Gay Speedo - Tumblr Posts

Brad and Chris admired their neighbor Luke for so many reasons, but mostly because he was super low maintenance. Mostly.

Chris was on overload. First, florals for men’s winter swimwear. That could take two years to unwind. Second, no one was at the beach. Like no one. Vacancy always problematic. Third.....well, he couldn’t remember. That’s when Brad interjected & said Chris should consider auditioning 4 headache commercials.

No one liked Luke’s new boyfriend Mark. He claimed he didn’t own a speedo & his out of control beard felt more than suspicious. Mark’s antics were ruining Eqypt. What was the point of traveling 1000s of miles if they couldn’t enjoy the bounties of the river?

Chris gave the relationship two, maybe three days. They’d all be home by then. Brad asked Chris if maybe Mark was in chastity. Luke’s ‘lost” the keys before making his boy’s act all strange. Chris said that was unlikely. Mark used excessive punctuation in his text messages and was 22.

After reviewing conversations with Mark on both of their phones, Brad enacted a plan to strategically ‘bump’ into Mark from behind to cup a feel for a belt. While the first attempt yielded nothing, a second and much slower go from the back dictated evidence that Chris was indeed correct. Unexpected, Luke was likely versatile.

When Brad and Chris asked Luke about playing multiple fields he replied ‘no’ then motioned to the water around them. Brad said Captain Obvious couldn’t touch that with a 6 foot pole. Chris then told Brad he could touch his pole. Just like that, Luke was back on top. Then Mark walked in wearing a speedo.

Enlightenment wasn’t what anyone expected. You could see everything, and oddly it took nothing away.

Something was up. Chris just knew these things.

Gustavio seemed a little full of himself. Neither Brad or Chris ever wore a watch. They didn’t have a tv nor felt it necessary to make weather people feel insecure about their jobs more than they already were. They did haute coture runway just as well if not better. So what if they were from America.

While Brad and Chris gallented in greener pastures, Gustavio furiously ran every red light. Admittedly, a feat in itself on an island without a single traffic signal. Now why did we start talking about this goon?

Oh yeah. He’s like REALLY HOT. Allegedly also a person just like us, Brad and Chris. Don't worry. We hold our doubts about us too. Namely who’s who. We can't tell ourselves. That’s how we know somethings real. Whut exactly is real TBD. TBA or just the T. Sometimes Y.

Whatev. Just horny right now. HEY. Who's THIS GUY?!?! He is... UGGHHH! Gustavio.

How the hell do eyes have corners anyway? Can we just NOT?!

Brad’s speedo was once again money. Wasn’t there something he was supposed to loathe about that? Recycled fashion was redundant. Or was it reductive? Damn that Lady Gaga. Her relevance antics kept throwing Brad off. Tea sounded nice. “Yes. Raspberry beret. Thank u.”

It was curtains for Chris. He barely outbid Brad at the Lambda Legal auction for the historic window trimmings. To think a piece from the original Golden Girls set was set right over his piece really something else.

What ‘did it all’ mean? Was it every position? Every person? Was it even related to sex?!? Was there anything that wasn’t? Chris began to wonder if he might just be too low maintenance.

WHA?!

“Before u say anything Brad. Maybe it wasn’t comfortable visually or physically, but it’s where I sat down 2 check messages.

So what if our closet threw up on me. Maybe it’s that much skinnier. Why did anyone care anyway? I am the one going through this. No one else is wearing curtains or sitting on the side of the tub.

I mean I’m technically GORGEOUS & this STILL looks ugly. I thought that to be impossible myself.

So guess what Brad?!? Yes. Me. Chris Christianson was wrong. R u happy now?!”

Brad politely nodded and closed the door. “THAT was Chris’ last name?!? Hmmmm.” Well, Brad was not taking that in marriage.

Brad knew the second his hands touched his coife, he’d inadvertedy knocked his stellar Jill Biden scrunchy right off his head. Dang. That’s a redo.

Chris was always prepared 4 his budding Instant Shower Cam cam audience.

Chris felt fat. Maybe he was on organic overload. Until he was sure, eggs were officially back in the ‘bad’ court along with all the other flip flop foods.

Chris then wondered if eggs were included in the ban on thongs at the beach. Eggs were not explicitly mentioned on the sign. Then again, in this time and age ANYTHING could b explicit. U can’t even sneeze!

..Wait! Was THAT Y Chris felt fat?!? Looking back, Chris hadn’t sneezed once during the whole pandemic. He wasn’t like Brad who snotted every time he laughed really hard.

Ok. He’d def text Brad to c if FTD delivered. First, he needed 2 ask Siri if there were still enough bees 2 make flowers.

On the last day of vacation, Luke found himself exhausticated at the hotel pool while the others went for breakfast. Food failed to make the radar with a drink still in hand. Luke had been up all night partaking in the shockingly raunchy but downright historical five way all nighter w/his ex, Brad and Chris and that gorgeous waiter. Yum. Who knew someone so beautiful could be so dirty?

...Well, all of them actually. That’s why it worked.

Gazing down toward the pool in a haze of reminiscence, a wave of putrid knocked Luke's drink into focus. Forced to look at it, Luke went razor sharp In the fog. It BETTER be OJ in that gad dang MAN-MOSA Brad made.

A chill then another icky wave passed through Luke. It definitely wasn’t OJ. Still, it wasn’t enough to motivate Luke to stand up.

Wow. Either Luke was really exhausted or far more filthy that he thought. A closer look revealed both to be true. But how true?

We’ll likely grapefruit true, but Luke would need to wade through containers of empty juice boxes to be 100% certain. That wasn’t going to happen given housekeeping already finished cleaning the room.

To investigate his boudoir tendencies tho, Luke would need to have more sex. Luckily he was fit, still legally drunk and wearing a speedo. Unlike housekeeping, all rang super helpful. Luke just needed to trade in this Man-mosa for a Bloody Mary, and he could start the reconnaissance right away.

Staring at his glass, Luke was struck with thought. Until this very moment, it never occurred to Luke gratitude could get him laid. He also thought to dump his drink on the grass as it could grow back. Whatever was in this manmosa would likely eat through the lining of the pool, and he needed his deposit back to pay his share for gas for the trip home.

.

MANmosa

Brad and Chris were SOOOO over the reflective lighting. 8 PA’s holding those silvery things seemed excessive.

Chris said even Slim Shady didn’t stand a chance here. Brad had two M&M’s melt in his hand. That’s when Brad asked Chris if M&M’s came in black and white.

The director, Shirley, cut in immediately. “Brad. They DON’T. Why don’t u go wash your hands OK?”

(Talking to herself) GOOD LORD.

“Ok. Take five people. Brad’s washing his hands…. With soap. You hear me Brad?!? One solid minute WITH SOAP. Will someone ensure he gets Siri on the timer…. Please.”

Shirley would ask for a raise that afternoon.

Brad and Chris’ neighbor Becky came over to help the boys figure out who was who after an impromptu ‘who wore it best’ competition went to round two. Well, probably three… Or was that the number of margaritas they had? If so, it might be four but likely five. Do shots count? That’s when either Brad or Chris said he thought they both looked like a 10.

The drunken bantor ended abruptly when Becky announced she’d be back in the morning if they still didn’t know who was who. Right now it really didn’t matter.

Becky then boldly poured herself two brimming margaritas, each with a heavy lining of salt at the rim and lushly garnished with fresh cut limes. She bid the two gentleman ‘good evening’ then walked herself out the door stating to the world she was “not apologizing for it!”

Woah. Becky was on it.

Well then, Brad and Chris might actually like her. That was going to be confusing.

Chris wasn’t sure exactly what happened but he knew is left cheek was sore. Or was it the right? Why wouldn’t this pain just go away?!

Ohhh Ouch. There it was again.

Well, that ruled out ‘left.’

Brad and Chris each suffered from a massive case of prune hands waiting for the lava flow to cool. Big Island. Big doozy. The Front Desk would hear about this after they got a local recommendation for Hawaiian BBQ. Now where were their flip flops?

Of course he got lucky.

“Please… who does not know how to knock on wood? Gustavio, me, I am the expert. People knew this. Come on. What a silly question to say. That is like asking me if I wanted a cigarette, eh? Maybe a light I might need. I don’t know until the time. As for the wood, I am the Master. Just ask Miss Stewart.”

Gustavio then paused to knock on the massive oak desk he casually graced his lean upon. “I knock. That’s what I do. When it is really good, I knock twice. That’s how you know.”