Broken Toy - Tumblr Posts

I still feel guilt for telling him "forever" and not sticking to it.

I am ashamed that i am inches away from contacting him today.

Seven Months

Since I've had sex. This is the longest I've gone by far since I started when I was 15.

I have a very complicated relationship with sex, and I don't know if I'm prepared to write on it just yet. However I can say that he made so many things worse: shame, humiliation, and ridicule - among other things.

I was certain, back in October when we first ceased contact, that I would never have sex again.

I am not ready, but I am certain now, that I don't want that to be true.

One day, when i know myself and I trust myself, I will let someone touch me again.

I have entered a loose “thing” with a woman.  And it has served to highlight that I am a fucking basket case.

Should probably stick to the whole dying alone plan.

I got the "overwhelmed with work" text.

C'est tout.

One day I will find a good one. And then I will chase them away with my crazy.

Hah.

when you can sense a Mood incoming and feel like a farmer standing in a field looking out at the horizon as the storm approaches like “looks like it’s gonna be a bad one, boys”

... as skinny feels.

TW - ED, self harm 

I’ve had part of this drafted since I wrote part one.  I’ve come to the conclusion  this left more scars than I was inclined to admit.

Quick catch up: He exacerbated an already problematic cognitive pathway in my brain and exploited it to manipulate me.  In short (and very simplified): Bad Thing Happened means Pain = penance = possible redemption.

So I found interesting ways to punish myself that wouldn’t raise flags.  Severely limiting my calorie intake was perfect: it made him shame me less and caused discomfort to punish myself for things that I was doing at the time (ie, cheating)

I am still struggling with the idea that I had an eating disorder;  the narratives I’ve read don’t appear to apply to me. But some things definitely match.  I have some form of dysmorphia, for example.  I have never been diagnosed.  But I can’t look at pictures of myself without cringing, and my self body image is definitely distorted.  

I got very thin. I dropped down to a point that was unhealthy. I never weighed myself because I didn’t have a scale.  But things stuck out.  Yet still, I felt there were things that required shaving off.

He loved me that thin.  Couldn’t get enough of me. But he wasn’t the only one.

I never received so many compliments as I did when I was literally in the throws of some of the most self destructive shit I’ve ever done.  For months, my daily intake was 500 calories a day or less . I went a few whole days without eating anything and was so proud of myself when I got into bed those nights.

The whole experience was extremely disturbing looking back on it.  I refused to eat outside of 11am and 3pm.  I was obsessed with food - I still know the calories in almost everything I eat. And if I don’t, I still check. My muscles always hurt. I was always cold, sometimes shaking, and always thinking about the next meal.  I got dizzy easily, and giddy delirious.  In my head, these side effects were great - a free high.

I don’t know why I stopped, but it was always temporary in my head. I felt like if I just reached the sweet spot with a perfect 6 pack that he would be nicer.  That he would treat me like he loved me.

After he had kicked me out and I had commenced with therapy I told him that I talked to my therapist about it.  He told me two things that night: 

That I made him look really bad because he didn’t notice that his spouse was struggling with an eating disorder, and, a few hours later 

that he and I always ate dinner together (lie, he was on afternoons and had dinner when he got home at 11pm or midnight, see the Hours of Acceptable Eating above) and I always eat a lot.  So this was a figment of my imagination and I was a liar.

Not only did it never happen, I took the opportunity to, once again, smear his character.  That night ended in violence.

She’s dating someone else.  It’s Facebook Offish.

I’m not heartbroken, but I’ve been annoyed about it for about 15 minutes. 

If there is one positive thing I can say about leaving a totally horrible relationship it would be that it puts other things like this into perspective. 

One day I will find a good one. And then I will chase them away with my crazy.

Baaahaha.

What doesn’t kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.

My woman is worried about me. Apparently I've slipped down into another hole. That's unusual for the summer months. But here we are.

I have to wonder where I would be if he hadn't wrecked havoc on me physically and mentally. I wonder how much of my brain scramble was mine to begin with