Unlearning - Tumblr Posts
Venting
I have a lotta thoughts. I guess I've always been rather emotional. I find it hard to make friends. I find it rather hard to just wake up and get out of bed. I've worried about people's perception of me for years, even though I'm a nobody. I feel like a bad friend because I don't always respond and then it feels awkward after awhile. I tried therapy but it didn't work.
It took me many years, but I'm starting to seriously question everything. My identity. I'm not a Christian conservative like my stupid family. I don't think I should harbor hated towards people I don't even know. I think I want to keep a clear, open mind. I'm afraid of stepping out there. Even though I'm a no-one I have worried that I'd get canceled or something. I don't want to be hated like that one time when I was 12. I want to reach out for help but I worry about burdening people. How does one live? I still don't know what I want to do with my life. We live in a capitalistic system, so you know...
I hate my father for being a shitty dad. Ever since he's been fired he's just been more and more controlling over our lives. He always yells at everyone and makes mom cry. I hate not knowing if he's going to be nice to me or if he's going to betray my trust again. I hate wondering if I'm overreacting or if it's all in my head. I hate that he always asks me for stuff as if he hasn't been traumatizing us for our whole lives.
I hate being unable to fully articulate my thoughts. I hate being dependant on people. I hate not knowing everything. I hate being in this family.
I know it's now the worst possible thing ever. But I can't help but resent this guy. He's emotionally distant. His presence is like a hazy fog in a dream. He always uses the Internet laughing, spreading stupid memes on facebook, yelling at people over the smallest of things, spreading conspiracy theories, being a horrible father.
He wants me to trust him but he doesn't trust me. Why would a I trust the guy who's hurt everyone in his family in some way?
I have been asked a few times by well meaning people if I'm dating. The answer is no.
Mostly, I need to piece myself back together. Heal so I can feel confident in my judgement and ability to guard my heart.
However, there is another consideration: when the time comes ( or if the time comes - just being realistic) I would like to be a good partner.
The last thing anyone would need would be for me to turn into a cornered, wounded animal over a minor argument.
I don't want to hurt anyone. Least of all in the ways that I have been hurt.
Unlearning
I was driving around seeing clients yesterday for about 6 hours. I'd only had a bagel for breakfast and it was nearing 6pm. I was pretty hungry.
I stopped for food, and I felt really bad about it. I confessed to my partner that I'd stopped, expecting her to agree with my assessment that it was financially irresponsible.
She didn't. Naturally. Because eating is not a luxury, and it's worth the $17.
This goes for everything you believe in. Your idea of gender, race, the state, the system. Your ideas of the family structure, your very next action, society, authority. Is this what’s *your* truth? The only truth? Or are you imposing your truths as a universal truth as the sole model for all? Your religion and your idea of god, may be just a belief.
Something made based on your wants, comforts, that imposes a doctrine that oppresses another’s life? Restricts their ability to be who they are? Imagine the amount of ppl who’ve suffered and have been tortured and killed based on these “absolute truths” imposed on society? I don’t just mean the religions, I mean all of it. Your truths, your beliefs, are your responsibilities, as well. Whether you “believe it” or not.
“In patriarchal culture, all males learn a role that restricts and confines. When race and class enter the picture, along with patriarchy, then black males endure the worst impositions of gendered masculine patriarchal identity.” — bell hooks
“The film lays bare the corrupting and contaminating terrain of masculinity — its toxicities, its brutalities, its unrelenting banality… The depth and texture of [Chiron’s] life was stolen by the insistence of homophobia and the mask of an almost suffocating masculinity.” — LaLi Mohamed
real life 🫀
Hear hear! To heavily paraphrase Sir Laurence Olivier: “My dear, why don’t you try directly, honestly, and kindly COMMUNICATING? It’s so much easier.”
Well, not for everyone, clearly.
I imagine people can flounder about and fail at this—even with the best of intentions—bc of their upbringing, bc of how communication was modeled for them as kidlins, bc of learned attachment styles, bc they were steeped in guess culture vs ask culture, bc “this is the way we’ve always done it”, bc they simply have blinders on, bc deep programming is deep. That doesn’t make it ok, but I get it.
Ask me how I know 👀💜
are you ever like damn why is literally everyone else scared of openly communicating and being direct and truthful and honest