Hes Going Back On Some Parts Of Our Separation Agreement, So I Have Been Looking For Texts In Case I

He’s going back on some parts of our separation agreement, so I have been looking for texts in case I need to submit evidence. It’s not relevant to our  agreement, but I found this.

Context:  I told him that I was going to be participating in my local Take Back the Night event. I was raped when I was 19, so it is close to my heart.

He sent me this message after kicking me out of the house again after I visited him. It happened a lot.  My memories can be foggy at times so I am not completely certain why I was vacated this time.  However an educated guess is it was one of the times I protested him telling other people about my assault. He used it to garner sympathy from the girls he wanted to sleep with - I was a monster and this was one of the reasons.  He wanted so much to help me, but I was a lost cause.  

With the event so close, the feelings were raw. I may have gotten a bit sassy.  I told him it wasn’t his story to tell.   So he’d shove me violently toward the door and tell me to “Leave!!”  Then proceed to spam me with hate for the following hour.

I haven’t had one of these nights for a while now.  But reading this again punched me in the gut.  The worst part is, later on in the conversation I excuse him because I knew he “only denied [or doubted that I was raped] when [he] was really hurt.”

This one hurt really bad then; I remember driving home and being worried I’d crash my car because I couldn’t see through my tears. Or my misery. I’m ashamed that it still hurts now.

It INFURIATES me that his words still make me cry this hard. 

This worries me.

I can’t tell if I don’t like kissing in general or if I just don’t like kissing him.

Hazard of being with someone who crushes you every day of your entire adult life.

Well.  That’s alarming.

I used to try to tell him stories about things that happened to me.  He would often roll his eyes while I was talking, sigh, and move his hand in a circular motion to say “get to the point, already.”

So I stopped trying.  And I became the thing he talked at instead.

My personality began to melt away, and I walked into social situations believing I had nothing interesting to say.  I retreated further in my head.

Later, one of his grievances with me was that I was never forthcoming, and he knew so little about my life.

Flashback

I have an astonishingly clear memory of one of the days where I went to help him rebuild the basement. I stood at the top of the stairs much longer than usual. I was willing myself to go down.

I did so by telling myself I was okay with the prospect of never coming back up.