I Need Some Help. My Son Was Recently Playing By A Pond When A Heron Came Out Of Nowhere And Swallowed

I need some help. My son was recently playing by a pond when a heron came out of nowhere and swallowed him whole right before my eyes. I live in Florida and I'm wondering what kind of heron it was. I also what to know if there is any way that my son might still be alive. If not, how can I find his remains? Please answer this as soon as possible.

Okay as a general preface here for all of my readers: Please do not raise a child in Florida. Something will eat them, eventually. It is the Way of Florida.

As to the meat of the question, there are three main birds in Florida which possess the child-devouring capabilities you mention: the Gluttonous Blue Heron, the Gator-commanding Blue Heron, or some variety of Pelican. Here are some super-quick writeups of how your situation may have gone down; whichever sounds closest is probably your culprit.

Gluttonous Blue Heron (which I have written about before) would most likely approach the child if he was eating candy or some other food, and devour him along with the tasty morsel. If you are quick, you’ll be able to find his remains inside the remains of the GBHE as they often die of burst stomachs. (image source)

Gator-commanding Blue Herons don’t usually commit deeds of child devourment, instead using their contubernium of alligators to do the actual snatching; this is what happened in the rather famous Disney World Incident. If this is the case, what is left of the child will be inside up to nine archosaurs so good luck with that. (image source)

Pelicans would be the most likely to simply saunter up and engulf the child, but you said heron so I am least confident on this bird being the culprit. That said, Brown Pelicans are masters of the cosmetic arts so you may have seen one in disguise. Don’t bother trying to find the body if this is the case, as you will be eaten too. (image source)

I need some help identifying a GBHE which accosted me recently while I was attempting to pick paw-paws near a creek. The Heron, apparently offended by the shaking of trees necessary to gather paw-paws, attacked me mostly by kicking me in a startling but largely ineffectual manner. The kicks were too graceful for a Gross Blue Heron, but a Gorgeted Heron would surely be better armed. Racial profiling is rampant in my area and I am reluctant to report the incident without all my details in order.

note: the events of this ask are not fictional and i am willing to pay for assistance in the form of paw-paws

I would first like to congratulate your keen instincts! Bribing me with fresh in-season fruit is in fact the ideal way to expedite any and all inquiries here at The Academy of Bird Sciences. Please get in touch with me for shipping details.

That said, you’ve not given me a lot to work with for this identification! The azure ardeids are incredibly diverse, comprising something like one out of every four in the Family as a whole. Photos go a LONG way towards helping differentiate species. If you don’t have easy access to a camera, a short essay of about one kiloword is commonly accepted as equivalent.

Now that I’ve got all of the disclaimers and administrivia out of the way, I am of a mind to say you encountered a juvenile Guerrillous Blue Heron (which must never ever be confused with the much better-tempered Garrulous Blue Heron). Because you’ve promised me fresh fruit, I’ll push back the other birds I had on slate this week and do a quick writeup for you.

Live too far away for fresh fruit bribes to be effective? Support me on Patreon!

@probablementundinosaure submitted:

Please help, what kind of heron is this?  (Photo: Jane Purslow, Tina Gartley, Lou Waldock, Walter Chavers)

That is a Gamboling Blue Heron! They are very clumsy fliers, tending to tumble and botch landings. To untrained observers it might appear that they are simply having an inordinately good time cavorting about, but they actually live very stressed-out lives as they can’t figure out what they are doing wrong or how to improve. Above, a Gamboling Blue Heron spectacularly fails to land safely, both in method (on their head) and perch choice (the nest of a VERY territorial Osprey). 

Guerrillous Blue Herons are masters of ambush strikes and long-term area denial tactics. While they are often significantly outclassed and outnumbered, their scouting brilliance and dagger-sharp beaks ensure they are never caught unarmed or unawares. Curiously, despite being deadly melee combatants we’ve seen fewer reports than a decade ago of GBHE-caused fatalities in recent border skirmishes. Whether this is due to a political shift (so as to appear more sympathetic to outsiders) or simply lulling their enemies into a false sense of security, only time will tell.

I am super stoked about this!!! This is the first I think actual factual non-commissioned art inspired by my work here at The Academy of Bird Sciences.

HOWEVER

(she says, pedantically)

It appears you’ve accidentally drawn a Gorgeted Blue Heron instead! The giveaway was the fact that it’s holding a sword; Gross Blue Herons use short clubs or their own bodies because it makes their racially-targeted violence more ‘personal’. Gorgeted Blue Herons on the other hand are all about martial appearances, cleaving to more ‘elegant’ instruments of warfare.

Don’t feel too bad about this sort of misidentification! It happens all the time among field interns, no doubt in part because the Alpha codes all resolve down to GBHE.

Night shift doodle! How better to represent the Gross Blue Heron than with the V of Swords. He’ll take everything you have and doesn’t even feel a little sorry. Inspired by @maverick-ornithography​.

Red-sided snakes are one of the most ostentatious ophidians found in California. Often spotted at open auditions and waiting tables, these unusually accented slitherers will divulge a rich personal history when asked about themselves. While they have yet to see their big break, they remain confident in a bright future.

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