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I need some help. My son was recently playing by a pond when a heron came out of nowhere and swallowed him whole right before my eyes. I live in Florida and I'm wondering what kind of heron it was. I also what to know if there is any way that my son might still be alive. If not, how can I find his remains? Please answer this as soon as possible.

Okay as a general preface here for all of my readers: Please do not raise a child in Florida. Something will eat them, eventually. It is the Way of Florida.

As to the meat of the question, there are three main birds in Florida which possess the child-devouring capabilities you mention: the Gluttonous Blue Heron, the Gator-commanding Blue Heron, or some variety of Pelican. Here are some super-quick writeups of how your situation may have gone down; whichever sounds closest is probably your culprit.

Gluttonous Blue Heron (which I have written about before) would most likely approach the child if he was eating candy or some other food, and devour him along with the tasty morsel. If you are quick, you’ll be able to find his remains inside the remains of the GBHE as they often die of burst stomachs. (image source)

Gator-commanding Blue Herons don’t usually commit deeds of child devourment, instead using their contubernium of alligators to do the actual snatching; this is what happened in the rather famous Disney World Incident. If this is the case, what is left of the child will be inside up to nine archosaurs so good luck with that. (image source)

Pelicans would be the most likely to simply saunter up and engulf the child, but you said heron so I am least confident on this bird being the culprit. That said, Brown Pelicans are masters of the cosmetic arts so you may have seen one in disguise. Don’t bother trying to find the body if this is the case, as you will be eaten too. (image source)

Capable of holding their breath for a full metric hour, Kingfishers hunt in a manner very similar to their crocodilian cousins. By lying in wait at the bottom of ponds or other bodies of water, these archosauric avians exploit the fact that fish cannot look down. When a tasty morsel swims over their head, the Kingfisher bursts forward with a mighty beat of their wings; the instantaneous momentum is so great that they often escape the water entirely.

It physically pains me to hide the work I commissioned from @kidclampdown for The Project. I was sent multiple progress shots throughout and somehow the end result is more beautiful and richly-coloured than I could have possibly anticipated. If you’ve got an ounce of sense in you and some pocket change (seriously, d.w. criminally undercharges for incredible work) then you should absolutely get a piece of art custom-made for you.

An integral part of modern chocolate manufacture, Cacao grubs are deliberately introduced to the seedpods of the Theobroma cacao tree. These bulbous larvae will consume the interior of the pod, moderating the flavor of the cacao beans in a manner not unlike that of Kopi luwak. After ‘fermenting’, the Cacao grubs are roasted alive and flesh scraped away to reveal perfectly flavored ‘nibs’ of naturally produced chocolate.

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Red-sided snakes are one of the most ostentatious ophidians found in California. Often spotted at open auditions and waiting tables, these unusually accented slitherers will divulge a rich personal history when asked about themselves. While they have yet to see their big break, they remain confident in a bright future.

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