Flashbacks

Flashbacks

But not the kind you expect.

Where one minute I'm laughing at some stupid thing on my phone and then I see his face. He's looking at me the way he does when he's made me laugh so hard I can't breathe. In that second i see all the love; it's real and I am vindicated. I forgive him for calling me a cunt yesterday. This feels like happiness, I think.

All I want is to go back there. To that moment. Instead I'm sitting here slumped over my steering wheel.

I have been asked a few times by well meaning people if I'm dating. The answer is no.

Mostly, I need to piece myself back together. Heal so I can feel confident in my judgement and ability to guard my heart.

However, there is another consideration: when the time comes ( or if the time comes - just being realistic) I would like to be a good partner.

The last thing anyone would need would be for me to turn into a cornered, wounded animal over a minor argument.

I don't want to hurt anyone. Least of all in the ways that I have been hurt.

I knew it was abuse when I would silently panic at the sound of his car pulling in the driveway.

_______________

send me the thing or things that made you realize it was abuse

IT WAS THAT BAD

When we were working on the basement last summer, he got some concrete work done. So there was  some time where the floor in the basement was all broken up.  He told me if I kept upsetting him he’d bury my body there and cover me up with concrete.  

No one would ever know.

I’ve been struggling.  He left me without a personality and scrutinizing each thought in my head. I don’t know who I am, and I have no faith in my abilities.

I keep trying to pull myself together, but some days it feels like there’s not much to salvage.