Brb Gonna Go Purge My Soul - Tumblr Posts
Nonou released Kabuto's wrist with a sigh, returning her gaze back to her tea, which was now cold and no longer worth drinking. What had she expected from the son she had ignored for ten years? Had she really thought he would be awaiting her; arms wide open and a gentle smile on his face? Here she was, the prodigal mother, but life never quite seemed to mimic the Bible stories she had been taught; here was yet another example that her religion didn't hold all of the answers. Kabuto didn't hate her; a small drop of relief had fallen upon her arid soul when he told her that, but he wasn't sure if he still loved her either. She wanted to tell him that just because she had been his mother didn't mean she was perfect; not that he would ever let her think that ever again; and that his lack of unconditional love hurt more than any corporeal wounds he had ever inflicted.
"I haven't had time to process the memories you've carried around with you for years; my entire worldview just shattered moments ago, and I can no longer bear the thought of you looking at me with those cold eyes of yours. I'm trying desperately to be here for you right now, Kabuto; trying to heal you because I am your mother and I want to protect you. Please recognize that everything I've done has been out of love for you, even though you may not understand it..."
Overcome with grief; blinded by desperation; Nonou flung herself at Kabuto, wrapping her arms around him, and burying her face into the warmth of his shoulder. Everything about his reactions stated that he wished to be anywhere but here, away from her. In her fragile state of mind, if she had let Kabuto leave, she wouldn't be there in the future. Nonou couldn't tell him that, otherwise she'd risk provoking the rage he harbored within him. Tears trickled down her cheeks, and she prayed to the God who no longer seemed to care for her that Kabuto wouldn't notice, because at this point he would only see her as pathetic.
"We've both left fragments of ourselves behind that night; we're one and the same. I'm just like you; more of nothingness than you will ever be. And... I- I, I'll always love you, and you'll always be my son, even if you never love me again. Just please... Be here with me now. I'll never ask anything of you again. Please..."
‘ You don’t have to lecture me about how sad and tragic your fucking life is, I get it, trust me. But don’t fucking guilt me about it. If I didn’t get the luxury of dying, why should you? ‘
He was cold again, as though calmed so she could take a turn to snap at him. It wasn’t fair in his mind that she should get shout all of these things at him, everything he knows so well already about himself, everything she feels that he’d already felt a hundred times over. To have it shoved back in his face that as soon as she left his life he went back to being a shadow parading around in the sole artifact remaining from his childhood. Now he wanted to rip the frames from his face and shatter them again – as he’d done the first time he returned with the knowledge of her survival. This time he wouldn’t have Orochimaru to mend them if he did.
It ached and he was growing tired at a rapid pace. He wanted this entire conversation wiped from his memory, he wanted to go home and curl up in bed and listen to his boyfriend talk until he fell asleep, he wanted to go back to a normalcy where he could ignore what remained the foundation of his person.
He didn’t move from her grasp, but still went on with far less elegance. ‘ I don’t even know what to tell you, anymore. It’s not like I can fucking forgive you for just springing this all on me but I don’t – ‘ he cut himself off with a sigh, looking away to continue, ‘ I don’t, hate you. I don’t fucking know how I feel about you right now. You just need to get it through your skull that I’m not going to be your fucking scapegoat so you don’t have to deal with this. I had to grow up thinking I killed my own mother, I should think that you, a grown fucking woman, could figure out where to go from here without making my life any more miserable. ‘
Part of him wanted to leave at that point, to tell her she needed to get her shit together before they tried to talk again, but he wasn’t sure if he would see her again if that was the case. And he couldn’t decide if that was something he wanted, or not.