|| Sins Of The Mother || - Tumblr Posts

“ i no longer needed you. ”

@hijonaisha 

 As soon as those five words had been spoken, Nonou felt all of the air inside her lungs dissipate.  How long had it been since she last saw the once-frail, bespectacled boy in front of her?  Her memory was hazy after spending the last decade in a convent, in isolation away from the worldliness of society.  This was definitely Kabuto standing in front of her, and yet… There was something different, almost ominous, about him.  A faint trace of his kind demeanor remained, if Nonou peered at him long enough, but it was locked behind icy obsidian eyes, and the sickly-sweet scent of formaldehyde.

“I know it’s been years since we’ve last spoken, Kabuto.  You were so young when you left me, and I did nothing to stop you.  I should have traded my life for yours.  You don’t need me, I know that, but I need your help.  Something happened to me ten years ago, and my memory has not been the same since.  You’re the son I remember, although it was so long ago.  I need your help now, to fill in the blanks.  Please help me remember.”

The last sentence is uttered almost like a prayer; in remembrance of her maternal devotion to her beloved child.  He no longer needed her, but she needed him.  Nonou wasn’t sure how her son would react to her request.  She had heard the rumors about his connection, and unhealthy devotion, to Orochimaru.  Perhaps the child she knew and loved was dead; left rotting in a catacomb of serpents due to all her failures.  But for now, she would give Kabuto the chance to explain.

“ it’s a miracle i’m still alive ”

@hijonaisha

| Nonou sighed, and looked at her tea, almost hoping that its murky depths held the answers on what to do about her son.  Glancing at the door longingly, she reflected on the circumstances that led to her clandestine meeting with Kabuto.  Of course, it was entirely her fault for asking him to meet her at an abandoned cabin in the most remote part of the Hidden Stone Village.  Healing the wounds of the past sounds like a good gesture in theory, much less in practice.  To ask for forgiveness requires trust in the person you have wronged, and judging by Kabuto’s rigid posture and guarded stare, there was no longer any trust for the woman who raised him; even someone without intelligence training could gather that.  Not that Nonou trusted her son either; she knew nothing about him besides that he was nestled in the insidious arms of the Enemy.  A bitterness swirled in her stomach.  Hadn’t she raised Kabuto, and all of her children, better than this?

“I know you’ve made quite a name for yourself, although it’s not the future I would have wanted for you.  But it’s a harsh world; you know that better than anyone.  Men make plans, and God laughs.  I suppose He is laughing at me now.  Perhaps this is my punishment for not trying to find you all of those years…”

Her voice cracking, Nonou carefully avoided looking at any part of Kabuto for the time being.  She knew her words were lost on him, and didn’t know if he had even heard them, or if they passed through his soul like vapor.  All she could do was smile at nothing in her particular, like she did when her son was a child, and she could actually recognize him.  Now, this prodigal boy was like a bad dream that she can’t wake up from.  Nonou’s mind began to race; perhaps she should have left him bleeding, and amnesiac, on the mountainside where she had found him all those years ago.  Perhaps it wasn’t a miracle he was still alive; he was just another trial for her to face in her endless search for purification.  Shinobi have a distinct manner of dealing with trials: bloodshed, and eradicating the target.  Heart thudding, Nonou grasped the poison-mired dagger in her pocket, and then released it with a sigh only someone who had been carrying a burden on their shoulders for millennia could utter.

“Y-yes, it’s a miracle you’ve managed to survive, but I no longer recognize the boy who wears my glasses and yet thinks nothing of the crimes he has committed.  I want to ask ‘who are you, and what have you become?’ but I’m not sure I want to hear the answer.”

As the cruel words hung in the air like thick smog, or the unseen ghosts of distant memories which had been ruined by division and spite, Nonou felt a wave of coldness wash over her. This was purgatory, she was certain of it, and this warped visage of her son was to be her torment until she purified every trace of filth in the cesspool of her body; only then might she be able to hold the boy who once looked up at her with wide, curious eyes and innocent smiles again. But another insidious thought took hold, what did he mean by destroying him the first time? The last ten years had been hazy; patchy due to partial amnesia from a mysterious fight she couldn't quite remember. And yet...

Suddenly, the room began to spin, and Nonou's vision was overtaken by hazy images of an enemy shinobi peering down at her mortally wounded body, and the pained cry of "Mother! Mother!" echoing in her head. She clutched at her throbbing head as the repressed memories threatened to annihilate her very being. No, the boy she fought ten years prior couldn't have been Kabuto; she had seen his pictures ROOT had sent. She had bargained with Danzo for his release. Deep down, however, Nonou knew this was a lie, just like nearly everything else in the Shinobi world. Kabuto had nearly killed her.

Bile rising in the back of her throat, Nonou felt weak in the knees, and collapsed to the floor while hyperventilating. She expelled the contents of her stomach; eyes burning with tears, gazing up at Kabuto with a mixture of longing and fear.

"Y-you said I had destroyed you the first time by asking you who you were? I've had blank spaces in my memory for years, and I couldn't figure it out... But that was you! You were the shinobi I was sent to assassinate, I- I don't know what's real anymore, I can't... Why?" Nonou whispered hoarsely, tears flowing freely.

"Why?" The same word repeated over and over again; not knowing if it was towards Kabuto or herself.

@nonou-yakushi

| Nonou sighed, and looked at her tea, almost hoping that its murky depths held the answers on what to do about her son.  Glancing at the door longingly, she reflected on the circumstances that led to her clandestine meeting with Kabuto.  Of course, it was entirely her fault for asking him to meet her at an abandoned cabin in the most remote part of the Hidden Stone Village.  Healing the wounds of the past sounds like a good gesture in theory, much less in practice.  To ask for forgiveness requires trust in the person you have wronged, and judging by Kabuto’s rigid posture and guarded stare, there was no longer any trust for the woman who raised him; even someone without intelligence training could gather that.  Not that Nonou trusted her son either; she knew nothing about him besides that he was nestled in the insidious arms of the Enemy.  A bitterness swirled in her stomach.  Hadn’t she raised Kabuto, and all of her children, better than this?

“I know you’ve made quite a name for yourself, although it’s not the future I would have wanted for you.  But it’s a harsh world; you know that better than anyone.  Men make plans, and God laughs.  I suppose He is laughing at me now.  Perhaps this is my punishment for not trying to find you all of those years…”

Her voice cracking, Nonou carefully avoided looking at any part of Kabuto for the time being.  She knew her words were lost on him, and didn’t know if he had even heard them, or if they passed through his soul like vapor.  All she could do was smile at nothing in her particular, like she did when her son was a child, and she could actually recognize him.  Now, this prodigal boy was like a bad dream that she can’t wake up from.  Nonou’s mind began to race; perhaps she should have left him bleeding, and amnesiac, on the mountainside where she had found him all those years ago.  Perhaps it wasn’t a miracle he was still alive; he was just another trial for her to face in her endless search for purification.  Shinobi have a distinct manner of dealing with trials: bloodshed, and eradicating the target.  Heart thudding, Nonou grasped the poison-mired dagger in her pocket, and then released it with a sigh only someone who had been carrying a burden on their shoulders for millennia could utter.

“Y-yes, it’s a miracle you’ve managed to survive, but I no longer recognize the boy who wears my glasses and yet thinks nothing of the crimes he has committed.  I want to ask ‘who are you, and what have you become?’ but I’m not sure I want to hear the answer.”

               It was a strange and frustrating thing, to be angry at someone he’d held in such high reverence for so long. To have the memories and feeling he’d kept locked in the back of his mind for so long taken out and ripped to shreds in front of him, at the hand of the woman he looked up to. Like it had never mattered at all. And he felt disgusting loathing her so much now but still, somehow, showing up where she asked. Now that he wasn’t as blinded by anger and hurt he could see how much older she looked than in his memories, how tired. It begged for the sympathy still alive in him that he refused to give out yet. Not to her. Not after everything.         The cup laid out for him went ignored, he didn’t so much as sit yet. Instead hovering in the doorway, arms crossed, expression a wavering mask of cold indifference. 

                                    ‘ I wouldn’t say perhaps. I would say this is without a doubt your punishment. ‘ His tone was blunt, albeit not as cold as he would like. While she avoided his gaze he made sure inky black eyes never moved from her figure. But as she went on, stupid, pointless smile on her face, her words tripped over every horrible feeling in his stomach and the mask cracked. Muscles tensed and his voice took on an edge, unsteady in its rage. ‘ Don’t you dare say those fucking words to me. The last time you asked me who I was it destroyed me. I can’t even BEGIN to describe the hell I’ve been through because of that. I don’t care how fucking disappointed you are with me – for your god’s sake at least, don’t give me that bullshit. ‘ 

                      And it wasn’t like he hadn’t expected her loathing. Any time he could bring himself to, he knew how she would have felt. An innocent child grew into a monster, perhaps not as heartless as she thought but frighteningly remorseless for many of the awful things he’d done. But he always comforted himself with the reminder that dead people didn’t have opinions. Except now they did and hearing the truths he already knew in her voice cut deeper. 

                             ‘ Call me a monster, if that makes you feel better. But I’m someone who grew up having to defend himself and being soft didn’t really help with that. If I wanted to live long enough to figure out who I was I had to become like this. I had to fight for myself because no one else was fucking going to. Since you died I feel like I haven’t become anything more than nobody, alone, fighting. ‘ 

As Kabuto spoke, and helped her sit, Nonou couldn't help but notice that she felt detached from her body; almost as if she was observing her life in third person. She removed her glasses, and placed her sweaty hands against the cold wooden table in order to remind herself that she still existed; that she was still real. But what was reality now except for a cruel reminder that she had allowed her son to live with knowledge of having caused her death; and an unrecognition of Self, which had permanently marked his being and shaped his existence henceforth.

Nonou vaguely heard Kabuto's voice as he berated himself; something, Nonou mused, he most likely did on a daily basis; another sickening trait they both held in common. Suddenly, she reached out and grasped his wrist; emerald eyes meeting obsidian. "Stop, stop, stop..." Pleas uttered in hushed, soothing tones. "Please stop blaming yourself for all of this; you were only a child, and there was nothing you could have done." Her voice caught in her throat, cracking. "This is my sin to carry alone, not yours."

The religion she had been taught as a child surfaced from the depths of her mind; atone for your sins through penance, only then may you obtain inner peace. The destruction of her beloved son had been her greatest sin. Slowly, wearily, Nonou removed the poisoned dagger she had kept concealed in her pocket, placing it on the table in front of Kabuto. Then, she got up and knelt before him; penitent prostrated before a judge. It would be fitting for her son to complete her martyrdom, Nonou thought solemnly, perhaps then he could be set free.

"I don't blame you for the choices you've made; you tried your best, despite having nothing and no one to call your own. If I may speak honestly; I was going to kill you today because I had seen you as irredeemable; something which only God could purify through blood. But... I see now that I am the one who is irredeemable, and perhaps I was meant to die so many years. You may finish the job now, if you'd like, my dearly beloved son. This is who I am; who you are meant to become. This is who we are..."

                   Ah. He’d thought she already remembered and knew as much. Now it made perfect, horrible sense, everything she said. Even after all this time, in that moment, he’d still been nobody to her. But he was now. 

        At the sight his anger and resentment failed him; it was still his mother, sick and weak at the thought of what she’d done. Feeling at once what he’d been going through for years. He abandoned his position at the door and knelt beside, helping her to her feet and back into the chairs on either side of the table. There was little for him to offer to wipe her mouth beside spare bandages kept in a back pocket, but he does nevertheless, brows creased as he watched her mind work through what had come to light. His own brain called for the usual coping in situations like this, when the topic was brought up, and it took an effort to keep himself grounded and fully present to at least talk to her. To try and help. 

                      ‘ All of that, is real. We were both sent to assassinate each other. I…you, let me win, and Orochimaru had been sent to ensure neither survived. Instead he took pity on me. ‘ Though softly spoken, he wasn’t as cold to her, now. Silence sat between them for a few moments before he sighed, a defeated sound, and lowered his gaze as a hand reached to rub his eyes behind round frames. ‘ Fucking shit. Well aren’t I the fucking asshole now? Of course I am, of course. Why wouldn’t I be? ‘

        It was the first sign of his weariness, his loathing of the entire situation rather than her as a person. He stood and moved finally to sit across from her. Dark eyes were suddenly far more dodgy, hands seeming unable to sit still. ‘ Do you get it now, at least? How I ended up here? ‘

"If are unable to grant me forgiveness, then I no longer want to be a part of this world." Mumbled Nonou, barely conscious of her response; choosing instead to allow Kabuto's piercing glare (and all of the anger, grief, and guilt hidden there. Oh god, oh god, she had caused this...) to envelope her. Suicide was a mortal sin; worthy of hellfire and an eternity of her skeletal form crying out in torment, and this awareness had been impressed upon her from an early age. An inherently selfish part of her realized that if her son chose to take her life she might reach Paradise instead; although their bond was shattered now she could perhaps reconnect with him in the afterlife.

But to ask such a thing of Kabuto; to thoughtlessly tear old wounds anew; to force her child to face his trauma again here with her, this moment etched eternally in time; it was unforgivable. However, he had almost killed her, and the results of that fatal confrontation had left her trapped in impenetrable fog for nearly a decade. Her son had practically annihilated her, and yet she had knelt before him; begging for forgiveness and pleading for relief. God must be sitting on his throne with a cruel smile, Nonou reflected, to impart such irony into her life.

Not even a saint could withstand the bitterness swirling in Nonou's heart; didn't she also deserve an apology; must she always be the one to wear the diadem of suffering? Even God's (hollowed out) holy vessels had their limits, and so on went her mask of a smile polished to perfection.

"Don't you see that I've also lost years of my life over this? After I plucked you from the dirt; from the nothingness which had been your birthright, and spent my own blood on trying to convince Danzo to release you; you can't even spare the grace to set me free of this humiliation? You have every right to be hurt and confused, but I'm hurting just as much as you. Don't you see that...? Or are you blind even with my glasses on?"

In the midst of her shrill, irritated response, Nonou hadn't even noticed that she had grabbed hold of Kabuto's wrist with a tight grip that was sure to leave bruises. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to hold him close (and deep down this what she really wanted, but now she had to bury this desire because there was no way he'd ever let her hold him now) or grab his silvery ponytail and force him to look at her until he actually *saw* her. The harsh reality of not being recognized; of not knowing who you were to your own son, was unbearable.

This is my sin to carry alone, not yours. He had to bite back a bitter remark, that, oh, that would have been really fucking great to hear any time before now. Back when he was a sobbing teenager who wanted to die for killing the person who had only ever tried to help him. Before he numbed himself to the guilt and it became an unrecognized habit in his life, blending into the rest of his nebulous personality. And yet he now couldn’t bring himself to inflict any more pain on her, not so carelessly, not when her own remorse was written so clearly and dipped in venom caught in the light. 

Dark eyes wouldn’t leave the weapon for a long moment, accepting the wound it left in him by it’s mere presence. He was so horrible of a person she would rather him be death than share her name. Somehow it wasn’t shocking. What was instead was the bullshit she spewed now at his feet, some nonsense about the god he’d left behind and asking something of him that makes his stomach churn now. And he couldn’t help it, before he could stop himself she was nearly cut off he was snapping at her, ‘ What the FUCK is wrong with you!? ‘

His expression unwound, hurt wrote itself clearly in dark eyes and his tone was angry, almost desperate. ‘ How can you fucking sit there and ask me to kill you again!? Wasn’t once enough? ‘ There was a crack in his voice he pretended he couldn’t hear and in the next moment he was pulling her to her feet, still insisting, ‘ Just – would you get up and stop being so selfish! We’re both shitty fucking people and that’s just how it is! I’d kill myself before I killed you again, don’t you fucking get that? ‘ 

Maybe she hadn’t, given his cold reception. But killing each other again didn’t seem like any useful solution. Ideas of morality and redemption were long forgotten in his new life and instead everyone lived with their own sins, the only god present being their own conscious. And of course he was angry – he was fucking furious about this entire thing – but he wouldn’t buy into some bullshit poetry about justice and purity now. If he had to live with blood on his hands, so would she. 

Nonou released Kabuto's wrist with a sigh, returning her gaze back to her tea, which was now cold and no longer worth drinking. What had she expected from the son she had ignored for ten years? Had she really thought he would be awaiting her; arms wide open and a gentle smile on his face? Here she was, the prodigal mother, but life never quite seemed to mimic the Bible stories she had been taught; here was yet another example that her religion didn't hold all of the answers. Kabuto didn't hate her; a small drop of relief had fallen upon her arid soul when he told her that, but he wasn't sure if he still loved her either. She wanted to tell him that just because she had been his mother didn't mean she was perfect; not that he would ever let her think that ever again; and that his lack of unconditional love hurt more than any corporeal wounds he had ever inflicted.

"I haven't had time to process the memories you've carried around with you for years; my entire worldview just shattered moments ago, and I can no longer bear the thought of you looking at me with those cold eyes of yours. I'm trying desperately to be here for you right now, Kabuto; trying to heal you because I am your mother and I want to protect you. Please recognize that everything I've done has been out of love for you, even though you may not understand it..."

Overcome with grief; blinded by desperation; Nonou flung herself at Kabuto, wrapping her arms around him, and burying her face into the warmth of his shoulder. Everything about his reactions stated that he wished to be anywhere but here, away from her. In her fragile state of mind, if she had let Kabuto leave, she wouldn't be there in the future. Nonou couldn't tell him that, otherwise she'd risk provoking the rage he harbored within him. Tears trickled down her cheeks, and she prayed to the God who no longer seemed to care for her that Kabuto wouldn't notice, because at this point he would only see her as pathetic.

"We've both left fragments of ourselves behind that night; we're one and the same. I'm just like you; more of nothingness than you will ever be. And... I- I, I'll always love you, and you'll always be my son, even if you never love me again. Just please... Be here with me now. I'll never ask anything of you again. Please..."

 ‘ You don’t have to lecture me about how sad and tragic your fucking life is, I get it, trust me. But don’t fucking guilt me about it. If I didn’t get the luxury of dying, why should you? ‘ 

He was cold again, as though calmed so she could take a turn to snap at him. It wasn’t fair in his mind that she should get shout all of these things at him, everything he knows so well already about himself, everything she feels that he’d already felt a hundred times over. To have it shoved back in his face that as soon as she left his life he went back to being a shadow parading around in the sole artifact remaining from his childhood. Now he wanted to rip the frames from his face and shatter them again – as he’d done the first time he returned with the knowledge of her survival. This time he wouldn’t have Orochimaru to mend them if he did. 

It ached and he was growing tired at a rapid pace. He wanted this entire conversation wiped from his memory, he wanted to go home and curl up in bed and listen to his boyfriend talk until he fell asleep, he wanted to go back to a normalcy where he could ignore what remained the foundation of his person. 

He didn’t move from her grasp, but still went on with far less elegance. ‘ I don’t even know what to tell you, anymore. It’s not like I can fucking forgive you for just springing this all on me but I don’t – ‘ he cut himself off with a sigh, looking away to continue, ‘ I don’t, hate you. I don’t fucking know how I feel about you right now. You just need to get it through your skull that I’m not going to be your fucking scapegoat so you don’t have to deal with this. I had to grow up thinking I killed my own mother, I should think that you, a grown fucking woman, could figure out where to go from here without making my life any more miserable. ‘

Part of him wanted to leave at that point, to tell her she needed to get her shit together before they tried to talk again, but he wasn’t sure if he would see her again if that was the case. And he couldn’t decide if that was something he wanted, or not.

"Despite what I taught you about God keeping us safe by watching over us, I think you've known your whole life that this isn't always the case. The world is grey, and so are all us, even though we'd like to believe we have good intentions. I have so many secrets, Kabuto, and I've tried to shield you, and the rest of the children, away from the parts of me that I'm ashamed of. Out of all your brothers and sisters, you're the only child of mine who can relate to that."

Whispered Nonou, voice shaking, her arms still wrapped around Kabuto. She wasn't going to release him until he heard all of the secrets she had tried to conceal with superficial displays of piety and the drive to care for others so that she could forget herself. She wasn't disappointed in her son as a person, but by the fact his path in life seemed to eerily resemble her own. The last thing she wanted for any of her children was to be ensnared by the Shinobi world; used like puppets and then discarded when they finally broke. Kabuto had so much potential as a child, and perhaps that's what made him the most vulnerable to the watchful eyes of vultures like Danzo. She had been the same.

"I went to great lengths to rewrite my past, and therefore I removed any atrocities I have committed. Before I became a nun, I was Danzo's assistant. He needed help with a classified project of his; one where I would oversee certain experiments of his. This went on for years until I finally had enough. I was so overcome with guilt and self-hatred that I became a nun to root out the darkness I held within me. I began caring for orphans, specifically those who had been abandoned because of war and violence, as a way of atoning for my past actions."

This was the most honesty Nonou had shown in years; a frightening revelation when she pondered that such gestures could lead to her death. But this was her son, not an enemy she was sent to spy on, and at the very least he had a right to know who she was. Out of all of her children; Kabuto deserved her honesty; what was left of her fragmented self. That was all she could give, besides unconditional love, for the boy who was doing his absolute best to repress the emotions which had been festering like infected wounds in the crevices of his mind for years.

"I love you because you'll always be the lost child I found in the mountains; the child with wide eyes and a soft smile; whose curiosity and compassion could rival that of any saint I know, and not even God Himself can pry that from my hands. I'm not disappointed in who you are, I'm disappointed in myself because you've had to experience so much suffering and there was nothing I could do to prevent that."

Nonou reached out, removing Kabuto's glasses, and gazing deep into his conflicted eyes. "When I look at you, I see a reflection of myself..."

A familiar static hung in his mind, a curtain to shield himself from the emotions he came so dangerously close to feeling, and he loathes himself for letting that happen in the moment he divided his attention. But he already loathed himself for a lot of things, so what difference did one more really make? Any shred of innocence had been given away years ago and he was left a complete disaster of a human being, cruel and unfeeling of any kind emotions, his own body trained not to show them even to his mother sobbing in his arms. He did terrible things so terrible things found him in return. She could claim none of this was his fault but the feeling gnawing at him wouldn’t be shaken so easily.

Her words struck at his numbness, forming a lump in his throat he wasn’t sure at first if he could speak around. Slowly, unsure, he placed his own arms lightly around her, if only to provide a shallow comfort. And still he couldn’t bring himself to look at her. 

‘ I guess I’m just confused, as to how you could say that you love me when I ended up being this kind of person, ‘ he said eventually, softer now. ‘ I’m not, leaving. I just don’t understand. ‘ That wasn’t enough, he had to elaborate, but nothing was coming easily. Dark eyes eventually closed to avoid even knowing she was there and he forced the thoughts out. ‘ I always knew in the back of my mind if you, could somehow see me, you would be disappointed in me. Maybe you would hate me. And I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I’m a pretty fucking awful person, Nonou. ‘ 

So awful he didn’t really deserve to have her clinging to him and proclaiming her unconditional love when he wasn’t even sure what he felt towards her, anymore. He always took comfort in knowing she would hate him, at least, that he couldn’t wound her if she wanted to disown him and act as though they had no relation to one another. Because she didn’t deserve a piece of shit child. To hear her say she loved him brought no comfort, only the feeling that he’d been stabbed thirty times over. 

Chest constricting with worry at the sudden revelation that Kabuto had found someone, Nonou quickly distracted herself by sipping on her (nauseatingly) cold tea. She knew exactly who Kabuto was talking about; Orochimaru, scourge of the Shinobi world and eccentric sage obsessed with his ideas of immortality. It wasn't exactly a well-kept secret, but of all people to choose, did it have to be her son? Still, perhaps it was better to feign ignorance and let Kabuto explain, then she subtly find a way to bring him to his senses. Didn't he remember Nonou telling him that he shouldn't play with snakes?

Instead, she smiled at him, and brushed aside some of the silvery hair that had been hanging in Kabuto's face. Caution was the rule when dealing with relationships you didn't approve of, especially if it involved someone with volatile emotions such as her son. The last thing she wanted was to provoke him into lashing out again. "Oh, you've met someone special? I'd like to know all about them. I'm sure they must be a great person if they have the privilege of dating you!" The response was cheerful, albeit somewhat forced. She hoped her son couldn't sense that, but with his extensive training in gathering intelligence, Kabuto would probably see right through her.

Perhaps the best course of action was to change the subject? Nonou removed her tear-stained glasses, cleaning them. "Finding you in the mountains is the last thing I regret, Kabuto. I don't want a memory of the past, I want the son who had the patience to sit here with me and listen to all of my secrets. You haven't changed as much as you think. Nevertheless, I'd like to know more about you, and the person you've become."

Then, she gazed wistfully at the floor, wondering if Kabuto would be honest with her; not that she had any right to pry into the mind of such a closed-off boy, but still; no matter who he was, or what he had done, Nonou would always be there for him. She had no choice, he was the only thing she had left.

Well, wasn’t he still the asshole, then? She tried her best, she wanted to make up for the things she’d been roped into. Whereas he lived in his sin each day with frighteningly little remorse for what was inflicted, only pity for himself. It was pretty pathetic in hindsight. But there was one key element that separated them and he knew it – no matter how much regret he harbored, how much he loathed the lifestyle, he wouldn’t abandon the person he loved. The only person who had been there for him in those long ten years. And he felt like he should explain this, to make an effort at saving his image in her eyes. 

There was silence between them for a moment. Her face being close enough that even without the round frames he could make out features clearly, teary, olive eyes looking back at him. Pleading with him for anything more than what he gave. For forgiveness, redemption, a shred of hope to cling to. It was the weight of the world settled on his shoulders. 

‘ I guess I can see why. It sounds like you..understand. To a point. ‘ The last three words were added with a heavy sigh. ‘ You shouldn’t…blame yourself, so much. It’s not like it’s all your fault. I grew up enough that I could have changed, I became strong enough that I could have gone out on my own, but – ‘ God, how the hell to even begin explaining that. It was clear he held something back, words quickly withdrawn and replaced with, ‘ I have, someone I care about there. I can’t, really..” He didn’t even want to give a pronoun, jesus fucking christ. This wasn’t the dilemma he wanted to deal with. 

He gave another huff, lowering his gaze. ‘ I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry all of this happened because you had the misfortune of finding me. I’m sorry that wide-eyed child is dead and I don’t know how to bring him back for you. Instead you’re stuck with me. ‘

It was the closest he could come to an honest admission. What was he supposed to say? Divulge what horrendous things he’d been up to in her absence? Unwind years of trauma carefully packed into a too-small box that he would much rather leave under the bed? It wasn’t as though she didn’t deserve to know, but perhaps that would be too much for her right now. And for him. 

Chewing on her bottom lip until she could taste blood, Nonou silently cursed herself. Years of espionage had left Kabuto with an amplified sense of perception; of course he could see right through her blatant superficiality. The last thing she wanted was to cause her son to retreat back within his nearly impenetrable shell; the bond they held right now was tenuous, one miscalculation on her part and it would unravel.

Unfortunately, Kabuto did have a point; most of what she knew about Orochimaru derived from a twisted collection of myths and drunken anecdotes. Her son appeared to have been well-cared for, he wasn't emaciated, and there were no wounds on his person Nonou could detect. Clicking her tongue, she thought of the best way to proceed. "I'm sure you're aware that Orochimaru is an ostracized individual with certain... profane interests. I was always hoping you would bring home a nice girl, or boy, without any secrets or perverse tastes. Someone innocent and humble like yourself. However, if I cannot change your past, then I certainly cannot affect your future."

Innocent and humble? Nonou had to silently remind herself that Kabuto really had changed. There was nothing innocent about him any longer, but she would never tell him that. Nervously, she fiddled with the rosary in her pocket. Even though Kabuto was still her son, there was still something about his demeanor that made her uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to judge. I know nothing about Orochimaru except for rumors I've heard here and there; I'm only worried that he might be using you without you knowing it. But... Tell me about him so that I may understand better."

That was the best she could do without agitating an already volatile situation. As for learning more Kabuto as a person, there were certain questions you shouldn't ask right away if you wanted information. Nothing heavy for a subject matter at first, unless you wanted to prematurely end the conversation by making your target distrustful. No, she would ask him something relatively benign, light-hearted even, before moving on to far more important questions.

"When you were a child, you would sit for hours in front of the fireplace doing puzzles while I watched over you. You've always been such a smart boy! But, you're no longer a child, and I know nothing about your interests. What sort of things make you happy?"

Sighing, and still continuing to chew on her lip; there was still the matter of Kabuto wanting to know what he had in common with his younger self. Quite frankly, Nonou barely recognized him as the gentle, quiet boy she raised. Inquisitiveness had morphed into cold, cerebral intelligence. Humility and kindness had given way to arrogance and the disregard for others. Like Kabuto, Nonou was unsure if the little boy she raised was dead or not. He was a completely different person, and it was difficult to accept. Still, she had to try, if only for his sake.

"You were kind enough to agree to this meeting, and patient enough to sit here with me, despite not knowing whether or not you still care about me. You could have left, and yet you chose not to..." Really, Nonou was grasping at straws, and she was sure Kabuto could sense that. Perhaps if she was honest he might not lash out.

"I'm sorry, but you've changed so much that I hardly recognize you. But, you're my son, and I can't stand the thought of you hating yourself. I just want to help you. Please don't judge me for that."

Oh and he did, his heart sinking immediately as it was clear behind the attempt at a bright, hopeful expression she knew. It reflected in the way his own features dropped and he distracted himself but placing his own frames back on his face. He realized the feeling swelling like a horrid weight in his chest was disappointment that he couldn’t even have that moment of her genuine delight and interest. That already she hated him. 

‘ You know already, don’t act like you don’t, ‘ he huffed, pulling himself away slightly. ‘ I…it will probably be easier if we just, don’t talk about that, very much then. ‘ Yet it didn’t sit well in his stomach, he didn’t let it go without adding, almost desperately, ‘ He’s…I know you probably have this horrible image of him in your head but I promise he isn’t as bad as he seems. Not, to me, at least. He’s actually very sweet to me.. ‘ The sentence trailed off, as did he, moving away from her in an aimless path. His eyes grazed along the old, empty walls. Looking for something he couldn’t find.

‘ I guess you can, ask if you want. I don’t know what it is you want to know and I don’t know that you..are going to like what you find, ‘ he replied after a pause, chewing over each word before letting it go. 

She said he hadn’t changed – but what the hell was that supposed to mean? What about him was the same as the wide-eyed, innocent child? The way he cursed at her and snapped? Hid his emotions away and pouted like a brat? Actually – he spun, facing her now with furrowed brow. ‘ What about me is the same? What could possibly be similar, from where you’re standing? ‘

Brows furrowed, tongue clicking inside her mouth; it was a nasty habit which emerged whenever she was having trouble analyzing a situation. What did Orochimaru find so interesting about her son? Why had he chosen to spare his life. Regardless of his reasoning, it was rather unnatural for an immortal sage to have such an interest in her unremarkable child. Not that Kabuto wasn't talented, and intelligent, but it's not like he was part of the Uchiha or Senju clan.

"I see... Orochimaru does seem rather refined, I suppose it's good you've found someone to take care of you." Nonou muttered, but her response held a sharp edge which she hadn't meant to reveal. Her upbringing had forced her to become self-sufficient from a very young age; although she had reduced herself to superficial kindness and fake smiles over the years, she was also <i>strong</i>. A bitter part of her looked down upon Kabuto for choosing to have a strange man take care of him instead of taking care of himself. She would never admit it to Kabuto, but voluntary reliance on others was viewed as weakness in her eyes.

For the first time since his arrival, Nonou surveyed her son coolly. He smelled like expensive candles and incense, had perfectly manicured nails, and looked much too happy at the thought of being taken care of his by his boyfriend. All of these luxuries, <i>vanities</i>, reeked of a worldliness which disgusted Nonou. She knew this was because of her religious programming, Kabuto was much too opulent for her liking. He had taught all of her children to be selfless, and to care for others even at the expense of themselves, and yet it was apparent that her son had forgotten all of those teachings.

Nonou couldn't help blurting out "Are you sleeping with this man because he has money?" before covering her mouth in embarrassment, and avoiding Kabuto's gaze. She apologized profusely, tea cup shaking in her hand. After being cursed at and feeling like her heart had been dragged through the dirt, she was a little scared of her son; and doing her best to repress those feelings. Kabuto's words had been salt in a festering, infected wound. She wasn't sure if he would ever say anything kind to her again.

All she could do was change the subject before Kabuto noticed how jumpy she was becoming. She wanted to talk about something cheerful, like his hobbies, but his comment about self-loathing was beginning to weigh heavily on her mind. Would she ever be able to have a normal conversation with her son again?

Sighing, and feeling trapped by her own mistakes, Nonou simply asked "Am I the one who taught you to feel that way?"

 Innocent and humble. He opted not to comment on that despite the laughter that bubbles in his throat. Regardless of her motivation – to remain hopeful, to ignore the contradiction standing across from her, it was laughable to say the least. Almost as funny as he blatant observations towards Orochimaru, what kind of person she expected him to be. But the rest of it, her concerns, he granted that she had every reason to hold them. For the first few years he himself was sure he was only a tool to the serpent, something to be used up and discarded as he had been once already. Instead he’d been met with a tenderness he hadn’t expected from someone exuding such power. It was the only comfort he had to take in those first few years. 

It was clear by the hesitation and the thought put into each word that she felt as though she had to walk on eggshells around him. And to be fair the first question did trigger a response – not violent, but softening features, his gaze dropped and it was his turn to chew over every word before speaking again. ‘ He’s.. it’s difficult to describe, I suppose. He’s different when it’s just the two of us. He’s always been kind and careful with me, even when I was young and he really..had no reason to. He’s brilliant, and ambitious, and..takes care of me. ‘ 

He wanted to emphasize, if nothing else, his own happiness with the relationship. Her next silly question put him a bit more at ease in its simplicity and shoulders relaxed, a hand reaching up to brush through silvery bangs. ‘ God – I don’t know, I read in my free time. I still..remember what you taught me about sewing and cooking, I usual take care of those things for both of us. ‘ The real, full answer was he had little free time and his interests largely consisted of Orochimaru and whatever task held his interest in that moment. That his devotion to the man was akin to hers with her religion. And it would be an argument waiting to happen.

By now he’d calmed down, at least a bit, and she seemed to be more relaxed as well. Neither came across as completely at ease with the meeting, he mused, but this was better. No one was cursing and venom no longer flowed so freely from his lips and her smile felt less hollowed now, at least somewhat. Maybe it would work, moving around each other carefully like this. 

Albeit, his expression darkens at her last comment. ‘ Well, I hate to break it to you but it’s been hard not to hate myself for the last ten years. The brain is a pretty miraculous thing – once you get into a habit, no amount of logical reasoning can sway it. ‘ 

By this point, Nonou wanted to sink into an abyss and never emerge from it again. She had never had a relationship out of the detached one she had with her children; never even had the chance to fall deeply in love with someone like Kabuto had. Was she committing the sin of envy...? Inwardly, she cursed herself for feeling jealous of her son. Of course he wasn't sleeping with an S-rank criminal for money; she knew that deep down, he wasn't that type of person. Nonou had felt disposable for most of her life, so instantly she assumed Kabuto's relationship was more of a business transaction.

She sighed, laying her head on the table. "I suppose it's difficult for me to accept because I never had the luxury of being taken care of by someone. In a way, I see it as weak because that's how I was raised, although I wish that I could have the same luxury as you." It was an honest admission, something she wasn't used to doing. Nonou stood up, and pulled a bottle of tequila out of the cabinet behind her, pouring both a glass for Kabuto and herself. If Kabuto was going to date mysterious boys with god complexes, then she was going to try something new and get drunk. Perhaps it would steady her nerves...

"I know you don't like me, and I don't know what I think of you. I'm not sure if I ever knew you, or if you were just an illusion." She said after downing half her glass, cheeks flushing. "I didn't know what I was expecting to find here, but I wish there was some way for us to put the past behind us. Not that we'll ever be so lucky." Nonou muttered, tongue now loosened by alcohol-addled brain. She reached out and grasped Kabutos hand again; she was lonely, and this was the only physical contact she had in years.

Lonely, and jaded, now that Nonou's mask was off. Maybe Kabuto had inherited his cold, cerebral view of the world from her. "Yes, you make me uncomfortable because the only thing you've done is shout at me since I've gotten here. Aren't I allowed to be selfish too? Don't you think I hate myself too?? Fine, I'm bitter and jealous because you've found someone who loves you. I didn't have that."

Still holding onto Kabuto's hand, and trying not to cry, (because that all she does, and her son won't shed a tear.) Nonou wondered why it felt like she had been screaming at a brick wall with no answer. "And all you can do is look at me with those cold eyes of yours. If you keep looking at me like that, I'm going to gouge them out!" Of course, the last sentence wasn't literal, but was still uttered in a bitter, sarcastic tone. All she wanted was to feel whole again, and she couldn't do that with Kabuto acting as if she was shittier than he was. Did everything have to be about him and protecting his ego?

The lilt in her words didn’t go unnoticed – he wasn’t sure what it meant but if nothing else, alluded to disapproval, some from of skepticism, and he felt taken aback. Of all things he’d thought finding someone like that, assuring he was treated well, cared for deeply by someone else. He’d hoped. Hearing her unhappiness with the one thing he held dear did nothing to help the straining fragments between them, even less the question that’s blurted out after.

Though clearly a thought that slipped between her hands, something never meant to be spoken aloud, he wasn’t so eager to overlook it. ‘ For – his money? Is that honestly what you think? ‘ Venom slips back into his words and for a moment, it crosses his expression how hurt he is, before smoothing back over. He hated that he was still a child craving a false mother’s approval. ‘ I’m not dating an S class criminal for his money, for fucks sake. I care about him. He’s the only person that’s been here for me. ‘ It was still cold, an exposure of himself he thought with bitterness, would go unappreciated by the woman claiming to want to know who he was now.

No matter what he said, or did, now it felt as though divulging any part of his live would just dig himself into a deeper hole of being simply irredeemable. It crossed his mind that it probably wasn’t a good idea to agree to meet her. That in this case, the dead really should have remained dead, if only to spare his own feelings. She didn’t even seem like she was happy at all to be there, on the verge of flinching as he spoke, trying to avoid touchy topics. Had he really become such a monster, even to her? Probably. It was stupid to even question it. 

‘ Don’t worry – I learned how to hate myself all on my own, ‘ he replied after a pause, tone low and subdued once again. ‘ I learned a lot of bad habits and brain functions, if that makes you feel better. Think of it as my penance. ‘ 

He moved further away from her, looking around the molding walls. Letting memories play back on them, a silent projector of what he could remember of her, of himself. Compare and contrast, a science he could hold tangible that only showed more depressing truths. They were the same people, same glasses. They were older now, and tired, and bitter beneath it all that they had both failed each other. 

As Kabuto learned against the wall, Nonou poured herself another drink. He just had to flee from her, after she had spent (too much) time looking for him; after he had tried to kill her and wouldn't even apologize. She was still bitter about that; if she had to grovel for forgiveness that was out of her reach, then why couldn't he? She drained her glass, burning her throat, and pondered why Kabuto was the only child of hers who actually drove her to drink.

Then, of course, Kabuto insisted on pulling back when she grabbed his hand; apologies for his increasingly cold demeanor falling from his lips, but apologies without changing one's actions were nothing more than dead words. No, she hadn't wanted him to look away from her, she wanted him to look at her with kindness, love, even pity would have sufficed. Something soft, not jagged like the entirety of Kabuto's demeanor.

"For the love of all that is holy, Kabuto, I don't *care* that you've changed, at least not in the way you think. But you...you can't just treat me like a scab you want to rip off and fling into the next country; I may be a nun, but I'm still human, and I still have feelings! I just want you to look at me as if I'm not subhuman, and you actually recognize me!" Groaned Nonou in exasperation. Then, noticing Kabuto hadn't touched his drink, she swiftly grabbed it with the ferocity only a bitter woman could feel and downed it.

Thoroughly drunk at this point, and very, very petty, Nonou bit her tongue to keep from laughing. Oh now it all made sense; her son enjoyed degradation, and serving that abhorrent boyfriend of his. Why else would he mention trading a normal life for his lover? The thought of it made her stomach churn, and maybe she hadn't been mortally wounded she could have prevented Kabuto from naively wandering into such a codependent relationship. "Healthy people don't choose to be in sexually dysfunctional relationships with their boyfriends, but then again, even as a child you were never healthy." She couldn't prove her statement, but little things here and there began to tip her off. The way Kabuto's eyes glowed when speaking of Orochimaru, and how his voice had taken on a reverent tone. Minor things she probably wouldn't have minded, except they proved Kabuto was capable of feeling and expressing emotions, but not with her.

An exceptionally reckless, even dangerous, idea was beginning to form in Nonou's mind. It was blatantly obvious Kabuto was repressed on the inside; his mind protecting itself by forming a tightly knotted ball which looked impossible to untangle. This was even more clear after he'd laid his head on the table in defeat. And sometimes, the only way to begin heal to such extensive damage was by breaking open the floodgates and letting the torrent of rage, guilt, self-loathing, and sadness come pouring out. Truthfully, this was the reason Nonou was subtly jabbing Kabuto with venomous words, to rile him up before she took the plunge into dangerous waters and cracked him open.

Glancing outside for a brief second, she noted that it was heavily storming, and for either of them to venture outside would be suicide. She wanted to run her fingers through Kabuto's hair, and tell him everything would be okay. She wanted to hold him, it was what she wanted most in the world. But, the time had come to exorcise her son's demons, and she had never felt more alone than in this cruel moment.

"Sometimes, I hate you, I really do." Uttered Nonou coolly, all traces of emotion except for bitterness, and loneliness, leaving her face. It was a blatant lie, enough to break her own heart, enough to destroy her, but she had been known for her martyr complex. If she could play the role of a mother, then just this once she could play the villain in order to force Kabuto into confronting himself.

And, and oh was she about to regret her next actions. This was going to hurt Nonou much, much more than Kabuto. She wrenched the glasses off of Kabuto's face, and flung them to the floor; glass shattering into millions of pieces just like her heart. Choking back tears, she sneered "You don't deserve to wear my glasses, and you never did!"

He was kicking himself again; maybe he wasn’t being fair to her, that her views stemmed from simple lack of understanding. They both lead very different lives, after all. What little he knew of her was nothing more than leftover remains of childhood idealization of a parent, now being ripped from his hands as he was met with the harsh reality that not even she was perfect. Not now. He took up a place leaned against the wall, not too far but keeping a distance that exemplified his own hesitance at speaking with her.

‘ I don’t like to drink, ‘ was all he gave in response to the glass laid out. Not that the offer wasn’t tempting – but in this case he felt a greater need than ever to try and maintain what self he could. He didn’t want to risk being overly emotional, and making her any more wary of him than she already was. 

Her words were met with a stretching silence from the younger, something on his face solemn. Though when he was grabbed, pulled closer as she admitted her own thoughts, twisted on her tongue into something more gruesome, a frown crosses his features, and he pulled back with gaze dropped. He kept chewing it over, like something sensible would come out if he worked through it enough. Like he could find patterns to cling to, a wishful thinking that maybe she wouldn’t be human, but numbers to put in order. Somehow it didn’t work. 

‘ ..I’m sorry I’m so cold. I don’t know what to tell you, about it. That’s the kind of person I became. If it makes you feel better I’ll stop looking at you. ‘ And he did just that, keeping his eyes away, again focused on the building around them. ‘ Maybe it’s the case that someone can change so much that you don’t love them anymore. I wouldn’t hold it against you. ‘ He moved to sit across from her again. Still, he wouldn’t touch the drink. ‘ You shouldn’t be jealous of me, either. I traded any hope of a normal life for this love. You could still go somewhere and live as a regular person, you could make a new self. I’d help, it’s the least I could do. ‘

She complained about his frigid attitude and yet he felt like he was growing colder by the moment. A sigh slipped out as he leaned his forehead against his hands on the table. ‘ God – I’m sorry I’m so fucking bad at this, ‘ he blurted out, tone laid heavy with defeat. 

Swaying drunkenly in front of Kabuto; eyes bleary from emotional exhaustion, Nonou gripped his chair to steady herself. Grasping Kabuto's face in her hand, and tilting it upwards so they were both looking at each other directly in the eyes, Nonou whispered "You're right, all of this was a carefully constructed facade so that I could rip you to shreds for almost killing me and leaving me in a fucking daze for nearly a decade!" More lies, more tears which were becoming dangerously difficult to conceal with each passing moment.

And then, Kabuto had unraveled, looking at her like a frightened, wounded animal; causing Nonou to nearly choke. Her plan was working, but it was killing her. She wanted Kabuto to empty himself out until his mind became a blank slate; pure. But this...was the worst thing she had ever done, even worse than working for Danzo.

"And I feel the same whenever I look at you, you wretched---" Nonou tried to choke out, but couldn't, her hateful facade beginning to crack. "You...you..." Desperately, she bit down on her hand, drawing blood in the process, to keep herself from sobbing. But her eyes widened when Kabuto picked up the knife, pointing it at himself, looking more and more unstable.

Would he really carve out his own heart for her? Finally, unable to bear the pain of hurting her (beloved, dearly beloved) son, a mournful shriek erupted from Nonou's throat and she flung herself at Kabuto, pinning him against the wall and trying to wrench the knife from his hand. She shoved her forehead against his with enough force to cause them both bruising; emerald eyes gazing into inky black pools with a look of sheer agony. "Stop! Stop! I'm not worth it!" She cried almost incoherently, sinking to the floor and pulling Kabuto down with her.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry...so sorry. I can't... I'm not strong enough to hurt you... I--I just wanted you to face yourself; that's the only way you'll ever be free of all this--this pain you hold inside of you; even if that meant y-you'd hate me... Even if it meant you running back to your boyfriend, which is where you should be right now, and never thinking of me again. At least you'd finally put the past behind you."

The storm outside reached its peak, and with a loud crack of lightning, all of the lights in the cabin went out; enshrouding everything in darkness. Sobbing uncontrollably by this point, and managing to pull the knife from her son's grasp, Nonou buried her face in Kabuto's shoulder and curled into his body; wrapping her arms tightly around him.

"I'd do anything for you... I--I want to hold you and make all of this go away, but I don't know how. I...I... Oh god, I'm so lonely...!"

The first comment kept him quiet, retreating into his own thoughts further. Thoughts that served only to be a thoroughly unhelpful whirlpool of loathing, for himself, for this situation, selfish wishes that he could just leave and forget about this entire thing. Of course it’s only when she mentioned his relationship that his head snaps back up, brows furrowed. ‘ What the hell are you talking about? ‘ It wasn’t as biting, a genuine confusion crossing over his face. What the fuck was she talking about? Where did she pull dysfunctional from? A feeling that settled low and uncomfortable in his gut. What had he done as a child that could have been that awful? Questions laying on his tongue, but he’s stopped once he takes in the sight across from him.

Even if not blood relatives they seemed to share the trait of being pathetically lightweight. Her expression seemed less desperate and just, cold, maybe admitting defeat in the face of his non-existent communication skills. Until she uttered something else that his shitty mind clung onto and let cut through him. Of course she hated him. That made sense, the way he was, the way he was acting. But to hear it broke off the frigid look and he recoiled in his seat, hurt. He didn’t bother to repair his expression. It was working too well, the thoughts put in motion outside of his sight. She was drunk, he took her words not as careful fabrications but as the truth held back by a demeanor trained to remain sweet, holy and divine. He took for granted her own cunning and instead the words festered in old, reopened wounds.

Only when she stormed over did he back up and out of his chair, brows creased and exclamation sitting on his lips when the framers were torn from his face. ‘ What the FUCK is wrong with you!? ‘ That act shook him, brought heartbeats to his ears as he was reduced to squinting at what remained of his glasses and the shorter, angry woman in front of him. It was his turn to be afraid with his one mode of sight rendered useless. Cracked lenses he could fix, not shattered.

And it worked still, desperation boiling over as he finally demanded, ‘ What did I ever do to you as a child? What happened to all that bullshit about still caring about me? Was that just a lie to make us both feel better? ‘ He must still revere her as his mother because he felt like a small child once again, terrified and being scolded for something he hadn’t meant. He wished he could let himself cry and earn enough pity to wash away every horrible thing he’d done. He wished he could be a child not deserving of her anger. But he was an adult now, one that had spent the last ten years fucking up in rapid succession to create an emotionally useless human being.

If what she wanted was for him to feel at his wits end, nearly blind and aching from a heartbreak that seeped out of the careful box he kept his feelings in, it was working. ‘ I don’t – I honestly don’t know what you want from me, Nonou, ‘ he laughed out, tone defeated, hopeless. ‘ I’m sorry you weren’t able to walk in here and have everything the same it was ten years ago. I’m sorry I had to grow up. I’m sorry I have a hard time looking at you because your face became synonymous in my mind with the WORST day of my life. I’m sorry I fucking killed you and had to live with that blood on my hands and that made me so fucking unbearable as a human being. But I don’t – know what you want! ‘ His voice raised, like a cornered animal reduced to barking even as body language indicated fear. ‘ Do you want me to leave the only place I’ve had as a home? Leave the only person I have to go back to? Do you want to kill me? ‘

Violent impulse moved his hand for the knife still on the counter, fuzzy in his view now. The blade waved, though not at her, but in his own direction. ‘ Do you want me to carve my heart and serve it to you? Will you know I mean it, then? Will you know you’re still fucking important to me? Will that be enough to make you happy? ‘ His voice wavered in decreasing steadiness the entire time.

If Kabuto's mind was left in fragments, Nonou's looked more like the aftermath of a meteorite devastating the earth. Her persona was holiness; purposely causing so much damage to her had permanently destroyed any notion of purity she had left. Like Kabuto, this entire meeting was a solemn reminder that everything she touched would decay.

Unfortunately, it seemed as if Kabuto would always be too focused on protecting himself to notice that his mother was suffering just as much as him. Orochimaru must secretly be a saint, Nonou reflected, to patiently care for her self-absorbed son. The worst martyrdom was enduring the person closest to you looking right through you, as if they had never saw you in the first place. Even with his glasses on, Kabuto was blind. It wasn't his fault, but it still hurt nonetheless.

Nonou flinched when Kabuto returned her embrace; she thought he would push her away, snap at her even. But no, he simply begged her to stop apologizing, and told her not to blame myself. "I will never stop blaming myself until you find a way to be at peace with yourself..." Nonou murmured into his shoulder. "My lot in life has always been suffering, that is the only thing I know how to do."

And of course, her son wanted to leave, why wouldn't he? Kabuto's existence consisted of running away from people, she shouldn't have expected less. But still, although she loathed to admit, she just wanted to lay here and pretend that everything wasn't completely different. Vague memories swam to the surface of her mind, simultaneously filling her with false comfort and lacerating it more. Nonou could give Kabuto more time, but the lonely ache in her chest would likely kill her before he ever called her his mother ever again. She had been feeling strangely sick as of late; this situation doing nothing but exacerbating it.

"...Please don't leave me, just stay a little while longer..." Nonou whispered almost inaudibly. Slowly, her eyes closed, and she drifted off to sleep; head resting on Kabuto's shoulder.

Ah, it’d been so long, he forgot what it felt like to be shredded into fragments of a person, scattered like an unwanted letter. It was like everything he’d ever feared when the thought of bringing her back to life entered his mind; loathing, violent rejection, reminder that there’s weakness in caring for anyone other than the man he knows waits for him far away and through the clouds swirling around them. But she got what he wanted, he felt like his mind was pulled a thousand miles away from his body only to sit and watch as only emotion was left in the stupid meatsack, and he looked like he would cry if she kept on.

But she didn’t and even that did nothing to improve his state of mind. Just what he needed – to be manipulated so easily by his own mother, right? Even as she cried, and yelled, he did little more than watch and allowed himself to be shoved against the wall, wincing at the headbutt and eventually falling to the floor with her. He wanted it to be better. He wanted to feel better, he wanted it to be fixed by her apology and find some kind of safety in her arms, like anyone should with their mother. But his mind was a sick thing that clung to her words, fake or not. It was the exact thing it loved to take and run away with, to convince the body there was no trusting in anyone, that he deserved the wounds still bleeding from her lashing out.

Quiet logic insisted, though, that she had meant well. He forced himself to move, to wrap his arms around her in return, tight, hoping to find anything comfort in the act. To feel anything beside hurt and a dread clinging deep in his stomach. ‘ I don’t hate you, ‘ he murmured, soft in contrast to her ugly sobs. ‘ I never..hated you. Just stop apologizing it’s really, alright…I don’t blame you. ‘

His voice wasn’t as cold, merely, hollowed and sad. ‘ I don’t want to never think of you again. I tried that and it worked horribly. I want to know you again, I just.. ‘ a sigh, he let his eyes close in the darkness. ‘ I just, need more time. All I want right now is to go home.. ‘

Eyelids fluttered, and with a small gasp, Nonou broke free of Kabuto's grasp. Head pounding, heart racing, and thoughts colliding with darker thoughts; Nonou could barely remember what happened last night except for traces of shouting, and an endless torrent of tears streaming from her eyes. She looked at the knife which lay on the ground next to Kabuto with a look of worry. "Oh, my head feels like it's caved in. W-what happened last night?"

Then, standing up unsteadily, Nonou immediately bent over, coughing profusely for several minutes. She had been feeling strangely sick for the past few months, and now she was starting to feel weaker with each passing day. Leaning over; gasping for breath, a small amount of blood trickled out of her mouth. Quickly wiping it away, and hoping Kabuto hadn't seen it, she cleared away the drinks from last night.

Why were Kabuto's glasses on the floor? She looked at him curiously as he got up and sat in his chair. It would have to wait for right now, she had something very important to give him. Rummaging around in her pockets for a moment, Nonou pulled out a small copper key. Then, leading Kabuto gently by the hand, she guided him down into the basement.

Damp; freezing cold, and lit with nothing but a flickering bulb, Nonou could feel her lungs constricting with every step she took. There was nothing of note, except for a lockbox in the corner of the room, and a rotting desk with a canvas bag on top of it. Squatting, Nonou inserted the key into the lockbox, and gripping the rusted door with both hands, she pulled it open with a grunt.

Inside was the inheritance her parents had left her; enough money to rival the Uchiha and Senju clans. Her father had amassed a small fortune as a foreign, (and corrupt) Catholic missionary, but never spent a penny of it. Truthfully, Nonou wasn't aware of its existence until fairly recently, which is why she had been unable to use it as funding for the orphanage. And now, it belonged to Kabuto.

Sliding the key into her son's hand, Nonou murmured "My father was a wealthy man, but I didn't know it until about six months ago. I inherited this cabin, my childhood home, but I had no luck trying to find the key to this box. It wasn't even listed in his list of assets. I found it completely by accident, after going through some of his old letters."

Doubling over again, Nonou wheezed, desperately trying not to cough. "It's yours, all of it is yours now, Kabuto..." More coughing, and this time she had to grab the desk to steady herself.

Finally, she picked up the bag on top of the desk and held it out to her son, hands trembling. Inside were his favorite childhood puzzles and books, pictures of his brothers and sisters, and all of the birthday cards Nonou had given him over the years before he left. Suddenly, overcome with another coughing fit, Nonou shivered violently; unable to prevent a surge of bloody phlegm from hitting the stone floor. "Oh, I apologize... I just have a small cold." She whispered hoarsely, voice cracking.

‘ I’d rather you be at peace with yourself. You didn’t deserve to have your life ruined by one shitty kid out of all of the ones you helped. ‘ he sighed, eyes still closed, a hand moved in small circles to try and offer some comfort. ‘ I won’t leave. I’m not going to leave you alone.. ‘ 

He was grateful to feel her breathing even out and slip into a rhythm of rest. It meant he could have time in silence, a backtrack of thunder until the storm subsided into rain alone. Time to let his mind simmer and come to understand everything, to calm down from gut emotions he loathed so dearly. To wonder why they were both such useless individuals that couldn’t communicate with each other. 

In truth he spent more of that time letting himself be numb. The weather static served as a gentle lullaby, something he could blend into, back into a comfortable nothingness. He thought if he were to disappear right there and never bother her again, that would be nice. He was born of nothing but a strangers kindness and even that had been taken advantage of, corrupted and abandon. What would she really, truly think if she knew every awful thing he’d ever done? If how, even now, he didn’t feel remorse for half of it? What would she think if he could express how he never stopped caring about her and wanting her back, somehow, to fix all of this. 

It was in the midst of that where he fell asleep as well, troubled and light, half-woken by every leftover clap of thunder. Shallow dreams mixed with that uncertainty, unsettled thoughts and self, leading to old nightmares of himself as something unfamiliar. Of his mother, but older now, dying breaths tangled in the blood coughed as she sprung up from her defeated pose and he could feel hands around his neck, someone asking how, why? why couldn’t he be better? why was he so selfish? why couldn’t he breath?

He woke with a start to sunlight, pulse racing, and a weight on his chest that made him panic at first. But it was still just her, passed out. 

Heart sinking at the look of disgust on Kabuto's face, Nonou simply smiled and informed her son the money was his to do with as he wished. But, she also muttered with a hint of melancholy, the orphanage had burnt down five years prior during an exceptionally severe drought. There were no survivors except for Urushi, who had strangely disappeared after the incident. All that was left was a small cemetery where flowers never seemed grow, and a defunct shelter hidden in the ground in case the village was ever attacked. "The most you could do is hire a new caretaker for the cemetery; most people are afraid to go near it because they still believe in old superstitions."

Nonou had purposely left out a small scrap of information; Danzo had been obsessed with eliminating all traces of his former projects, and the orphanage was a reminder that he frequently ordered his underlings to abduct children there, in the middle of the night, for use in his experiments. A lot had changed after Kabuto left; it hadn't been a place of happy memories for years. Nonou had been away on a pilgrimage, and returned to nothing but rubble and charred remains.

Truthfully, she thought Kabuto had died horrifically. The imposter Danzo planted had been at the orphanage when Nonou returned from her final mission; memory partially wiped of all that happened. By all accounts, Kabuto had been replaced perfectly; every inch of the original, down to the silvery strands of hair and meticulous personality, had been replicated. Danzo was careful, and paranoid, enough to cover his tracks. So when all of this crumbled to ash, Nonou locked all of her emotions away and fled to a distant convent.

Unbeknownst to Kabuto, she had spent years grieving for him. This was years before the Hidden Sound had been properly established, long before there was any information about its whereabouts and inhabitants. When Nonou realized Kabuto was still alive, she spent months in shock, and then several more months troubling over the atrocities her son had committed; and still more contemplating on how to reach out to him.

She had been fortunate enough to retrieve several of his things, although she had to spend weeks airing out the stench of smoke before she could give it to him. To see the nauseated, almost fearful look on Kabuto's face was enough to tear the wounds in her heart anew. I spent years crying for you, Nonou reflected mournfully, and I have a feeling you'll never smile for me again. All of these mementos she had gathered (priceless, just like her son), and her inheritance, had been compiled for Kabuto's happiness, except that it was clear her son had forgotten how to be happy.

Severe grief flashed in Nonou's eyes for a moment, before she choked it back with a smile and allowed herself to be led upstairs. After knowing about the depth of her son's self-loathing, Nonou was wary about telling him about Danzo and all of the horrific events that had happened in his absence; how she had sobbed herself to sleep and starved herself years after she thought Kabuto was dead; that seeing the cold eyes of her son yesterday, piercing her with their bitterness, was worse than any torture she could imagine. Part of her wanted Kabuto to notice and pry these aching secrets from her lips, to pull her into his arms and tell her that everything was okay. But, God was dead, and this was Hell.

Gazing at the tea simmering on the stove, Nonou suddenly felt very weak and tired. Her face grew pale, and she shivered violently as all she could feel now was a death-like coldness. "You shouldn't worry so much... I'm sure it's nothing." Nonou tried to reassure, her voice quiet because it hurt to talk. Unfortunately, she had breathed in a strange chemical when she returned to the smoldering remains of the orphanage, and now it was wreaking havoc on her body years later. Perhaps her son's village had medical technology advanced enough to halt the progression of whatever pathogen she harbored within, but it was just as likely she would endure a slow, agonizing death.

"Yes... I suppose I'll go with you, but there's something I need to do first." Nonou whispered with a sigh. She explained to Kabuto that she wanted to visit the orphanage's cemetery as the anniversary of its destruction was in a few days, leaving out the part where she desperately needed to get inside the large shelter beneath it. Something horrible awaited her there, and she needed to confront it before the sickness ravaging her body destroyed her. It was imperative.

More coughing, and more blood. "You...you don't have to go with me because I know how difficult this has been for you, but..." She leaned over, gasping for breath. "I--I suppose I have no choice but to ask you."

Once she was awake and stumbling around he followed suit, but, opted not to describe anything she didn’t still remember. It would be better for both of them if the things she’d said and done were left forgotten, he thought. As he was led downstairs he still didn’t speak but now watched her with furrowed brows as the coughing fit hadn’t gone unnoticed but he thought maybe, it was just a fluke.

The money almost disgusted him to look at. Why, of all people, did she think he deserved it? She hadn’t been wrong about Orochimaru being rich – on top of that, he’s just a useless, leftover mistake from a place that still was doing good things for the kids there, that could use money like this far more. That protest sat on his lips when she began coughing again and his frown deepened. ‘ Listen this – this is, kind of you, really. But I don’t need this. You should keep it to yourself, or give it back to the orphanage, or just leave it on a strangers doorstep I don’t know. I don’t really deserve it, though.. ‘

It trailed off, she was still going on, picking up something else that made his stomach churn on sight alone and he wanted to push it away, but before he could she was doubled over, and a fear dug its claws into his chest. This all wasn’t some kind of last will, it couldn’t be, right? 

‘ Fucking shit – you’re not okay, come on, you shouldn’t be down here. ‘ Regardless of protests he left the gifts down in the basement and guided her back upstairs to the chairs in the kitchen. Once she was settled he went about looking for anything to help, eventually finding tea and finding to his relief that the stove still functioned. ‘ You should come back with me, ‘ he said after a pause, quiet, ‘ To my home. I could take care of you better there. ‘ The lump growing in his throat moves higher, and he tries to disguise the way his voice wavers by laughing. ‘ Unless you’re going to tell me you’re already dying and I can’t do anything about it? ‘ 

❛ you have a sadness living in places sadness shouldn’t live. ❜

Sighing, Nonou peered up from her novel. Her son was sitting on the couch next to her, engrossed in one of his anatomy books. Their eyes met, and for only a moment, Nonou thought she had caught a glimpse of her old (and dead) sweet, compassionate child. However, such hopeful notions were only an illusion. Did Kabuto have an ulterior motive in acknowledging her?

She knew she should learn to trust her son, but she couldn’t. Not yet… Truthfully, Nonou was a living glacier; permafrost, a curse she had likely passed onto Kabuto. Maybe in time, she could learn to feel close to him again, but he would have to put in effort.

“I know I’m not as cheerful as I come off, Kabuto, but you’ve always been a place where sadness lives. You infect other people with it.” Nonou whispered, and closed her book.

She stood up to leave. “I don’t know how to make you happy, and it seems all I do is try.”

❛ he makes my tongue so weak it forgets what language to speak in. ❜

Nonou poured herself another drink. If Kabuto was going to muse about his boyfriend in vaguely poetic terms, then she might as well be drunk. It was difficult for her son to talk about anything besides Orochimaru, and everyone in the Sound village was aware of that fact. It was partially the reason why her son had no friends. On and on Kabuto spoke, this time bragging about how Orochimaru had made him a fucking candle, and so Nonou kept drinking.

Eyes blurring, Nonou looked at her son with a lopsided smirk. “I’ve kissed a girl, you know. A few times, to be frank. In the chapel, when the Mother Superior wasn’t paying attention. I daresay I made her tongue weak, and I certainly got her to speak something besides the Hail Mary.” She slurred, cheeks turning red.

“But don’t you ever get tired of acting like a giddy schoolgirl, Kabuto? You shouldn’t be like your mother.”

"Listen, I -" there's a sigh, a hand adjusting already perfect frames. He's visibly uncomfortable but continues on. "I know I've never done, anything good for you. Ever, really. But I still..I'm, grateful, you know. To have you around. No matter how much I bitch about stupid things you mean a lot to me. I'm glad you're not dead."

Well, Nonou thought with amusement, it seems as if Kabuto was happy Orochimaru had returned from his meeting with the Sand Village. He had been grumpy all week, and locked himself away in his lab. But this seemed genuine, not forced. She didn’t know what to say in response, so she tried smiling.

“I’m…grateful to have the chance to get to know you again, Kabuto. Really…I don’t know what to say.” She said, with a soft look in her eyes. Nonou wanted to hug him, but she didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, so she affectionately squeezed his shoulder instead.

It was settled then. Nonou left, Kabuto in tow, the next morning; trekking through the rainy mountainside to reach the Leaf Village. As they traveled, Nonou grew weaker, and they were forced to stop for extended periods of time. When they finally reached the site of the former orphanage, the sky was a dark dusty hue, and wisps of fog licked coldly at their ankles.

Nonou pulled her cloak tightly around her, shivering. The cemetery loomed melancholically in front of them, small graves crammed together without any regard to placement, and decaying bouquets of dead flowers which had been rotting there for years. She tried desperately to not think of all the time she had spent there, and now it had all crumbled to dust. Part of her wanted to reach out and ask him what he was thinking; if he was okay, but Nonou knew Kabuto would rather walk in silence, and be left to his thoughts.

Grasping his cold, clammy hand, Nonou led her son into the cemetery; dead grass crunching underfoot. It was large, without any apparent paths marked out, and bits of charred wood from the old foundation were scattered about. They walked for a while, until Nonou collapsed to the ground coughing and sputtering; blood from her mouth splashing onto the gravestone in front of them. Eyes blurring from the gnawing pain in her chest; Nonou read the epitaph carefully and covered her mouth in shock.

It was the grave of the imposter Kabuto; the carefully-planted replica; the reason why Nonou had mourned for years. She reached out and touched it; rough granite scraping her fingers. Then, she remembered the real Kabuto was standing next to her; although his ghost haunted her in a different way. She tried to distract him before he saw the tombstone; Nonou couldn't bear to explain to him that the real reason why she hadn't searched for him was due to the sole fact she had thought he had been dead for years.

Another coughing fit overcame her, and in the midst of trying to catch her breath, Nonou didn't notice the small, leather-bound journal resting on the ground near Kabuto's feet. Over the years, she had written letters to her son as a way of trying to process her grief, and left the notebook here as an offering several years ago.

Of course it had burned down. He never thought to check on the building – too afraid to, to be caught snooping by someone who may remember him. But it wouldn’t be a problem now, would it? There was too much already going on in his mind to even grieve over that and he opted to push it off to the side, a new topic to repress now that the problem of his mother had become unavoidable. The problem being she proved to be just as obnoxiously stubborn and unskilled at treating herself medically as he was. Another trait passed down spiritually, he mused.

‘ I really don’t understand why this can’t wait – you sound awful.. ‘ Kabuto sighed across from her, brow creased. ‘ But I’m not really in a position to say no to you, am I? ‘ Without his help he doubted she could make it all the way back to Konoha without his help and that thought made him sick to his stomach. It wasn’t as though he couldn’t claim to have any sentimental values of his own, as the object of his collection sat shattered on the floor, still. She had every right to want to go back, even if he’d avoided the area like the plague. He stood in silence for a pause, watching her blurry figure close by, not sure what to do to help her.

He chewed on his bottom lip, thoughtful. ‘ It’s not going to be easy. I’m blind and you’re in bad shape, I’m not sure if we can make it there in time. But I’ll try. ‘ This much he owed her, Kabuto would admit.