Enoughdonegone - It's Not Fine.

He’s going back on some parts of our separation agreement, so I have been looking for texts in case I need to submit evidence. It’s not relevant to our  agreement, but I found this.

Context:  I told him that I was going to be participating in my local Take Back the Night event. I was raped when I was 19, so it is close to my heart.

He sent me this message after kicking me out of the house again after I visited him. It happened a lot.  My memories can be foggy at times so I am not completely certain why I was vacated this time.  However an educated guess is it was one of the times I protested him telling other people about my assault. He used it to garner sympathy from the girls he wanted to sleep with - I was a monster and this was one of the reasons.  He wanted so much to help me, but I was a lost cause.  

With the event so close, the feelings were raw. I may have gotten a bit sassy.  I told him it wasn’t his story to tell.   So he’d shove me violently toward the door and tell me to “Leave!!”  Then proceed to spam me with hate for the following hour.

I haven’t had one of these nights for a while now.  But reading this again punched me in the gut.  The worst part is, later on in the conversation I excuse him because I knew he “only denied [or doubted that I was raped] when [he] was really hurt.”

This one hurt really bad then; I remember driving home and being worried I’d crash my car because I couldn’t see through my tears. Or my misery. I’m ashamed that it still hurts now.

Ruined Weekends

He often complained that I "robbed" him of his weekend when he kicked me out of the house. That was because he'd have thrown me out before I had the opportunity to do his dishes and clean his house. And he couldnt go out or do things if his house wasn't clean.

My fault.

Here’s a weird one

He insists that I had an “accent” the night I met him.  He swears I put one on to entrap him ( he’s a sucker for a foreign accent? - how would i have even known that at this point???) 

This never happened.

They’ll never know.

I have a concealer arsenal of greens, yellows and purples. I’m good to go.

I belong to a local community theatre organization. It's given me the opportunity to meet some really lovely people

One member with whom I get along quite well is a psychology professor at the University in my city. I really enjoy her company; she's a genuine, sweet person.

I told him about her a few times in passing, but he really perked up when he found out what she did for a living.

" Now it makes sense. You understand why she's interested in talking to you, right? She recognizes that something's wrong with you..."