Fucking Why - Tumblr Posts
joined in the idol train and honestly this can go both ways, both link and sidon are number 1 fan of each other ;;
A particularly troubling symptom at this juncture
I had a nice Christmas with my mother’s side of the family. Good food and everyone was very sweet to one another. We played cards, and laughed. It’s was lovely. I didn’t think about him for a moment.
And now I feel awful. I can’t really explain why.
I expect the flashbacks, the triggers, and the horrible memories. I expect to feel bad when it makes sense to feel bad.
Why does the good have to be ruined too?
d)
“I’m glad you haven’t completely lost your head.”
Stated after I mentioned I spent NYE watching HP with my mother, and far away from the types of things most people partake in - drinks, food, dancing, singing, midnight kisses, etc.
He’s going back on some parts of our separation agreement, so I have been looking for texts in case I need to submit evidence. It’s not relevant to our agreement, but I found this.
Context: I told him that I was going to be participating in my local Take Back the Night event. I was raped when I was 19, so it is close to my heart.
He sent me this message after kicking me out of the house again after I visited him. It happened a lot. My memories can be foggy at times so I am not completely certain why I was vacated this time. However an educated guess is it was one of the times I protested him telling other people about my assault. He used it to garner sympathy from the girls he wanted to sleep with - I was a monster and this was one of the reasons. He wanted so much to help me, but I was a lost cause.
With the event so close, the feelings were raw. I may have gotten a bit sassy. I told him it wasn’t his story to tell. So he’d shove me violently toward the door and tell me to “Leave!!” Then proceed to spam me with hate for the following hour.
I haven’t had one of these nights for a while now. But reading this again punched me in the gut. The worst part is, later on in the conversation I excuse him because I knew he “only denied [or doubted that I was raped] when [he] was really hurt.”
This one hurt really bad then; I remember driving home and being worried I’d crash my car because I couldn’t see through my tears. Or my misery. I’m ashamed that it still hurts now.
Two calls from him today.
Didn’t answer.
Bad day
I have had waves of sympathy for him today. I don’t want it, but it’s happening. I feel guilty and sad. And I miss him. I just want to make him food and make sure he’s ok.
In case you are worried, that’s not going to happen. It’s just on my mind.
Say g’bye to sleep this week.
He contacted one of my friends today.
I haven’t gotten back to him about the tax document yet (yeah, I procrastinated/avoided/ whatever you want to call it). He messaged one of the few friends of mine that he was fairly well acquainted with.
She doesn’t know about the abuse. I really do adore her, but she lives out of town and talking about it never seemed like the right time. Plus, she’s a confident, successful, strong and I really admire her; I’ll admit that I can feel intimidated by her, and I’m not sure she’d understand.
Though I believe she understands him a little more after his escapade tonight.
Words matter to him. She told him that I wasn’t responding because this was a busy time of year for me and because I was “moving on.”
We all knew where this was going.
So, being reasonable, she told him to mail it to me. He responded that he’s going to drop it off. Can’t wait to see him at the door. :D
Did you know that he had the nerve to tell her that he was worried about me?
Flashbacks
But not the kind you expect.
Where one minute I'm laughing at some stupid thing on my phone and then I see his face. He's looking at me the way he does when he's made me laugh so hard I can't breathe. In that second i see all the love; it's real and I am vindicated. I forgive him for calling me a cunt yesterday. This feels like happiness, I think.
All I want is to go back there. To that moment. Instead I'm sitting here slumped over my steering wheel.
I still feel guilt for telling him "forever" and not sticking to it.
I have a painful observation about Peggysous and AOS S7.
In Agent Carter 2x03, we see from the newspaper in the Council room that the episode takes place on July 15 1947.
Based on the plot, we can infer that the S2 finale, 2x10, takes place about a week out from 2x03.
In Agents of SHIELD 7x04, we learn that Daniel’s ‘death’ date is July 22 1955.
In other words, Daniel ‘dies’ in 1955 close to, if not on, the anniversary of his and Peggy’s first kiss.