Sarcasmfordessert - Yeah. - Tumblr Blog

my guide to solving your problems for like a lil bit:

if you are ever feeling upset about anything, EVER, dress up like ur going clubbing and dance to pony or candy shop or sexyback in the dark like you’re on magic mike

it changes something in your blood

OR

put on a dress that makes u feel floaty and spin around to fairy music. if you don’t want to wear a dress/do not have a dress that’s ok wear anything that gives fae vibes

close ur eyes and pretend ur in a field or forest (or better yet if a field is accessible GO TO A FIELD OR FOREST)

OR

put on sweatpants and a baseball cap (put it on backwards) and a crop top (oversized band shirt also works) grab a hairbrush and sing eminem or no diggity or something along those lines

OR

put on a really big t shirt and shorts, put ur hair in like a messy pony tail (shake your head for extra messiness) and jump around ur room listening to old taylor swift. if you don’t have enough hair for a pony tail THAT’S OK THE PONYTAIL IS IN YOUR SOUL

all of these momentarily solve ur problems just with different vibes

can we just talk about Ship in a Bottle by fin for a quick sec?

like. it somehow perfectly captures the essence of standing on the deck of an 18th century pirate ship, fighting for the wheel while 16 foot waves crash over the deck, soaking it with seawater while your crew struggles to stay aboard.

^this would have the instrumental version of the song

and also the essence of running down a beach/through a field at 3am

^this would have the original version

and also the essence of driving super fast down an abandoned street in a ghost town

^the acoustic version maybe?

in any case, it’s a song that’s really good and gives me goosebumps whenever i listen to it.

sometimes it’s necessary to ruin your vocal chords screaming don’t blame me at the top of your lungs, ya know?

can one of y’all finish this post for me i’m

shout out to the girl who was screaming enchanted (taylor’s version) at the bus stop across my street: you really slayed that i hope you see this

drawing chairs for an assignment and I’ve been laugh crying for ten minutes this one looks drunk and i don’t know hOW

I MEANT 31 I PROMISE I KNEW THERE WERE 21 DAYS IN JANUARY PROBABLY I THINK

i was today years old when i found out that there are 21 days in january.

how did i find this out?

did i check a calendar? book something on that tuesday and figure it out?

nope.

the milk carton told me.

i was today years old when i found out that there are 21 days in january.

how did i find this out?

did i check a calendar? book something on that tuesday and figure it out?

nope.

the milk carton told me.

did this just happen to me please tell me i’m not alone

when you’re a kid with your family at like a park or in a hotel hallway or a parking lot or on the sidewalk and you have to stop and tie your shoelace so you say “wait wait wait hang on” and they slow down for 0.2 seconds and then keep walking and you’re struggling to balance on one leg like a drunk flamingo frantically tying your shoe as your family shrinks into the distance seemingly never to return

and then you tie your shoe and sprint to catch up with them and they’re like “what took you so long??”

i just thought “holly jollidays” and it sounded wrong but it took me 3 minutes to figure out what the problem was

if people’s accents disappear when they sing does that mean that there are people out there who think justin beiber has an accent?

this london drugs ad keeps showing up on my pinterest and every time i get absolutely so fuckignf confused because she looks like anne hathaway and why on earth would anne hathaway be doing london drugs commercials for veganuary why does her hair look like alice’s from the first twilight why is she side eyeing like that what is going on

why do teachers get mad at me when i come back to school ppl after being sick and don’t have my homework? like, first of all, bRENda, it is 9 am on a friday morning in january. i am not even alive yet, and you want me to speak french? second: i was home sick for the better part of a school week for a REASON. that reason? i was ILL and therefore unable to focus, stay awake, or stop myself from sniffling or blowing my nose or coughing. the whole reason i wasn’t at school was because i was unfit to be at school because learning would be hard in my current condition of brain fog and cold medicine haze. and you expect me to do the homework? in FRENCH? absolutely no. 1000000000000000000000% no. if i did do the homework it would be half incomprehensible and the half that was legible would probably be some crazy story about 2 vending machines that fall in love that looked like it was scrawled by a delirious person. and you want me to write in another language? ha! so no, brenda, i don’t have my french journal completed. and if you ask me to hand it in, i will stare into your soul until i find your insecurities and i will use them to pound you into a heap of red pen ink, pencil shavings, and ground caramel latte Keurig coffee grounds. i will end you.

buzzfeed asking the real questions

what is the meaning of this? is it asking if i’m a boy or a girl? is my crush a boy or a girl? i’m so confused buzzfeed what does this mean

gym bros are so weirdly wholesome i don’t know how to deal with them like one of them just missed a serve in volleyball and he was about to swear and i could see him building up to yell “FUCK” at the top of his lungs and then he hesitated and glanced at our teacher and she gave him a warning “don’t you dare kieran i will shave your middle part off, revert you to your middle school beanpole phase and suspend your gym membership for a month if you cuss” and he frantically swerved away from an f-bomb and instead stumbled his way through “FFFFfrick- frack snick snack- banana-split-chocolate…sundae” and then trailed off in confusion, but he said it at full volume and with such rage you would think he just found out his axe body spray scent was discontinued or he was out of protein powder or something and it was just so awkwardly wholesome and good to know that even the broiest of bros has respect for our gym teacher, who is 5”5, built like a dancer, and dwarfed by my whole class.

so i was talking to this guy i know and idk how but we got on the topic of flexibility and like gymnastics and he was like “bro i could never do that” and i was like “why” and he was like “because i’m about as flexible as an arthritic tortoise that’s why” and i just thought that was a really beautiful sentiment

why is the predetermined meeting place for like school fights the flagpole? it’s so out in the open. like if i was set to duel someone who had wronged me i wouldn’t want to meet them at the flagpole that’s lame no i will meet you one of three places:

the catwalks so we can have an epic battle similar to Jack Sparrow and Will Turner

center stage, so i can monologue like hamilton (i would use this when there was not a high chance of me winning so i could go out dramatically).

a random hallway so i could scream and scare a few teachers

the side entrance that’s is not dissimilar to an alley, so i could fight the bulls like a newsie

OR the window in front of the principals office so that we wouldn’t actually have to fight i hate confrontation

if you make a post and you don’t get the reaction you want, i have the perfect solution: create 57 different tumblr blogs and reply to your own post to make it feel like you have friends.

anyone else just like not seeing the point of homework or school or sports or anything else anymore? the world is going to shit. the ice caps are melting and the polar bears are dying and iran is just like indescribably disgusting right now and trump is probably gonna be president again next term and abortion rights are a Problem™️ right now and so are gay rights and women’s rights and systemic racism is still a problem and the worlds general mental state is probably not great and i have to write a french test tomorrow.

i feel like that’s fucked up.

what do we do if we meet non-tumblr people in the wild and we think they’re tumblr people and try and identify with them and they look at us like we’re crazy?

like some kid told me he liked my shoelaces (they are pretty cool they’re rainbow and have beads on them) and i just- “thanks i stole them from the president” and he gave me the weirdest, most confused “wtf is this girl talking about is she on crack” look and kind of scooted his chair back over to his desk.

like, how do we avoid looking insane?

ufno.

can someone finish this post because i’m

my life rotates between three things:

a random shitpost about, like, blues clues

one of those bizarre obama dream posts where obama comes to you in a dream and tells you your future or something

or it’s one of those deeply philosophical posts that uncover the secrets of the universe