On Identity - Tumblr Posts

goethe faust \ leo gestel herfst [”autumn”] (1909)

kofi

my personality is so manufactured. i own none of it. my handwriting comes from the girl i sat next to in fourth grade, my sense of humor comes from my best friend in third grade, the way i sit comes from the lead character in a movie i once watched, the way i type comes from one of my classmates in sixth grade…. am i not allowed to have something to myself? am i not allowed to be someone?

Baie | she/they | unlabled | minor

— currently listening to: 'who we are' by hozier and 'hate to be lame' by lizzy mcalpine feat. finneas

— currently reading: 'hamlet' by william shakespeare

hello :> welcome to my little blog! I mainly just reblog things that i love or that resonate with me. Otherwise i’m talking about current reads or school. i’ve kinda got my foot in the door of studyblr and bookblr.

about me: australian!! 2006. lover of love and life. infj 4w5 unlabeled and very much in love <3. chaotic good! and recently chronically ill. rediscovering and building my faith :)

academia: graduating class of '23. atar + headstartx2, [english, general math, legal studies, psychology, chemistry] I love learning languages!! currently self-teaching japanese [mother tongue is english, small talk in japanese, very minimal french and korean]

the goal: double bachelor of criminology and criminal justice + psychological science

fandoms here! they don't have huge relevance here, but i love them dearly <3

sherlock!! acd and bbc (currently consuming all other adaptations like a starving victorian child)

rwby!! yes my favourite character is qrow, moving on.

bts!! army since 2018, bias: v :)

bee and puppycat!! seriously in love

the osemanverse!! esp loveless, radio silence <3 and ofc heartstopper

arcane!! obsessed.

monster high!! grew up on gen1 :)

it's honestly kinda hard to think about these off the top of my head ngl

now books!! favourites that have stuck with me :>

the midnight library by matt haig good 4 the soul

the inheritance games by jennifer lynn barnes NEWBOOKSOON!!

i fell in love with hope by lancali

song of achilles by madeline miller no elaboration needed.

embassy row series by ally carter reread too many times

hamlet by william shakespeare

sparrow by sarah moon beautiful

⇢ i love you whoever you are, and i'm always here for you :)

thank you for reading all this &lt;3

Source: cafekitsune

It's funny how we are all copying people to fit in meaning none of us fit and we just picked someone who pretended the best. Who knows maybe they are copying you?

Ruth Madievsky, All-Night Pharmacy

Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

TRYING TO SOLVE MY IDENTITY LIKE A HOMICIDE, TO FIND THE MURDERER IN THE MIRROR; ON IDENTITY

portrait of fryderyk in shifting light, richard siken // @/angelcommunist // Edward hopper interior, model reading (1925) // joan didion on self-respect (via @/girlfictions) // james tate selected poems (via @/heartshop) //arturo ferrari, in the old street, vicolo san bernardino alle ossa a milano // fernando pessoa, the book of disquiet: the complete edition // memento mori by welder wings // How we Fight for our Lives by Saeed Jones (2019) // The Prisoner, Emily Brontë // Evening - Maurice Pirenne // Emily Dickinson, letter 182 // Donte Collins, Grief, Again // Mahmoud Darwish, Memory for Forgetfulness // Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019) // Everything Everything, Nicola Yoon

my first web weave :>

trying to solve my identity like a homicide, to find the murderer in the mirror. 

my college essay i wrote about queer religious trauma

- @/finchmoment on tiktok

Growing up religious, the realization of your own queerness is also the realization of a betrayal. It will be argued two ways- either you are betraying God, or He is betraying you. Either way, you lose. When you are both the Betrayer of God and the Betrayed by God, you will, inevitably, become the Exiled too.  Is it my fault? When Judas only played the cards he was dealt, is he really to blame? Is there something we could have done, something to change the course of time, to write ourselves out of condemnation? And would we have done it, if there was? I was young when I was eviscerated. Foolish, too.  To this day, I still don't know why I expected things to be any different. I was raised this way, after all. I was raised knowing queer was a synonym for wrong, knowing gay was a synonym for sin. And still, when I realized that I was a synonym for all those things too, my entire world fell away from me. Daughter turned disappointment. Classmate turned outcast. Friend turned disgrace. Human turned abomination. I found myself alone, not for the first time, but for the longest time. Nothing would ever be the same, and I have spent my life since reeling with it. The church will argue that I betrayed God and I won't disagree with them. It's true- that I was His once. That I made promises to Him I couldn't keep. That I swore my life to someone I would later abandon. But it is also true that I am human, and I am small, and by saying I betrayed God you are either handing me supernatural power or shrinking God down and admitting to His weakness, admitting to His fallibility. Maybe those are the same thing.  If at the end of my life I am wrong about my beliefs, I hope He is as merciful and forgiving as they say. Because I tried. Because I spent my childhood trying. Because I need those years to matter. God, I am sorry for growing weary and giving up. I am sorry for pulling away and choosing myself, my little life. Call that betrayal if you will. In The Last Days of Judas Iscariot, Judas asks, "Why... didn't you make me good enough... so that you could've loved me?" I see myself in him, then.  I've never understood how it was fair. Being born this way, having no say in the matter, doomed from the start. If God truly is omniscient, if He truly cares about his creation, then why were my pleas for redemption met with a deafening silence? Why did God make me so unrighteous that He could not bear to be in my presence? Isn't that betrayal? Promising everything, ripping it away? Why did He choose Judas for the role of the traitor? Why did he choose me for the role of the pariah? Why weren’t we good enough? I have been reborn since. Not in the way of a baptism, but in the way of a phoenix. Deconstructing your religion will turn your anger biblical. It will send everyone running and leave you standing alone, spark turned flame, burning yourself and everything familiar to the ground. You will be alone, smoking, until your body returns to the dust from which humanity was made. It will be up to you to recreate yourself, then. To craft your bones from the wreckage. To make a clay to smooth on like skin. In the church, a burning is a death. But wasn't hellfire always my fate? Here's the Truth— the fiery furnace is the ultimate act of faith. Faith not in Him, but in me. I am reborn in these flames. Belonging to no one, owing Him nothing. Yes, I was His once. But I am Mine now.

nowadays, words are absconding. my tongue runs and runs and runs but never quite catches up to my heart. waves push and pull. i try to be in my bones but get lost down my veins. my teeth aren’t here.