By This Point, Nonou Wanted To Sink Into An Abyss And Never Emerge From It Again. She Had Never Had A

By this point, Nonou wanted to sink into an abyss and never emerge from it again. She had never had a relationship out of the detached one she had with her children; never even had the chance to fall deeply in love with someone like Kabuto had. Was she committing the sin of envy...? Inwardly, she cursed herself for feeling jealous of her son. Of course he wasn't sleeping with an S-rank criminal for money; she knew that deep down, he wasn't that type of person. Nonou had felt disposable for most of her life, so instantly she assumed Kabuto's relationship was more of a business transaction.

She sighed, laying her head on the table. "I suppose it's difficult for me to accept because I never had the luxury of being taken care of by someone. In a way, I see it as weak because that's how I was raised, although I wish that I could have the same luxury as you." It was an honest admission, something she wasn't used to doing. Nonou stood up, and pulled a bottle of tequila out of the cabinet behind her, pouring both a glass for Kabuto and herself. If Kabuto was going to date mysterious boys with god complexes, then she was going to try something new and get drunk. Perhaps it would steady her nerves...

"I know you don't like me, and I don't know what I think of you. I'm not sure if I ever knew you, or if you were just an illusion." She said after downing half her glass, cheeks flushing. "I didn't know what I was expecting to find here, but I wish there was some way for us to put the past behind us. Not that we'll ever be so lucky." Nonou muttered, tongue now loosened by alcohol-addled brain. She reached out and grasped Kabutos hand again; she was lonely, and this was the only physical contact she had in years.

Lonely, and jaded, now that Nonou's mask was off. Maybe Kabuto had inherited his cold, cerebral view of the world from her. "Yes, you make me uncomfortable because the only thing you've done is shout at me since I've gotten here. Aren't I allowed to be selfish too? Don't you think I hate myself too?? Fine, I'm bitter and jealous because you've found someone who loves you. I didn't have that."

Still holding onto Kabuto's hand, and trying not to cry, (because that all she does, and her son won't shed a tear.) Nonou wondered why it felt like she had been screaming at a brick wall with no answer. "And all you can do is look at me with those cold eyes of yours. If you keep looking at me like that, I'm going to gouge them out!" Of course, the last sentence wasn't literal, but was still uttered in a bitter, sarcastic tone. All she wanted was to feel whole again, and she couldn't do that with Kabuto acting as if she was shittier than he was. Did everything have to be about him and protecting his ego?

The lilt in her words didn’t go unnoticed – he wasn’t sure what it meant but if nothing else, alluded to disapproval, some from of skepticism, and he felt taken aback. Of all things he’d thought finding someone like that, assuring he was treated well, cared for deeply by someone else. He’d hoped. Hearing her unhappiness with the one thing he held dear did nothing to help the straining fragments between them, even less the question that’s blurted out after.

Though clearly a thought that slipped between her hands, something never meant to be spoken aloud, he wasn’t so eager to overlook it. ‘ For – his money? Is that honestly what you think? ‘ Venom slips back into his words and for a moment, it crosses his expression how hurt he is, before smoothing back over. He hated that he was still a child craving a false mother’s approval. ‘ I’m not dating an S class criminal for his money, for fucks sake. I care about him. He’s the only person that’s been here for me. ‘ It was still cold, an exposure of himself he thought with bitterness, would go unappreciated by the woman claiming to want to know who he was now.

No matter what he said, or did, now it felt as though divulging any part of his live would just dig himself into a deeper hole of being simply irredeemable. It crossed his mind that it probably wasn’t a good idea to agree to meet her. That in this case, the dead really should have remained dead, if only to spare his own feelings. She didn’t even seem like she was happy at all to be there, on the verge of flinching as he spoke, trying to avoid touchy topics. Had he really become such a monster, even to her? Probably. It was stupid to even question it. 

‘ Don’t worry – I learned how to hate myself all on my own, ‘ he replied after a pause, tone low and subdued once again. ‘ I learned a lot of bad habits and brain functions, if that makes you feel better. Think of it as my penance. ‘ 

He moved further away from her, looking around the molding walls. Letting memories play back on them, a silent projector of what he could remember of her, of himself. Compare and contrast, a science he could hold tangible that only showed more depressing truths. They were the same people, same glasses. They were older now, and tired, and bitter beneath it all that they had both failed each other. 

Have you ever had sex before? If yes, with how many different people in total?

Adjusting her glasses with a sigh, Nonou prayed for the grace necessary to handle such an inappropriate question; of course the nosy teenage boy sitting in her Sunday School class *would* ask that."I'm a nun, really that speaks for itself."But, as she reflected, there was a time during her stay at her first convent where she had gotten a little too close to one of the other novices; which had led to stolen makeout sessions in the abandoned chapel. But as far as actual sex went, Nonou was very much repressed in that manner; she wasn't sure she could even handle having a girlfriend.

Swaying drunkenly in front of Kabuto; eyes bleary from emotional exhaustion, Nonou gripped his chair to steady herself. Grasping Kabuto's face in her hand, and tilting it upwards so they were both looking at each other directly in the eyes, Nonou whispered "You're right, all of this was a carefully constructed facade so that I could rip you to shreds for almost killing me and leaving me in a fucking daze for nearly a decade!" More lies, more tears which were becoming dangerously difficult to conceal with each passing moment.

And then, Kabuto had unraveled, looking at her like a frightened, wounded animal; causing Nonou to nearly choke. Her plan was working, but it was killing her. She wanted Kabuto to empty himself out until his mind became a blank slate; pure. But this...was the worst thing she had ever done, even worse than working for Danzo.

"And I feel the same whenever I look at you, you wretched---" Nonou tried to choke out, but couldn't, her hateful facade beginning to crack. "You...you..." Desperately, she bit down on her hand, drawing blood in the process, to keep herself from sobbing. But her eyes widened when Kabuto picked up the knife, pointing it at himself, looking more and more unstable.

Would he really carve out his own heart for her? Finally, unable to bear the pain of hurting her (beloved, dearly beloved) son, a mournful shriek erupted from Nonou's throat and she flung herself at Kabuto, pinning him against the wall and trying to wrench the knife from his hand. She shoved her forehead against his with enough force to cause them both bruising; emerald eyes gazing into inky black pools with a look of sheer agony. "Stop! Stop! I'm not worth it!" She cried almost incoherently, sinking to the floor and pulling Kabuto down with her.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry...so sorry. I can't... I'm not strong enough to hurt you... I--I just wanted you to face yourself; that's the only way you'll ever be free of all this--this pain you hold inside of you; even if that meant y-you'd hate me... Even if it meant you running back to your boyfriend, which is where you should be right now, and never thinking of me again. At least you'd finally put the past behind you."

The storm outside reached its peak, and with a loud crack of lightning, all of the lights in the cabin went out; enshrouding everything in darkness. Sobbing uncontrollably by this point, and managing to pull the knife from her son's grasp, Nonou buried her face in Kabuto's shoulder and curled into his body; wrapping her arms tightly around him.

"I'd do anything for you... I--I want to hold you and make all of this go away, but I don't know how. I...I... Oh god, I'm so lonely...!"

The first comment kept him quiet, retreating into his own thoughts further. Thoughts that served only to be a thoroughly unhelpful whirlpool of loathing, for himself, for this situation, selfish wishes that he could just leave and forget about this entire thing. Of course it’s only when she mentioned his relationship that his head snaps back up, brows furrowed. ‘ What the hell are you talking about? ‘ It wasn’t as biting, a genuine confusion crossing over his face. What the fuck was she talking about? Where did she pull dysfunctional from? A feeling that settled low and uncomfortable in his gut. What had he done as a child that could have been that awful? Questions laying on his tongue, but he’s stopped once he takes in the sight across from him.

Even if not blood relatives they seemed to share the trait of being pathetically lightweight. Her expression seemed less desperate and just, cold, maybe admitting defeat in the face of his non-existent communication skills. Until she uttered something else that his shitty mind clung onto and let cut through him. Of course she hated him. That made sense, the way he was, the way he was acting. But to hear it broke off the frigid look and he recoiled in his seat, hurt. He didn’t bother to repair his expression. It was working too well, the thoughts put in motion outside of his sight. She was drunk, he took her words not as careful fabrications but as the truth held back by a demeanor trained to remain sweet, holy and divine. He took for granted her own cunning and instead the words festered in old, reopened wounds.

Only when she stormed over did he back up and out of his chair, brows creased and exclamation sitting on his lips when the framers were torn from his face. ‘ What the FUCK is wrong with you!? ‘ That act shook him, brought heartbeats to his ears as he was reduced to squinting at what remained of his glasses and the shorter, angry woman in front of him. It was his turn to be afraid with his one mode of sight rendered useless. Cracked lenses he could fix, not shattered.

And it worked still, desperation boiling over as he finally demanded, ‘ What did I ever do to you as a child? What happened to all that bullshit about still caring about me? Was that just a lie to make us both feel better? ‘ He must still revere her as his mother because he felt like a small child once again, terrified and being scolded for something he hadn’t meant. He wished he could let himself cry and earn enough pity to wash away every horrible thing he’d done. He wished he could be a child not deserving of her anger. But he was an adult now, one that had spent the last ten years fucking up in rapid succession to create an emotionally useless human being.

If what she wanted was for him to feel at his wits end, nearly blind and aching from a heartbreak that seeped out of the careful box he kept his feelings in, it was working. ‘ I don’t – I honestly don’t know what you want from me, Nonou, ‘ he laughed out, tone defeated, hopeless. ‘ I’m sorry you weren’t able to walk in here and have everything the same it was ten years ago. I’m sorry I had to grow up. I’m sorry I have a hard time looking at you because your face became synonymous in my mind with the WORST day of my life. I’m sorry I fucking killed you and had to live with that blood on my hands and that made me so fucking unbearable as a human being. But I don’t – know what you want! ‘ His voice raised, like a cornered animal reduced to barking even as body language indicated fear. ‘ Do you want me to leave the only place I’ve had as a home? Leave the only person I have to go back to? Do you want to kill me? ‘

Violent impulse moved his hand for the knife still on the counter, fuzzy in his view now. The blade waved, though not at her, but in his own direction. ‘ Do you want me to carve my heart and serve it to you? Will you know I mean it, then? Will you know you’re still fucking important to me? Will that be enough to make you happy? ‘ His voice wavered in decreasing steadiness the entire time.

Chest constricting with worry at the sudden revelation that Kabuto had found someone, Nonou quickly distracted herself by sipping on her (nauseatingly) cold tea. She knew exactly who Kabuto was talking about; Orochimaru, scourge of the Shinobi world and eccentric sage obsessed with his ideas of immortality. It wasn't exactly a well-kept secret, but of all people to choose, did it have to be her son? Still, perhaps it was better to feign ignorance and let Kabuto explain, then she subtly find a way to bring him to his senses. Didn't he remember Nonou telling him that he shouldn't play with snakes?

Instead, she smiled at him, and brushed aside some of the silvery hair that had been hanging in Kabuto's face. Caution was the rule when dealing with relationships you didn't approve of, especially if it involved someone with volatile emotions such as her son. The last thing she wanted was to provoke him into lashing out again. "Oh, you've met someone special? I'd like to know all about them. I'm sure they must be a great person if they have the privilege of dating you!" The response was cheerful, albeit somewhat forced. She hoped her son couldn't sense that, but with his extensive training in gathering intelligence, Kabuto would probably see right through her.

Perhaps the best course of action was to change the subject? Nonou removed her tear-stained glasses, cleaning them. "Finding you in the mountains is the last thing I regret, Kabuto. I don't want a memory of the past, I want the son who had the patience to sit here with me and listen to all of my secrets. You haven't changed as much as you think. Nevertheless, I'd like to know more about you, and the person you've become."

Then, she gazed wistfully at the floor, wondering if Kabuto would be honest with her; not that she had any right to pry into the mind of such a closed-off boy, but still; no matter who he was, or what he had done, Nonou would always be there for him. She had no choice, he was the only thing she had left.

Well, wasn’t he still the asshole, then? She tried her best, she wanted to make up for the things she’d been roped into. Whereas he lived in his sin each day with frighteningly little remorse for what was inflicted, only pity for himself. It was pretty pathetic in hindsight. But there was one key element that separated them and he knew it – no matter how much regret he harbored, how much he loathed the lifestyle, he wouldn’t abandon the person he loved. The only person who had been there for him in those long ten years. And he felt like he should explain this, to make an effort at saving his image in her eyes. 

There was silence between them for a moment. Her face being close enough that even without the round frames he could make out features clearly, teary, olive eyes looking back at him. Pleading with him for anything more than what he gave. For forgiveness, redemption, a shred of hope to cling to. It was the weight of the world settled on his shoulders. 

‘ I guess I can see why. It sounds like you..understand. To a point. ‘ The last three words were added with a heavy sigh. ‘ You shouldn’t…blame yourself, so much. It’s not like it’s all your fault. I grew up enough that I could have changed, I became strong enough that I could have gone out on my own, but – ‘ God, how the hell to even begin explaining that. It was clear he held something back, words quickly withdrawn and replaced with, ‘ I have, someone I care about there. I can’t, really..” He didn’t even want to give a pronoun, jesus fucking christ. This wasn’t the dilemma he wanted to deal with. 

He gave another huff, lowering his gaze. ‘ I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry all of this happened because you had the misfortune of finding me. I’m sorry that wide-eyed child is dead and I don’t know how to bring him back for you. Instead you’re stuck with me. ‘

It was the closest he could come to an honest admission. What was he supposed to say? Divulge what horrendous things he’d been up to in her absence? Unwind years of trauma carefully packed into a too-small box that he would much rather leave under the bed? It wasn’t as though she didn’t deserve to know, but perhaps that would be too much for her right now. And for him. 

“Don’t get up, you’ll make it worse.”

Rubbing the last vestiges of unconsciousness from her eyes, Nonou glanced at the figure who intruded on her prayer vigil, which had been perpetual ever since she arrived at the Hidden Sound village. She weakly tried to stand; throat parched from lengthened dehydration, but was ordered to remain where she was instead. Kabuto had found her collapsed on the floor, rosary wound tightly around her fingers, and faint bruises on her legs from doing her own twisted form of penance. Didn't he understand that interrupting her prayer cycle would surely prevent God from giving her the blessings she had spent days pleading for?Instead of understanding the extent of her scruples, Kabuto would instead tell her that she spent too much time in the chapel Orochimaru had been generous enough to have constructed for her. He would lecture her about the unhealthy nature of her habits in that calm, condescending tone of his, and then insist on carrying her back to her rooms and looking after her. Despite typically having a cold demeanor, Kabuto still played the role of a dutiful son.This was becoming too much for Nonou to handle, however, and to have your child take care of you was it's own particular brand of humiliation. How could she even call herself a mother when her son tended to her as if she was an invalid. Old, familiar defense mechanisms reared their ugly, and if one didn't want to deal with a problem then the only option left was to deflect and change the subject to something equally humiliating for the other party."I'm well aware of what you're going to say, but if we're going to discuss what's healthy, and what's not, then I think sleeping with that strange *boyfriend* of yours in the library when both of you think no one is watching is very unhealthy. Is nothing sacred to you? I would like to be able read in peace without the risk of finding something that makes me regret being human!"

Nonou released Kabuto's wrist with a sigh, returning her gaze back to her tea, which was now cold and no longer worth drinking. What had she expected from the son she had ignored for ten years? Had she really thought he would be awaiting her; arms wide open and a gentle smile on his face? Here she was, the prodigal mother, but life never quite seemed to mimic the Bible stories she had been taught; here was yet another example that her religion didn't hold all of the answers. Kabuto didn't hate her; a small drop of relief had fallen upon her arid soul when he told her that, but he wasn't sure if he still loved her either. She wanted to tell him that just because she had been his mother didn't mean she was perfect; not that he would ever let her think that ever again; and that his lack of unconditional love hurt more than any corporeal wounds he had ever inflicted.

"I haven't had time to process the memories you've carried around with you for years; my entire worldview just shattered moments ago, and I can no longer bear the thought of you looking at me with those cold eyes of yours. I'm trying desperately to be here for you right now, Kabuto; trying to heal you because I am your mother and I want to protect you. Please recognize that everything I've done has been out of love for you, even though you may not understand it..."

Overcome with grief; blinded by desperation; Nonou flung herself at Kabuto, wrapping her arms around him, and burying her face into the warmth of his shoulder. Everything about his reactions stated that he wished to be anywhere but here, away from her. In her fragile state of mind, if she had let Kabuto leave, she wouldn't be there in the future. Nonou couldn't tell him that, otherwise she'd risk provoking the rage he harbored within him. Tears trickled down her cheeks, and she prayed to the God who no longer seemed to care for her that Kabuto wouldn't notice, because at this point he would only see her as pathetic.

"We've both left fragments of ourselves behind that night; we're one and the same. I'm just like you; more of nothingness than you will ever be. And... I- I, I'll always love you, and you'll always be my son, even if you never love me again. Just please... Be here with me now. I'll never ask anything of you again. Please..."

 ‘ You don’t have to lecture me about how sad and tragic your fucking life is, I get it, trust me. But don’t fucking guilt me about it. If I didn’t get the luxury of dying, why should you? ‘ 

He was cold again, as though calmed so she could take a turn to snap at him. It wasn’t fair in his mind that she should get shout all of these things at him, everything he knows so well already about himself, everything she feels that he’d already felt a hundred times over. To have it shoved back in his face that as soon as she left his life he went back to being a shadow parading around in the sole artifact remaining from his childhood. Now he wanted to rip the frames from his face and shatter them again – as he’d done the first time he returned with the knowledge of her survival. This time he wouldn’t have Orochimaru to mend them if he did. 

It ached and he was growing tired at a rapid pace. He wanted this entire conversation wiped from his memory, he wanted to go home and curl up in bed and listen to his boyfriend talk until he fell asleep, he wanted to go back to a normalcy where he could ignore what remained the foundation of his person. 

He didn’t move from her grasp, but still went on with far less elegance. ‘ I don’t even know what to tell you, anymore. It’s not like I can fucking forgive you for just springing this all on me but I don’t – ‘ he cut himself off with a sigh, looking away to continue, ‘ I don’t, hate you. I don’t fucking know how I feel about you right now. You just need to get it through your skull that I’m not going to be your fucking scapegoat so you don’t have to deal with this. I had to grow up thinking I killed my own mother, I should think that you, a grown fucking woman, could figure out where to go from here without making my life any more miserable. ‘

Part of him wanted to leave at that point, to tell her she needed to get her shit together before they tried to talk again, but he wasn’t sure if he would see her again if that was the case. And he couldn’t decide if that was something he wanted, or not.