my best isn't good enough doesn't empower me in whatever crazy way you think it will. If trying my best isn't good enough, why would I bother trying at all? At this point, I don't want to be anything special, I'm just trying to survive.
tw: vent
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i wish i had found this side of pinterest instead of a side that constantly told me to off myself (which resulted more in my self-loathing), maybe then would i appreciate my efforts of trying to help myself everytime.
and glitches, if youre reading this, sorry, i just needed to vent shsnsjsj
i'm not really proud, so i'm just testing something out,,
Be honest.
Trust your instincts ya'll
Should've listened to my instincts when I wanted to tell my girl cousin I'm pagan. Boy cousin respected it and told me to stay safe because he knows very well how our family is. Should've just told him. She already looked at me differently when I told her I wasn't Christian anymore, when I wasn't comfortable praying to the Christian God when our family would beg me just because I'm the eldest grandchild, I don't want to because I don't want to disrespect Him.
I know it's her opinion, I know she has the right to have an opinion.
But for me and many people it's not stupid like how she thinks it is. Such a big blow, ngl.
Aphrodite listened to me that night when I cried. She was there when no one else can hold me.
Hail Lady Aphrodite 🩷
People and beings change over the years. Over any span of time somebody will change. More so when you are a completely different being now. When you have already been through hell and had to rebuild from ashes people trying to burn it all back down is bullshit. I've been there myself. Growing is part of living and some cannot face that fact. Keep existing and keep doing what you love. You have people who will support you in life where others will try to tear you down.
people sometimes cannot comprehend rehabilitation and change. people cannot loop around their head that living beings don't exist to constantly be tortured by their past or present. you people preach about love and peace but will attack a queer person for shit they did years ago and are no longer repeating or bullshit rumors. it's all performative. it's not about awareness it's about making someone out to be a cartoon villain they can humiliate until the sun goes down. people change, but to change, they need love, patience, and a support system.
Now I understand why 5 Pebbles was so quick to pull the trigger on any being bothering him too much in source. If you are in line you should not be close enough to read over the shoulder of the being in front of you in line. Let alone have your phone visible to them through the corner of their eye. No concept of personal space, damn.
Sometimes I think about one thing Brandon Sanderson said about coding and writing. He talked about his experience with programming and how he personally found it used the same mental energy as his writing did. I feel like that never hit me harder than when I started making a text-based game. I thought I could pull off something small in a month, not too interesting but hey, a small project.
Turns out I could, yes, but it was incredibly mentally exhausting.
Writing has always been an escape route for me, if I'm tired I write, if I'm stressed I write, if I feel overwhelmed with too many creative juices building up inside my head I write without a care for time. So I figured that whenever I got tired or frustrated with coding (I was learning everything as I went to frustration was something to keep in mind for sure), I'd just, write instead to keep progressing. Well, that didn't work out as well as I thought.
I find it fascinating to think about that, when I tried to switch from coding to writing it didn't feel like a switch to me, it felt like I was in the same mental space almost, like I was tackling problems in very similar ways or as if I just went from writing on one project to writing on a new one, unrelated yet the same. I ended up finishing the project (it was a Christmas gift so I kinda had to lol) but I know I'm not proud of the final result. My writing there is as weak as it gets, and on a year where I already struggled trying not to give up because I didn't see any improvement on my writing, it felt like it was the worst thing I had made yet.
Of course the gift receiver assured me they loved it, and to be fair he did get 2 hours or so of enjoyment out of it, so I know I did something right. But I can't stop thinking about how the earlier passages I wrote, when I hadn't tackled much coding yet, felt completely different to the latter ones. Of course the fact that I had a deadline and *uni* made me a bit more stressed than usual while working on it, but I still feel like those were minor issues. I know I can write okay-ish under pressure, but that was different.
All in all I'm glad I did the project, playing around with Twine was an amazing experience and I'd love to go back to it in the future with more time and a bigger idea, plus I feel like I picked up some new skills that will definetly help me in the future.
Sorry for the long rambling, but I thought it was an interesting thing to notice. I wonder if studying computer science and spending so much time coding might be a factor on how I'm writing less and less, and instead turning to drawing as an outlet to my creativity.
Ahhh finally free from finals at uni... I swear to god I'm so mad they won't let us use calculators in exams like Software Fundamentals because why do you care if I can calculate the size of a page and where a certain node is stored *without* calculators? I already passed algebra and all the first year math subjects, just be glad I remember the formula to do it and I can explain the logic behind it!
But anyway. At least now I have time to catch up with fics and practice some writing and drawing. Brain is so ready to enter brainrot mode (read all of claws and calls au in AO3 this morning and fell even deeper into the Viggo brainrot)
Trust your instincts ya'll
Should've listened to my instincts when I wanted to tell my girl cousin I'm pagan. Boy cousin respected it and told me to stay safe because he knows very well how our family is. Should've just told him. She already looked at me differently when I told her I wasn't Christian anymore, when I wasn't comfortable praying to the Christian God when our family would beg me just because I'm the eldest grandchild, I don't want to because I don't want to disrespect Him.
I know it's her opinion, I know she has the right to have an opinion.
But for me and many people it's not stupid like how she thinks it is. Such a big blow, ngl.
Aphrodite listened to me that night when I cried. She was there when no one else can hold me.
Hail Lady Aphrodite 🩷